Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/RockOld8863 on 2024-01-17 11:20:51+00:00.

I’ve (32f) been seeing this man (29m) off and on for 6 years. We met online. I liked him in conversation but the first time we met it was instant connection. Just being in his presence made me feel good. He was super sweet. Treated me how I always wanted to be treated and physically it was amazing. I’ve never felt so comfortable and confident in bed with anyone. The way he held me and looked at me made me feel genuinely loved… I still crave that feeling he gives me.

A few months in I get a message from a woman who says she’s his girlfriend (pregnant girlfriend) I’m devastated I block her and him. Months later he messages me again on a different account and says they are no longer together and he misses me wants to see me etc. I go back and everything is just as good as it is before. A few weeks later she messages me again. They never broke up. I block him again. Months later again he messages. Seems single comes and visits me at work, texts constantly and I go back again, this time I find out he has another baby he didn’t tell me about that was just recently born, and he’s still with the mother. Heartbroken again. Block. Over the last year he has consistently tried to contact me from other accounts, his friends accounts, had other ppl message me, etc. recently I’ve been very depressed and I finally gave in again because I know when I’m with him in person there’s always this strong feeling of being loved even though I know he probably is incapable of it. And again I find out he has a different girlfriend.

He’s been blowing my phone up and messaging telling me this time will be different. He’s going to be single and wants to make us work. He says everytime he was single I wouldn’t talk to him or answer his messages so he couldn’t before. Basically making it seem like he’s putting his heart out I have a moment of weakness and almost make plans to see him but I pull up the girls profile and she has made a post in the time we were texting, a video of him kissing all over her face captioned with how she’ll love him forever. I feel crushed again. I blocked him again and I’m accepting and determined to never speak to him again but why does he do this? Why won’t he leave me alone?

I don’t unblock him it’s always another account. Another phone number. Another page. I don’t understand if I’m worth all that effort why am I not worth being with? Why, even after knowing that he hurts me every time, does he keep doing it? I know I’m partly to blame because ppl only do what you allow but he is so manipulative. He always makes me believe he cares about me and wants me back. I’m too gullible. I hate myself for allowing it. It makes me feel like all I’m ever going to be worth to anyone is for sex only. That’s all he really wants.

Tl;dr: man I’ve been seeing off and on for 6 years consistently tricks me into coming back and every time I find out he has a girlfriend.

Edited a typo and added punctuation

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/thirstyforecape on 2024-01-17 09:07:27+00:00.

I today looked in my bfs phone to see he had hinge open and had been talking to women while I was away with family over the holidays and he was visiting family on the other side of the country with his kids.

He says he was just bored and it didn't mean anything to him. He has always been the one to pursue me and say how much he loves me and wants to get married. I was more apprehensive and usually take my time. My friends all have told me how much it shows that he loves me and he is so into me. Over the last year or so I have come to fall in love with him as well and have even been sharing engagement rings with my best friend since she approves of him and has talked to him about possible engagement.

He has always had a higher sex drive than me. I am a very open person and understand monogamy isn't for everyone and sticking to it can be difficult for some. I have told him that if he feels as if he needs more to just let me know and we can open that door if need be as long as it didn't become as meaningful as our relationship. He has reassured me that he is a one woman man and doesn't need nor want anyone else. He was in a long marriage with his wife before she passed due to liver failure.

He was visibly distraught and upset when I showed him what I found. I could see that the two times I was away when seeing family he would message women and ask them when they would meet up. I did not see any exchange of contact information or actual plans to meet up but there were interest on their part and clearly interest on his if he is asking for them to meet.

He insisted he was just bored and that they meant nothing and he had no true intention on meeting up with them. This I can come to terms with and accept. What I am having a hard time with is the fact that he sought others out to begin with. I have had propositions and men message me since we have been more seriously and I make it clear that I am not interested and that I am with a good man. I feel betrayed and embarrassed that he did not have the same respect for me. He is wonderful in so many ways to me so I am truly confused. I asked him if there is something missing from me and he said no that I am perfect. But I just cant understand why chose to do that when he was bored. There's so many other things he could have done. I don't hold him back from porn and even innocent flirting would have been fine but asking lets meet up even if there were no intentions to just feels so dirty and wrong to me.

I don't want to give up the relationship we have but I also don't want to have to worry about infidelity. What can I do to make the right decision?

TLDR: Saw bf talking to girls on hinge, he says they mean nothing but I’m not sure if I can forgive this indiscretion

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Grassstains4 on 2024-01-17 08:50:37+00:00.

Are there men that genuinely only have eyes for their partner?

I’m not asking as a snide remark, I’m just genuinely curious. I know I (25f) just am 100% not interested in any other men than my boyfriend (23m) of 2.5 years. Wether it’s out in person or online or whatever. I have felt this way in all my previous serious relationships too. Attraction is so based on personality for me that I just don’t feel attraction towards anyone except him. He has had issues with honesty our whole relationship. I’m not even sure I know everything now but our relationship is so wonderful in every other aspect that we decided to seek counseling and work on things. I recently found out about a porn addiction he was struggling with and along with that came the admission that he feels sexually attracted to women in public occasionally and often finds women online attractive and would at times deep dive into particular women or attributes that I do not posses (blue hair, blond, petite, etc) and use that as inspiration to put it lightly. Not to literally unfaithful measures but to a similar effect as far as my self esteem and security within our relationship was concerned. He’s on a “reset” from porn and masterbation and was seeing improvements in how he perceived women in public after taking a break from years of objectifying them through porn. I should note that I have no issue with porn and watch it myself on occasion but I think, like with anything, there is an unhealthy level and he admitted he felt he had crossed that line many years ago. While he’s made some improvements and I’ve worked on my self esteem, it just brought me to tears when he said he still finds other women’s bodies attractive online. I think the pain is not that he finds them attractive, I also think “oh she’s really pretty” and I don’t feel there’s anything wrong with acknowledging that someone is attractive, it’s just the feeling attracted to them I’d rather not imagine my partner doing especially to the extent he had in the past. I also have deep concerns from this that he may just not be as interested in me as I am him. I do not consider myself to have a history of insecurity but this has taken me to points at its worst where I feel like I just must not be good enough for him. When talking to the therapist we’re seeing about it, he told me that all humans feel that way and if I keep reacting with sadness to admissions I’ll just train him to lie to me again. I know there is truth to what he is saying, but I just do not relate because I do not feel that way about other men. If it’s all people I guess I have some inner work to do but truthfully if it’s an option, I’m not sure it’s a quality in a partner that I’m really interested in.

TLDR I am wondering if there are other people, specifically men, that also do not feel attraction to people other than their partner when in a committed, monogamous relationship.

Edit: I get that maybe it’s normal to feel attraction to other people, it’s just not something I’m personally interested in, or at least to the degrees my current partner has taken it to. I more just want to know if there are men out there who honestly don’t feel that way or if every guy who says they don’t is just lying to avoid this scenario.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Embarrassed-Touch328 on 2024-01-17 00:51:01+00:00.

The conversation was based on a mutual interest in music and they were suggesting songs. By the time he was writing messages over Christmas and New Year he was signing off with kisses and hugs. When I caught him he was writing things like "running up to surprise you from behind with a hug". This was all from his side of the conversation and initiated by him.

I am hurt and angry which might be stopped me from seeing things clearly. Apologies if anything I write is confusing, my mind is not thinking clearly.

If this were someone I was giving advice to, I'd tell them not to put themselves through the torment always wondering if their spouse is on the look out to connect inappropriately with another person.

My husband thinks this is a small silly mistake and I should not be talking about divorce. His solution is to never talk to another female online, butbonly becof how I'm reacting. Not because he can't control his sexual desires and is flirting with women online.

