Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/pomegranateseed13 on 2024-01-14 00:44:01+00:00.

First off, I acknowledge that I (27F) am too old for this kind of petty insecurity. In my post-college life, I have built a healthy friend circle where I don’t have to wonder if I’m “in” or “out.” I’m just here to wonder if:

1. I’m oversensitive
2. I should bring it up
3. If I should continue putting energy into these friendships

The story - three or four college friends came from out of town to visit a fourth friend for the weekend. It’s a four or five hour drive, one way. I live near a large metropolitan city and they came for a hockey game. I haven’t seen any of them since 2020, when the pandemic hit and we graduated. I found out they were here when they all posted the game on their stories.

The background, part one - I often felt like an outsider to this friend group. They said I was a core part of it, but I often felt like an afterthought and secondary to another girl (A) in particular. I’ve mentioned this and been told that’s not the case. The most recent iteration of this conversation occurred last week, with the only person with whom I keep a snap streak. For my part, I acknowledge that I got more involved with some other friends, so I didn’t hang out with this group as often as they hung out with each other. But we’d been friends all four years.

Background, part two - shortly after graduation, the other girl A and her long term bf broke up. Most of the group sided with her and I sided with him. (The bf and I had been friends before they started dating and we’re still close now. It’s purely platonic and always has been.) This event ended my snap streaks with most of them and got me kicked out of the group chat.

So present day, I feel like not telling me a bunch of them were coming to town contradicts the idea that I’m a core member of the group. It feels especially tone deaf given the conversation last week. I don’t expect them to change their plans to include me if they’re too busy to hang out. As it happens, I couldn’t hang out today. But it’s about being included and given the opportunity to join. Am I being oversensitive for being bothered by this?

TLDR - my college friends came from 4 hours away to my city for the weekend and didn’t tell me, wondering if it’s unreasonable for me to feel hurt and excluded

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRAmhoneybear on 2024-01-13 23:46:23+00:00.

My husband has had a new job for the past 5 months+ and keeps mentioning this woman Emma (40ish). I am currently travelling for a project at work in a foreign country and am unable to return back home till I finish, but he comes and visits me once a month. It's a 3 month project, and am already 2 months in.

Me and my husband got into an argument because of her twice. One time because we travelled all the way to the city where we had our honeymoon and he mentioned her in various occasions and second time because he started becoming very defensive of her when I started making fun of something he told me she does. Note that we used to make fun of that together before, all the time, before she was in the picture. The second time he got very upset and told me he can't believe I am implying he would ever do something imoral like cheating and that I distrust him so I ended up apologising as he seemed very disappointed.

2 months from our fight, me having left and temporarily moved to a foreign country to work on my project, I find out all throughout Christmas and New Year's they went on regular walks together, just the two of them. He has never mentioned that to me on our calls. He also bought her a present during that time apparently which I don't know what that was. I found out all this because I saw a message from her appearing on the screen so of course I was curious to understand why is she messaging him knowing full well he is on vacation. She is definitely flirting with him. She called him a "rarity" of a man and during the holidays she said she can't bear that he will be alone for the holidays. She also said she is fond of him - he didn't reciprocate to that, but thanked her for the nice time on their walk and then invited her on more occasions to do the same. In a different conversation, she said she feels fat and he told her she isn't. I am quite upset and am not sure if I am overreacting and should say something or wait till I get home to actually meet this Emma in person and see what does she want from my husband. She is single by the way, divorced and she keeps telling my husband how she needs a man. Many a times she played damsel in distress and he offered his support e.g helping her move stuff out of her mom's house, helping her fix her car etc. Is it me?

Tl;dr I found out my husband is hiding from me his walks with his colleague and am not sure if I am overreacting.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Dependent_Jello_8460 on 2024-01-13 18:48:31+00:00.

I awoke this morning to my mom wailing in the dining room. My grandma had died overseas in Vietnam. Even though she was in the other room, I can hear her being in distress, crying about why she left her and that she was too tired and weak to continue working or existing I think. Whilst getting out of bed and putting on clothes, I heard a ceramic plate got thrown onto the floor and pieces scattered. When I walked into the room, droplets of her blood laid scattered out on the floor.

I stood there, not sure what to do. If I tried to comfort her she would probably lash out and throw me off her. She cleaned up the broken plates on the ground and I only managed to clean the blood off the floor.

I knew this day would come eventually, and I think buying a planet ticket would be a financial burden to our family. She had work that morning and in that same morning lost her keys to the car. She began to cry about being exhausted to go on, berating me about being a bad son and saying I hid/stole the keys from her. Eventually after some time and me and her cleaning up the mess, she had to take my car and put her stuff in there to go to work. Her stuff in her car was still stuck because she lost the key.

As of this moment, I knew hugging her would be a bad choice, she'd obviously throw me off her, because I regrettably don't think I have a very close relationship with my mom. Whilst growing up in the States, I listened to my parents speak Vietnamese and English at school. Unfortunately, I only picked up English fluently, even though other kids had picked up both. I know few bits and learned to hold a basic conversation, but due to that I can never have a fluent conversation with my mom about anything.

In previous conversations, she would compare me to my older brother. He was a hard worker and I wasn't. I played videogames and go to college, but I didn't exactly fit the mold of an ideal son who'd take care of her mom. I mean what have I done for her my whole life? There isn't a clear choice in my mind, and not doing anything is a bad choice too. Should I buy her Buddhist gifts? I want to retire my mom so she doesn't have to work anymore, but I'm not sure what cards to play. I'm confused and lost. What do I do?

TL;DR: My grandma has died overseas. My mom is in distress and I don't think I can comfort her. She doesn't like me and I don't know what to say to her.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Geometric-Fox on 2024-01-13 18:33:20+00:00.

I, (20F) and my boyfriend (20M) have been in a long distance relationship at our individual colleges for about 6 months now. We started off as friends for about 6 years starting in highschool, he liked me for 2 years before I liked him back. Our relationship started off well for the most part, he put in effort and made me feel really good about it and was very sweet in everything. Sexually, I am waiting for marriage to actually have PIV sex because of a fear of an accidental pregnancy, but we do other activities that don’t involve that.

