Am I the Asshole?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/CygnusX-1-2112b on 2023-12-27 03:50:17+00:00.

I want to preface by disclosing that my wife is 6 months pregnant with our first child. This is important and under most circumstances its obvious that I should be making these accommodations for her, but this has been the norm long before she became pregnant.

My wife of 3 years asks for a massage every night before going to bed. It may start as a foot massage, an ankle massage, or a back massage, but it almost always ends up being a request for her whole body until she falls asleep. There are times when I'm fully willing and able to give her the half hour massage she wants, but more often than not I'm tired too or my hands, wrists and shoulders ache from working. I still always end up giving her one when she asks, but only because I know there will first be guilt tripping, and then the cold shouldered if I don't. I really don't feel like doing this every night, but she has made it rather obvious that she sees a refusal as neglectful behavior.

To clarify, I usually don't like to toot my own horn but by God I am the furthest thing from a neglectful husband. We didn't decorate for Christmas this year because I had the living room ceiling opened up roughing in a new master bathroom upstairs. I had finished closing up the holes and repainting the ceiling, and last night while she was asleep I put up a tree, decorated it, put the presents we had gotten from her family under it and put out several other decorations in the living room so that she could still have a Christmas morning of sorts. Then today after work I drove her around a very wealthy town nearby us to look at the Christmas lights. So again, I do not neglect her. I love to do things to make her happy.

But because I didn't massage her feet and calves as long as she would have liked tonight, I still got a flat and monotone "goodnight" with a side of not even bothering to turn her head to look at me.

If I sound resentful over it I apologize, but I definitely have some strong feelings attached to it. The resentment probably comes from the fact that despite doing this with her literally all the time, we have a dead bedroom and have been in a mostly sexless marriage from the beginning. Our average time between sex is 3-4 months since she's 'just never in the mood'. Most recently of course it's been over 6 months, and likely to be over a year before we do again. To reiterate, this has been going on long before her pregnancy so while it's a factor now, it wasn't always.

I would feel as though I'd earned some sort of reciprocity on intimacy, except that I'm not going to enjoy sex unless she is, and isnt reminding me that she's doing me a favor. I like her to be happy, my goal in sex since we were dating was always to identify what gets her off and focus on that.

But this is becoming a rant. Am I am asshole for not wanting to give every night when it's a one way street like this?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/LongjumpingPie4438 on 2023-12-26 21:49:19+00:00.

Throwaway because my husband knows my reddit and frequents this sub. Although I'm pretty sure he'll be able to tell it's me because this is a super unique experience, but I'm banking on him not seeing this.

My husband, Ethan (27m) and I (27f) got married a year ago. We had been dating since we were 23 and got married last year. We knew that we wanted to have a family, and want multiple kids. So, a few months after we got married we started trying for our first baby. I got pregnant, and I'm about 24wks along today!!

At my 20wk appointment, they asked if we wanted to know the gender. We wanted to know so we could start planning names ahead of time. Turns out, it's a girl! I was overjoyed. The next day, we starting talking names and Ethan said that he already knew the PERFECT name for a girl- Zoe.

Here is where the issue begins: Zoe is the name of my husband's cat that passed away when we first started dating. Not only that, but the cat was a gift from an ex-girlfriend that they intended on taking care of together. When they broke up, they had "joint custody" until she died.

I gently let him know that I don't really want to name our daughter after his dead cat. He told me to think about it- reasoning that it fit our criteria (short names, bully-proof, cute, unique so that nobody else in her class will have it, but not so unique that people won't know how to pronounce it,) and he considered cat-Zoe like a daughter to him. I jokingly responded, "So you want to name our baby after your kid from your last marriage?"

He didn't laugh. Instead, he got defensive. He said it wasn't like that. I said that I didn't really like the idea of naming our daughter after something that he associated with his last relationship. He started getting teary-eyed, presumably because he was thinking about his dead pet. He then responded with "Fine, it's your baby. Name it whatever you want."

Since then I've been here and there suggesting names I see elsewhere, and every time he responds with "I don't care. Do what you want."

I can't help but feel like the AH; maybe I'm being too stubborn? I do like the name Zoe, it's just that I don't think I'd be able to move past the history behind it.

AITA?

EDIT: You guys get bonus points if you suggest good baby names!!!

EDIT 2: for everyone suggesting the name Chloe instead, that’s the name of my estranged sister that’s in jail hahaha so I’m gonna have to say no to that one !!!

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Anonymous_TN on 2023-12-27 03:46:57+00:00.

So, every year on Christmas Eve my husband & I (26yo female) spend time with my husband's family. This year, my husband & mil got sick, therefor we were unable to attend. On Christmas Day, we wanted to spend time with my family. I haven't always had a good relationship with my side, but my little brother died in 2022.. & since then my father sought help & got clean.. all of us have been working on our relationship.

On Christmas Day my MIL wanted all of us (her, my husband, myself, our children) to go 2 towns over to her other sons house to celebrate. I let her know that we've had plans with my family for weeks, but we will only be gone for 2 hours at the most since my husband had to work later that night & we wanted to spend time at our home so the kids could enjoy their gifts & I asked her to stop by our house when she got back into town, so we could be together.

