Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/pikamikachui on 2024-01-12 17:49:52+00:00.

I went to Dubai for 2 weeks. On my last 3 days i met this really cute Irish guy (for context i’m Asian). He was working already in Dubai for a few short months and i’m on holiday from my uni. On our first date we had drinks and i instantly fell for him, we had an incredible time because we shared the same exact interests in movies, music and same humor too. He was respectful and wasn’t touchy. We laughed all night and it was honestly so amazing because he made me remember how incredible I am. He was genuinely interested in me, he shared a lot about himself like his job, his music on Spotify, his short stint as a singer-songwriter, and a few personal details. At this point it’s 12am and 4 hours of just talking. At first he was shy to invite me to his place but we ended up getting there and it took 2 hours of talking and watching concerts on his tv before we kissed. He kissed me first and was so gentle about it that he even asked me first. It was incredibly romantic then after the deed he held me close in his arms. I asked him “do you want me to leave?” (Because i was jaded and i thought it was a one night stand) but he laughed and said “do you think i’m a monster? Come here” and pulled me closer. Then we listened to the Smiths as we fell asleep in eachother’s arms. I had to leave at 6am because my friend and i had a trip, so i told him i had to go and he was so sleepy but he mentioned he wanted to have breakfast with me which made me feel terrible for leaving. So before i left i told him we can hang out on Sunday (today was Saturday in the morning) and he said yes immediately. As i left, he gave me a quick kiss by the elevator and i kissed him back (because PDA is not allowed in Dubai).

Saturday afternoon I wasn’t expecting much, i expected him not to reply anymore but he did! I thanked him for a great night and he asked how i am and we had a little chat during the day then we talked about our plans for Sunday. He had to meet his coworkers sunday night so we could only do lunch then a movie. This had me realizing how incredibly sad this whole situation is because i was leaving the next day (Monday) and he still wanted to see me. We met on Sunday lunch and watched a movie together, at this point there was no PDA at all no touch and he was a bit distant but he was still present and conversed with me. He talked about his family and he kept saying “all the money in the world and we can never buy time.” He avoided talking about me leaving and just wanted to talk about the most random things, after the movie we walked around a music store and sat on a bench in the mall. I felt so sad because we both knew i was leaving and it felt as if he didn’t want to ruin those wonderful three days by talking about it. He kept extending the time after the movie (he was supposed to leave at 4:30pm) at this point it’s 5:30pm and he kept “pushing to extended the time” and kept his coworkers waiting. So he walked with me to the Metro (the walk was 20min) and we were just talking about nonsense as we walked, but in my mind i was dreading the walk, the agony of being closer and closer to the metro. By the time we got there, i gave him a postcard that i wrote before i went that day. It just says how i thought he was the sweetest guy from Ireland i’ve ever met, i had the best time with him, how i wish time stopped just a bit longer and my plane didn’t make it. And i mentioned how i wish that maybe in another lifetime. I told him i’ll try to come back and see him or he could see me. I gave it to him without him reading it and i said read it later. Then i took his photo with my film camera. He hugged me quickly (again, PDA not allowed) and just said safe flight. That was it.

I was sobbing and so devastated on the metro going home. I wanted to disappear in that moment and wished i could go back and do it all over again. The thing is, my friend invited me to work in Dubai after my dissertation which is around May. And the chance to even see him again is making me consider his invitation.

It was my first time to have slept with a guy on the first day and then getting a second date with him that was completely wholesome without the promise of sex. To me it felt real and it felt like i could message him again in May when i can finally stay for an indefinite period of time. What do you think it was? Could it possibly become more serious if the circumstances were right?

TLDR: fell for eachother in 3 days but i had to go home from vacation. i could possibly come back in May for a job, should i try to contact him when i can stay indefinitely?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway99372829292 on 2024-01-12 02:08:39+00:00.

Been dating for 7 years. I only had one relationship before him where verbal abuse / body shaming during fights was initiated by my ex and normalized. Because of this I said something horrible to my bf at 17 y/o during a massive fight (few months into dating) and in return he said that he would rather find a girlfriend without saggy bobs. I initiated the body shaming comment and he has forgiven me and moved on. For years that comment has replayed on my mind each time I look in the mirror, it ruins my self confidence. Im an anxious overthinker, I stare at myself and mull over this comment multiple times a day and convince myself that unless he saw some truth in the comment, even a little bit, he wouldn’t have said it. He would have chosen something else to come at me for. Me and him are compatible in every way, we have the same life goals, same friends, make each other laugh, physical compatibility. If this fight hadn’t happened I would’ve married him in a heartbeat. When im with him, I don’t think if it as much unless I’m changing my top in front of him or wearing something super low cut , I get conscious and feel bad about myself around him then. It’s like that comment took away them being my favorite asset from me. Any advice on what to do? Do you think it’s possible for me to move past it if it’s been years and I haven’t with therapy or something? Or do I need to end this otherwise perfect relationship because of how much this thought bothers me? I’m scared if we break up I’ll never find somebody I’m as attracted to mentally and physically. But if we stay together, what if I’m 40 and having the same thoughts? What if when my bobs actually sag as I age, I start to mull over this thought all over again? I’m so so lost.

