Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/garlichead97 on 2024-01-18 15:02:20+00:00.

I (26F) have been in a relationship (28M) for nine months. I yearn to feel a deeper connection, have thoughtful, prolonged conversations. There is plenty on this sub about one person feeling this way about their relationship. My problem is that I know I'm not doing what it takes to deepen conversations, because I feel this way in friendships too, and always have. I don't feel like I have enough interest in other people to create that engagement. I'm envious of people who have friends or S/Os who they say they can stay up all night talking to. That's never happened to me-- I just don't feel I have enough to say.

My bf is very kind and caring. I think he wants more depth between us too. I can say maybe I wish my bf was funnier or had more interesting things to say, but the fact is, that's how I feel about myself too. I've struggled with serious depression my whole life and probably have autism too, and I assume these factor in to my (dis)interest in other people and the world around me. But do I just have to accept that as who I am? I started meds recently for depression that have helped me not have such terrible lows, but I was hoping I would also change my lack of connection with the world and other people, and just don't feel that changing.

If you have struggled with the feeling that you have nothing to say, or have a partner you feel lacks conversational skills, have you been able to do anything to turn it around? I worry this flatness is just part of my personality-- and I know I'm a smart and funny person so it just feels like I'm not smart enough or funny enough to make the kinds of connections I want.

TLDR: Can you intentionally work to become a more engaged and interesting person? How?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Traditional_Leek5591 on 2024-01-18 15:00:33+00:00.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Psychological_Win366 on 2024-01-18 14:50:59+00:00.

I’m not proud of what I’m talking about…yes I am a grown 30 year old woman with a sneaky link. Well, did have a sneaky link?..I’m about to elaborate but I will keep details as sparse as possible to spare myself further embarrassment. However, I also tend to overshare so I hope this is not too long.

As the title states, I am looking to gain awareness on why this man continues to remain in contact with me. I will share my theories and what I have done to thwart communication below. I am truly at a loss.

But yes, me and sneaky link..sneaky linking for a couple years now…always got along famously until recently!

I called him out on several things I find nonsensical between us. He makes no effort for us to get together, it’s always me. However, he always texts me first, and literally every day. It’s strange, it’s like he is perfectly content just texting and never hanging out. Yes, we have sex every time we hang out, so I don’t think the issue is that I’m truly just “hanging out” and not fulfilling sneaky link duties.

So I boiled on this for a while. I didn’t just wake up one day and realize I’m a dunce. I started trying to deduce factors. I thought he may get gratification over the possible emotional/positive/something energy I am able to bring through text, so that’s why he remained in daily contact. So, I withdrew that side of me largely with him. I wasn’t cold, just not nurturing and inquisitive.

I have several mutual friends with him, some of them more attractive females than I. I figured he may keep me in contact to keep tabs on them. So, I told HIM directly that if he wants to know how they are, to please ask THEM directly. He never has literally asked me about them, but I figured it may be plausible.

I figured the most obvious, I mean we ARE sneaky links with one another. I had never been in this scenario before, but have heard of men with rosters putting some of their players on the bench, so to say. I thought he may be benching me, but keeping up the daily acquaintance so as to keep me on the team should some of his prize players drop. So, I informed him that being AWARE of being bottom of the roster doesn’t sit right with me and I’m taking myself off of the team…who knows how long I’ve actually been on the bottom, but it’s different now because it feels like I am also being treated as such.

Furthermore, I informed him that I am embarking on a sex hiatus (new 2024 thing I’m doing.) I had previously informed him of a similar journey I’m attempting with alcohol, which I hope got across the notion that the no sex thing is genuinely something I’m doing and was not said in an attempt to get a reaction from him or be petty. I restated that I truly don’t understand why we talk, and if I was correct in assuming it was to keep me around for guaranteed sex at the drop of a hat, he was officially free of me.

Yet he continues to text me. Not daily now, but random hello or most recently sent me a picture alluding to an inside joke between us.

I have asked him directly why he talks to me several times, he refuses to answer. I have expressed how strange I find it to remain in contact with someone you have no interest in physically seeing. Last time I made plans, he was so excited about it that he literally fell asleep and the hang out never happened.

I guess that’s it? Lol…anyone have any ideas why sneaky link won’t leave me alone? Maybe he’s just biding time till I fold…but then what, it’s back to daily text exchanges? Our text convos aren’t THAT great people LMFAO and making plans never, and I stopped making plans so we won’t even hang ever?!

So why does he keep me in contact? I have a feeling it may have to do with my low self esteem but I’m trying to grow this thing called a “backbone” so I probably look really dense right now, but I truly don’t understand.

TL;DR : have had ongoing sneaky link with an overt lack of effort in seeing me, yet continues daily contact. I have attempted to express reasons in which continuing contact with me is futile and leaves him nothing to gain, yet he continues…why?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/OldResearch6572 on 2024-01-18 14:48:36+00:00.

TL; DR: Friend grieving potentially abusive relationship with user ex. He isolates himself and easily upset by anything remotely resembling a romantic relationship. He snaps at me, and feels bad after. It’s ruining our friendship and potential for future romance.

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My friend and his ex broke up a year or so ago. She seemed to like him otherwise, but pretty much stated she was unhappy in their relationship and wanted to work on herself. She was also a tad emotionally abusive, kinda selfish, and couldn’t be bothered to really care about him beyond what he did for her. He’s been trying to woo her back with zero success. Since we’re both recovering from relationships, we tried being FWB/dating. I’m much further along in the recovery or grieving process, plus we view people and relationships differently, so our day-to-day motions don’t affect me much.