She absolutely flipped out & took my words & twisted them around. She said that I was choosing others over her & claimed I said she wasn't good enough to be with us.. mind you, I never said any of that.. she sees our children every week. Sometimes a couple of times a week. All day on Christmas, she blew up my phone cussing me, & putting words in my mouth. This isn't the first time she's used us as a punching bag.. I'm tired of the bs. It's like she wants to be in control of everything & if things don't go how she wants, she throws a fit..

My husband says I'm not in the wrong, & hes glad I stood up for myself.. but, AITA??

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/NoSoup9640 on 2023-12-27 03:46:32+00:00.

I f 16 at the time was questioning my sexuality and whatnot so this one girl were. Gonna call her Lucy

she was talking about how she broke up with her girlfriend and I was shocked because I didn't know she liked girls so she was like why the reaction I was like oh I didn't know whatever

she said don't want her number me being the shy kid at the time said sure days went by and she invited me to go to park I said yes even when I didn't want to because I would always see her in class

Went to the park and all shed talk about was her last lover and how she would pleasure them I got kinda uncomfortable because that's all she would talk about the next day at school she texted me to meet her in the bathroom

I was hesitant but met her in there she was like give me a kiss I was like hell no in my head but I knew I couldn't just walk out so I just stood there as she kissed me ig it was more like pecks with kissing sounds

I knew right there and then that I was not interested I left after and scrubbed my lips I really didn't talk to her as much because she didn't really text me no bigge I was also friends with this one girl so I texted her once I can't really remember

So I guess they stopped talking to me which I really didn't care that much peace and quiet for me until she told me to follow her to the bathroom and asked if I wanted to be with her or whatever I felt like I wabted to disappear or runaway

but I couldn't say no and I hated conflict so I said yes when summer break came I completely ghosted her she texted me but I didn't respond aita?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/ItsNoTAFaker on 2023-12-26 20:08:47+00:00.

Me (25F) and my fiance (25M) are engaged and going to get married soon. My SIL is blind and me and y husband are not close with her or any of his family really. He doesn't really contact them and has advised to me to do the same. It isn't a surprise as he was raised by his aunt n uncle since his parents were both 17 at that time and his grandparents were either no more or leaved out of the country. His parents never tried to make any contact with him anyhow. They had a daughter after 6 years who they cherished and thought of as their only child. Even though they were invited they didn't show up. But only his sister had shown up,not expected but she was actually very respectful,apologised on his families behalf and didn't make up a fuss about anything . Also his sister was not blind since birth, she had a terrible car accident due to which she lost her eyesight.

Out of courtesy I still invited them to my wedding. I was so happy about his sister showing up, that I decided I wanted her to be my bridesmaid. Since she is blind and I also send special handwritten notes to my bridesmaids, I made her a tactile invitation card. I decided that as a activity that all of my bridesmaids would receive a card with a part of a painting in it, which I had gotten made by a professional painter of me and all my bridesmaids together. So when they would arrange and pin up against a softboard would look like a complete painting.

I conducted this activity during my bachelors party. Also there were no expenses left at making my SIL feel like she was just as cherished and a part of the celebration as others. The part of the painting on her card was also tactile around the borders and read in braille "You and Me".After pinning all if them on the board my SIL went ahead to touch it and that's where everything went downhill.

Apparently she expected everyone's card to be tactile to honour her and make her feel included. So when she went to feel them and couldn't feel the tactile marks and realised others had gotten a plain card threw a whole fit about it. She ruined my bachelors party and posted on her IG that I am a jerk and my wedding should be as empty as possible and that her brother is a fool to marry me. This broke my heart but my fiance supported me and we went on with the wedding. At first I didn't know why she had a social media account in the first place but still decided to tell my friends , family and bridesmaids to follow her since she requested and now I deeply regret it. I haven't said anything to her because now I know nothing I do will be able to fix my broken heart and that I count be bothered enough to care for her.

( Edit : It really was a surprise and due to some complications with our planner we didn't have much time to plan and that's why only my SIL received a tactile card. I understand how, she could feel left out but was it really right for her to do that)

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/mariale79 on 2023-12-27 03:45:30+00:00.

I (20 F) am an immigrant currently living abroad with my parents, who are returning to my home country on January of next year. We have no one here except of my cousin (32 M) who has spend every holiday with us since we came.

We used to be very close, but since he started a new relationship more than two years ago I've only seen him 3 times. When I was younger I used to understand, but now that I've been also working and had couples myself I just don't get how he could isolate so much just because he's with someone new.

Anyway, flash forward to one month ago he finally introduced me to his new girlfriend and, surprise, she comes with a daughter that calls my cousin "daddy." We were supposed to meet at 11 and they got home at 2, almost 3. I had to leave for work and the three of them stayed with my parents.

When I left, his now daughter started playing with all my stuff, throwing it and crying because she couldn't take it home. My cousin and his girlfriend let her threw all the tantrums and left my room a mess. When my parents told me what happened I got really upset, but forget it until now, that holidays are in and they want to celebrate the new year with us. I don't want to because, for some reason, we have to be the host and I don't want them at my house. The little girl and his girlfriend are strangers I've only seen once, and my cousin became a stranger who doesn't return my calls and wasn't there at my worst.