We have been married for 8 years and together for 10 years. To put thing into context, we have had similar problems in our relationship before we were married. A week after he proposed to me, I caught him having cyber sex with two women online. He was also messaging an ex talking about how he's still gutted they never hooked up in a hotel (talking about stuff between then before I'd met him). But saying he was still gutted about it when we were engaged made ne feel like he was bringing old emotional connections to the present. He was also checking another ex's Facebook profile repeatedly, everyone single day, multiple times. When I caught him, he said he didn't think it was cheating but he would put an end to it all because I felt it was cheating and because I was hurt.

He also uses Cam girl sites which again, I feel is too close to an online emotional affair since he can cgat and interact to these women. It's not a pre-recorded video which takes away that element of sexual human connection. He told me he never talks on tge cam sites and would never talk to them so it's unreasonable of me to tell him not to. But now he's talking to a woman on and flirting with her?

He thinks he has only been inappropriate 1 time and I should not be this upset. He thinks everything that happened when we were engaged is irrelevant to what is happening now.

Is this marriage ending behaviour? Am I too sensitive and controlling over his interactions with women? How should I react healthily to this situation?

TL;DR Husband was chatting flirtatiously to a woman online. I've told him I think online behaviour like this is cheating. Is divorce a knee jerk reaction, is there a more rational way of resolving this?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Master_Parsley4062 on 2024-01-15 13:42:38+00:00.

This will be a longer one, I am really stuck and I don't know how to proceed. Any help is really appreciated!

Context:

• We have known each other since our childhood.
  • My father and her mom were childhood friends, so we saw each other a couple of times each year in our youth and had fun playing video games.
• We both lost our fathers at a young age.
  • So we have memories of each other's fathers and we went through a very similar traumatic experience.
  • There is a deep understanding between the two of us.
• We lost touch in our teens and didn't meet until our late twenties through work.
  • I became her manager/boss on a project basis.
• I never had trouble of connecting with women but I never had a serious relationship.
• She had multiple long and serious relationships in the past.
  • According to her, every man in her life abused and hurt her, this started with emotional abuse by her father in her childhood.

Our current relationship:

• For the first year of us working together nothing of interest happened, we were in a normal friendly working relationship.

  • There wasn't any attraction or deep emotional connection between us.

• This all changed when we traveled together to the countryside to a surprise house party hosted for the birthday of her business partner.

  • .We got drunk and somehow ended up in a deep conversation cuddling, caressing each other, and giving each other subtle kisses on each other's cheeks, necks, and so on.
  • We didn't make out but to the outside eye, we looked like a couple.
    • This was confirmed by some guys who asked me the morning after about how long have we been together with her.
  • I didn't think much of it as this was only a drunken night and at this point, the girl was still in her previous relationship. I just moved on.

• The next couple of months we started speaking more, while working, while outside of work and we started developing a solid friendship.

  • we also started casually flirting with each other.
    • At this point, this was mostly innocent.
  • I was focused on remaining professional in our working life.
    • I also was consciously keeping my distance because our families have known each other since our birth and by the fact that she is older than me.

• Around six months have passed since the party when she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend.

  • This coincided with us being invited to a country wine festival along with all our other colleagues, but as it turned out in the end only the two of us made the trip.
  • We spent this event like two peas in a pod, we held each other's hands constantly, cuddled, hugged, watched movies in my bed, drank wine while listening to live music, and discussing all the big things about life. It was like living in a rom-com.
  • Even though I enjoyed myself I was still in denial about my developing feelings and wanted to keep our relationship as a friendship and as a professional partnership.

• After the event in the coming 2 months, the flirting started to get out of hand.

  • When we spoke online she dropped all work and only focused on me (This meant multiple hours each day).
  • At every single event where we met and alcohol was involved, we ended up with our now "usual" routine:
    • Closing out everyone around us, only focusing on each other, cuddling, and sharing our deepest thoughts.
  • After one such occasion, one of my childhood friends sat me down and honestly told me fair and square that how we behaved with that girl doesn't look like friendship at all.
  • At this point I was fully conflicted and started developing feelings.

• A couple of days passed and I asked her to a date where I intended to clarify what is this between us.

  • I brought her a white rose, and chose a nice restaurant for the occasion. I got straight to the point and told her that I started developing feelings and that we should either try dating or we need to set boundaries.
  • She wanted to set boundaries, and she told me that our professional relationship and our friendship were so important to her that she didn't want to risk either of them. She also mentioned that she had horrible experiences with mixing work and feelings.
  • I know it might sound strange but as soon as things were clear I instantly felt like all my doubts and insecurities were gone.
  • At this point, we were so comfortable with each other that even a heavy and emotional topic like this caused zero awkwardness and tension between us.
    • What happened after? The only logical thing, we proceeded and spoke for 3 more hours and we turned our "let's set boundaries" talk into a romantic date.

• As I think you can figure out by now, we couldn't keep the boundaries and nothing changed. We were stuck in this situation of limbo.

  • When I wanted to take it further she backed down.
  • When I tried to keep some distance away from her she pulled me back in.
  • This was going on for around 6 months when I left my own company.
    • I wanted to use this opportunity as suddenly we no longer were working together to invite her on a date to talk about this situation.
    • she told me that she thought she can make it then she left me on seen for 5 days.
  • I got the message, as I was starting a new chapter of my life it was easier to walk away from her as well, so I decided to leave her on "soft-ignore"
    • when she reached out I answered, but I never looked for her company or contacted her.
    • She continued to reach out to me without fail once or twice each week.
    • she always sent me flirty and relationship-themed memes, and when I replied I did the same.

• This was going on like this for more than 6 months.

  • Then I had a couple of beers with her business partner (a guy) and after a couple of beers we decided to buy a video game and play together.
  • The next day I get a message from the girl that she also bought the game and she will be joining us today!
  • After a couple of weeks there were only the two of us left playing, multiple nights each week, for endless hours, we were having our "usual" deep conversations and we were flirting, laughing, singing duets and acting like total retards for around 12+ hours each week.
  • It was getting better and deeper hour by hour week by week.
    • I received more positivity, emotional support, and compliments from her in the last 3 months than in my whole life combined.
    • Somehow when we sat down and heard each other's voices all the trouble and tension in the world disappeared.
    • Also, we started calling each other baby.
    • Throughout this period I tried to initiate some dates but she always pulled back from them.
    • She managed to convince me to help her with a project thus reestablishing our business relationship.

• After a month or so we finally met in person, she initiated it, I took her to a nice romantic place.

  • she mentioned that she has to wake up early so she can only stay a couple of hours
  • We ended up staying until the restaurant closed, the vibes were so good that she didn't want to go home so we visited a bar and ended up staying until that closed as well, and even after that we stayed in and walked some more in the pouring snow. It all ended in a big long hug.
    • Even though the setting was right, I didn't want to kiss her yet as this was our first meeting in 6 months, and I was still unsure about where I wanted to take this.
  • As soon as she got home she messaged me that she felt great.

• After the meeting, we had our usual gaming sessions for the week, where we discussed how great we felt.

  • And I told her that I wanted to schedule our next meeting but low and behold she fully ignored me and disappeared for a week.
  • Then she got back like nothing happened, and invited me to two small events before Christmas (3-4 people) hosted at her house.
  • I brought her flowers and visibly made her nervous. This was noticed by and pointed at by the other guests as well
    • At these events we brought our usual form, she was always trying to be near me and to have physical contact.
    • the flirting was out of this world, hugging, hand touching tight caressing, deep eye contact, and just all-around good vibes.
    • During these events and also during our gaming sessions in this period she often mentioned that I was confusing her.

• Slowly but surely she made me hopelessly fall in love with her.

• After these we both spent our holidays with our families separately but while keeping touch.