At the beginning, he did move fast sexually and I asked him to slow down a few times (this is my first time doing ANYTHING so I would feel gross about myself after) but I wanted to experience stuff and so I went along with it and eventually got used to it (not his fault here). However, the sexual stuff started to escalate and become way more frequent at about the 3rd month. It was fine at first until he started sexualizing EVERYTHING. We can’t even have a conversation without him turning it into that or making some joke or flirting with me in front of friends in a sexual way.

I keep asking to have PG dates because I’m concerned that the relationship will progress without an emotional connection if literally everything is constantly sexual. He agrees before the date to make it PG but still doesn’t listen and tries stuff, and then I feel bad and go along with it, but this is an issue too because then if I mention it after he goes “oh well you broke it too”, even though I mainly just go along with it because I’m scared he’ll be sad if I don’t. I wanted to show him a movie I really really love the other day, and within 3 minutes he was on me again and it’s giving the vibe he doesn’t really care. He also tries to feel me up when we’re with our friend group when they aren’t looking even though I’ve told him several times not to do that.

I’m a more romantic person in general, so this level of sexual stuff would be fine if he just balanced it out emotionally, but he treats dates like a chore (“it’s your turn to plan a date”) and it just kind of feels like he doesn’t feel like he has to make an effort anymore.

He was really good before we started dating and was really fun when he started asking me out and planning stuff but it feels like all that is gone. :( I’m always the one calling first and messaging first and I’m not asking him to spend every second with me or spend all his money on me, but calling more than once a week, replying to my messages in the time span of 8 hrs, making an effort to talk to my parents, and maybe buying my meal every once in awhile would be nice.

I know it’s stupid to feel bad about but I send him those “which is your girlfriend” instagram reels and he always picks the “lulu lemon, beach, sushi, preppy” type ones while I’m more alt, artsy, hate the beach, and play video games. It feels like he doesn’t know me at all and is only focused on an ideal of me to behave sexually with.

This is my first relationship so maybe I’m expecting too much but I feel really sad about it and don’t know what to do. I want to talk to him about it, but I don’t know how to phrase it. Any suggestions for how to bring this up to him without it sounding too accusatory or rude? I really do love him, it’s just that I feel kind of taken for granted at this point. Thank you.

TL;DR Boyfriend is way too sexual all the time even in front of friends and I feel like he doesn’t make an effort to emotionally connect and know me. Question: How do I bring this up to him without being accusatory?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/RevolutionaryNoise3 on 2024-01-13 17:59:36+00:00.

LINK TO THE ORIGINAL POST

I apologize for not updating sooner, I’ve been busy getting things sorted out. After my first post on a Tuesday, I had asked my husband if he’d go on a little weekend getaway with me. We went to a cabin up in the mountains, neither of us had cell phone service. I planned for that, as I wanted to make sure I had his full attention. The first night went fantastic, and I almost forgot everything about my concerns with my sister.

When we woke up the next morning, we cooked breakfast together but he was rather quiet. I asked if he’d go on a little walk with me, which he agreed to. When we reached the lake, there were some large rocks that you could sit on. We both sat on the same rock, and we sat there in silence for what felt like forever. I finally got the courage to bring up the concerns I had with my sister and him, and his face went white.

He admitted to falling in love with my sister, he said that it all started because of how much they have in common. They spend more time together at work, than he does with me at home. He said he feels like he can talk to her about anything, and it never gets tiring. He said he’s never felt more alive than he does when he’s with her, and they started having a physical affair in October. The emotional affair began in June (after working with her for a couple of months since the end of April). He apologized for hurting me, and deceiving/betraying me.

I asked him what he wanted to do about it, and he said that as much as he knows it will hurt me to say - he no longer is in love with me. The most painful thing I’ve ever heard in my life is when he said that the way he feels for her, made him realize that he’s never once felt that way for me even at the time when he loved me the most. He said it’s not comparable by any measure, and he doesn’t feel right staying married to me.

We are splitting in agreement that the marriage is over, but yes I am heart broken. They have both applied to transfer jobs to a different city with the same company, and he offered to let me keep the house. I told him that I didn’t want the house, because it reminds me of him/us. We have split the finances, and he is giving me more money than he is taking. We are getting ready to list it for sale, and I have been packing and doing odds and ends like painting. He said I could keep the full amount of the house sale. New carpet/flooring comes tomorrow, and the movers come this afternoon. I found a small house for myself to start fresh, but I know it will take some time for me to not be so heart broken.

My sister on the other hand is not handling it as kindly as he is, and she is gloating. She even “accidentally” sent me a photo of both of them where you can tell she is in heaven because she won him away from me. She changed her profile photo to a picture of her taking a selfie of herself smiling very smug, as he is kissing her forehead. I unfollowed her on TikTok because now she’s posting videos and photos of them together, some of them are from months ago and it kicked me in the heart. I asked him if he could please ask her to stop, he said he’d talk to her about it but nothing has changed. I have removed myself from social media for now, except for reddit.

My mother is favoring my sister's side, saying that she’s not posting those things to “hurt me”, and my sister deserves to be happy. My mom said it’s my fault for looking, and I need to stop being so petty. My father is taking the white flag, and said he’d like to stay out of it. He said it’s not right what my sister did, but she’s still his daughter. He said he won’t accept their relationship, and he is here for me for whatever I need - but he won’t be in the middle of this. I respect his decision on that, I’m sure it’s not an easy place to be in.

Thank you all for the kind words, and all of the advice that was given. I probably didn’t add everything, but my brain is kind of foggy at the moment.

TL;DR: My husband admitted to being in love with my sister, and having an affair. He asked for a divorce, and they are pursuing their relationship officially.

Edit: For those thinking that this unrealistic because it was magically resolved in 18 days, it is far from resolved. They are moving to a different office because he said he feels guilty, and doesn't want to be near me. They have not transferred yet, because they can't for a while due to lack of openings. I worded it wrong, which is my fault. I wanted to update as much as possible as to try to put closure to this for those asking for an update. Also, I am NC with all of them except my STBX at the moment and will be for a long time, if not forever. I will be NC with him after the divorce.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Visible-Can-4619 on 2024-01-13 16:02:23+00:00.