My dad is mad at me because I don't want them here and called me selfish, but I don't feel like that. Holidays are for family, and they don't feel like it. AITA?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Extension-Eagle-115 on 2023-12-26 18:34:51+00:00.

My (32F) father is 20 years older than his younger brother, David (34M). Due to various factors, David spent a majority of his early years with my parents. By the time I was 10 and David was 12, he moved in. David and my dad look nearly identical and people always assumed that was his son. My parents always said he was their first kid, they loved him like a son, etc.

I always felt a bit weird about this. David is a nice guy, but he’s not my brother. I never understood why it was my parents’ job to pick up the slack of my grandparents’. It caused a few disagreements in my youth that always boiled down to “David has nothing, you have everything, be nice”. I hated that i essentially went from an only child to a younger sister without being asked. I never looked at David as a brother but obviously due to our small age gap, I never saw him as an uncle. To me, he’s just family. We get along well.

David is now married with a daughter, Aria. My parents are “grandma and grandpa” to her. It does make me feel some sort of way that they’ve christened her as their first grandbaby, but I’ve accepted I can’t control how they feel and relate themselves to David. So long as when my husband and I have kids they’re the same to them (and I know they will be), that’s fine.

The real issue is that David, his wife and my parents have tried making me “Aunt Tabitha”. I don’t like it. Aria isn’t my niece. I tried to just refer to myself as my first name with her but the hint wasn’t going through. As Aria is too little to speak (8 months), I planned to let it go for now.

Yesterday, we were at my parents’ for Christmas. Aria was being fussed over, as usual. When it came time for David and his wife to help her unwrap the gift my husband and I got her, David told Aria “this is from Auntie Tabitha and Uncle Mike!” Without thinking I said “ just Tabitha and Mike”. David gave me an odd look but went back to unwrapping.

Later on, privately, David asked if I was okay. I said yes, why? He said I got weird during gifts. I said not weird, just factual. I’m not Aria’s aunt. He was still confused. I said I’m not his sister. This seemed to hurt his feelings but he said okay, apologized and said he’d never say it again.

My mom pulled me aside later and said I was cruel to David. She said he considered me his sister. I simply said I’m not, and I’m not that baby’s aunt. My mom gave me a disgusted look. She and my dad barely spoke to me the rest of the night, though David and his wife were polite.

My husband feels there were better ways of going about it. AITA?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/_destiel on 2023-12-27 03:43:18+00:00.

we also got $100 gift cards to Walmart, another local shopping center for food, a gas station (one I don't work at) and $50 to McDonalds.

(I haven't talked to my (adopted) family in 3 years, I'm 23 years old and hadn't worked for nearly 2yrs because of severely relapsing from an*rexia due to leaving the military (4 years service) after being declared unfit to serve. I have c-PTSD from severe childhood abuse and extensive time in the foster care system)

we're both 23 and been together for nearly 3 years, I had just started a job a month ago and given him EVERY paycheck bc I know I need to help with the bills! I work at a gas station (very local!!) and make my own food to eat when I work and for when I come home. Am I crazy or should I have kept my own Christmas money??

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/trashcan_sammy on 2023-12-27 03:42:09+00:00.

So I (18F) am engaged to my fiance, Ryan (20M). Earlier this month, we found out that we're expecting our first child next August.

Now, originally, the plan for the wedding was to no small children under 10 , with some exceptions, but neither of us can imagine having our wedding with out our own little one. We both come from very family-centered cultures (I'm West African and he's Mexican) , so naturally, our no small kids choice initially caused some tension, although we've been able to work it our for the most part.

Recently, I discussed this with my aunt, who absolutely flipped out on me and said that it would be unfair for us to not allow her young son to come, but my own kid is fine, which, yeah, that does seem pretty insensitive.

My fiance thinks it would be okay to have no kids, but still have ours because it's our wedding, however I feel like it would be rude, especially because his parents are helping pay for it. I also don't want to fight with my family or my in-laws over this. We haven't sent out invitations yet, so it's not too late to change our minds about the no kids policy.

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/CriticismClear7266 on 2023-12-26 18:30:09+00:00.

My husband and I are in our late 40s. We have a fairly large home which makes it easy to host parties. Also my husband loves entertaining guests.

Here is the hell that I went through the last 4 days.

Friday- our daughter had her “friendsmas” celebration. It wasn’t many people, but 8 wine drunk 19-20 year olds make the noise of about 40 people.

Saturday- (husbands parents are divorced) Christmas with My FILs family. They’re a big family, and love to drink. We had spills, kids having uh ohs, and some belligerent aunts and cousins. We didn’t even cook for this because it was like 30 people. We catered beef sandwiches but with clean up it was still a lot of work.

Christmas Eve- by the time we finally cleaned the house, we had to get ready for Christmas with MILs family. They’re a smaller and tamer bunch, but we did all the cooking. Filets and prime rib, polenta w braised beef, homemade pizzas and some vegetables and salad. Cooking took forever. There’s also a lot of little kids on this side of the family because he had some cousins come with small kids.

Christmas Day- my family came over and we cooked. It’s a smaller bunch, just my parents, my brother and his family, but we still did all the cooking.