  • We spent the whole first week of the year gaming together, our chemistry now has developed to the point that we complete each other's sentences, when we are gaming with somebody else and they ask a question she responds for me or responds to questions as "we".
  • She even convinced me to watch an older series that she had seen a hundred times and restarted watching it from the beginning to keep up with me. And keeps asking me about the episodes I watched.
  • Our chemistry was developing day by day, and we were keeping in touch every day, It was very mutual and organic, sometimes I reached out, and sometimes she did.
    • We began sending each other cute memes every morning, we discussed our days and started saying goodbye to each other every night
  • The only thing missing was more time spent together in person. And for me, this was the logical progression of our relationship.

• Then we got to the present d...

Content cut off. Read original on https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/19790i4/i_29m_am_in_a_complicated_relationship_with_a/

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Whateverwhateves_ on 2024-01-15 13:30:40+00:00.

My close friend was in my wedding, she was very difficult The first was the dress- I asked all my bridesmaids to get a dress of their choice by certain time. She did not follow up I had to reach out multiple times at one point she told me my timelines aren’t realistic for her as my wedding was not until 6 months. I decided to say I understand my timelines are mines to folllow. Fast forward during the bachelorette process I heard complaints about small things and haven’t heard from her. I reached out because I thought It would be weird for her to show up and I haven’t spoken to her. I asked her about her behavior. I knew she went through a breakup and that she was a little sad I would checkin prior to the rude comments but in this call I asked. I also told her I dont have mean friends I don’t see the point so if something is going on let me know. She apologized and I moved on. But fast forward, After the trip I heard remarks about cost of things so I decided to cover it all while I saw her attending concerts and planning vacations etc. I didn’t say anything I just proceeded. At the wedding we had multiple events and I hadn’t heard once she arrived into the country, I saw her at the welcome and, rehearsal dinner. We had a day after brunch and I received no communication about her attending, she was hanging out with another one of the bridesmaid and that’s when I knew they wouldn’t be attending which was fine. the wedding was out of the country I checked in despite being annoyed making sure that she landed back safely etc. Once she arrived back home safely I stopped speaking to her because of how annoyed I had been for over the pass year with her. She didn't reached out either.

SN My work had me attending a conference and I invited her majority paid for. I never received a thank you, she was rude by making comments and then told me it was because she had a stomach I also ignored it.

I saw her at a birthday dinner we chatted like normal because I didn’t want to be awkward. I mentioned playful oh hey you’re alive and she responded the same way. The break the ice. After that I said we prob should have a conversation and she said now I said no. And carried on with normal chit chat. It’s a new day and I don’t want to reach out because I just can’t understand I thought we were closer and I would’ve acted differently. I thought about this all year during the process. We’ve been friends for 9 years but this feels like someone I didn’t know and I just can’t shake the feeling.

TL;DR! - Should I reach out her? I’m in a stage where I want to focus on my career and my family and I don’t want the added girl drama?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Whateverwhateves_ on 2024-01-15 13:26:37+00:00.

One of my friend had a multiple birthday event from 6pm- 2am for her birthday (32). I decided I would attended one of the events which was a dinner at the restaurant. My husband would pick me up after the dinner and we would possible hang out together since we don’t get enough time outside of work to spend quality time. After the dinner I let my very close friend know that I wouldn’t be joining anything after the dinner as I am going to be with my husband and we may go somewhere.

The next day I received a call about as to how she felt like I was rushing her birthday because I did not want to go out to the bar with her and the others and we choose to go somewhere else and we could’ve stayed with them. I told her, I wasn’t aware that would’ve been an issue for her if that was the case and she really wanted me there she should’ve told me then and there and I wouldn’t have told my husband to come at that time. She then insisted that she shouldn’t have to beg. And she doesn’t expect people to communicate with her on her level as to let them know what’s going in my life. After that because I was taken by surprise I said, I’m sorry you felt as though I rushed your birthday because I was not attending and event. I’m not sure how me hanging with my husband shouldn’t be an issue for you nor did I feel like I needed to explain why I need to be with my husband. I showed up to your event stayed and then decided when I wanted to leave. She then told me I was being dismissive and rude and also that my problem is also I don’t never feel like I need to explain my personal life with context which also I’m very confuse by because I was being direct and some things are just meant to be private and not a big deal . I then responded by saying I am not and again I’m not sure whatelse you want to hear because I apologize for you feeling lthis way. After I hung up the phone I was very confuse because not only did I show up I bought a gift rsvp and I am also the friend that calls and check on her etc. before I was married I would fly from wherever or fly to wherever for birthdays when I was in school. I may have shown up late or had to leave early again because of school. I recently just got married and we work a lot and some weekends is all we have to spend time (barely). I’m very confuse and it really bothers me and apart of me think I should just distant myself and not attend anything else because that’s odd to me.

TL;DR! - Should I continue being friends with this person? It was just really exhausting having this conversation and I really don’t get what the issues really is?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Stock-Ad-4945 on 2024-01-15 12:46:57+00:00.

Hi, I hope i can get some advice on how I should/could handle this situation.

I come from a large family, we have legacy concepts of respect for elders, manners, never cut ties with family etc etc. My parents in particular have raised me with a strong sense of family comes first and simultaneously have not been able to draw boundaries for themselves and never really taught me how to do so. I am now learning this for myself but i still get caught between what i feel is right, what i want to do and what my parents say.

A few years ago, i was struggling with work and a family member who was already successfully operating an ecommerce business suggest that i do the same, They provided advice, help me get set up and showed me the ropes. They also said i can do the same products as they sell, as there is enough business to go around and if not me, someone else will.

So i started, all went well and slowly, thankfully my business began to grow. I expanded into more products and related ranges. Then about 2 years after, family member messaged me asking me to stop copying their products, accused me of not knowing anything about this if it wasnt for their help and seeing as i always listened to their advice, i should listen to this demand. They said i should have asked them first and that they helped out initially but not for me to copy. I replied with an apology for any offence or misunderstanding, i explained i am not copying him, i am conducting my own research but anyway, there are many sellers on amazon, ebay etc in these categories. I also tried to explain person X selling same products online as person Y is not the same as opening a physical store next door and stealing customers. That is not how internet and ecommerce works! Also, there is no way my business would impact his (he claimed to be turning over about 40-50k per month which is huge).

They responded and said they wont accept my explanation or apology, they are keeping a list of my business activity and again demanded i stop. I replied asking if we could meet up and talk about this. I did not get a response for 3 years.

In the meantime, they kept talking to my dad and kept askign my dad to get me to stop my business, was trying to manipulate my dads emotions by claiming they have no money, they have to resort to driving uber, they have loans to pay back etc etc.

Also, in the meantime, we had a few family events where we encountered eachother, and tbh i felt awkward and like this is stupid, we are not kids, i known them my whole life, surely we can resolve this. I started having dreams about this situation and felt maybe i have unresloved emotions about this so i should try to sort this out.

I messged them and said, there is obviously still unresolved issues and it is silly we can be in the same room and not talk to each other, so can we meet up and try to move forward? They agreed and we meet up a couple months after.

In this meeting, I opened with offering to buy them a drink and saying "look dude, this is silly. Can we talk this out and move forward?" I will summerise the response:

• I got the feeling they hinted that the only reason i reached out now, was in order to ensure i get invited to a super exclusive and exciting wedding in their family
• I was accused of being too reliant on my parents (wtf that has to do with anything i dont know, but i took this as a personal attack because it was irrelevent and they definately said this in a sneering way)
• I am a liar and a cheat
• They knew "exactly the type of person" i would turn out to be, i assumed they meant a liar and a cheat
• They obviously had no intention of resolving this schism, but the only reason to agree to meet me was to "give you the chance to talk to me" like what kind of arrogant BS is that?!
• They said as far as they are concerned, we have no relationship anymore, there is no coming back for me and i am nothing to them now.