We've been friends for three years. Five of us, me, my friend in question, and three other males friends of ours, were hanging out last night when one of those other three suggested we all go skinny dipping in his family's pool while the rest of them were away. I didn't really love the idea, but I didn't want to be left out, so I went ahead and got naked and jumped in the pool. None of the guys did anything at that point to make me uncomfortable, and I ended up even showing off some of my skills on the diving board.

Later on, my friend offered to walk me home. As we were walking home, he said "I lost a bit of respect for you tonight. I didn't think you were that kind of girl. I mean, there were four guys there."

I told him "I don't understand."

He said "I just thought you were marriage material or something, but now I'm reconsidering."

I said "It's okay. I don't want to marry you either, bro."

He said "I just can't believe you got naked in front of four guys and then went up on the diving board like that."

I said "So you lost respect for everyone or just me?"

He said "You because men don't marry women like that."

I changed the subject of conversation but after I got inside I blocked his number. I am feeling very uncomfortable about how he has spoken to me. I'm going to see him at school on Monday. I feel so angry that my friend told me he lost respect for me. What do I do next time I see him? I don't feel like hanging out with him again at this point.

TL;DR! - I'm angry that he judged me and me alone.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok_Assignment_5759 on 2024-01-13 10:59:07+00:00.

Before I met him, in 2019, he got a DUI which must have either been huge or the 2nd in 5 years because he was ordered to get a breathalyzer fitted in his vehicle (NZ law). He just never went and got it, so was driving illegally this whole time. Early on in the relationship when I noticed he didn't have a licence card I asked and he said he lost it and just never saw the need to get a replacement. Fast fwd, he gets a great career opportunity that requires a class 4 truck license. He stalls for months on this, and even let me spend my time calling around license providers (out of frustration and trying to help, I thought he just needed a push) to try to get the ball rolling, and all the while he knew it was off the table because he was disqualified this whole time. Every time he drove he was rolling the dice. I feel very betrayed, and am wondering how other people would feel about/deal with this?

TL;DR My boyfriend has been driving disqualified for about 3 years because of a DUI and lied the whole time, including letting me help him 'try' to get a truck license

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/WhereasLopsided4793 on 2024-01-13 21:19:25+00:00.

TL;Dr: Is it appropriate to tell my wife I'm leaving during a therapy session? Might it help contain the conversation and keep it productive?

I'm not gonna go into all the background here (although I posted it to r/divorce which you can find through my account if interested).

Although I've been trying to tell her how I feel for a year, I still suspect she'll be extremely shocked, angry, upset etc. and it's hard to predict how she'll react.

I'm aware that in this conversation it's ideal for me to be firm, matter of fact and avoid blame or justifying myself. It's going to be a challenge for me to remain focused and "on mission" when I'm pretty sure she'll be using every emotional manipulation she knows of to make me engage with her blame game and guilt me into staying and apologising.

My plan is to leave right after that conversation to stay nearby (I'm trying to sort out a lease), because trying to stay in the same house after this conversation will be intolerable. And the only real thing to be decided in the conversation itself is whether it's best for the kids to come with me there and then to give her the space to grieve, break down, or whatever she needs to do without childcare responsibilities, or for them to stay with her.

(Either way, I want us to have 50/50 custody and I won't accept anything else, so it'll only be a few days until the kids go to the other parent anyway)

I'm wondering if it's a little easier to manage the conversation and keep it focused on productive points in one of our regular couples therapy sessions? And if that's something the therapist will know how to deal with? Or if it's best for it to be a personal conversation between the two of us?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated 🙏

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/rafflekicks on 2024-01-13 20:31:23+00:00.

As the title says, l've been dating this girl for about 3 months now and she has never let me into her apartment.

I've let her into mine on multiple occasions and have had no issues with it, she's even slept over a couple of times.

When I asked her why I can't go into her apartment, she claims she's just not comfortable with it, and that she's never had any one in there. Also she lives with her sister, but they both have their own rooms. Here's where it gets bad, I told her I wouldn't allow her into my apartment unless she eventually lets me into hers.

This has affected a lot of things, now we do everything in the car, specially sexual things. I don't want it to be that way but what am I supposed to do?

Also, she is a believer in witchcraft and definitely has stuff in that apartment involving it. Her sister as well as she's told me her sister "has an altar in her room".

Im just confused to be honest, I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid I'll have to end this relationship due to this honestly, and it sucks. All advice and help appreciated !!!

Tldr: girlfriend won’t let me into her apartment I find it very sus, just need advice

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/NoAnalysis5746 on 2024-01-13 19:23:37+00:00.

**TL;DR;My boyfriend established a boundary before we were a couple which is to not talk to other guys/girls and then he talked to another girl the whole time. I found out and I still feel resentment although I want to forgive**

My boyfriend and I got to know each other in December 2022 and started texting. We took our time to get to know each other and made clear in the very beginning what we expect when it comes to dating and our boundaries. He said if a girl would talk to other guys while he was getting to know her it's a dealbreaker. He then said it's not okay to talk to other people during that stage for him and it'd be like as if he was talking to multiple women at the same time - just not okay. I respected that opinion a lot and told myself if I wanna get to know him on a serious level, I will not talk to others just as him, because of mutual respect. We became a couple in June after a few dates.

In August it all happened. He was at my place and I knew the code to his phone because he told me the code. Before he went to the bathroom we had a conversation and I asked him "Did u talk to other girls before we were official? And he said no" So when was in the bathroom I glanced at his phone and couldn't resist… I went on Instagram and clicked on the DMs. Then I saw one girl and clicked on that chat. And what I saw was long dramatic texts of a girl ending things with him.... after the day of our first date. I felt so sick and when he came back I immediately confronted him and that led to me almost breaking up with him. I went through most messages of that chat while he was in front of me and it wasn't really anything "spicy". However they were having phone calls at night and that made me feel so hurt. Why would he have calls with another girl when he could've called me? In the week after he explained to me that this girl was interested in him but he wasn't interested in her. The only reason why they were still in touch was because of her A levels in summer and because she was depressed and he wanted to help her and felt bad for her. They never met and only had contact on Instagram.