I am gassed. I am ready to hibernate for a month. This morning my husband said we should just do New Years for our neighbors (who we usually get together with) I straight up told him I will go to a hotel if he insists on that, and I won’t return until the house is clean. He thinks I’m being dramatic and that it “wasn’t that much work” but it really was. I know he likes entertaining more than me, and I don’t want to sound like a party pooper. But I’m really done.

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/JackfruitKind3999 on 2023-12-27 03:41:11+00:00.

I (23m) and my girlfriend (24f) have been dating for around 2 years now, we were childhood friends and in college got a lot closer and developed feelings.

Recently me and her have been having some difficulties these past few months, she has been in a slump ever since her pet from her childhood passed, she started to binge eat junk food and worked out less and less as the days progressed. In my honesty I didn't care, I love her no matter how she looked and all I care about is her personality for who she is and not how she looked. Although she has gotten to a point where she can't do stuff for herself anymore, she always asks me to grab something from the fridge for her, or to drive her somewhere and even to change the channel. At first this didn't annoy me as I knew she was dealing with a lot but it got to a point where it was driving me crazy.

Last night we had gotten invited to a Christmas party with a few close friends of ours, we had to go shopping for some new clothes because her old ones didn't fit. She was very self conscious about going but the moment she walked in all her girlfriends started telling her how amazing she looked and to stay positive. I thought all these words of encouragement were nice until they brought up me in the conversation. They said how she was probably doing all the house work at home and that's why she gained weight, it was apparently her "treating herself for her hard work". I was furious at the comment and exploded on all of them saying how disrespectful it was for them to make the comment without knowing the full story. I explained to them the truth and stormed out without further explanation, when I got to the car to calm down my girlfriend came out in tears and yelled at me saying how selfish I was for blowing up on everybody and how I needed to let her live.

Today I tried texting everybody at the party and either they didn't respond or said how much of a dick I was at the party.

AITA?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Goldenpistachio96 on 2023-12-27 03:41:02+00:00.

I’m 27 (F) and my friend is 35 (F). We have been friends for about 3 years now and we met through work. I have been noticing that I do a lot for her and sometimes she has these high expectations. For example, if she’s with a guy she’ll call me and want me to come over and drop what I’m doing to basically be a third wheel. There have been moments where I’ve been busy and then she passive aggressively will give me crap for it. The other day, I invited her over to my family’s house for a party (I invite her all the time because she doesn’t have family here) but she always refuses. I invite her over to my house but she’s came maybe a total of 3 times. I go over to her house a lot and she asks me to come pretty often. I asked her to come for the holidays because she tells me how alone she feels but then said she doesn’t like being around other peoples family. I told her I understood and gave her space. Here’s what ticked me off, it turns out she hung out with a guy and his family that night. I noticed she will go to other friends houses or hangout with them (usually guys) but not mine. My family is always welcoming towards her and to my knowledge have never been disrespectful. When she told me she went over I was calm and asked if she had a good time. But as the night progressed I told her that I felt like I do more for her in our friendship and that it made me sad that she doesn’t come over. She blew up at me and told me that I should be more understanding and that she would never hangout with my family. As I tried to have a conversation I started crying to which she turned the other way and rolled her eyes. I told her she was selfish and one of our other friends was around and she told me I was an asshole for making her look bad … I usually always apologize even when I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong but I left her house crying. I’m genuinely wondering if there’s something wrong with me, I feel like I am emotional and maybe overbearing ? I’ve tried to bring it up once in the past but was told that it wasn’t the time and place to have that conversation..

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/bakery637 on 2023-12-26 18:08:33+00:00.

1 (33f) have three kids. My twin boys John and Jack (11) and my daughter Jane (9). Fake names of course.

My boys always had a strong sibling bond. They are inseparable, have the same interests and hobby's and are doing everything together. I love to see this but it has a nasty side effect. Their little sister gets often left out by them. Sometimes they offered her to join them but most of the time I had to remind them them that they have a sister and should include her. They always claim that they don't like doing, boring girl stuff, with her. I encouraged them to do the things she likes too and to switch between the stuff they like. But they refused to listen to me and started to shut out their sister completely. This is going on since three months. I started withholding pocket money and family activities. My husband was hesitant at first but I convinced him. Whenever the boys do something without Jane, I take her to the movies or to mini golf and ,boring, girl stuff. It was hurtful to do this fun activities without my sons but it is exactly what they do to their little sister. I tried to talk to them and to explain this but they refuse to listen to me. In the opposite, they started to be actively hostile towards their sister. They ridicule her hobbies, say mean stuff when she walks past them and push her away when she tries to talk to them.

Yesterday morning we sat at the Christmas tree and gave Jane her Christmas gifts. When the boys asked me for their gifts I told them that we don't have any presents for them. They thought I was kidding at first but when they realized that I was serious they froze. I told them that they will get presents once they start to treat their sister like a family member. They didn't say anything and went to their room. They only come out when their dad forces them to eat something.

I feel horrible but at the same time I am so angry at my sons. My daughter is beyond sad. She asked me yesterday why her brothers hate her so much. My husband thinks I am an AH for playing favorites and ,thanked, me for ruining Christmas. But I will not stand by and watch as Jane gets bullied by her own brothers

AITA?