TLDR: had a horrible fight with bf, made a mean body comment because ex used to abuse me so I knew no better, to get back at me bf said he would rather have a gf without saggy breasts. He has apologized multiple times but I think about the comment every day and my brain has convinced me it is true now I feel self conscious around him and replay the thought years after the fight. We are perfect in every other way. Do I stay or breakup?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Flyinggoose72983 on 2024-01-12 17:45:51+00:00.

Tldr: My husband's father plans father-son trips abroad, excluding me, which triggers my anxiety. We're inseparable, and my husband is conflicted about going without me. We're looking for a compromise in this tough situation, balancing our needs with his father's wishes.

My husband's father wants to make up for lost time because of his corporate job and wants take my husband on exclusive father-son trips around the world, asking that I not come along. I have a history of trauma, abuse, neglect, and severe anxiety, which flares up at the thought of being apart from my husband. We're inseparable and deeply connected, and my husband even suggested to his father that I could join to take pictures and help him fully enjoy the trip. However, his father insists on it being just the two of them. This puts my husband in a tough spot; he doesn't want to go without me but also doesn't want to disappoint his father. This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them, and I feel incredibly guilty for being so anxious about it. Despite my progress in therapy and understanding of my psychological challenges, I'm really struggling with the idea of this separation. I worry that the anxiety and invasive thoughts might lead me to shut down and distance myself from him when he returns.

After sharing my feelings, my husband has been completely understanding and supportive, even though he had already expressed his reluctance to go without me before we even discussed how upsetting this is for me personally. Now, he's caught in a difficult situation, feeling guilty about either letting down his family or causing me distress. I've told him it's ok and I will figure out a way to cope but he's expressed that there's no way he wants to do these things without me there as well because he wants to enjoy these things with both of the people he loves the most. How does someone move forward with this kind of situation?

Is there a happy middle ground or compromise we can reach? I've told him to go without me and enjoy the trips but he keeps saying he can't if I am excluded yet his father has made it explicitly clear he doesn't want me there. What do I do to make this ok?

Update: I’ll try to answer all of your questions when I have a few minutes later, I did not expect this to get so many opinions but I do want to share some general clarity. 1.) I told him to go without saying anything about my feelings and he was obviously upset about the idea from the start. His father basically forced the idea on him without much room for opinions or options by using a lot of emotional persuasion ie. “this would mean so much to me, it’s such a big milestone in my life, I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time but I’ve finally worked enough” and so on. 2.) I don’t trauma dump on my husband. Honestly he doesn’t even know half of the things I went through because some of them are too traumatic for me to want to share with anyone. I recently told my Dr about some of the things and she was in tears and the nurse standing next to her was in shock so for clarity sake I’d like to make it clear that our relationship does not revolve around these issues as I have set myself up with a good therapist support team. 3.) My husband has made it explicitly clear that even without my issues, he would have more fun with me there and wants to share it together. I have told him to go according to his fathers wishes because I am more terrified of causing a family problem than dealing with my own emotions which I know I can do, I’m just simply scared and sad that I’m scared because I wish I didn’t have to be. He doesn’t know that I feel scared I might shut down because of this. 4.) His father is constantly requesting alone time every time we visit or spend time with them to go do things me and my husband LOVE doing together. This isn’t the first time he’s asked and made us uncomfortable and we have been apart before for things but this is however the first time he’s asking to go overseas and across country and so on which is why it’s come up as something anxiety inducing this time. His father is always trying to get him to move back to the property; live in a house he will build for him or have him move into a house he wants to buy for him. He also wants him to work for him and do the same kinds of jobs that bring in loads of money but are nothing my husband is interested in doing. It’s been an endless barrage of requests and opinions from his side of the family with a lot of heavy expectations.

I hope that brings some clarity while I try to respond to you guys individually. Thank you for your input!

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/PigletMental3008 on 2024-01-11 20:05:24+00:00.