In the beginning of December. I don't know what it was but something inside me got triggered and this whole story from August bothered me so much. I cried, I got angry, I started fights with my boyfriend and he got angry at me too for bringing it up. I felt still so hurt from what has happened and I started obsessing over it. I just couldn't understand why this had happened and why he lied to me like that. I was questioning his personality and if he'd lie to me again.

All of these feelings were building up and I checked his phone again in December. I felt like an insecure loser. I disrespected his privacy and I genuinely felt like a psycho. I apologized to him and this scenario was a wake up call. Since then our communication has become better and I explained what I was feeling for a month and how it has driven me to that point. He explained how that made him feel from his perspective.

I don't know what to do to stop this anger and to truly forgive. Every minor incident in the relationship leads to me feeling unloved or like my trust is broken again. I hope you guys can share ur opinion, thanks a lot.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/International-Ice371 on 2024-01-13 17:48:13+00:00.

I need some advice. I haven't been able to pull myself together for a couple days, so getting it off my chest might help.

I'm in a long term relationship with my high school sweetheart. We got together when I was 15 and he was 17. We've had the odd bump in the road, but that's To be expected when you're kids for most of your relationship.

As of the last couple years, things have been going really well between us. He's usually super sweet and thoughtful and supportive off me, especially since this last year I started going to college.

About 2 years ago we made an agreement that we could each have a hall pass, just because neither of us really have any experiences outside each other, however it has strict rules. We have to be open and honest with each other the entire time. From the second we think something might happen, we need to talk to each other about it. It can't be friends, and it can't be at home. My biggest requirement was honesty.

About a year ago he broke my trust for the first time. He had asked me for sex, and I had said no because I was tired and stressed because of school and work, and he didn't seem bothered. He helped me fall asleep so I could take a nap because I had a headache. When I woke from the nap, he was out in the livingroom which didn't arise as strange, so I quietly went to playfully scare him. Well when I approached from behind I noticed he was on one of those cam girl sights where you can talk and interact with them, and for me this is a no go. We fought about this, but ultimately managed to work things out and agreed that this was a boundary that couldn't be crossed.

Fast forward the rest of the year, we had absolutely no problems and our relationship was the best it has been.

Now, I've been fighting with a cold since new years day, awful chest cough that makes it hard to catch my breath. I got off work and had an awful headache that made me nauseous from coughing so much. He went and picked me up meds and helped me in the shower to relax my chest. Once I got out of the shower I was starting to feel better and he fed me and got me relaxing in bed. We watched some TV then I told him I was falling asleep, and he asked if I felt good enough for some sex, to help me sleep. I told him no, I wasn't feeling good enough yet, again he was totally understanding. I fell asleep with my hands on his chest listening to his heartbeat so I could focus on not coughing.

I fell asleep, then less than an hour later he wakes me up in a panic because he was talking to some random woman that just added him on Facebook. (You can guess the context) and they began video chatting. She took a screen record of his junk and was going to send it to his entire friends list if he didn't send her money. All he kept asking me is what he should do, and in my rage I told him I hope she sends it because that's what he deserves.

I ended up leaving for the entire night and stayed in my car, then once he left for work the next day I came home and cleaned all his stuff out of our room and put it in the livingroom.

I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to him, I haven't been able to leave my bed since I came home. I dont know what I should do, I don't know if I can ever be with him again because I don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust him again.

Any opinions would be really helpful. Thanks.

TL;DR my fiance video called a random woman while I was sleeping sick and might have his junk sent to his whole family

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/mooncaratt_ on 2024-01-13 17:15:03+00:00.

(Sorry if some things are badly written, English is not my first language)

So, It's my boyfriend's cousin birthday party and he asked me if I want to go. I told him I didn't want to go because personally I don't like being invited through him and not being asked personally to go. Just to make things clear, his cousin claims that she likes me and considers me a friend, but she never actually makes any effort to contact me to do things or invite me personally to parties, she only passes the invitation to my boyfriend and says that I can go to, but I feel like it I'm not directly invited by the host then my presence is unwanted there.

Just for the record, the cousin has all my social media and my personal number, and in the 4 years I've been dating my boyfriend she only contacted me like 2 or 3 times to ask for a favor. Idk, it just seems weird and wrong to me. Am I in the wrong here or I'm overthinking?

TL;DR! - I feel like his friends don’t really like me and that’s the reason they don’t invite me personally.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Okkkkkkkkkkayyy on 2024-01-13 16:12:57+00:00.

Me(20M) and my GF(23F) been dating for more than a month now. We had a pretty big fight earlier on today.

I’m currently on a trip right now, she’s currently 2 hours ahead of me so she has to stay awake for a bit to call me at night. When just started calling her it someone suddenly called out to me and I ended call abruptly for a minute and called back. But then she didn’t answer my call and told me she’s mad because I ended call because of a stranger. I was confused, but I understood that she had a rough day at work so she might get mad easily, so I apologised and tried calling her again, she still didn’t answer. At this point I was annoyed, since I didn’t feel like I was respected, it’s not until a few minutes later that she called me back, I wouldn’t be mad if she just started talking like usual, but she looked extremely upset and it stressed me out, so I looked like I was annoyed too. She then started yelling at me about how I should’ve comforted her and said that I love her to make her feel better because it was my fault, thing is I apologised already, I also said it on call the moment she called back, but she still looked upset so I began freaking out a bit. Apparently she told me it is expected for men to apologises a few times before she changes her mind and we become back to normal. At this point I was just shocked, but since I’m quite inexperienced with women, I also started doubting my common sense, but I still feel not respected by her words and actions. What should I do/ is this normal or am I just being sensitive?

Note that she told me it’s common for girls to “pretend to be mad” so guys know and try to fix bad habit, but I also found this immature and stressful to deal with. Since she gets “mad” over me responding to messages a few minutes late and accuses me for “prioritising my hobby over her”.

Tldr: gf got mad over small things, I apologised but she’s still mad and need me to be gentler. But I start to feel disrespected in the relationship but I’m not sure whether it’s reasonable.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/nicolettching on 2024-01-13 13:24:29+00:00.