The comments here from male teenagers are exactly the reason why I want my sons to spend time with their sister. I don’t want them to be like you.

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Hiraeth110 on 2023-12-27 03:38:46+00:00.

Before the post: I recognize that I have been raised in a financially stable household growing up; I have been very grateful for that, especially the last several years.

4 years ago my mother gifted me (23M) a guitar she bought for several hundred dollars when she was in college (~1990s), but never got around to playing it. It'd been collecting dust in our basement for decades, and when I brought up the subject of playing guitar when I was in high school, she mentioned that she had one that she bought some time ago, and I ended up using the one she gave me. It's a beautiful guitar—although I'm not really sure what brand it is, it sounds better than most of the guitars I see my peers play.

This past semester at school I joined a band/music team that plays in public settings, so I thought it'd be better if I bought a guitar that had electronics installed inside it, so I could plug in an aux cord rather than having a microphone adjusted to my guitar height when I played. I work part time during the semester, so I saved up money over several months to buy another guitar ($1900) with an electronics system.

This is where the problem comes in: my sister "Jenny" (21F) also plays the guitar, albeit not as much as I do, and a few years ago one of her friends gifted her a guitar, although admittedly it is not that great of a guitar. She wanted me to give her the one that our mother had given me, claiming that hers "sucked." I was willing to let her borrow it, but I didn't expect her wanting it entirely, so initially I told her no.

My family, however, has a history of fights splitting up siblings over parental will/legacy issues, and neither of my parents are on good terms with their siblings because of that. I don't want that to be the same with my sister (I love her very much), so for the time being I told her "it's both of ours." This issue keeps bugging me though; it's not like my mother bought me another guitar. I worked for the one I recently bought, and honestly, my mother's sounds better than the one I bought as well. I just needed another for its installed electronics. AITA?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/bluewolf6000 on 2023-12-27 03:38:42+00:00.

sorry if this is messy, my mind is all over the place

I (18F), have always had a rough relationship with my younger sister, (15F). I tried to repair our relationship, and would try to spend time with her only to be pushed away repeatedly. I would go sit in her room to just hang with her and she’d look at me, disgusted, and tell me to leave. I would try to talk to her about anything, school topics, etc, and she’d constantly find a way to put me down. If i mentioned anything I had done, she’d interrupt me and start talking about herself.

I’ve overheard her making fun of me and calling me names with her friends, calling me ugly and stupid, multiple times. The only time she talks to me is when she needs something from me (money, clothes, food, etc). When I stopped being friends with a girl, I found a group chat with my sister and that girl making fun of me. To say I was crushed was putting it lightly.

So, my graduation ceremony is in a few months, and my sister mentioned how she was excited to see the “hot senior guys” one last time at the ceremony. I looked at her in disgust. Im graduating, and that’s all she can think of? I asked if that was the only thing she was looking forward to, and she just rolled her eyes at me (ignoring the question). I then told her that she wasn’t going to the graduation, because I didn’t want her there.

she told me she was going, whether I liked it or not. I told her she wasn’t because I hadn’t reserved her a seat, and told her that she hadn’t been a sister to me in years, and for once this would be about me, and she couldn’t make it about herself.

She called me an AH, and now my parents are upset that I deliberately didn’t reserve her a seat. So, AITA?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/blues_clues2112 on 2023-12-26 17:29:03+00:00.

My uncle and aunt came over for Christmas. My uncle can’t handle stairs because his knees are bone on bone, so he and my aunt got my room while I stayed with my nana. I cleaned my room and my bathroom top to bottom, changed the sheets, and left out towels for them so they wouldn’t have to go digging through my cabinets and drawers to look for stuff.

Cut to Christmas Day and my mom is not too pleased to see me when I arrived with my nana. She pulled me aside and said that my aunt was looking for tampons and found my personal massagers and two “silicone boyfriends” in my bathroom drawer- moms words, not mine.

I found this to be bullshit. My aunt is old enough to be in menopause and there is a box of tampons in a box on the back of my toilet. My massager and my “boyfriends” are in the bottom of that specific drawer under my makeup bag. I called her on her crap quietly to my mom and she said “it doesn’t matter- you should have HIDDEN them better! You have a sock drawer for a reason!”

My aunt didn’t look pleased with me, mom wasn’t pleased, and my nana was none the wiser. Overall, it was a good Christmas with just that one hiccup.

Was I the asshole for not hiding my intimate objects better?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/ThrowRAlettershredde on 2023-12-27 03:38:29+00:00.

I had a big year and wanted to celebrate by sending out a holiday card and a letter. In my letter, I wrote out some of the hobbies I'd been up to, work updates, and places I'd traveled to throughout the year. I included a section thanking people I saw throughout the year. When I saw people individually and on a recurrent basis, I named them, ("thanks to Holly and Jack for weekly poker parties") and when I saw people in groups, I thanked them (i.e., "all my long-lost cousins at mom's retirement party, that was so much fun!"). If I had listed every person I saw throughout the year, the letter would have just been a list of names. At the end, I wrote that while I could not include everyone, I was overjoyed to see so many loved ones this year.