I can’t say the same for him. It’s like he’s put me in a box and he hates himself for it because he feels I deserve much better than what he can give me at this time. Talking is difficult for him, as is sharing the bed overnight or in general. We don’t even go out anymore. Those things remind of his relationship with his ex. Sex though? They never had a great sex life and it left a lot to be desired so that was easy for him. We’ve always been unusually sexually compatible so I didn’t mind because we used to be FWB in the past. We almost dated, but it didn’t work out because of my lunatic ex bf and our schedules never aligning.

Back to the issues! He hates that he gets upset or emotional when we cuddle, kiss, or do anything reminiscent of his last relationship. He enjoys doing all of those things with me but it elicits memories and I’m not sure how normal it is since it’s been a little over a year since their relationship ended. Now he’s distant which not only affects our sex life, but our friendship as well. He beats himself up over it. It was never like this before. He never had issues holding hands or being affectionate in any capacity. I’ve told him we don’t have to be FWB. I’m fine going back to a purely platonic relationship. He says he might just need time to himself. He’s been by himself for much of the past year.

He tells me he doesn’t blame me if I keep my options open. I told him I don’t mind us seeing other people due to us not actually being in a relationship but we did decide to be sexually exclusive because we don’t want to bring outside health issues into what we have. He often wishes he could give me more emotionally. It’s gotten worse since the holidays. He’s a great guy. We like each other a lot and it helps that we aren’t looking for anything serious (taking is slow) but I’m backing off until he gets himself sorted out.

I just want to know if any of this is normal for someone grieving a potentially unhealthy relationship? What can I do to help him?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Jealous_Biscotti9685 on 2024-01-18 14:44:46+00:00.

i am a 45F who has concluded that my partner, 51M, primarily thinks about his own goals and convenience without considering how it affects you? that he somehow always ensures things are designed in a way that primarily benefit him and not necessarily you. that this is his natural way of being unless you fight for your needs to be met. to take it even further, he is perfectly ok to take advantage of your kindness or your availability or whatever it may be until he is confronted and thus the security of the relationship, something that would not benefit him, is threatened. nothing else is wrong besides being left feeling that you have joined his circle (his job, his children, etc) to serve his goals and support his dreams first and foremost as if you were not perfectly fulfilled and content living your own life and supporting your own dreams and goals. in fact the compatibility otherwise is great. but at the same time, the compatibility otherwise does get affected by this realization. the alternative to go back to being on your own where you know you can be your best version, healthier, not having to compromise your happiness and sacrifice for others without getting your needs met, is very lucrative.the feedback is that this is resolved through communication. the feedback is always very compassionate, loving, empathetic...but the feedback is words, and actions have spoken and continue to speak otherwise. this makes the feedback feel manipulative.i think this is beyond communicating your needs.i think this is about someone showing you who they are which is something you either accept or choose to distance yourself from. setting boundaries is something you need to do with anyone but to be on edge to protect your well being for the rest of your life, is a pretty miserable way to live. examples: conveniently scheduling time together around his schedule; conveniently forgetting to contribute to shared expenses; conveniently not being transparent about adult son's stay in the apartment we just first moved in together in and stay looking more like an indefinite stay vs short term and sharing everything 50/50 financially; conveniently pointing out he is stressed or he is sacrificing to gaslight you when it is you whose stress and sacrifice should be talked about.there is a scene in "wedding singer" where drew barrymore's fiance asks her to take the window seat on a flight. my partner commented once on me taking the best seat at restaurants (i just seat whereever) giving me a complex and making me always ask where he would like to seat. as it turns out he says he only said that because his ex used to (always a reason around a poor managed behavior) always take the better seat. the incident happened towards the beginning of our relationship and it did not sit right with me even though so small and seemingly negligible...but i think it summarizes my issue very well: HIM FIRST.

TL;DR i feel that my best interest is not kept in mind by my partner who most naturally displays self focused behavioral patterns. i feel that unless i stand up for myself and watch out for my needs, i will otherwise be taken advantage of. if it comes down to me having to set boundaries for the rest of my life, i would rather be alone. thoughts?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/unknown_0810 on 2024-01-18 14:39:51+00:00.

My boyfriend (M26) and I (F27) have been together for three years, and I recently saw that a girl who made my life miserable is friends with him on all social media. I asked him about it, and he said she was a friend of his (he's never brought her up before). I told him about all of the horrible things she used to message me (she would call me fat, ugly, who*re, told me to kms) and that she is the reason I attempted the first time. I asked if he would remove her, and he said "why? I don't like removing people." My feelings are hurt because I've never asked him to do this before and I feel like he values his friendship with her over his relationship to me. Im not sure how to go about this any further

TL;DR: Boyfriend won't remove girl who told me to kms and I don't know what to do.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Dear-Sea-2038 on 2024-01-18 14:14:14+00:00.

I know my partner loves me a lot and that I shouldn't worry too much about looks. I had moments were I thought I was completely okay with it but then in some situations (him talking about other girls, being fascinated by a women on TV,..) I sometimes wish he’d show me appreciation for my looks too.

To clarify, I know he is more into the cliche blonde type (he told me that himself, loving Swedish girls etc), I am a brunette (long hair, soft skin, great body but definitely the natural type).

This isn’t about me not feeling beautiful in general or having low self-esteem, I am very confident normally and ok with my looks, I do get approached a lot but I feel like it is slowly killing me to know my partner sometimes looks at me and thinks I am ugly.

Not that he does look at me often, I feel like he hardly ever does. But when, it is more this “checking me out”, sometimes I even feel like he is laughing at me. Often I am waiting for him to say anything or just try to hide my face when he does, because he never says I look good or pretty..