TL;DR: Husband called me a BlTCH… but not as a joke

My husband (22m) and I (22f) were arguing about alcohol percentages (we were drunk btw) and I was clearly the right one. Knowing we were both drunk, I just told him that we’ll talk abt it the next day but he still wanted to prove that I was wrong. I’m not just gonna give up and say that he wins because that’s just not right. So he kept calling me names like b1tch and r3t@rd3d, and I just think that you shouldn’t be saying that to your wife especially if you’re just proving a point to each other. I feel very disrespected by this but should this be a reason for us to have a divorce? I won’t want to raise his child knowing he has no problems talking down to me like that all because of a heated discussion.

P.S. he has been emotionally cheating on me during our whole relationship & only found out 3 months into our marriage…

Side note: we would joke around and call each other names but during that time, it felt very personal and could tell he was not fooling around

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/erkaderk on 2024-01-13 13:24:28+00:00.

Hi all! As the title states, my boyfriend of 4 years (living together for 2) has several videos of him having sex with other girls, girls doing strip teases and nude photos. I have jealousy issues (growing up in with parents in an unhealthy relationship, I’ve been cheated on, he was very promiscuous) and he knows this and he’s usually accommodating.

I’ve asked him if he has kept any intimate photos which he said no, and I’ve asked him if he’d ever be okay with me looking through his phone and he said yes. So last night, I couldn’t sleep so I went through his video album (we just got a new kitten and he’s been home with him for the past two days) so I wanted to see if there were some I hadn’t seen and obviously I see the videos I mentioned.

To be fair, he has 40, 000 videos and photos, 4000 of which are videos. He doesn’t go through stuff but it was so easy to stumble upon.

I left the video on so he’ll see it when he opens his phone. Not sure where to go from here. Just feel really fucking uncomfortable seeing my partner with several other women. Anyone been through similar? How do I get over this? I know he’ll be mad first and feel attacked but man it fucking hurts.

TL;DR: my boyfriend has several sex videos and nudes with different women and I don’t know how to talk to him about it or get over seeing them.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Few_Operation_965 on 2024-01-13 11:23:50+00:00.

TL; DR; my husband spends his nights gaming and it makes him not attracted to me.

Hi guys, like I said in the title, my husband doesn't think I'm attractive. I did everything to make him feel satisfied with my looks. I'm not ugly. I'm tall, blonde, skinny woman. And he still doesn't compliment me, doesn't look at me like he used to. He doesn't touch me. We don't even have intimacy anymore bc he says he's stressed with the situation that's been solved some time ago. He says he needs more time, but it's been a year and still nothing changed. I don't really know what to do. I get compliments from other guys on daily basis, but it's still not him. He doesn't pay attention to me. I know he's not cheating on me. He spends his nights gaming with friends, and I go to bed alone almost every single night. When he comes to bed, he spends hours on TikTok While I sleep (I have to get up early for work) so it leaves no time for intimacy. He doesn't even want to have sex with me. I tried to talk to him so many times about it, but he only gets irritated that I mention this topic again. It makes me feel so unattractive and unappreciated. I do everything for him to make him feel like the best man ever. And yet I get nothing like that from him. I don't know what to do. Is there any chance I can change that?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/thick_countertop on 2024-01-13 11:02:49+00:00.

There is always talk about whether you should stay with, or leave a cheater. I (26f) was a cheater in my relationship 2 years ago, but we have since worked through it together. I wonder if I sound selfish asking the title question. Is it a good idea for a past cheater to stay with the person they cheated on? I reckon most don't give a shit, but for those with experience, what's your advice?

My concerns: Missing trust forever? Loss of respect forever? Power dynamic imbalance? Their family hating you forever? Lack of pride?

Let me know if you deem it selfish for a former cheater (me) to have those concerns. Everything can be redirected back to "What did you expect?" Tbh, I didn't expect us to stay together. We stayed because we both held out hope, and (fortunately) we seem to be making it.

I only feel those effects mildly and have not talked about them with my BS (34m). My BS thinks I overthink and focus too much on the shame and I need to move on. It hasn't been easy to. I probably need a therapist.

I don't regret staying, and I don't intend for this to sound like that. I'm just lost on how to move forward. I don't know if I'll always feel like a villain or if I'll ever feel good about myself again. Is leaving the only solution to that? I don't 'pity' my boyfriend, but I do look at him and think he deserves a girl much better than me. I worry if we will ever feel pride in our relationship again.

Tl;Dr: is it worth it to stay with the person you cheated on, will we ever be happy again? I feel like he is mostly happy but I don't know if it's true or just part of him sucking it up and "being a man". I can't expect vulnerability from someone I hurt. I would like advice from anyone who may have been there (cheated on, or cheated before), how the relationship turned out and what, if anything, made your relationship irreconcilable? Or hopeful? Thanks

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Financial_Knee7904 on 2024-01-13 09:16:42+00:00.

I (F24) caught my BF (M25) a week after we started dating on tinder. I forgave him on the basis that he had been single for years after a traumatic relationship and got it mindlessly just to swipe. He said it was an old habit, I felt it was also partly fear of entering something serious again. A year in, I caught him sharing pictures with girls on snap chat, I was hurt but again forgave. Monogamy is not the be all end all for me, we are all attracted to lots of people - I think that's why I was able to be understanding. He said porn for him gets boring and sharing pictures is more engaging and feels less soulless. I gave him permission to keep sexting people as long as he told me if he did. It wasn't the biggest deal to me at the time as I see a pretty big separation from sexting randoms to physical cheating. About 8 months ago I caught him on a dating app again!! That time it was a HUGE deal, I felt certain I had to break up with him. We both spent like a whole day crying. He was respectful of my space, and asked to go to couples therapy together even if it was just for closure and a healthy break up. He was there for every hard conversation. He never once blamed me or made excuses, just that he was sorry and didn't know how he let it get so bad. He is very afraid of confrontation and upsetting people, he also struggles to ask for help as he is the support person who helps in all of his friendships and relationships. So I see what parts of him held him back from speaking up. He said he was too ashamed to come to me about it, and was again using the app to sext not actually meet up with people.