I kept trying to get the conversation back on track to something productive but after repeated personal attacks and the impression i was expected to "kiss the ring", i said "fuck this, im out" and i left.

Now, months after this encounter, and finding out they have shit talked about me to the rest of my family (none of whom contacted me to congratulate me when they found out i got engaged) i have recieved an invite to the wedding they were hinting i was trying to squeeze myself into.

my parents expect me to reply whether i will attend or not. My amazing fiance says fuck it, do what you are comfortable with, but she thinks i should just ignore. I want to ignore them and simultaneously tell them to fuck off.

I would love any ideas how best to handle this. I dont know why, but i feel answering them is giving them something that i dont want to give. I dont want to get drawn into anything but i also dont want assholes like this to think they can attempt to walk over me, bully me or insult me freely!

TLDR: after starting a successful e-commerce business similar to a family member's with their help and knowledge, faces accusations of copying and ongoing conflict with this relative. Despite my attempts to reconcile, encountered personal attacks and exclusion from family events. Seeking advice on how to respond to a wedding invitation from this relative, feeling torn between ignoring it and sticking two fingers up.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Spare-Character2262 on 2024-01-15 12:35:10+00:00.

Two years into this relationship and I don’t know if we’re a couple or simply roommates and good friends. She doesn’t show absolutely any type or form of affection, even when I talked about how important it is for me and how neglected I feel about the situation.

-Our sex life have been decreasing after the first 3-4 months of relationship to the point where we barely ever have sex, almost two months since the last time

-she doesn’t kiss me, compliment me, tell me nice things or tell me I look good pretty much never

-when I talk to her about my problems, even when I cry, she pretty much “stands” there without saying anything or showing any emotion or care

The closest thing to affection I get from her is cuddling when we watch movies, and sometimes she won’t even let me do that.

It goes to a point of misery that I’m sometimes jealous of our dog cause she shows all the emotion, love and care for him that I’d wish she did for me. She’s all the time being sweet with the dog, giving him kisses, cuddles, caring for him. The other day the dog hurt his leg a little bit (luckily nothing serious) and she started crying. Last week I was super sick with fever and all she said was “pretty sure it’s not that much”.

I talked this multiple times and she says it’s her depression, she says she’s in love with me and wants to be with me but her depression doesn’t let her be closer or show all the affection that I’d want her to. She says this will change when she gets better.

I’ve been holding for years but I don’t know if J can do this anymore. I feel unhappy and I don’t know if I believe that anything will change.

tl;dr: girlfriend is depressed and blames her depression for not being affectionate. I feel neglected and feel like I have a roommate instead of a girlfriend.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Former_Ad_2477 on 2024-01-15 12:14:43+00:00.

Hello! I would appreciate some advice. I come from a broken family and was raised solely by my mom. I have a younger sister, and we grew up comfortably. Unfortunately, during our upbringing, my mom subjected my sister and me to severe physical, mental, and emotional abuse. She once told me that she regretted having me and that I ruined her life. Despite her hurtful words, I didn't let them affect me because I understand people say negative things when upset. I'd like to think I turned out okay—I didn't rebel, finished my studies, secured internships abroad, and currently work overseas.

I moved back home in 2020-2021, and my relationship with my mom became irreparably damaged. I suffer from PCOS, and she consistently made hurtful comments, even blaming me for my breakup with my ex-boyfriend, citing that I became "ugly and fat."

Whenever I ordered food delivery, I always asked my mom if she wanted anything, but she consistently declined. However, she would express jealousy once the food arrived, claiming I never included her. My sister and I decided to stop food deliveries and go out instead. Surprisingly, my mom's response was, "I hope you die from high blood pressure." I honestly did not understand her logic.

I lent my sister $100 before her out-of-town trip, hoping she could enjoy herself while waiting for her salary. When I asked her to repay the money, she became aggressive, asserting that there's no need to pay me back because we're sisters. I confronted my sister, but my mom sided with her.

My mom had previously given my sister money to enroll in a good university, but she ended up squandering it on parties and eventually left the house. This deeply affected my mom, who suffered from diabetes and developed a bruise on her hand from the stress. It escalated to a serious condition, requiring several surgeries.

Although I was not a perfect daughter, I did everything I could to take care of my mom. I feel guilty about removing her from my healthcare plan due to her abuse. However, when she got sick, I was there for her, even going to the blood bank to get her blood. When I left the hospital, my mom wished that I get run over by a bus.

I decided to go back abroad due to the chaos at home. While my mom and I were on good terms when I left, the conflicts resumed when I was abroad. She would backstab me, calling me a selfish and bad daughter. I chose to cut her off for my own peace, and just over a month later, she passed away, miserable and unhappy on her deathbed. No one was there for her but the nanny, and I feel guilty about that.

I did everything to support her financially, covering all the bills, groceries, nanny, house maintenance, medications, etc. But it was never enough. I also tried to take care of my sister, sending her to college with a nanny, but she betrayed and scammed me multiple times. Last summer, I decided to cut her off because I couldn't sustain multiple jobs to support her. I feel betrayed by everyone. My sister won't talk to me, arguing that I left her. Our nanny left, and no one is taking care of the house. I am financially drained from sending money back home and am in debt because of my sister, causing significant stress. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

TL;DR

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ofcourse_852 on 2024-01-15 11:41:29+00:00.

Doesn’t matter what time of the day, he never picks it up.

I’ve (29F) voiced to him (28M) many times that it annoys how he never picks it up and he says his phone doesn’t vibrate and he only sees it if he has his phone on his hand. However, he has literally ignored my phone calls even when on his phone. Sometimes he’ll call back sometimes he completely ignores it and texts hours later as if nothing happened.

And it’s not like I call him multiple times, I just call once a day to say goodnight or once every two days. Or if we need to solve something quick and I call rather than text.

He calls me sometimes too and I may have missed one or two phone calls and that’s it.

I’m not concerned about cheating, rather more about how he’s dismissive about it. I’ve asked him if he doesn’t like it when I call or if I should and he said he does like it, but if he picks it up 1/10 times I’m lucky.

He can change his phone to vibrate yet he chooses not to.

I’ve tried searching similar situations here but only happens when the partner is upset or if it’s abusive, in my case, we can be blissfully having the time of our lives and he’ll still not pick it up on the day I call 💀

Is this something worth discussing about? I feel silly as it’s just a phone call but at the same time I feel as if I’m repeating myself to a wall and he doesn’t seem to care that it bothers me. Apart from that the relationship is great, but I feel like I’m an annoyance, when in reality calling your loved one is a normal thing, with him I feel like I’m a weirdo or something.

TLDR: boyfriend never picks up phone calls

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/jethawkings on 2024-01-15 11:10:25+00:00.

This is my first real relationship and this overseas flight to Japan was something we planned a year ago. We've been together for a year and a half now, 2 if counting the period were we just dating.

Something came up last month and an opportunity opened for her to sail and work on a ship for a couple of months which would not allow her to take the flight, I couldn't really stop her nor really wanted to as that's one of her dream opportunities but this left the complication of the tickets and the flight.

The tickets were already paid for and she still encouraged me to go if I can find a friend to accompany me (She did say no female friends). I did get a close college friend (M27) who is willing and we drew up plans with another mutual close college friend (F25) who lives in Japan to meet 2~3 days of the 5 days we would be in Japan. I ignorantly did not realize as a first time traveler that you can't really just change the guest information on the ticket. My college friend (M27) cannot afford a new ticket (It's 3x what we paid for) especially with the flight being a month away. Now this is the problem.Learning this, she has now made it clear she is uncomfortable me seeing another girl with no male buffer for anything because of past trauma of being cheated on in another relationship. Honestly the choices I think I have now all feel pretty bad on the context these are compromises

• Don't go to Japan, refund tickets as travel credits in the event the flight plan gets adjustment.
• Go to Japan, don't meet my college friend (F25).
• Go to Japan, pay for my college friend's ticket (M) which I'd do if money wasn't an object and if my friend would allow it.
• Go to Japan, still meet my college friend (F25).
• Go to Japan, still meet my college friend (F25) and insist she needs to bring along someone else preferably of the opposite gender to her.