I was proud of my letter, until my mom (65F) and uncle (68M), received theirs, and sent me several unhinged texts about all the people I didn't mention individually by name, wondering if it was intentional, or if people had somehow upset me, or if I was just a terrible person. Both thought the letter was unnecessary and in my mom's words, "totally inappropriate and odd".

I'm terribly upset, although nobody who was actually omitted has reached out to tell me how slighted they felt. I wanted to highlight people I spent time with in person throughout the year. People I saw once at an event were harder to capture, although mentioning the event we were at, and sending them the card, was meant to be a gesture of goodwill. Throughout the year I have exchanged emails, messages, pleasantries, and gifts with people who weren't mentioned. When I have received a gift, I have sent a thank-you note or card, and I try to maintain friendly relationships with everyone I sent a card to. It would have been weird to send holiday cards to people I wasn't close to.

If I'm fully in the wrong here, I would very much like to know, but I am extremely distressed by the texts I have received. Are they just petty, or is there legitimacy behind them that I should address? I am considering writing the people mentioned individual texts and reaching out to effectively say -- hey, it was brought to my attention that you weren't highlighted in my annual letter, and I wanted to apologize; I hope you know that you're special to me and I didn't mean to omit you, I always enjoy our connection and any opportunity we have to spend time together/chat.

Or should I give up on the annual letter forever? I'm sufficiently humiliated where I want to dig myself a hole and jump right down, which pretty much removes any interesting fodder for a 2024 letter. If it helps provide context, both of the offended parties are pretty far along the BPD spectrum, but it was jarring to receive these messages when I was so confident about what I sent out. I had never done an annual letter before, and I read up on how they were written, what they should and should not contain, and what to highlight. Nothing prepared me for this!

Am I the asshole?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Lost_Confection_2215 on 2023-12-26 17:25:45+00:00.

Me and wife Lara, our son Marc, nearly 2 My SIL Jenny, my brother James, 3 dogs

This happened in my parents house, Xmas Eve.

Lara doesn't really like dogs. She was raised in a city so has little exposure, likes cats (we have one), but not big dogs. She's not crazy about it nor does she make a fuss if dogs are present: she's just a bit nervous/jokes about them eating her. I'm apathetic to dogs so I think thats funny, but I guess dog lovers may disagree?

Jenny and James had one, a sleepy greyhound. Last year they got 2 more, big mixes (technically one of these XL bulldogs). XL Bully

They brought all 3, and the two new ones were kind of stressed (since it's a new place). My parents werent too happy as they had to lock away their cats, but it was for 1 day so they didn't complain.

James gave us treats to give to introduce ourselves. Lara made the "don't eat me" joke as always when she gave the treat, and Jenny rolled her eyes. Our son Marc wanted to try, but Lara and said no and told him to go give a treat to the greyhound. I agreed, the other two were tense and the greyhound was used to kids. Jenny shook her head, scoffing "townies".

We're having a good time in the sitting room, dogs are in the attached lounge. Soon, Marc falls asleep and Lara had him on her lap for a bit then gave him to me. My mother offered some earmuffs for him and Lara accepted but said to not to go to more trouble.

Jenny said we can just put him in the next room (lounge) and the dogs can watch over him, and Lara laughed a bit and said no, Marc is fine here. I agreed, said he's a sound sleeper.

Jenny changed her mood, and accused Lara of "stigma" against the dogs. Lara said it's not stigma but that Marc is quite naughty and can walk, so he may get up and annoy the dogs... which he WOULD, we only just got him to stop thinking pulling the cats tail is hilarious. Jenny got angrier, told us the stigma comes from parents who "don't train their brats but expect us to send dogs to military school"

I said that's bullshit, she's overreacting, when she called Lara a townie. My dad agreed with us, said a 2y/o should be supervised. Lara added Marc grew up with our cat, so even though we tell him not to annoy animals, he may still do it when unsupervised since a) he's 2 and b) he's used to our cat's reaction (nothing) and assume dogs will react the same.

Jenny cried, said she feels ganged up on, and we're adding to breed stigma. She left early, writing threads on FB all day (on Christmas!) about people who believe misinfo about "evil" dogs. James is chill, but asked us to apologise and let Marc play with the dogs next time as she was giving him hell. We are OK to apologise but DONT want to let Marc play unsupervised and feel thats not fair to ask.

AITA? We'd love "dog peoples" opinion too, as we aren't. But we didn't criticise dogs, we said our sons age is the issue! Did we get it wrong?

Edit: Hey, thanks all, but I can't seem to reply to any comments due to POO mode. I just wanted to answer here about "training our son": yes we are obviously teaching him how to be gentle, but "pulling cats tail is funny" is pretty normal behaviour that any 2 year old needs to be taught not to do, especially when the cat in question doesn't actually react to him - its not a sign of being spoiled, I know many children between 2-4 who need to be corrected about being gentle. Which is why we ALWAYS will supervise any child of that age around animals, but we don't think a 2 year old needing to be corrected is a sign of bad parenting. My dad was even sharing stories about how James used to try and put our old cat in the bathtub when he was 3 to "give it baths". We aren't going to put our son through boot camp just so that Jenny gets to see him interacting with her dogs, we will be correcting him and making sure he learns to be gentle with animals at a speed all children learn this - so that we can avoid any big accidental "learning of the lesson" that causes a lifelong injury to the animal or the child.