Throwaway because blegh. To start this off, I don't have a bad relationship with my family or anything, we are just not as close as maybe a "normal family". We aren't overly affectionate, it's mostly just being silly and joking around with each other and that's fun.

My dad (56m) is very closed off and unemotional which is kind of like me. I am very unbothered by things unless someone is actively aggravating me or trying to annoy me. My mom (52f) and my siblings (21f, 19f, 16f) are all much closer within their girl group so they talk about boys and all that stuff amongst themselves.

I don't like the idea of involving my family in my personal life because it feels embarrassing and I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I should also mention that my parents are separated, my dad no longer lives with us so in my mind, the rest of them are all happy and bonding and talking about whatever and I am just the closed off person who isn't letting people in.

I don't really know how to describe the feeling of them knowing I want to date people besides maybe awkward? Or embarrassing? I don't know. Communication is weird too because I feel like nobody really listens to me if I am saying something serious or important.

Can someone give me some advice or just slap some sense into me. I don't really know what I need I just know that my thoughts around this are going to hold me back longer and longer if I don't figure something out. I get really anxious thinking about this stuff

TLDR:

I feel really embarrassed(?) wanting to date and having my family know that I am dating or want to date. It feels so weird to make it known that I want companionship, especially when I have seemingly established this idea that I like being alone all the time when its really more just that my family exhausts me sometimes haha. I don't know what I need but this anxiety is delaying my chances of meeting someone and depriving me of such a core experience.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Iamastudent6923 on 2024-01-12 12:13:29+00:00.

TW: domestic abuse, verbal abuse, mentions of self-harm

My parents have been together for 28 years. My father(63m) and my mother(53f) have had a turbulent relationship from the beginning of their (intercaste) marriage. Intercaste marriages in 1995 were taboo, to the point that my father's side of the family did not speak to him for 4-5 years.

For as long as I can remember, my father has hit my mother regularly or semi-regularly. These instances have only grown more frequent with time, and my mother always threatens me against telling anyone I know because she doesn't want to "air our dirty laundry." Despite the regularity with which my father hits my mother, they both stay together.

Whenever my mother fights with my father, she comes to talk to me about him being an asshole and emotionally unavailable. If I don't respond to her, she calls me slurs, and tell me that she hates both me and my father for ruining her life. She threatens self harm. I was 9 when she started discussing self harm in front of me.

My mother had multiple miscarriages before I was born, with one in 2005 preventing her from ever giving birth again. My parents had decided to split in 2008 before my grandparents had told them to "have a child, and everything will sort itself out". So they gave their relationship one last chance when they went for IVF through surrogacy. I was born in 2009. I have been the subject of their fights for years. My mother used to accuse my father of having affairs in front of me when I was only 7. (he has had none)

Personally I think that my mother believes that my father is emotionally distant due to her miscarriages, that she grew increasingly frustrated with herself and began projecting it onto those around her. My father thinks that my mother incessantly nags him, despite him trying to do his best for our family. Although my mother initiates their fights, my father is the first to raise his hand, despite him promising me otherwise.

I suggested couples therapy, but they dismissed the idea insisting that they can handle things on their own. It has been 10 years, they have not 'handled it on their own." Them constantly fighting takes a toll on my father's mental health, my mothers mental health and my mental health. What should I do?

TL;DR: My parents in a 28-year marriage are abusive towards each other and me. My father hits my mother, with growing frequency. They are rejecting the idea of therapy. I love both my parents a lot and don't know how I can help them.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/orange_and_retired on 2024-01-12 12:10:58+00:00.