I am a rather rational person normally, so I constantly tell myself that it's okay to feel like that in a relationship, to feel like I am not that pretty for my partner but he loves me for who I am. As it has been quite hard for me sometimes (especially when I really try to get something out of him - put on make up, dress extra nicely, wear contact lenses more frequently etc.), I have talked to him about this topic a couple of times already. My heart felt like breaking a bit each time I took the courage to tell him I feel like he doesn't think I am beautiful. And it didn’t change anything, I don’t get “the look” or affirmative words or anything.. maybe once a month before leaving the house he says my outfit looks nice or my hair does, but never me..

I am aware he isn't really the most handsome man on this planet, however when I look at him for me he 100% is. I am so attracted by this man it is fucking insane, I could watch him just doing things being in awe of his beauty - and this wasn't like that when I first saw him but of course with developing feelings it became stronger and stronger.

how can I deal with this? Can I ever accept that my partner just doesn’t think I pretty but loves me for who I am or will it eventually destroy me?

TL;DR: boyfriend never says I am pretty, told him several times it makes me sad. tried to just accept it but seems like I can’t

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/justguy88 on 2024-01-18 14:14:10+00:00.

Throwaway account here:

So my wife has always been pretty average size 5’7” 130 lbs-ish. I don’t know 100% because we just don’t talk about it, but has mentioned in the past. I do know when I buy her clothes, and I ask…. she always said she was a size 6 …if that helps. She was also always pretty strong, does massage therapy and was really good at deep tissue. I mean, there are times when she has worked on me and it hurt, and Im not a small guy

About 6 months ago, she started changing things. Not really eating junk food, and she joined some classes at the ymca…..yoga and some cardio.

Since then, the weight has really fallen off her. I don’t know exactly how much because the few times Ive asked her, she has said, “I dont know because I dont care to weigh myself” so I just drop it.

But if I had to guess, I think she has lost at least 20-25 lbs if not more. She seems healthy in terms of energy and her skin has really cleared up, but I have noticed some other things.

I was doing laundry, which I do a lot, and her jeans are now only size 0-2.

Doing massage, she has to do her own sheets, and the other day, I heard her really struggling to carry the bag of laundry up the stairs. Yes, its a big bag, but never have I noticed that and we’ve been together for years. ……… I asked her if “you ok with that?” And she just said she needs a strong man to help her out and started flirting and getting intimate with me. (Is she changing the subject?) Which leads me to my next point. Without too much info, she looks completely different without clothes. She had some curves etc before but now shes pretty much a figure like a ballerina…..and she says she feels great, but I recently picked her up during the act and it was literally like nothing.

Another big thing I noticed was she worked on me again for massage last week, and all of the deep pressure she had before, was gone and I could tell she was really struggling. But if I bring it up she gets defensive and tells me she feels better than ever and I should be happy for her, which I am. I just worry and dont know what to do

The final straw here was our dog, who likes to walk underneath our legs all the time and nudge her head up, and has done so since she was a puppy, literally lifted my wife off the ground last night. My wife laughed about it like it was funny, but I was alarmed. Our dog is part mastiff (we think) and about 85-90 lbs……but still, that has never happened before.

I just don’t t know how to approach her. Every time I have, she shuts it down. I know she still gets her period and she does eat with me, just no junk food. Shes never eaten big portions and those haven’t changed but the snacks afterwards are only me now. I cant blame someone for wanting to be healthy but I just want to make sure shes okay.

TL;DR! Wife lost weight, am I overreacting? She says she feels great but Ive noticed she’s lost quite a bit and am concerned. How do I talk to her.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ta112120118 on 2024-01-18 13:29:42+00:00.

I love my girlfriend and she’s so perfect in so many ways but we’re not sexually compatible and it’s driving me towards major changes to the relationship. We used to be intimate in some way (below the belt) a couple times a month, but I’ve had sexual contact with her 3 or 4 times since July and we’ve only had sex once. She doesn’t want to most of the time, but when she does she really enjoys it and says she wants to do it more after, but then she won’t for months at a time and I can’t do it as someone who would realistically want sexual contact multiple times per month, which I don’t feel like is a huge ask. It’s really impacting my self esteem and self worth and it’s making me feel bad about her and myself and the relationship, but she’s so perfect in so many other ways and she’s somebody who I could see myself being with long term, but also evey time I broach the subject she gets upset. What do I do? Do I ask for a break or to open the relationship or just end things? I just want somewhat frequent monogamous sex with my girlfriend who I love so much but she has so little interest in it and won’t put in any effort and it’s hurting me

TLDR: girlfriend who I love so much wants very infrequent sexual contact and it’s hurting me. What should I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Various_Zucchini2123 on 2024-01-18 12:54:52+00:00.

My (14F) bsf(15F) who Ive been close for for a while after meeting each other on the fist day of 8th grade and got closer over the summer break. When classes started we ghosted each other since she wouldn't respond to my texts and after a week of pretending each other font exist for a week we went back to talking, and thats when i found out she got a boyfriend (a guy from our grade 14M).

I was happy for her at first but then she started telling me things that just gave me an ick(idk what to call it) about this guy, like how he wanted her to send her do pics everytime thwy talked, how he was hiding the relationship from everyone pretending and acting like he likes this other girl being touchy with her and etc., being jealous of me for hanging out with her, and other stuff. But when Christmas came around thwy decided to make their relationship public and I was happy for her.