How would I tell my girlfriend that her feelings are valid, while still telling her she needs to learn to let go of the negative feelings that me hanging out with someone of the opposite sex without a buffer (Though I can't imagine this would come up often, I rarely go out).

Some more context if needed

• I have no history of cheating
• Prior to her(GF) taking her overseas opportunity we have been living together for a little over 11 months. (That wasn't the plan, she lived in a unit near my unit and that turned into her staying in my unit 80% of the time, I had no real objections to it though)
• If the situation was reversed I wouldn't really be uncomfortable about it. I would say I had trauma before but it was just on dating.
• My friend (F25) lives in Japan and has her own dorm which I won't be staying in, I'm staying in Akihabara which is at least an hour's train ride away.
• No real solid plan yet on what we'd do in Japan outside of going to Fuji Q.Highland and maybe shopping / going to a temple somewhere.
• While yes I would consider her a close friend, I do not really bring her up, or hanged out frequently with her prior to her moving to Japan. We do both like watching movies and when we had nearby offices pre-lockdown, we hanged out more then but that was mostly due to circumstances.
• On hindsight I think she(GF) believes she (F25) does not like her (GF) because she was snubbed when we went on a beach trip together a year ago.
• GF does acknowledge this is toxic but she can't really stop her feelings
• GF and Friend are both Bisexual (Is that even relevant?)

TLDR; Had tickets to Japan for two, GF shipped out, was going with 2 college friends until we learned why you should actually look up how travelling works before planning anything. GF is now uncomfortable that my remaining friend I'd be meeting for most of my stay in Japan is a girl.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Luxray on 2024-01-15 10:53:54+00:00.

Okay so basically, I live on the other side of the country from my twin sisters who just turned 13. I barely know how to talk to them when I'm visiting (which is like once a year), let alone long distance, but I want to start to build a better relationship because they really, really need positive adult role models in their life. I know the technical stuff (texting, phone calls, discord, etc), but (and especially as a socially anxious/awkward person) how do I actually build a relationship with them? How do I talk to them? What do we talk about? And how do I avoid the irresistible urge to be another parent (ie, tell them what to do)?

TL;DR: I want to build a closer relationship with my young teen siblings, how do I do that as a socially awkward adult?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Delicious-Gate-8192 on 2024-01-15 10:13:28+00:00.

Long-distance relationship with partner turned toxic during 2021. Continuous breakup cycles, ultimatums, and emotional distress. He would break up with me and get back with me, block me over minor stuff and then unblock me. This lead me to a huge depression and a lot of trauma. I remember crying everyday, breaking down etc.. Tried to visit him but my Visa got rejected he claimed he didn't love me anymore and then got back w me after and then blocked me again and posted pics with another woman (going to the restaurant, cinema, basketball court) basically doing everything he wanted to do with me with her. After months of me detaching myself and moving on, he apologized, claimed him and the girl weren't in a relationship I texted her and she confirmed) and said he's willing to wait for me to graduate so I can join him after. so I gave him a second chance telling myself the distance is probably harder for him .

When I moved to his country to study, we got together everything was fine but I Discovered troubling videos of him at clubs getting twerked on, when we weren’t talking apparently, I had doubts because I remembered the hairstyle he had we were still talking. I was hurt regardless because while I was crying because we couldn’t see each other and be together he was touching random girls I was so disgusted. He got heavily influenced by his friends . But I don’t blame them specifically because he could’ve chosen not to go . Also saw him sending a innapropriate reel on insta to his friend about how hot girls in London are in clubs, his friend replied « we will definitely go there » knowing we are together. Despite doubts and confrontations, I decided to move on, leaving behind past issues . I decided to message the girl from the summer cause I had a bad feeling she told me they had s*x once and weren't a couple but would do couple stuff. She also told me he was trying to make her change her bad habits (smoking , partying etc) she said he ghosted he out of the blue . I confronted him about this because I'm a VCard so he knows that it's important for me, to have honesty about stuff like this especially cause he told me nothing like that happened to them. He claimed she was lying. I didn't believe him but She stopped answering my messages and he tried calling her to confront her about lying and apparently she didn't answer. Had to let this issue go because during a fight regarding this I overreacted got out of the appt running and my neighbor called the police and reported that I was getting abused (which isn't true) feeling bad that I got him in trouble over something from the past made me want to just let all of that go and focus on us.

He treats me so much better now honestly ht really changed and I see that he deeply loves me but I've been feeling weird lately I've been feeling suffocated, I've been questioning if I truly want to continue this but at the same time I think I love him it's such a confusing feeling. Maybe I'm wayy too resentful? Or even hypocrite? Cause when we had our issues I talked to guys and stuff but when I think that if he didn't act like that I wouldn't have went there I tell myself maybe it's not completely my fault my actions were a reaction.

I honestly don't know what should I do ?i thought I forgave and healed but why do I randomly have flashbacks of the pictures of him holding the girls hand or even imagining them having s* (even tho he told me it's not true and I believed it to move on)

TL:DR! - my relationship has been tumultuous, marked by continuous breakups, emotional distress, and questionable behavior from my partner. Despite past issues, he seems to have changed, but you feel suffocated and conflicted. Flashbacks of past events are causing confusion.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/local_guy_420 on 2024-01-15 10:08:39+00:00.

I've been dating my partner for coming on 2yrs. Pretty much my first real long-term girlfriend as my first was a travelling relationship. matched on tinder with my current gf and planned a hook up. Knew of her we grew up in same area Ended up being an ongoing thing. She was kind of down bad at the time. Out of a toxic abusive relationship using various drugs partying etc. at the time I had just moved in with room mates. We'd been hanging out about three months and she was over all the time. We'd have ppl over and all knew each other. Ended up dating. Didn't work out with the room mates. They partied to much for my liking and there were other problems but long story short we ended up moving into her mom's as my parents had just split up and it seemed early to get a place together. Now it's been 1.5 years. Our 2 year anniversary is coming up in Feb.

We've had problems over the 2yrs usually once and a while like every 6 months or so. Something would happen id go stay at a friends but we'd make up pretty quick. I thought it was kind of normal. But as the honey moon stage wore off it became a bit more frequent. Basically she drinks and takes medication for her bpd. (She has talked about depression and self harm before I don't think she'd do anything if I broke up with her) drinking affects her more intensely and she's like 100lbs. We get into an argument or something. It effects my career as it effects my sleep. My friends have encouraged me to break it off. I was almost convinced over the holidays the last time things got bad. We recovered and were good after new years but she regressed again and I haven't seen her in a few days. When we first got together I naively said I'll date you if you take your medication and stop drinking or stop taking your meds. She tried to stop her meds. And casually drink. It lasted for a while but she went back to them at some point at a lower dose. She has come a long way since we first started dating so I know she can get healthy if she really applies herself.

I think it's natural at this point in a relationship to get more challenging. I love her. It's been rocky but if I focus on the good times it's been worth it. I just don't know how to help her. She admits she has a drinking problem but is resistant to get help. I don't want to give an ultimatem or go to her mom. It feels like a dirty thing to do. But I feel like my hands are tied here. I've thought about moving out on my own and staying together and seeing what happens but I'm focusing on an athletic pursuit and working. The work is maybe enough to rent a room. But if it doesn't work out I'm probably sleeping in my car as I don't want to stay at my dad's place really. Our relationship is good now but living together isn't the best for us. My dad that is lol. Id move in with her if she got sober.