We went to couples therapy, and I do feel like we've both learnt and grown from this. Since then, he's been perfect in every way and always makes me his first priority. He is empathetic, kind, supportive and so understanding. We get along, and rarely fight or have weird moments - even after three years now it's kind of freaky how easy it is for us, and we are compatible in every way. I'm neurodivergent and have big emotions, I've never dated any one until now that's had as much time and space for me as he does. He cries with me and never makes me feel silly even if I'm sobbing because I forgot to buy an onion and hate myself. All of his friends, colleagues and family adore him and he gives so much time to helping others. He's generous and kind, it's the first time I've felt I can be myself with someone, and be unconditionally loved and supported. I honestly feel I could ask him to move to Africa with me, and he would give up everything without hesitation to do it. I guess what I'm trying to ask is can you forgive a truly good person for doing something truly terrible?

I know if I break up with him, I will still think about him everyday for the rest of my life no matter how much I move on. Am I the biggest idiot in the world for forgiving him or do you think people can truly change? I really feel like it would be giving up a one in a million person, but I know how bad it is what he has done too. We all have ugly aspects to ourselves, and all have made stupid horrible mistakes at some point..

TL;DR; Can you forgive a truly good person for doing something truly terrible? My bf is PERFECT for me in every way except for some stupid mistakes.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/True-Rub-7806 on 2024-01-13 01:26:16+00:00.

My BF(27M) wants to a buy a house, and it’s costing our relationship. (25F)

Back story: We met in October 2022, where as I had recently moved back to my hometown from college (four mouths prior). There was a sudden period where I was between living addresses, and I stayed with him for about 5 or so weeks a few mouths into our relationship. He was very kind to share his apartment, a small 1bed 1bath 600sqft. We made it work, and it did not make us hate one another haha! If anything I miss it. I shortly found an affordable room for rent an hour away with 2 rando girls. I also drive an hour to work from his current place, and another hour from mine in a different location.(Think of it as a triangle).

We are located in central FL where the rent and homes price are becoming higher by the day.

Since I’ve move in to my current place, my rent has increased $300. I have student loans starting soon, and other bills where life is becoming to expensive to live. I do not have family, so that is not an option.

He resigned his lease a while ago for 15 mouths. His rent is about 2k, and he can afford it but it is a splurge. We have always talked about us signing a lease together at a new apartment closer to my job (he works hybrid, and I am in office). Allowing us to combind our income and finding a lower priced place in order to save money and possibly buy a home one day. We are not sitting here planning our every move and the years to come, but we talk about the future. We agreed that in march(2023) comes we will look at appartments then.

Because of this I choose to renew my lease for another year, and sub lease it when his ends, costing me an extra $300 mouthly. But this gives us time to grow our relationship, and it allows to get by for mean time.

Suddenly, he told me he wanted to a buy a house and flip it. A cheaper 150k home near UCF (1 hour from my job, and $200 in tolls monthly for me). He has this idea of buying a house now, living in it for a year along with working on varies home improvement projects, then renting it out. He has toured a few homes and seems to believe that buying a house is easy and quick. He’s even stated that he does not want another lease, and would rather pay an extra $600 a mouth for a “mouth to mouth” lease at his current appartment, than considering finding one together.

Because of this sudden change, i need to way my options, with my bills increasing I’ll need another job. I already work +45 hours weekly and need to find one for the weekends, the little time i have off. I can already see myself being tired and not wanting to travel to him. I’ve always worked multiple jobs putting myself through college. I do not want to move in with someone because of financial reasons or any reason than “love.” But because of our loose plan of finding an apartment together May, i don’t know.

I mentioned when (if) he gets a home, when ever that may be, I’d move in and eat the time/ money with traveling to work I suppose. He even stated that it should be fine as I’d be paying less in rent anyways. But today, I jokingly said something along the lines of when you close I’d be there the next day to help. His response was “no, i mean if your stuff is there and I want to redo the floors it’s inconvenient.” ( i an a minimal person, do not own much, whats so ever.)

Obviously he is not wanting to or is ready to live together. I told him all of this, my perceptive, and his response was laughingly “welp I guess me buying a house is breaking up, sorry its a deal breaker for you”

Are my thoughts rational? Should I wait it out snd hope to live together eventually? Is this just the economy? I really don’t know what to do, am I wasting my time? Is it me?

TL;DR;: I was finically relying on living together, and he does not what to. Resulting in me working more, causing us to not see one another.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/PrestigiousBerry1364 on 2024-01-13 00:39:54+00:00.

Hi all,

I (27F) just got into a relationship with my boyfriend (23M) from last year around Thanksgiving!

We spent little time together before he left off to the Marines and have been writing to eachother <3

Before he left to the Marines, I reached out to my ex (37M) who was still added to my Instagram. I told my ex that I'll be blocking him because I am in a relationship now.

My ex and I did not have a good relationship, especially within our last year together. He was a manipulator, he liked to keep me away from my family and friends, avid gaslighter, an alcoholic and verbally abused me with light physical abuse. This was throughout our relationship. Oh, and a cheater.

Moving forward, my ex response was not what I'd imagine. He kept spamming my phone on Insta saying he needed more awnsers, he had questions and wanted to know more about the new guy I'm with. I said no..no you're getting blocked now. Then he asked if we can briefly meet up to talk about this. Absolutely not I said. But then I thought to myself that I can finally prove to him how I was capable on finding someone better than him.

You see, before the break up he told me I would NEVER find someone as good as him (even throughout the relationship) and he said if I ever left him I'd belong to the streets.

And that's where my ego got to the best of me. I agreed to meet with him briefly in public to discuss about this.

I know this was so stupid of me to do. And by all means I did not hook up with my ex, talking about our past, flirt, hug, kiss, touch etc.

The night ended short because he got out of line and told me "watch by the 3rd day he's going to break up with you."

That's when I left and finally blocked him.

I didnt want to tell my BF about this before I wanted him to focus on himself to get stronger at bootcamp.

I plan on telling him everything when he comes back. However I just want him to have clarity about what happened, I'm not doing this to make me feel better to confess, I want him to have carling of what happened.