So this is where I started to dislike her a bit, eversince this all happend is where all of these started. First she started being dry to me slowly, then overtime it was leaving me on seen, then eventually not even looking at my messages which is like ouch damn, its okay. Next is when we both went out to hangout she almost went back to the shcool because he told her to becuase he didnt want her hanging out with me which was really weird but okay. After that whenever we wiuld make plans to go out she would start dithing me to hangout with him, its sounds not that bad but I waited for her for over and hour everytime to have her time with her bf andend up being told she didint want to go becuase she was lazy and wanted to hang out with him afte naking plans with me, but sure okay. Then eventual, completely ditching me at shcool to be with him 24/7, she came up to me today asking if i was okay and wanted to talk later, and i was like sure okay then came later i tried to go with her but she tells me that shes going to hang out with him, so i was kinda hurt case i was feeling a bit down today, but its okay sure.

TLDR: My bsf has been acting off to me and im starting to dislike her. I dont want to hate her or her relationship but i feel so bad that im starting to, especially after all the times she said that uf he made her pick she would pick me, which did happen and she picked him so yeah. Am I being a bad bsf in this situation?? I feel like such an ahole rn.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Purple_Voice_6676 on 2024-01-18 12:48:21+00:00.

Myself and my boyfriend have been together 3 years. Yesterday my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with him and two friends, I said no and when he asked why I didn’t respond to the text (I was downstairs and he was upstairs) but he text again to check if someone was at our door so I responded to that one.

The reason I said no is because in the past his drinking has caused issues in our relationship repeatedly and the thought of attending a concert with him potentially drinking made me feel anxious. For context he hasn’t drank in 4 months now due to behaviour he said he was ashamed of, embarrassed about, said he wanted to die and didn’t want to be like his dad (who has a big drinking problem).

I didn’t want to get into the conversation of why I didn’t want to go to the concert because he gets defensive, says I don’t support him trying not to drink, says I’m the reason for him stopping drinking when at the time he said I was part of it but also because of the emotions he listed above. Anyway, he came down stairs and asked why multiple times and said he wouldn’t stop until I told him so I eventually did, we had a calm conversation and I did get teary speaking about it cause his actions while drinking have impacted me and our relationship a lot in the past. He didn’t understand why I was upset and I explained that he told me a lot that he would/wouldn’t do things and didn’t keep his word so it’s almost as if I’m waiting on a repeated event. I told him I wanted him to go to the concert but I would give it a miss and the conversation ended and he walked away (while I was visibly upset).

A little later I thought he cursed at me and I asked why he did and he answered with an attitude saying he didn’t and walked out, so I shut the door behind him. He didn’t speak to me the rest of the night or this morning and left without saying bye so I text asking why. He said I was rude yesterday and slammed the door (I did not) and that I am emotionally manipulating him to not go to the concert because I cried and said my actions are the reason he won’t go to the concert because I ruined it (my actions being getting teary while we were speaking after he continued to ask me why) even tho the concert is in 6 months.. He said i should have lied and said I didn’t want to go because I didn’t enjoy the band the first time we saw them, but we both know I loved that concert. He went on to say I play the victim when I said I’m able to express my emotions and that I expect him to stay within the 4 walls of our house and the gym. Ice never asked him not to socialise ever. But 9 times out of 10, when his friends socialise, which isn’t often because they no longer live together, they go out to drink and party. At times he goes and doesn’t drink but has said himself that he doesn’t want to go out, and would prefer to save the money. I’ve never had an input on that. He also said I want support when I emotional but I don’t give it - I feel I defo have support and we’ve had so many conversations about how he finds it difficult expressing emotions so I feel as tho a lot of times he just won’t tell me when he needs it and isn’t super emotional. I have only really seen him emotional when we have broken up and he has wanted to get back together and after he he’s fuckwd up where as I would express my emotions a lot more

TL;DR - I told my boyfriend I didn’t want to go to a concert with him and his friends and when he asked why multiple times I eventually told him it’s because I feel anxious about being in the situation that he will potentially drink in. He called me emotionally abused for crying and telling him this. I don’t know if I’m totally unaware of my behaviour but does it come across that I am being emotionally manipulative?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ilovemywifeashe on 2024-01-18 12:17:44+00:00.

We’ve been married for 6 months and have been together for 9 years. I created a new account to ask for advice; she knows my real Reddit account, and I’m afraid if she sees me posting this, it might upset her more.

My mom celebrated her 52nd birthday yesterday, and as always, my wife had a gift for her. They had chitchats while I was talking with my younger brother, since I hadn’t seen him for a while. The next day (today), we were teasing each other and joking around, then I asked her if mom liked her gift (her gift was a keychain and some sticky notes, pens, and makeup). She said yes, and my mom showed her a keychain she gave me 10 years ago when she had a crush on me. She then looked down and told me, “Don’t be mad or call me creepy; I gifted your mom for her birthday long ago.” She then started explaining that my friends told her that it was my mom's birthday, and she rushed a gift for her and asked them to give it to her. I started laughing and said, “I know. My mom or my friends didn’t tell me, but I knew,” and I think the next part is the part that upset her; I said, “You literally had everybody on your side. My friends and my family like you so much during that time; I don’t even think I would date you if it weren’t for everybody telling me that we’re a perfect match.” I said it as a joke but it was half true, she then looked at me as if she were sad and mad at the same time; looking back, I realized it was offensive, but I didn’t think of it because we are close like best friends; she is my best friend. I don't know what to do; she’s at work right now; she left 2 hours ago; she’ll celebrate her birthday on 21; I don’t want her feeling like that on her birthday. I want to tell her that it was my choice to date her, and I love her so much, not just because people close to me liked her for me.