-i just wanted to write this out as an exercise but if anyone has a useful two cents give me a shout

TLDR- I love my partner but we have issues. Please help me

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Far-Pattern-3704 on 2024-01-15 10:05:04+00:00.

Hello, I've been wrestling with a significant dilemma in recent weeks.

I've been in a relationship with a woman for over three years, and we've made the decision to get married. Our parents have met, plans for the wedding are underway, and she has even paid the advance for the venue. The wedding is less than six months away.

Everything appeared to be going well until a few weeks ago when I met another woman. Since then, we've been spending time together regularly. I acknowledge that it's inappropriate to be involved with someone else while engaged, but it feels beyond my control. The new woman embodies the qualities I've always envisioned in a life partner. Superficially speaking, she comes from an affluent family, manages her own business, maintains excellent physical fitness, and is tall. In contrast, my fiancée hails from a middle-class background, works as an office employee, isn't as consistent with gym attendance (having gained a few kilos since we first met), and is of shorter stature (1m57). While I recognize the superficial nature of these comparisons, in my perspective, such considerations matter in marriage. Given my international private school education, my parents' property holdings, and my high-paying job in a large company, these factors seem significant.

I still love my fiancée and enjoy our time together. These superficial differences were not a major concern until I met the new woman. I had convinced myself that we could build wealth together, go to the gym daily, etc. However, now I find myself questioning why I should start from a lower point when I could potentially begin with someone on a similar level and progress together. Additionally, I no longer experience the same excitement with my fiancée; it feels like the same routine and discussions.

For weeks, I've been unable to shake these thoughts, and I need to make a decision soon. However, it's challenging, as I've grown deeply attached to my current fiancée and can't fathom causing her emotional pain. Yet, I worry that if I marry her, I might regret it later in life.

Every therapist suggests I talk to her or consider breaking up, emphasizing that her feelings are not entirely my responsibility. Despite this advice, I remain uncertain about my own feelings and am reluctant to hurt her.

**TL;DR; :

Contemplating breaking off a three-year engagement six months before the wedding due to doubts and attraction to someone else, but torn between attachment and fear of potential regret.**.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Acceptable_Place152 on 2024-01-15 10:02:21+00:00.

Together 12 years and have a 6 year old; he worked ft just fine the first 4 years; but once we moved out of state for my job the problems started with getting him to work.

I tried to be patient but it got harder, especially after having a baby 2 years after the move. He went through about 7 jobs in 3 years. He would get a job to shut me up, then quit or get fired within a few weeks.

We moved back home in 2020 after 5 years out of state. I bought us a house using my VA loan with the agreement that he would get a ft job and be the breadwinner. I was supposed to become a SAHM to our 3 year old.

Didn't happen. I ended up having to continue to telework my old job until I literally couldn’t anymore due to crippling depression. As in I was physically dying from depression due to my relationship issues (constant fighting, his refusal to work, paying all the bills myself, etc.). As in my medical records specifically state that my depression was directly due to my relationship.

Even then he wouldn’t get a job.

I was already receiving VA disability due to PTSD and other issues while in the military before we met. I ended up being approved for SSDI about 2 years ago (about 18 months after moving here). Due to preexisting mental health issues that were exacerbated by my living situation/relationship. But also due to some physical issues that I am in physical therapy for twice a week. I will have a continuing medical review next year to see if my benefits are renewed.

He has been making his money in a shady manner. He doesn’t make what he would if he were working, but sees no reason to change anything. He lays in bed almost every day until about 2pm. Minimal help with housework, childcare, cooking, etc. He’s been stepping up more lately. I think he can sense I’m getting fed up.

I told him yesterday that I want to start splitting the bills 50/50. He asked if that was a joke. I said no. He got angry and started going on about all the “money you get every month.” And how I “get” way more than him.

I told him I do not GET money, i EARNED that money, and he said so did HE. I asked HOW he thinks he earned MY disability checks, and he said first, they’re for the purpose of supporting my family, which he is part of. And second, I receive an SSDI check for our daughter every month, and he “never sees a penny of it.”

I am at the point where I feel like if he had gotten off his behind and worked the past few years he would have no reason to complain about paying half the bills. I am on disability. Even with the check I receive for our daughter, I don’t make THAT much. If he would actually WORK, he would have a comparable income to me.

I get the whole “proportional to income” concept and generally believe in it; but I feel like it’s only appropriate when both parties are putting in full effort to work hard and support their families as best they can.

tl;dr: if one partner won’t work full time, should bills still be split proportional to income?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway48928 on 2024-01-15 09:56:20+00:00.

My parents pushed me to become a doctor. Unfortunately, I didn’t meet their expectation and failed to get into into medical school. I became depressed and suic***. I then worked for a year before pursuing nursing. Now, with two degrees worth of loans, I'm thinking about all that student loan I will have to pay back. Currently, I am only able to work as a healthcare aide. Making $16 an hour.

My mom has two jobs as a healthcare aide and janitor, my dad has never in his life worked a full-time job, and my brother, in his 30s, has taken 8 years to finish school (still in school for one degree), and also has never had a job in his life.

My mom's emotional struggles also become my burden. She uses me like her emotional punching bag. Discussing my dad's cheating issues, and the thousands worth of debt she has. She frequently borrows money from me for bills and groceries, leading to my credit card debt and loans. She says she’ll pay back with the house, but i know the house will be going to my brother, because to my mom apparently I’ll be “rich”. Bullshit.

When I become an RN next year, I'm expected to support the family, covering not only my bills but also likely my brother's student loans. Why? Because I’m a “woman”. I don’t have any friends because all I’ve been doing is studying and working. My mother has also always been a helicopter parent preventing any social interaction. She never allowed me to be independent. I struggle to do adult things I know I’m supposed to know and do myself. I don’t have a car, I can’t afford one.

My parents have made me question having kids of my own. They say, “you have to have kids, because who will take care of you when you get old”. They only had me so they can use me. I absolutely despise my parents. I want to be free, but I’m in so much deep shit. It is unlikely I will even afford to leave.

I’m 26 and I never ever want to have kids. I don’t want someone to become a fuck up like me.

TLDR; helicopter parents financially screwed me over and I want to know how I can finally become independent.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Adept-Ad537 on 2024-01-15 09:39:37+00:00.

We both met after college and have been seeing each other for 8 months now. We've gotten really close to one another as we're WFH so spend a lot of time together at home.

A couple months back we were talking about our finances and he mentioned he makes around 80k and a lot of his paychecks goes for his student loans. I also make around the same and have student loans too, and I also send some money to my family. So we both live really frugally and go 50-50 in almost everything.

However I was looking at his tax returns for last year and his income in that was a bit north of 300k. I was really shook so went over his emails and turns out he also didn't have student loans. In retrospect he worked for a really good company so I should have known. But, I feel really hurt that he didn't trust me with this and how we could have gone to nicer restaurants or had nicer vacations knowing we had this cushion.

I'm not sure how to bring this up with him.

Tldr: My bf makes a lot more than he said he does and he lied to about it.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ashamed_Road_9866 on 2024-01-15 09:32:56+00:00.

I have been dating my bf for almost 4 years now and think the relationship needs to help. Here’s the problem tho, I heavily rely on him financially. I have a job but I don’t make that much at it and have struggled to save money. My bf pays most of the bills while I pay our electric and gas and internet bill. He makes triple what I make and can afford to live on his own but I can’t. Our relationship tho doesn’t really seem to be a relationship and more like we are roommates. He has started to become mean to me with words (he’s never once put his hands on me and doesn’t care for guys who do his girls). I am slowly starting to think it’s best the relationship ends but I am not able to afford it. I have a dog who is am ESA and would go with me but financially I can’t afford to move yet. I am still trying to get my car fixed after just getting it after being in a wreck. I really love him but the feelings aren’t as strong from him. Hell we don’t even sleep in the same bed, which has brought benefits to us both and getting better sleep, but he doesn’t even try to spend time with me. If we go out then he’s protective of me but once we get home it’s like I don’t matter as much. He has a lot of trust issues with me, I’ve never cheated and he has. Idk what to do.