Also yes, we are in the UK. My family live in the country, Lara is from London, which is why the "townie" thing irritated me as most of these dog attacks happen in the city anyway...

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Substantial_Win_1630 on 2023-12-27 03:34:36+00:00.

I (26 female) I grew up very close with my mother. Who was predominantly a single mother most of my life as I only saw my dad every other weekend. However, my mom was remarried four times after me and I have three other siblings with different fathers. While growing up I felt the effects of this from constant moving to financial issues and talk around my very small town. When I showed my vulnerability and emotional toll this took on me my mom would always say I should be grateful for the life I have - as she did work to provided a financially stable lifestyle and even put money into allowing me to do extra sports that were outside of school and very pricey. So I always felt selfish for ever expressing my own personal feelings towards inconsistency and please note I was the oldest daughter therefore the one she was confide in and help pack the house when she decided to leave even if it was the middle of the night. Regardless I always stood by my mom until I went to college and realized just how much her decisions affected me and how not being near her was such a relief. I love my mom but I do feel some resentment for not only the lifestyle but her minimizing my feeling. And now when I go home for Christmas I feel completely disconnected and disingenuous. Also rifled with old anxiety I finally got rid off. So am I the asshole for leaving Christmas early bc I simply hated the feeling of being there?

Trying to provide additional context: I ave communicated with mom before but she gets emotional and says she did the best she could so I drop it. Also note my mom loves Christmas and bought me two very expensive designer bags which are not my taste but then also had me go to her new boyfriends house for dinner. Simply left bc I am an adult and drove three hours to see her and decided I was ready to go home to my safe place.

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/No_Information_3325 on 2023-12-27 03:33:43+00:00.

My mom got me a brand new phone for Christmas. I am extremely appreciative especially considering it’s out of her budget. I’ve had my phone for 6 years out of laziness and was about to buy myself a new one. The one she got me is the smaller model, even smaller than my old phone. I’m wondering if it would make me an asshole if I went to Verizon and paid the difference (around 100 dollars, whatever) to get the bigger model. Obviously I would never tell my mom that I traded it in(doubt she would even notice). I’m definitely happy with the one she got me but if I’m going to have it for 5+ years I just want it to be bigger.

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/NotFixingSonsGrade on 2023-12-26 21:07:17+00:00.

My son “Devin” plagiarized an essay for English by copy-pasting most of the sentences from Cliffnotes and replacing one of the letters with a specific Russian letter that looked the same as the original English letter. It wasn’t as if Devin plagiarized without meaning to. My son knew exactly what he was doing.

Devin’s essay did bypass the plagiarism software but his teacher immediately recognized that it was from Cliffnotes and informed me that Devin would be receiving a zero, which is how I became aware of the situation.

Devin’s grade dropped to a D. Devin asked me to essentially fight with the school to get his grade fixed. I told him no and that he deserved the zero. If you’re struggling with an essay, you reach out and ask for help. You don’t try to cheat your way out. He knew better than that.

Devin’s mom “Emma” called me because she just received the physical report card in the mail and saw the D in English. Devin hadn’t told his mom about what happened and it’s too late to challenge the zero now since grades have already been finalized.

Emma tried to interrogate me on why I didn’t challenge the zero when it was possible. I told Emma that I wanted this lesson to stick with Devin. Devin will graduate high school in two years. Getting a D in high school is better than getting kicked out of university or fired from a job for trying to pass off someone else’s work as his own.

Emma argued that a D will seriously hurt Devin’s university prospects. She said she doesn’t condone what Devin did and would have been in agreement with a home punishment such as grounding Devin. But that I was a terrible parent for making our son experience a punishment that she says can seriously impact his future.

Unless Devin were applying to an Ivy League (which he has not had any interest in) then I doubt one D will destroy his university prospects. I’m struggling to understand Emma’s perspective and need more opinions. AITA?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Maleficent-Night-194 on 2023-12-26 21:06:55+00:00.

me (19f) and my ex (18m) broke up seven months ago after a year of dating. we have known each other for a decade, being in the same class since elementary school. that is also how i know his best friend (18m) - he was a classmate of mine. he is referred to as D.

i broke up with my ex after a tedious period of feeling unloved and neglected, sentiments he himself acknowledged were true. he simply wasn’t a good partner. rarely gave me anything, never put any effort in our relationship. there were even periods of time when he wouldn’t talk to me or treat me horribly in front of our friends. i felt like my love was the only thing keeping us together. eventually even that wasn’t enough.

a few weeks post breakup, i was a wreck. he was my first everything. i won’t deny i could’ve acted better towards him. i was passive-aggressive to his face while talking shit behind his back. i didn’t, however, tell any lies and still tried to keep hostility down to a minimum. which is still something.

at some point during the summer after senior year i’ve found myself feeling attracted to D. like, really. not to mention he’s a great guy. he’s a history buff and has a great sense of humor, and still has such depth to him. we discuss philosophy and politics and joke about the state of things. but these thoughts i had of him are platonic, while this new attraction to him is sexual.