TL;DR: I upset my wife by telling her that I don’t think I would've dated her if it weren't for people close to me telling me that she was perfect for me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/traumatised_4lyf on 2024-01-18 12:37:49+00:00.

This is such a weird scene, but me and my Idr gf had a fight, which doesnt seem to be resolved online, well we live in different countries and now i want to go see her in person.

But the problem is, i study here in a diff country, where my semester is going on, and my dad wont like me coming to my home country before my summer break.

I feel really stuck now, cuz it wont be good if my dad finds it out, but on the other hand i really want to meet her and solve all our issues.

Is there any way my dad could find out that I have visited my home country, if we ignore the fact that he doesnt see me irl obviously?

tl;dr : I want to see my ldr gf but i dont want my dad to know

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Small-Cause9905 on 2024-01-18 12:37:24+00:00.

Hi!! Im in a 3 years relationship now, with my boyfriend, he's always been the best boy to hang out. He's so sweet and kind, he makes sure im always ok and always loved. Everything was fine until he met a guy 4 months ago. SIDE NOTE: I knew this guy before, like a year ago, he was my ex best friend's boyfriend and he cheated on her twice, hes a smoker and not the best influence. He's now in a new relationship but always hang out with a lot of girls. My boyfriend hated to smoke, he always told me that he'd never do that cause he didn't like it. Then he's now a smoker.. i accepted him of course, but im so concerned. This guy always try to introduce my boyfriend a lot of different girls, my boyfriend has never had a female friend. My boyfriend and this guy plays together, my of plays the drums and this guy the guitar, at my boyfriend's house. This guy one day asked my boyfriend if he wanted to invite one of his female friend to sing and play the guitar (im a singer too), my of asked me if it was ok for me, i told him that i felt uncomfortable cause i didnt know her and i was scared that she would've go to his home. He said "ok dont worry im fine, i thought it would've been weird too" Then this guy asked him A SECOND TIME to bring this girl. Yesterday i texted my bf and he told me: im at home with (this guy) and (a girls name i've never heard before) and i was so shocked. Of course i didn't tell him anything but i felt really nervous and sad. i dont know what to do, i think this guy is trying to make my boyfriend like him, but when i talked abt this with my boy he told me he was fine, that this guy was good etc. (My boyfriend know abt his past and that he's a cheater) HELP I HATE THIS GUY HE'S RUINING MY RELATIONSHIP AND MY TRUST. I dont know what to do, im happy that my bf has a friend but im so scared. I dont wanna seem toxic. Is it normal that i hate. so much this guy??? I forgot something, this guy and my boyfriend are in the same class, so they see each other everyday.

TDLR: My boyfriend is friend with someone who is not a good influence, and i dont know what to do or if i have to tell him.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/guardseizehim on 2024-01-18 12:36:42+00:00.

So I'm going to preface this by saying, I love my boyfriend, but he has a lot of problems. Both in the physical, financial, and emotional aspects

However, he's working on all of them, and to me as long as you are actively taking steps or working on improving a problem you have I don't consider it a problem

This problem however I need to vent about because I need to get this off my chest, which is, he's transgender, and he's in the early stages of transitioning

So as of now physically speaking he has the body of a woman the problem is, as a gay man, I am not attracted to women even remotely

And then to compile onto that he is quite a bit overweight due to the fact that he used to have anorexia and his parents over compensated when trying to help him with his anorexia and ended up essentially making him overeat for about two and a half years

Now again, at the end of the day, he's working on his weight, and, he's on hormone replacement therapy so you know eventually there's going to be a few changes and a few years down the line there's going to be surgeries and this and that to help him out but like, fucking hell, it's a long time in the making

And this is kind of going off on a tangent a little bit, but one big thing is like, in the bedroom my whole thing is pleasuring the other person so you know if I have to deal with woman bits for a few years that's not that bad, but he's asked for oral multiple times and I just can't bring myself to do that, it absolutely disgust me

And I feel bad, because like it's not his fault and I'm trying not to blame him for it but like I can't really change how I feel about him physically

Anyways that was my rant

TLDR: My transgender boyfriend is in the beginning of transitioning and as a gay man it's hard to be attracted to someone that is essentially in a women's body

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/prettycat123 on 2024-01-18 12:17:58+00:00.

I (21 F) have been with my boyfriend (21 m) for just over a year now. He's always been emotionally detached, and I thought, perhaps naively, for a while that it would get better over time. It hasn't. I'm doing important exams at the moment and he hasn't texted me once to ask how they're going or to wish me luck, he also had an exam which I wished him luck for and asked him how it went. When I've brought this up with him he got defensive and said that he isn't that bad- because he knows my birthday and our anniversary. Might not be relevant but he didn't know my birthday until around 6 months into our relationship. I think I know I need to end it, but it's so hard when you love someone.

Tldr; My boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and I'm at the end of my tether

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/anonsecretthrow on 2024-01-18 11:44:38+00:00.

I don't even think there's a word for this behaviour. I'll try to describe his behaviour and give examples. We've been married almost eight years.

Whenever I have a negative opinion or state a boundary, he will apply that to other related things in a general way even if I don't want him to. It's hard to describe but I think of it as a "blanket ban". He doesn't seem to be able to stop himself. It can happen for anything, no matter how small, and has resulted in me trying not to express opinions or, to avoid the situation, overly explain everything I say.