TL;DR: I need advice on how to move forward with leaving bf when I rely on him heavily financially

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwRA_Living_Sort on 2024-01-15 09:10:25+00:00.

TLDR in Title. Sorry in advance for the stream of consciousness, I'm a little bit insane right now. Every emotion all at once I guess.

Background:

My partner ( JB ) and I have been together for 9 years. We had what I thought was an incredibly healthy relationship built on love, mutual respect, communication, etc. We went through the awkwardness of our early 20's together, she was with me through my military service, bought a house together (solely in my name, bought with a VA loan), and we were planning on settling down, marrying, and having kids next year when I graduate professional school. In a very real sense, neither of us knows a life without the other. I'm not exaggerating when I say most of my mental free time has been thinking about my upcoming marriage/kids with this woman.

My friend (AS) and I have been inseparable best friends since kindergarten. A while back, he fell on a rough patch with unemployment and his long-term girlfriend dumping him; and I let him stay in a spare bedroom we had to help him get back on his feet. I loved him like a brother.

So while I attended professional school in a different state, JB and AS lived in my house together (I say my, but this morning I would've said our). I trusted both of them wholeheartedly, and it never even crossed my mind to be bothered by the arrangement. I fly home for most major breaks, including the entirety of summer, and am gone for 2-3 months at most for school. I've planned my career, including summer jobs, around staying in this city and making sure I'm in a position to commute and start a family with the woman I love.

The Incident

A couple hours ago I received a message request from a stranger on Facebook. They claimed to have a mutual friend with JB, and informed me that they learned JB has been cheating on me with AS. I felt queasy and started shaking. When I found a private location, I immediately called JB and in a non-accusatory way, basically said "Check out this weird message I got, what's going on?" JB broke down and told me everything; they had sex twice (allegedly) about a year ago, and I got a slew of excuses -- I was drunk, I felt lonely, I was emotional because my dad had just died (I flew home and was with her for multiple weeks when this happened). I'm not the rose-colored glasses type (does anyone think they are?), but I believe her when she says she hasn't cheated on me outside of this.

I was and am absolutely shocked/confused/embarrassed/devastated/outraged/everything. I feel like a fucking idiot. I'm sure the Germans have a word for this feeling, I just don't know it. I told AS to leave my house immediately and when he started dilly-dallying I told him I was rescinding permission for him to be on my property, trespassing him, and wouldn't hesitate to call the sheriff (and I would've, too).

I have a good group of friends who've all offered me support, and even offered to help prepare my house for sale or rental (while simultaneously berating AS in shared group chats, which was extremely cathartic). This will be the plan if/when I break up with JB; and it hurts so much because this has been our home for a long time.

It's all so messed up, what do I do? I'm usually a calm and collected guy, and I'm losing it. I feel like I lost my home, my two best friends, and my life partner and mother of my children tonight. Even worse, if I couldn't trust these two people, I don't know how I'll move forward and trust anybody else in the future.

The Questions

I'm 100% cutting AS out; he can collect his things out front but if he comes inside I'm going to blow a gasket. No regrets here.

I feel like I should cut all ties with JB, but there's a profound sense of grief surrounding this option, like I'm mourning the loss of our shared future. How do I move forward from that?

On the flipside, can I retain any self-respect if I don't cut things off. Like, am I even a man? Do people really ever get past something like this?

On the outside looking into situations like this, I've always been team "grow a spine and ditch 'em," but it feels so much more complex now that it's me. What am I missing?

Happy for any other thoughts. God this sucks.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/BuffaloOk9771 on 2024-01-15 09:08:43+00:00.

I (20F) and my boyfriend (20M) have been dating for about 2.5 years now. It started off great but we were so young. We would talk about marriage and the future all the time very early on in our relationship. I just feel like we were kids when we got together but we really did have similar wants and ideas of the future. He decided to follow me to college even though I told him to do what he wanted to and not to make his decision based on me. I love him so much and he’s my best friend but I just haven’t been as romantically attracted to him for a while. I’m not really sure when it started but we’ve had some really rocky times.

We have always loved and supported each other and I don’t want to lose him because I’ve never had someone love and care about me the way he does besides my family. He has been pretty bad in the past but never abusive or anything more just taking advantage of me and not making me feel special. But it goes both ways. I do the same to him. I feel like we’re always having to fix things and try to make our relationship work. It’s just so hard because I love and care about him but I just don’t know where this is going and don’t want to waste his time.

We actually broke up a few months ago bc I decided it was time, but we got back together because we have the same group of friends and I just really missed his company and how much he supports me. Recently I’ve been dealing with some pretty severe anxiety and depression. I can’t decide if it’s just my mental illness talking or if it’s time to leave this relationship. We also haven’t been intimate in a few months. I have had some trauma in that department that has come up in recent months and has made it really hard for me and I have panic attacks. I know this is hard on him. He wants to stay and help me get better I just don’t know what to do and I don’t know if he’s holding me back. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

TL;DR Me and my boyfriend of 2.5 years are having a hard time staying on the same page. I love him but I don’t know if it’s time to move on. I also don’t know if my mental health is what’s making me want to leave.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Lucky_Reflection_841 on 2024-01-15 08:39:12+00:00.

Never asked for advice of this sort so bear with me for context!!

Me (23F) and my partner (24nonbinary) have known eachother for about 8 years, up until last february only as platonic friends, fastforard to now and we've been in a monog. relationship for about 6 months.

It's a bit messy, but up until last May we were both in in longterm relationships (albeit mine was open for the last year of it, theirs was not) that were both falling apart for a myriad of reasons, but we developed feelings for eachother around February ‘23. We both expressed this to our partners at the time. Never once did we become physically intimate while we were both in other relationships, although emotionally their partner (23F) felt betrayed, understandably so. This emotional entanglement that we had was the final straw for their ex, who largely blames us for the ending of their relationship. They have seen eachother a few times since they broke up to exchange clothes etc, and everytime their ex brings me up and ends up rehashing it all.

So, after both mine and their breakup, throughout summer we were intimate but not calling it a relationship, we both felt that we needed time to be alone. Neither of us were very good at that, and we spent a significant amount of our time throughout summer together, we even helped eachother emotionally process our breakups, which was tricky and now I often feel like I know too much, or can't get the things they said about their partner out of my head. My breakup was painful, but in a way that a 3 year relationship ending would be, I didn't regret it ending and my ex gf and I both recognized it was the right thing to do. My partner on the other hand, had a lot of guilt because their ex would tell them they were an awful person for developing feelings for me / even to the point that their ex would hit them in arguments) so needless to say, overcoming guilt and shame have been one of our biggest roadblocks in our relationship. They became really depressed after this breakup bc they lost their friend group, it was very destabilizing to their self-esteem, and this would end up manifesting in them making comments that made me feel insufficient or insecure, "I feel like I fucked everything up, everyone thinks I'm an awful person" and then, occasionally would talk about how intangible the bond they had with their ex was, how it was so instinctive, how special they were. In all honesty I'm sure I said similar things about my ex when we were fresh out of our relationships, but they would say things of a similar nature much long after I did. Neither of us broke up with our exes *for* eachother, although we did end up in a relationship, and for a while they denied that they wanted to be with me, despite spending everyday together and operating as a couple. About 6 months ago we finally came together and recognized that we've effectively been in a relationship this whole time (since may) regardless of what we call it, and we need to tend and care for it as such, be kind to eachother. My ex is dating my partners best friend, and so needless to say, we all see eachother quite a lot and get a long, whereas my partners ex we do not see her and she has active animosity towards me and towards them, though lesser towards them.

