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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/corksncoffee on 2024-01-12 17:04:09+00:00.
This is going to be looong because I want to give as much context as possible, so I apologize in advance.
Important to note, almost 2 months ago, I (29f) posted about being ready to move in with my boyfriend “Mark” (28m) of over 2 years. You can find it on my profile, but to try and summarize, we live over an hour apart and see each other once a week. It’s been like that our whole relationship. Any conversation we’ve had about taking the next step and moving in together has been initiated by me. At the one year mark, he still wasn’t ready and as much as I was ready at that point, I didn’t want to push it so I let it go. I brought the topic up again in August. I asked if he was ready and he said he was. We talked out the logistics, he said himself that he would rather move to me because he likes my area better and there are better job opportunities here. He said he’d start looking for other jobs in my area because the commute from my place to current his job would be about an hour. But even though he said he would look for jobs in my area, I know he never did. Change makes him really uncomfortable and I know the idea of leaving his current job was giving him anxiety. That was as far as the situation had gotten when I posted about it a couple months ago.
Since then, Mark and I have had another conversation about it. I told him I knew he hadn’t been job hunting like he said he would. I understood this is a lot of change on his part, moving to a new place and to a new job, etc. But I am beyond ready to take the next step and it really felt like he still wasn’t. I told him that if he didn’t see a future with me, he needed to be honest and say that. I’d given him ample opportunity to be honest about it in every talk we’ve had about it. I tell him how I feel and wait patiently for him to respond with his thoughts, but I’m typically met with silence, non-answers, or one word answers to the questions I ask him.
I asked again if he would prefer that I move to his place instead, he said no. So then I said since I knew the idea of switching jobs was a lot for him, maybe we could revisit the idea of him making the hour hour commute from my place to his work. I knew it wouldn’t be pleasant, but that way, we could live together and he could still stay at his current job. He wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea, but agreed said he would come up to my place one weekday out of the week, stay the night and drive to work in the morning to try the commute out. And I mean… I did appreciate him trying, but also didn’t want it to turn into a 6 month long event where he drives to work from my place once a week, still “trying the commute out.” I do love that I get to see him a little more, but my goal is still cohabitation. And realistically, he’ll know after the first 3 or 4 times whether or not the commute is feasible. There’s no reason to drag this thing out several months unless he’s stringing me on.
So we did that for a few weeks, and then of course, his car started leaking oil. I can’t remember what the root problem was, but whatever it is, his brother in law is a mechanic and quoted him 1500 to fix it. We both struggle financially, and he doesn’t have the money to fix it. He still drives it but is dumping a quart of oil in the car every couple days. The trial commutes from my place to his work have stopped because it isn’t ideal or safe to drive an hour to and from work in a car that’s leaking oil all over the place. So that’s where we currently stand. We were making baby steps towards moving in together and it’s all on hold until he can get his car fixed.
Now… where my parents come in. I live a couple hours away from them so they don’t know Mark too well. But he’s been around for holidays and they like him but think he’s quiet, and my mom goes as far to tell him so. He is a pretty quiet and introverted person, completely opposite of my extroverted dynamic family. They can be overwhelming, so he just chills and observes whenever we visit with my family. My parents have asked a few time times in the past about Mark and I moving in together. I was honest and said it’s something I’ve wanted for awhile, we’ve talked about it, and even though he says it’s something he wants too, he truly seems reluctant and is slow to make steps towards it. I don’t know what it’s stemming from, it feels like something he doesn’t want, but whenever I say that, Mark gets mad and says I’m making assumptions about his feelings (even though he won’t communicate what his feelings are). They’re very confused about this. They know we both struggle with money and brought up how much money we’d save if we lived together and split rent and utilities. They’re not wrong, Mark and I would both save about $400/month if we were to move in together. It would give us a lot more breathing room, he’s aware of it too. But the last thing I want to do is use our finances as a reason to move in together when I feel like I’m already pushing him.
I was crazy behind on bills this month. I work a full time job, about 43 hours a week, but it doesn’t pay very well. I’m actively applying for second jobs. But it got to the point where, last week, I had to resort to asking for my parents for money for the first time in my adult life. It really was a last resort and I felt terrible. They’re retired and on a fixed income while still raising my baby sisters (13 and 11). They chipped in to help without hesitation, which I am so grateful for. They asked again if Mark and I had talked more about moving in together. I told them that unfortunately, Mark’s car needs repaired and it looks like that plan is on hold until it’s fixed.
So l got a call last night from my mom. She said she had an idea on how to help me out and sounded super excited to share it with me. I asked what she had in mind. She says “I think you need a roommate!” I live in a one bedroom apartment and my lease isn’t up until August. Obviously, if Mark and I were to move in together, we’d share the bedroom. But otherwise, the only space I have to offer up to a roommate is the living room. I was caught off guard by the suggestion but just responded with “okay…?” and let her continue. She goes “And I know just the right guy!” Umm.. what?? Apparently, there’s some guy that’s recently started going to their church who’s mentioned relocating to the area where I live. She keeps going, “I told him I have a daughter who lives up around that way who might be able to use a roommate! He’s 30 so he’s right around your age. Very nice guy. Maybe you could get a pull out couch and the living room can be his space until you’re able to find a two bedroom!” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I was hoping she was joking but it turns out she was dead serious. I heard my dad peep up in the background, “I told her to never say that mess! Mark is going to have something to say about this.” Dad’s right, Mark would definitely not be okay with it. Mom responds “Well I don’t see why! He’s harmless. I will admit I thought the guy was gay when I first met him, but I don’t think he is… But he’ll keep to himself!” I really just was at a loss for words. Here’s my mom suggesting I share my one bedroom apartment with a man I’ve never met or spoken to. I don’t even know how long they’ve known the guy, maybe 6 months? I finally responded, that I’m not comfortable living with a random man, and considering I’m in a relationship, I don’t think it’s appropriate. She says “Well just take some time to think about it! He asked for your number but I told him I’d have to ask you about it all first. He’ll probably bring it up again when we see him on Sunday, so let me know.”
I hung up, stunned. Then immediately called Mark to tell him what had just happened. He was silent the whole time I was telling the story and was quiet for quite some time afterwards until he finally cleared his throat and said “Noted.” I told him there was no way I was moving in with some random guy and will make sure my mom understand the answer is no, but I wanted to know how he was feeling about this.
He said he already struggles with feeling like he’s not a good enough boyfriend for not being able to provide for me. To him, it feels like my mom doesn’t like him and views this random church guy as a more acceptable “suitor,” and this is her sneaky way of getting us together. It would’ve been different had my mom suggested a female roommate. He says he’s glad my dad recognizes it was a bad idea but wishes my dad would have shut the conversation down while it was happening in front of him. He understandably feels disrespected and like my parents (especially my mom) must not like him or think much of him. I genuinely don’t know what my mom was thinking. But I told him that my mom knows us moving in together is on hold at the moment, and from everything she said, it seemed like she was just trying to help find a solution to my financial situation, as ignorant as it might’ve been.
Truthfully, I can’t tell if Mark is right about my mom’s view of him after this stunt. Or if she really was just trying to help. I do have a third theory though… I almost suspect she was trying to light a fire under Mark. She’s told me before that she doesn’t understand why Mark hasn’t moved in with me yet. If he loves me, why hasn’t he moved in so we can help each other out? I told her I didn’t know why, but up until last week I never relied on anyone else to care of me...
Content cut off. Read original on https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/194zzii/my_mom_61f_tried_to_pair_me_29f_with_a_male/