Example one: he likes to play pool with his friends. It's a great hobby, he has a lot of fun and meets people, and it gets him out of the house. Early in our relationship I said that it's great, but I'd rather he didn't do it more than twice a week because I'd like to spend time with him. A couple of years ago he started going out three or four times a week and I reminded him that I'd rather it be twice a week. He then stopped playing pool except for once a week or once every other week. Sometimes it's once a month. And he thinks I don't want him to play, even when I specifically say that I'd like him to and that he should. I think he resents me for it when he's doing something I didn't even want him to do.

Example two: I don't like to have sex right after eating (it's uncomfortable to me) or right before bed (it wakes me up too much). When I shared that with him the frequency went down to zero. This was approximately five or so years ago. We've had so many conversations after that where I've asked what was wrong and he pointed to my boundaries and said that he doesn't know what to do and is afraid to initiate. I've told him this is unacceptable. We tried relationship counselling for this one but it didn't work because it didn't address the central issue - his "blanket bans".

Example three: I believe in something not many people do. I understand it's silly, but ultimately harmless. Think crystal healing. I find it a fun things to talk about, so I have been wittering on to my husband about this for almost a year. A week ago he told me he didn't believe in it at all, and I was embarrassed and said I'd stop talking about it then. Since then, he has barely talked to me about anything other than food, etc., and told me this morning his feelings were hurt about it. I think he's taken my saying I'm not going to talk about crystal healing to meaning I'm not going to talk to him about anything at all.

These are the bigger things, but it seems to happen for almost everything. He reacts to everything I say as if it's some sort of criticism, and he overreacts. I tried to reach out and pat his shoulder today because he's been so remote and seems stressed, and he immediately said that he's sorry about his hair and he'll do better about it. I told him that I was just trying to express affection and I can't believe that he'd take it as a criticism. I feel like he's acting like I'm evil and mean and will yell at him about everything, even if it's small. I don't know where he got that impression. I am very reasonable and nice and have only been upset with him a handful of times in our eleven year relationship.

Counselling: yes, we tried couples counselling, didn't get anywhere because they didn't address the central issue. He tried individual counselling but I think he only talked to them about stress at work. I haven't seen any improvements at all.

My individual counsellor says there's nothing wrong with me, but I am becoming depressed. Which isn't surprising. I don't want to divorce my husband. I love him.

TL;DR! - Husband catastrophises everything, is very sensitive, and the slightest thing can have longstanding consequences. Is there anything I can do in this situation other than counselling because we tried that and it didn't work?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Fun-Sense-4189 on 2024-01-18 10:45:04+00:00.

So me and my husband are married since 33 years and we have always been happy and satisfied with our life.

We met at university and we are like soulmates, we are the funny(a bit "cringe" for some friends ahahah) couple. We love to make pranks, enjoy the little things and makes photos of every good memory of our life.

But we are also extremely realist and cinical too because when we married we made a precise and cinic plan on how our life would be. Since the first paycheck of our work(he is a lawyer and i'm a business consultant) we started to save money to buy in full our house. We searched for years the right house for us and saved a lot of money because we wanted that house to be our first and only so it would be pretty expensive.

In 5 years of hard work, extra time, stress and dedication we finally did it and bought our "dream" house.

Then after a year, of saving again money, we decided that it was the right time to have kids and we had our first son(25 now) and our daugther(24 now). They have always been our pride and joy. My husband wanted to be always present for them(he had issues of being neglected by his parents) and he did. Never missed anything of their life or activity and i was(and still am) very very proud of him.

We travelled a lot(since our work was going very well) and made unforgettable memories by ourself and with our kids.

The real issue comes here.

1 year ago they moved out to live their life and be indipendent and we made a bank account for both of them to cover all their studies bills and expenses.

Obviously the day they moved out wasn't easy at all. We still see them as our "little kids" ahahah and we cried a lot but we both knew it was time that they would live their life and be indipendent.

Of course i cried a lot and my husband too because he was very very attached to them. He even offered to cover their first apartment expenses but they refused because they found a job and didn't wanted to rely on us too much.

Well since they moved out my husband have been very sad. He tries his best to put on the happy face but after all this years i know when he is faking happiness or not and in this year he's faking it.

I mean i too miss them a lot but it's right to make them "fly away" and do their life but he always talks about when they were here with us, the beautiful moments we shared together, the good old memories and all this stuff.

So some advices please??? What can i do to make him happy again???

TL:DR; My(56F) husband(58M) is always sad after our "kids" moved out. What can i do to make him happy again???

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ProfessionalGarlic17 on 2024-01-18 10:20:30+00:00.

I really want my bf to take me to a nice restaurant or get me a thoughtful gift for Valentine’s Day. Last year was our first valentine’s day together and he literally didn’t get me anything. I bought him a variety of gifts and he said thanks and didn’t mention or plan anything for me. We hadn’t talked about getting each other gifts prior or anything but I thought it was pretty obvious that you should show some type of love or appreciation for your S/O. This really upset me and tried to act like it didn’t bother me but I talked to him about it and he apologized. To make it up to me he took me to a restaurant around the corner from his house. We go out to eat pretty often so it wasn’t anything that made me feel special it was literally the bare minimum. I don’t want a repeat of that this year and I’m not sure how to bring it up. Should just I just say “ hey can you ACTUALLY TRY this year?” Or just recommend a few things that I would like do to?

TL;DR; Bf didn’t get me anything for v- day last year. Not sure how to bring up that i want him to do something nice this year.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Top_Sherbert7159 on 2024-01-18 09:51:23+00:00.

When i met my husband i had already my 4 oldest. Every one of my children have a small handicap.