Okay this is my first time writing one of these so bare with me. I Have just recently broken up with my girlfriend (who was a long time friend before) who I had stared dating a few months before going to college. Our relationship didn’t last long but we had a lot of good times together, she had a troubled past and found comfort in me (this will later become more important). I was fresh out of high school and I had a clear understanding that I wanted to be with this woman forever (now I understand how stupid I was she was only my second girlfriend ever). So a couple months pass and I’ve been in school for a while and I’ve just been really focused. At the time she was working as a waitress at this new fancy restaurant. She had always complained about it not paying well and about how all the old men just stare at her s weirdly, though she is absolutely gorgeous I still believe that, so I tell her ‘why don’t you look for another job’ and she goes off on how hard it is to find a job and how this one pays well. Another month rolls around and I’ve visited her a couple times through the semester. Everything now starts to fall apart once we approach my winter break. Once I’m back on break we hang out my first day back and it was fun but something that sorta threw me off was that she didn’t kiss me at all. I told myself it’s my first day back so she probably didn’t worry about it or maybe she was tired and had a long day. A week goes by and she has been flat out ignoring me. She doesn’t talk to me and she never asked to see me. Christmas comes and I buy her a few presents and when I see her I give them to her and she really liked them, it made me really happy. She told me she left my presents at her parents house and o could get them another time. So I wait days for our next visit only to see her post a 33 year old man on her Snapchat story. Keep in mind our ages. So seeing this I honestly have no reaction to it other than anger. I text her and she doesn’t reply for two days. I end up getting fed up and blocked her. I blocked her on everything except instagram. FIVE WHOLE DAYS PASS. FIVE DAYS worth of me wondering why she did this. All I did Wally in bed and rot. It definitely was a depressive episode but all i needed was clarity so I go off on her on instagram and say mean things. She claps back with calling me a child because I don’t know what it’s like to not have money to eat (there were days I don’t eat or drink anything but the shower water that I used to brush my teeth) she then goes on to say that she wants to keep me to herself to be her guy. She basically admitted to manipulating me and says that I’m ‘too pure’ what the fuck does this mean??? Seriously, I’m too pure for you to love me ? It’s not the fact that you had been cheating on me during my entire break but the fact im too pure for you. I got the awnsers I wanted and I thought I’d move on by now but I haven’t. Should I keep o n trying to forget or do I go down the war path because I spent a lot of money on her for me only being a CHILD. I want those presents she got me just because. Thanks for reading all this I appreciate it 👍

TL;DR; : I date a friend who I knew for a long time, I go to school and she works, I come back over Christmas break and she cheats on me with an older man, I question her and get a reply days later saying I’m ‘too pure’

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRAkitnasona on 2024-01-12 12:10:49+00:00.

Been married for two years. No kids.

If I come back from work and sometimes just simply want to wind down, he just starts talking non stop. Sometimes about heavy topics such as religion, politics, current affairs. It’s also frustrating that he cannot accept that I have different views to him on certain topics. He always has to challenge me and try to get me to agree with him. It ends with him name calling me.

If we are watching TV, he will constantly pause shows/movies to air his opinion which he will go on and on about. E.g. a show that is 30 minutes long, with him it’ll end up taking up to two hours to finish it due to his constant pausing and airing his views.

He spends his free time watching random YouTube videos and podcasts. He always has to share what he watches with me. Sometimes the videos are up to an hour long and he expects me to watch it with him (despite him having seen the video). I do it to make him happy but I’ve also told him not to always do that. I have lots of things I need to be doing and can’t constantly spend my free time watching videos that purely interest him. He gets so offended.

Bear in mind he works 35 hours. 7hr day shifts. I work 12-14 shifts ranging between 3-5x a week. I also do night shifts every other week. So when I’m not at work, I try to sort out any errands, do chores, spend time with him and also have ME time. He doesn’t let me have ME time.

E.g. I just came off nights shifts so naturally on my days off I was awake past midnight. I cleaned the house and finally had some me time by watching TV. He had gone to bed at 9pm. Yet he got angry at me for not coming to bed at the same time as him.

Another time, I spent the whole day cleaning and I only had 3 hour sleep and went to work and had a day full of assessments. I also had to travel far for this. When I eventually came back, he just couldn’t stop talking about HIS day. Again, I listened and eventually an hour later I shut my eyes. I still was listening. He carried on and on. Then he starts playing a video he watched prior and wanted me to watch it too. He made me get up and said it was a quick video. After 5 minutes of watching it, I asked how long is it because I am really tired. He told me it’s 30 minutes long. I said yeah that’s too long right now as I’m really tired. He kicked off so bad by saying “what have you done to be tired”? Followed by him calling me rude and just shouting at me. When I tried to defend myself, he just got more angry. So I stopped saying anything but he still went on and on.

It is also ironic as he’s always whinging that he so fatigued despite never doing night shifts, working less hours than me, and doing less chores than me. He spends his free time watching YouTube videos. I’m always mindful of his space.

• If I’m on my phone in my OWN time after spending the whole day with him, it’s still a problem to him.
• If I make him dinner, he wants us to both eat it at same time even if I’m not hungry
• If I go to the bedroom to get some space, he follows me there
• If am doing chores or cooking multiple dishes at once, he will constantly interrupt me to watch what he’s watching.

Sometimes I would like to just be left alone.

He’s getting out of hand now as when I’ve defended myself even saying that I just want to be left alone; he rings his sibling at midnight or my mum at 3am slating my character. Telling them how things are my fault, I am selfish, how he tries so hard with me. He makes me out to be this toxic villain.