Men, I would like your take on this?

I know I messed up by seeing my ex like that; I didnt cheat on my ex and I can confidentially say that My ex looked terrible and was knd of drunk too so he looked like a mess.

TL;DR I saw my ex to tell him about my new partner before my partner went off to camp. I couldn't tell my partner before he left to camp so he can focus on himself. Now I feel like I really screwed up even though I didn't cheat on him. I fear he can break up with me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/yadlfv on 2024-01-12 23:20:16+00:00.

I (24 yo female) made my girlfriend (24 yo female) cry on her birthday and I just can't stop feeling guilty about it.

I love her so much and I love our relationship. We've been partners for about 6 months and she's the girl I wanna marry. However, we have an issue: She's in the closet with most of her family and I don't like to feel hidden. If we have problems, they are usually because of that: the fact that I'm not recognised as her girlfriend to her family or in her social media.

On her birthday, things we're going pretty great. I sent her a lot of presents I knew she would love and I was trying to not create any problem. But then, I went to instagram. I saw my post for her birthday, then some other posts and then, I saw she reposted something a friend of hers posted for her birthday. It was a photo in which her friend was hugging her from behind by the waist, cheek to cheek, and his girlfriend was standing on the other side. If you looked at the picture, It would seem like my girlfriend is his girlfriend. I felt so aweful when I saw that, because I kept thinking: I can't post something like that because she wouldn't like her family to think I'm her girlfriend (literally, I have to be veeery selective to what I post for her to repost It), but that dude could post something that would make him look like her boyfriend, and she would repost It without hesitation.

I tried to calm down and stop crying, but I just couldn't. I didn't want to say anything to her because it was her birthday, but I just couldn't stop crying. So I told her about the photo, about how it made me feel. I told her I felt jealous because she wouldn't repost something like that from me, that the hug from behind by the waist is weird, and that I would've liked her to think about how that would make me feel before reposting it, at least give me a warning. She kept explaining that behavior is normal because in her friend's culture apparently that's normal, that it was taken before meeting me, and her family knew he wasn't her girlfriend. I just kept crying until I calmed down for a little while and, to be honest, I felt sad because it seemed she was trying to justify that kind of behavior (which Made me think she would keep doing it in the future) and because I would've liked her to think of me (I know if I posted something like that, she would feel aweful). I told her that. Then, I knew the feeling wasn't gonna go away that easily. I felt she prioritized his feelings when she kept saying she wasn't gonna delete the post (even though I didn't ask her to do that) nor ask him to change the photo (which I did suggest) because of the friend's feelings. So, I pretended things were fine after I calmed down a little bit because it was her birthday and, days later, we talked about it and we restablished boundaries for the future. I hope they get respected.

She's fine and tells me not to feel guilty. However, I feel very bad because when we were talking about the post, I made her cry. I wish things like these wouldn't be an issue, but being hidden (she's in the closet but I'm not) is harder than I thought. I know I wouldn't have felt so bad if she recognised me as her girlfriend to her family. I do not want to break up, I wanna be with her, I know I just have to wait. I just feel very guilty, because the last thing I wanted to do was to make her cry on her birthday. How do I get rid of the guilt? Was I a bad partner? I don't know :(

TL;DR: I felt jealous on her birthday because she reposted a photo from a friend in which they Made a pose I consider romantic and she would never repost something like that from me because she's in the closet. I made her cry on her birthday because se talked about it.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/groovy_cryptid on 2024-01-12 23:18:30+00:00.

I’m a 21 year old female, and all of my romantic partners have said something along the lines of “I feel like you love me more than I love you, and I don’t feel like I deserve you.” even though the amount of love feels equal to me??? and I don’t believe in “deserving someone” I just believe in loving each other and working through issues together to form a strong bond. I think it might have something to do with the fact that (my therapist said this to me) my capacity to feel is much larger than most people’s, so my emotions come off as very intense, but I don’t know. can someone help me try to figure this out? I want to break this reoccurring pattern in my current relationship before it breeds too much guilt on their end.

tl;dr - partners worry that they don’t love me as much as I love them, and I don’t feel that way. why?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/24mythrowaway on 2024-01-12 23:02:28+00:00.

I want to begin with I'm in a 2 year relationship and have a child with my girlfriend. Recently a bunch of odd but isolated events just clicked together and everything suddenly made sense. I'm hopelessly in love and attached to her but I can't turn a blind eye to this.

To get to the point, when my girlfriend and I started dating she used to sometimes make jokes about how attractive her cousin is. Let's call him Liam. She used to joke about how she likes the color of his eyes, how she likes his hair, his toes and how he's her boyfriend, it seemed like innocent teasing because it's just her cousin after all and it seemed dumb that she'd try to genuinely make me jealous with him.

She has a younger brother (13) and two younger sisters (16 and 17). The one who's 17 lives in a different home. I sleep over most days of the week and sometimes Liam sleeps over too. He'd sleep on the couch and I'd share the room with my gf and child.

A few months ago we were all chilling at my girlfriends house and Liam was hooking up with the 17 year old sibling. He's 19. It was weird because she had a boyfriend and he used to chill with us, he just wasn't around that night. So Liam picks her up while they're kissing and all this is happening in front of my gf and all the siblings. Surprisingly it looked as if nobody really cared as they were acting like an affectionate couple all night.

One night, about passed 22:00 Liam randomly asks me if I'm going to sleep over. He never used to ask me this and it was too late for me to go home anyway and when I asked why he wanted to know he said he was just curious. I told him I was sleeping over and what was so odd was that his body language showed dissapointment. He then agreed and said it was too late for me to go.

Recently my gfs younger brother asked me for advice on how to handle a situation. Liam snuck into the room my gfs siblings are sharing (the brother and sister sleep on different beds) and he got into the 16yo bed and they began having sex. They didn't know the younger brother was watching everything. I told my girlfriend about it and all she did was take her sisters phone away. It bothers me that's all that happened because even now they're chilling like nothing happened. I mean, for months my gfs family were accusing those two of sleeping together and we used to defend them.

I also noticed that my girlfriend would sometimes find a nonsense reason to get upset and then ask that I sleep at my house. In hindsight, Liam would be sleeping over on these nights too. This used to happen even before we found out he hooked up with two of the three sisters.