My 18 year old has mild depression 16 year old has a speech slur 14 year old has cerebral palsy 12 year old is autistic

I over heard my husband on the phone saying “something is wrong with all of her children and I’m trying to figure out is it because of her or her ex. I’m thinking it’s her beause they all have something mental going on”

I was upset when i heard him him tell whoever that i was the reason for my children not being properly developed

TL:DR; am i overreacting ? I don’t like the fact that he’s telling someone about my children in that manner

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/uhatewatermelon on 2024-01-18 09:40:07+00:00.

My boyfriend (23M) and I (24F) have been in a rough patch lately. It has gotten to the point that I'm afraid of opening up to him because he takes it as attacks against him. Ironically, he would be the first one to say that he is aware that what he is doing is hurting me, but when I'm the one to talk about it, he gets all defensive and goes "If you're hurting this much because of this and that, what do you want me to do?"

Recently and just before last year ended, he would say that he doesn't want drama in his relationship whenever I express my feelings to him and that I blow things up and make things bigger than they are.

What would you do in this situation? I'm willing to give more context through inbox. I'm just feeling really lost and would love to talk to someone about what to do.

TLDR: Boyfriend calls it "drama" when I get upset over something he does and I open up about it.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Kayak_73 on 2024-01-18 09:40:03+00:00.

It’s been 10 months since I (25F) and my bf (26M) have been dating. We live together.

We haven’t said I love you. I def feel it but I don’t want to say it first. I’m not sure what to do though because if he doesn’t love me too by now then it isn’t going to work. But I’m too shy to say it first (ptsd, anxiety, MDD).

We also have had sex 3 times in this time. I don’t care and he doesn’t care but I don’t know what it normal.

Are these things red flags? Otherwise everything is all great!!!

TDLR: haven’t said I love you in 10 months. Have only had sex 3 times and don’t know at what point is red flag

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ILovePussyJuice69 on 2024-01-18 09:37:18+00:00.

So I (18F) and my sister (16F) were planning an elaborate event for our moms 50th. To give you a bit of a background, mom is more of a homebody, she doesn’t like leaving the house, or meeting people, etc, and she had told us explicitly (a good few months ago) that she wanted this birthday to be with only her family, but because her side of the family is extremely formal (and annoying) she said we’d have to do something with them as well.

As a bit of background, my sister and i are half indian (mom) and half italian (dad). My dad’s family is pretty chill, but my mom’s family is more judgemental, and she was always neglected as a child. Moms a middle child, with two sisters - her older sister is filthy rich, so most of moms family look up to her, especially my grandma who’s in constant competition with her (yes she competes with her OWN eldest daughter). The youngest daughter - mom’s younger sister - is as rich as us, which is upper middle class i think? you may be wondering why our family incomes are necessary but you’ll know soon after you read what my grandma did.

So my sister and i wanted to curate a surprise for mom, our plan was to find a time when i’d be back home for the holidays and celebrate then, and since december (moms birthday month) is filled with holidays, it happened to be the perfect time to host her party. We thought of either taking our entire family on a trip to India (since mom talks about how much she misses India), Indonesia or the Maldives (both spots that mom used to tell us she wanted to go to). As my sister and I were in the talks about this, we informed our grandma that this is our plan and we explicitly told her that it was a SURPRISE for mom, which means mom SHOULDNT know. so anyway fast forward to a few days later, nani (my grandma) calls mom and asks her her plans for her birthday, to which mom said she didn’t have plans, so grandma tells her that for moms birthday, mom should choose between lonavla (a vacation destination spot in India) or Chennai, and her reasoning for Chennai was that “that’s where your oldest sister lives so it’ll be more convenient for her”. i mean my grandparents always favor her because she’s rich but this is taking it to far? it’s moms birthday? then they said that they will be paying for it, for 7 rooms - 1 for mom, my sister, my dad and i, 1 for moms younger sister, her kids and husband, 1 for our grandparents and 4 FOR MY OLDER AUNT (moms older sister). you know why? because my aunts spoiled daughters need rooms to themselves (there are 3 of them).

keep in mind my sister and i had ALREADY shared the plan with grandma over multiple phone calls, we were going to be paying out of our own earnings because we wanted to do this gesture, plus we were taking mom to someplace she actually wanted to visit? our plan was either indonesia, maldives or india (goa, not lonavla). so taking mom for a destination birthday party (or whatever it’s called) won’t be as much of a surprise now that grandma ruined it. anyway, what should we do? should we go ahead with our plan or should we let grandma decide? i would let her but the problem is she’s deciding places that are convenient to her and her eldest daughter (lonavla and chennai) instead of what mom would actually want. plus, mom and dad should get their own room without having to bunk with my sister and i, but only her older sister gets that privilege? where should my sister and i go from here? i dont wanna stir up family politics but this also needs to be a birthday that mom loves. all advice is welcomed :)

TL;DR - My grandma wants moms 50th birthday destination to be what’s most convenient to her and her eldest daughter (moms older sister) rather than the destination mom would prefer. I don’t want to start any drama between mom and grandma by changing the destination, but i also want to have a destination mom genuinely wants.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/leviof on 2024-01-18 09:35:18+00:00.

Edit: I would like to get opinions from women!! If I should just let it go then fine! I will let it go and if it breaks stuff between us so be it!

I (27M) have been with my fiance (28F) for 8 years. We’ve been engaged for half a year and are starting to plan our wedding. I got into a fortunate situation last fall and was able to buy a brownstone for us. I love her very much, and I would like to continue our lives together. But, in the last year or two, I’ve noticed some natural changes in our appearances. This is reasonable as we get older of course, but I was under the impression that we would deal with it when the time came. For example, I started growing some dark hair on my arms that I’ve been shaving off.