My previous relationship I was never insecure, but given the way this relationship came about, I've noticed myself having a lot of intrusive thoughts. I only recently started to bring them up, because often I feel their my personal baggage to work through and I don't want to feed my irrationality? My partner has also at times brought up insecurity they feel about my ex and me, our communication is respectful and good.

However, this is all to lead me to my current dilemma. I am at home visiting family, and they are back in the city we both live in. We've been going to a lot of protests together, but because I'm out of town they asked on instagram if anyone wanted to go with them. Today they told me their ex replied and said that maybe she would want to, I was really appreciative my partner told me this, and I also was comfortable enough to express that I was feeling anxious about it, that I worry it will bring up old feelings, but that I know that it's in my head and I don't want them to do anything different because of how I feel. They understood and heard me out on this, and we talked about it for a little while. They said they were surprised and not sure why their ex wanted to go, because they don't feel like either of them are ready for a friendship, and they also said that while seeing their ex used to bring up questions of whether or not they (being my partner) was "on the wrong path" they do not at all feel like they're in that space anymore, but they said it is still weird and nervewracking to see their ex, in large because their ex always wants to talk about me and my partner said they had a lot of patience for that earlier on, but at this point they don't want to hear it from their ex anymore.

They will also most likely be going with another friend, but I can't help how it makes me anxious. In the past, when they see their ex their ex wants to process their breakup / my partner and I's current relationship, and this makes them panic which often leads to me and them later having stressful conversations about feeling/ guilt/shame etc. I'm worried I guess that this will happen tomorrow, but more generally, worried that this reconnecting friendship will continue to rekindle a sense of shame or guilt that my partner has been trying so hard to shake, which would negatively impact our relationship. I don't think that my partner would ever like, kiss or cheat on me with their ex physically, I really trust them on that front. I do however worry that it will bring up old feelings. When I really spiral in anxiety I start to worry that they will see their ex, that will rekindle all these feelings, and they will realize that they don't want to be with me etc etc.. I know this is a panic response, but I also don't want to dismiss the underlying root of this insecurity, feeling like the "other woman" etc.

I truly do want them to be friends, but I also want to be able to advocate for my emotional needs, and for healthy boundaries in our relationship. How do I navigate insecurity? Please be honest if you think I'm overblowing this! I would never ask my partner not to be friends with someone, but what should I do if seeing this ex has consistently resulted in bringing up the past which leads to a feeling of unsteadiness and guilt about my partner and I's relationship? **Should seeing their ex impact our relationship at all?** I see my ex all the time but I never feel doubtful about my current partner. I grieve my previous relationship but I never ever have feelings that come up that make me unsure of my partner and relationship now, and I worry that they do. I have a habit of people pleasing and I am trying to be better with confrontation, I.e not letting things fester or saying I feel okay with something if I don't. Any and all advice is appreciated. Sorry this is so long!

TLDR: My partner is going to an event with their ex, who blames my partner and i's relationship for their breakup, and often wants to process this with my partner / it brings up emotions for my partner. How do I navigate trust and insecurity while also maintaining good boundaries for myself and my needs?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/FlyvandeJacobs on 2024-01-15 08:27:39+00:00.

So me(17f) and my bf(17m) have been together for about 1.5 years. We were talking yesterday about the future and such, and at one point I said I wanted to be with him forever. He replied saying that although he wanted to be with me as well, he didn’t want to say forever. He said that he wasnt sure that he could imagine himself still being with me in 10 years. He told me that staying together would be really complicated with different universities and jobs and such. He also said that when one of us finishes high school, it will be hard to be together as normal. I obviously understand what he means, but it just hurt me so much.

He is a year above me, and will leave for college already this fall, while I will stay here. I have a feeling that we are not going to make it as a LDR after what our conversation. I am so in love with him, i’m not sure if i can handle staying together just waiting for the deadline. It hurts so much because ive imagined us being together till we are old.

TL;DR; : Bf said he is not sure he can imagine us being together in 10 years and is not sure our relationship can survive college. I hurt.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA262738 on 2024-01-15 08:25:32+00:00.

My girlfriend (21F) and I (21M) of a year and a half got talking about one of her most favourite movies of all time. I suggested we watch together, but she declined saying it was too sad to watch again. I asked her what it was about and it was a story about a sport that her ex competed in, so I imagined that she watched this movie with her ex of a year (she later confirmed this). No big deal, but I continued saying that the plot interested me and I would be interested in watching with her. She again insisted that she did not want to, and I had this odd feeling about the whole thing, coupled with the fact that she has never refused to watch a movie with me, so I asked her if she was not telling me anything. She said no, but I had a gut feeling, so asked her about lying to me about it (non confrontational about it, but I recognize here that I may have been pushy). She hesitated hard when I asked her this, which is completely uncharacteristic of her, pretty much meaning that she was hiding something from me, but did not end up telling me. I don’t think it was anything traumatic or anything cause she kept smiling when I was asking her if she was lying, and her repetitive response was “I don’t remember”.

Anyways the issue with this (to me) was that she had done the same thing a week prior. My love language is very much physical touch and intimacy, and it felt as if that aspect of our relationship was dwindling in the past month or two. I had a conversation with her about this, and essentially I feel as if she isn’t completely attracted to me, and either I am not her type, or don’t perform well enough in bed (acting hot, dirty talk, picking her up and shit). She tells me this is not the case, but she has asked me in the past in a nice way to try some more of that. Anyways, I realize this is probably not a great or healthy question. But I asked her if she was more satisfied intimately/was intimate more frequently in her past relationship as opposed to now. Again I get that this might be a weird question, but to me I feel as if the answer “yes” has some strong implications about our relationship. She only answered with “I don’t remember” and “even if I remembered that’s a weird question”.

So pretty much, having two recent incidents where my gf was acting weird and giving me his uneasy feeling that she wasn’t telling the truth happened, and they were both in relation to her ex, and both had the same response, I asked her about both these incidents, and that I am finding it hard believing her. She responded to the intimacy thing stating that I was a weird question again, but I don’t think she considers how the answer would affect me. I also haven’t had a previous relationship so she can’t relate in that aspect either. I asked her how she would feel and act in the reverse direction and she said “I would start by stopping asking questions”. Afterwards she said that “there were a lot of things at play”, implying that her past relationship was more intimate, more frequently. She later admitted to knowing the answer to this question, but didn’t want to tell me. So she admitted to lying finally, but I’m conflicted about whether I should be worried about her implying the “yes” answer, given that I have expressed many times that intimacy is important to me. For reference me and my partner are intimate maybe once every 1.5 week on average? I would feel the most comfortable if she just told me the truth and we moved forward instead of leaving it up to my imagination but she has no intention of this stating that her past is hers and she doesn’t have to share things with me.

I feel I am insecure about this ex, he is not more attractive than me, just a lot taller than me (which seemed to be her type before me). So I genuinely feel as if I’m not her type, and that she isn’t like insanely attracted to me. Also she had feelings for this ex, and continued to seeing him until I came into the picture despite them being broken up. So no cheating, but the time between their ending things off and me and her becoming bf gf was like 2 months, and she didn’t tell me about this until later.

I feel like im overthinking all this, but I can’t shake the way it makes me feel, idk yall any advice is appreciated. I also want to end this off with me and my gf get along really well emotionally, and we both love each other a whole lot.

TL;DR : my gf acting weird in regards to answering questions about her previous relationship, wanting to know how to move forward from this.

Any advice is appreciated, thank you.