Another odd thing was that my gfs aunt used to live with her and one day she accused me and my gf of having sex in her room. Absurd! I know for a fact I didn't do that. She must be crazy for thinking that we had sex in her room, right? To be honest, I'm convinced that Liam and my gf slept together that day. Always when he's around my girlfriend doesn't want me over and he always asks if I am going to sleep over. I was home tonight and she randomly says to me that she thinks I should sleep at home. I insisted on coming over and guess who's here? Liam, my girlfriend and her sister are chilling like besties. Coincidentally again he asks if I'm going to sleep over. I went upstairs to be with my one year old daughter and I can hear their conversations. He talks about how he finds a certain style of braids sexy and they should have that hairstyle. He joked about how he'd take her away from me as my gf and also that he's going to take her out and be her bf for the day.

Am I going fucking crazy or do you see all these things adding up?

I went downstairs a while after he said those things and I joked and asked how is he going to take my girlfriend when it's his cousin. Funny enough he says he'd never touch his own cousin. He tried insulting my appearance by saying I look sick and my gf just looked like she was supporting him, like the goal is to get me to feel unwanted and leave. Now keep in mind my girlfriend would get upset over random nonsense as an excuse to not have me around or to not give me attention because she's "angry" whenever he's around. How are you treating me like this but with this cousin that fucked both of your sisters over the last few months in your own home is still your besty?

I just can't ignore the relationship my girlfriend and her cousin has and how she treats me whenever he's around. I never betrayed her or cheated on her but why does he get treated better than me? I'm afraid I know why.

All three sisters made the same type of jokes about how they find him attractive. It's known that he hooked up with two of them. And I've realized that my girlfriend has had many opportunities to have sex with him and they act like it. How crazy is it to think he slept with all 3?

Tl;dr My girlfriend used to joke about how attractive she thinks her cousin is and she has two other sisters who has made the same type of jokes. He has been with both of her sisters in her house and he even crept into her sisters room and had sex with her in front of her 13yo brother thinking he was asleep and she's acting fine with it. My gf also will find reasons to justify me sleeping at my house and this will always coincide with her cousin sleeping over and him oddly asking in a suggestive way if I'm going to spend the night at my house. There was a time my girlfriend and I were accused of having sex in her aunty's room but I know I didn't do it. In hindsight her cousin was around at the time.

Tonight he jokes about how they should have braids in a certain style that he finds sexy and he'll steal my gf from me. Also that he'll take her out on a date and he'll be her bf for the day. He says this in front of the other sister that he was caught having sex with very recently. My gf was entertained by the joke. I believe my gf has repeatedly slept with her cousin.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Lillealucifer444 on 2024-01-12 22:59:22+00:00.

We split up twice in 2 years once because I was suffering mentally and second he didn't want to fight for us after a little argument he just quit on us and left. He broke things in my house and took my favourite clothes which he hasn't given back and still won't. This time he was adamant we weren't getting back together a 3rd time although we ended up seeing other again despite what he said. He wanted me to prove I changed! He admitted to doing wrong too but he won't be official and he won't unblock me on FB until he knows I'm serious about him. He's also now gone and shaved all his hair off which he knew I loved. I have a big feeling it's to test if I'll stay with him. I said he looks cute but I prefer hair on him. But he said he might keep it like that for a while. I don't know what I'm to do. I would never shave my hair but if I lost it to a medical condition I would wear a wig.

Tl;Dr: I think my bf is testing me to see if I'm serious about us. I don't think I can take it. I'm under alot of stress as it is.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Lopsided_Pop9674 on 2024-01-12 22:13:53+00:00.

Is this controlling behavior? F23 M38 There are some traits my partner exhibits that have been very concerning for me to emotionally feel trusting and stable in our relationship. A few warning signs I have noticed in the beginning of our 3 and half years of being together. We have recently moved in together and now it has really started to wear on me. These are the things that I have constantly communicated to him and he doesn't either seem to care, validate or listen when I explain when these said points are brought up.

He interrupts. Like a lot. He has expressed his medication for being schizophrenic makes him have word vomit which I understand because I have adhd. BUT everytime he tells a story about his day or topic of interest, I listen patiently and actively listen, give feedback and sympathize as much as possible. When I tell him something important to me or tell a story he either deflects my concern, interrupts to change subject or jam a phone in my face. Or the worst is when I try to explain past bad issues that have happened to me, he will try kiss me to get me to shut up. ( The last couple of times I just pulled away but it's really weird and annoying.

He is always critical. I could be doing whatever in the house or when we are together and he always says" Why are you doing it like that? Just do this instead- Or if I have a topic of interest that I like he always will put it down unless he likes it too or has shown it to me. Very rare I can count I have shown him something that I picked that he will enjoy

He seems like he hates anything I that we have moved into together his inconsiderate ways are beyond frustrating. Every time I'm gone somewhere or at work I come home to find he's trying to get rid or replace something I personally bought. Just yesterday claiming a microwave he found in the TRASH worked fine and wanted to replace the one I JUST spent money on... That's not even mentioning how I come home constantly to see he's rearranged something claiming it's impractical and irresponsible to have a certain way.

The last part that is just beyond blood boiling to me is how controlling he is with my food and cooking. I've explained and hint and shown how triggering certain foods are to me due my past extreme eating disorder. (I was even hospitalized for a period time it was that severe.) And eveytime I'm trying to eat my safe food or just eat at a time I'm comfortable with he tries to change that too. SMH then when he does make or bring something home it's something very unlikely that I will consume. It took him 2 years to realize I don't really eat pasta, fast food etc...Even now when I'm having a bad "body" day and I say "No thanks I have other plans for dinner" He will argue and argue with me why. And I'm like- You've know me to be like this for 3 years...When have you seen me eat at this time or eat that without expressing my anxiety about. To be honest I just don't think he cares about me like he claims because he's just so incredibly insensitive and rude to me on just being a individual. That's just the half of what he does. Are my feelings valid here? Or am I complaining and not giving it time to adjust to how we both are? Any advice will help TL; DR