She comes from an Arabic, middle eastern background and is prone to hair growth. In general, she doesn’t do much skincare, she rarely wears makeup, and she doesn’t shave/wax her arms, back, face. When we started dating, none of this mattered because we were young! But now that we’re older, the hair growth has become more prominent and it’s begun to give me the ick. I can live with the arm hair (even though it’s become relatively long and dark and I don’t know how I’ll feel about that in the future!) but the lower back and mustache are no longer fuzz, they are dark and it makes me feel less attracted to her. I don’t want to feel this way—I love her for who she is on the inside. But I do feel this way. I don’t know what to do, since this feels like an untouchable topic, but I really think this could be a deal breaker if this is how I feel at 27. I think we are meant to be together, but I am also her first serious relationship (she is not my first), and sometimes I think if we spent a little time apart, she would realize these things herself. That being said, I feel very uncomfortable having this conversation. I financially support her and this would cause a large change in her lifestyle. She would probably have to live with a bunch of roommates, get a proper job, etc. I shave gross hair that I’ve started to grow as I get older, keep my hair how she likes it (I prefer it different), and maintaining a style she appreciates. It makes me happy to do things that she finds attractive!

Anyway, I would just like to communicate the hair thing to her somehow. Her mom and younger sister shave and wear makeup and do the whole thing. Maybe I should speak with them?

She already uses our joint credit card for many of her expenses, but should I get her a gift card for a beauty salon or laser? She has mentioned in the past that she would like to do laser someday (she brought it up while speaking about someone else).

TL;DR: Love my Fiance. I don’t want to end it. How should I ask her to shave her mustache and/or lower back? It’s giving me a strong ick and after a year of it growing, I can’t get used to it. I have been shaving gross hairs that I am growing with age.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/FieldOfGold on 2024-01-18 09:30:07+00:00.

Firstly, I apologise if this is weird or confusing. I'm getting most of my information about this piecemeal and from third-parties, and I'm not exactly thinking straight either. I didn't sleep last night at all too.

I've known Dave since high school, and we've been part of the same friend group for about a decade now. I started dating my girlfriend about two years ago, and she became friends with Dave and our other friends at around the same time. She and Dave got along well, and I never had any concerns about that. The two of them even hung out together by themselves in the past (not often, but at least a couple times).

I'm not entirely sure how it went down, but it was described to me this way: Dave asked me and my girlfriend if we wanted to see a movie on Saturday (with our friends as well). I was busy, so my girlfriend decided to go without me (which I was fine with). When she arrived, she found out it was only her and Dave at the hangout. I don't know if it just happened to work out that way, or if Dave planned it that way, but he did know I wasn't coming.

Before the movie was going to start, they went to a place to eat. During that time, they started discussing my girlfriend and I's relationship. Somehow, this turned into Dave apparently telling her that he was in love with her. My girlfriend was surprised by this (obviously), and said she was flattered, but she was in a relationship with me. Dave said that was okay, and that he needed to get it off his chest, since he'd been apparently 'holding it in for ages'. Dave suggested that my girlfriend and he should go back to his place and 'discuss things'. My girlfriend apologised and said she couldn't do that. Dave then KISSED her, but she refused and left.

This is where things get confusing. Instead of coming home and telling me about it, my girlfriend decided to go to her best friend (Sarah)'s place to talk to her about it instead of me. DAVE was the one who called me and told me what happened. Obviously, I was pretty fucking pissed at him, and it's safe to say he's no longer my friend. Fucker even tried to say sorry about it, which just pissed me off more.

I then called my girlfriend, who initially tried to pretend nothing was wrong. When I asked how the hangout had been, she said something along the lines of "Oh, me, Sarah and Dave' had a good time". Except that I knew that Sarah didn't go. When I told her that Dave contacted me, she broke down and told me what happened. A couple of problems: Dave claims that he kissed her, but my girlfriend said that didn't happen. Also, my girlfriend claims that she felt like she'd "led Dave on a little bit".

I'm not proud to admit that I said some pretty choice things to my girlfriend after that. The fact that I had to hear about it from Dave instead of her and that she went to her best friend instead of me to talk about it really bothered me, and I let my stress get the best of me. I told her she should have come home or texted me about it right away, and I asked her if she'd been planning on hiding it from me if Dave hadn't told me. I then hung up on her. She didn't come home last night, so I assume she stayed at Sarah's place.

I know it really wasn't her fault what happened, and I regret what I said.

(I'm sorry that this is so long, but honestly writing this is helping me stay calm)

This morning, I texted my girlfriend an apology that was basically what I said . A few hours later, Sarah called me and told me that my girlfriend was really "shaken" by what Dave told her and that she wants to take a break from our relationship because of it while she "figures things out", and that she'd going to stay with Sarah for a few weeks. I said it was fine, and that she can call me or come home anytime she wants, but Sarah said it'll be a while until I hear from my girlfriend.

I'm taking the day off work, since I'm in no state to be around other people right now. This whole thing has come like a fucking bolt of lighting to the face. Yesterday, I had a girlfriend and a friend group and I was pretty happy. Now, I kinda don't have either anymore.

Did I react badly here? And tell me, does the whole "taking a break" thing make sense? Should I go to Sarah's place and try to talk to my girlfriend, or should I give her space? I feel like talking about it would be best, but Sarah made it pretty clear that my girlfriend doesn't want to talk to me right now. But I'm also confused about why she didn't and still doesn't want to talk to me about it.

TDLR thing: Our former mutual friend told my girlfriend he loves her, I didn't handle it well, and now she wants to take a break from our relationship while she processes.