during that same summer, i was in a party and was dared to kiss the most attractive guy there. since i was drunk and hurt (two months have passed since i ended it), i thought to myself “why not” and kissed D. that was after making sure he was ok with it as a part of the game.

we had a talk later that night in which he said he was “afraid” of something developing between us. he didn’t want to hurt my ex but also wanted to maintain our friendship. i then made it clear to him that while i did find him attractive, i wasn’t romantically interested. so we hugged it out and continued our drunken party shenanigans.

although what i said to D was true then, i can’t help but feel that things have changed. i keep thinking about him. i want him around. this sentiment seems to be somewhat mutual. i think i’ve started to develop actual romantic feelings.

i’ve also talked things out with my ex. while we aren’t friends, we’ve smoothed things out. i can’t honestly say i respect or hold any positive emotions towards him anymore. but he’s not a bad person overall. hurting him has only caused me more misery. but i don’t think my feelings for D are coming from a place of revenge. it’s also worth mentioning my ex has said before that if D and i were to get together he wouldn’t stand in the way.

is it ok for me to hope something happens between us? would pursuing anything with D be fair? not necessarily for my ex, but for D himself. would D be an a-hole if he were to do anything or reciprocate? i’ve decided not to act on it for now, still conflicted.

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Emarrrr on 2023-12-26 21:05:45+00:00.

For short we’ve been together for 9 years and this is the first time this happens. So for Christmas i bought my bf a few gifts that I thought he would like. I bought him things he really needed like clothes, headphones, etc. I gave them to him and he seemed very happy at first or so i thought. Today he tells me how he feels like no one put effort into gifting him something nice. How he saw everyone else get gifted nice things, etc. I was put off by this and confused because i thought he liked his gifts. It kind of made me feel like he was being a little ungrateful. Especially because the gifts came from the heart. I also spent the little bit of change i had left to get these gifts for him. Any advice? He doesn’t see nothing wrong with what he told me. Instead he told me “truth hurts doesn’t it”. I honestly don’t know what to think or say. This has pretty much caught me by surprise and it is the first time in 9 years this has happened.

TL;DR: I got my boyfriend a few gifts and today he told me he doesn’t like them. Is he being ungrateful or am I just taking this too personal?

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Particular-Bread-764 on 2023-12-26 21:02:09+00:00.

I 13 female have divorced parent on my dads side he has a 21 year old daughter who is getting married soon she wants me to be a flower girl and I would easily say yes but I haven’t seen my dad in over a year same with all relatives on that side of the family because my parents are divorced I’m supposed to go to my dads every Thursday and every other weekend but because I feel unsafe around him and all the other family that’s why I’m struggling to decide it doesn’t help I fly under the rainbow and only my mom know my dad and his side of the family is homophobic and transphobic so I’m also terrified about that my dad is an alcoholic and my mom divorced him because he physically abused me and my mom he’s manipulative I’m torn I need help please help me

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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/wojfbh389 on 2023-12-26 20:59:27+00:00.

My husband (37M) and I (37F) have 5 children (16F, 16M, 10F, 8M and 6M), our twins (Paisley and Brysen) are juniors in high school and starting to think about college, getting ready for applications, ect. My sister, Beth (40F), lives in another state and we don’t see her much, but she is here for the holidays, as the rest of our family lives near us, Beth is the one who moved. Beth has been here since Wednesday and after a major conflict, I don’t know if I’m acting like an a-hole.

When Beth got here, we (our parents, my siblings, kids, nephews and nieces, ect) all greeted her after she was done getting settled in the hotel. We then went to our parents house for dinner.

Beth was asking Paisley and Brysen about college. My husband and I love all of our kids, and accept them for who they are. Brysen has always been a very ambitious kid, even in elementary school, Brysen was elected athletics commissioner in his school elections in 4th grade and has held a similar role (like spirit coordinator) since , he plays baseball and has umpired for younger kids, is part of NHS, takes APs, has done college classes since late middle school, works at a sporting goods store, and is civically engaged ect. Paisley is a much more quiet, introverted girl, she doesn’t do sports or many clubs, she just likes to be in her room and draw, knit, paint or watch TV or TikToks. This is fine with us, we realize every kid is different with their own passions, talents, and abilities. Obviously, as one may expect from this information, Brysen is planning on applying to more selective colleges than Paisley and we’re ok with that and so is Paisley.

The issue is Beth reacted to hearing all of this. She asked us why we didn’t push Paisley harder and said it was “a shame” Paisley “ruined her shot of getting into a good school”, Brysen was actually the first one to defend her, complaining about how he’s sick of always being compared to Paisley by other people, he told her to f-off. This is when she started to yell, and my mom took Brysen and Paisley away from the situation.

I talked to Beth in private after she had calmed down, she demanded I make Brysen apologize, but I told her I wouldn’t and told her to apologize to him and Paisley, she said she was just telling the truth about a “dog eat dog world”, I told her to stop being an elitist prick.

After this, she was quiet for the night, but when she got back to the hotel, she texted our siblings and parents what happened and now they’re telling me to apologize to her for calling her that. AITA?