On NYD he did the same thing except in front of his mum and mine. He start shouting, hitting himself, throwing things and said he had contemplated unaliving himself because of me. Naturally both mums were crying and upset. I tried to defend myself but again he would interrupt and get more aggressive so I stopped saying anything.

He called my mum last night again ranting to her. Despite my mum currently being in hospital with my brother right now who just had an operation to remove his cancerous tumour. He also told me that both mums have seen how toxic I am and they seen my true colours because it was ME (according to him) who had been dramatic on NYD. The gaslighting is unreal.

I’ve said I wanted a divorce as this is too much for me. He’s humiliated me in front of family, he minimises my feelings and wants me to be his puppet. I told him I was not going to be emotionally blackmailed by the whole unaliving issue. He told me not to flatter myself.

I just don’t understand how I can get through to him that it’s not working and to move on. On one part he’s always on my case and criticises me yet on the other hand he doesn’t want our marriage to end. I don’t get it.

Tl:dr - husband always wants me to base my life around his needs. He doesn’t stop talking, and constantly criticises me rudely. He’s now began to vilify me in front of family members. I’ve had enough and asked for divorce and he doesn’t to. What do I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/lightsmp7 on 2024-01-12 10:57:34+00:00.

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend that I love for a year, he ticks all the boxes that I wanted in a partner and a future spouse. I remember the first time I met him, I wasn't very attracted to him because to be very honest, he was nothing like my ideal type in terms of appearance. He asked me out really quickly and I agreed to try out. I slowly grew to like him a lot for who he is. We share the same energy and I always thought of him as my soulmate. As my fondness of him grows, he became more attractive to me. I grew to like his appearance a lot and also compliment him very often. Since then, I only envisioned myself growing old with him and I often question how I got so lucky with this man. I never once thought of myself with another guy until I met this new coworker.

I instantly felt very attracted to my coworker's appearance the very first time I met him, because his appearance, physique and style-wise are exactly my type (while my boyfriend isn't, but my boyfriend is very tall like I like). I used to believe that I would never be able to find men other than my boyfriend attractive, but now I know I was wrong. I'm starting to think I have a crush on this new coworker. I did not act on it and do not intend to, as I treasure my boyfriend and despise cheaters. But I can't help but fantasise about the possibility of me and my coworker together. I also find myself comparing their appearances, physiques and styles. I feel horrible for this and wish to stop this crush of mine.

I have pictures of me and my boyfriend on my profile photos (the main profile picture is my own selfie, but if anyone were to check out my profile and swipe to the other pictures, he can see me and my bf in the subsequent photos). I also have a picture of us on my phone lock screen but I rarely have time to use my phone at work, so I'm not sure if my coworker knows I'm attached.

I never once verbally mentioned about my boyfriend to my coworker, I'm not sure whether I'm doing this because I feel awkward bringing up my boyfriend to friends that I am not close with or I have ulterior motives. There were several topics that came up while we were chatting which I could easily mention my boyfriend, but I did not. Maybe because this is my first relationship so I'm still trying to get used to saying the word "boyfriend", I also don't really talk about my boyfriend when I'm with any of my friends because I believe there is no need for that.

I believe I developed this crush purely out of attraction to someone whose appearance and physique is my ideal type, not because of any of my boyfriend's shortcomings or dissatisfaction in the relationship. Me and my boyfriend rarely quarrel and we do not have problems in our relationship at all. One possible problem in our relationship not worth mentioning here is that I might not want a child in the future while it has always been my boyfriend's dream to be a father. We have discussed about this many times and can't come to a solution, and we agreed to stay together and see how it goes, either I end up changing my mind or he will have to accept not being a father. He says that he will always choose me over a child, but I can tell he really wants to be a father, but I digress.

I understand that this is emotional cheating in a way. Is there anything I can do to put an end to this? I can't distant myself from my coworker as both of our roles work very closely in the office. Please give advices and refrain from making hateful speeches.

**TL;DR; : I have a crush on my coworker while being in a fulfilling relationship with my boyfriend of one year, I fantasise a lot about me and my coworker getting together**.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/tpxzny on 2024-01-12 10:53:53+00:00.

I (22M) have been dating my girlfriend for about 4 months now. Throughout the months I've noticed these so called "red flags" that she may not be completely over her ex. Their relationship was 2 years long, ended about a year ago. LDR. Never met.

A few red flags point that I may be in a rebound relationship. However, every time I try to leave or try to talk about how we should just go on our own ways, she tells me how much she loves me and does not want to move on. She does not want any guy friends and only wants to talk to me. If she is able to get attention from other guys (which I've seen her getting them easily from multiple people), why would she want to be with me given that it is probably a rebound relationship?

TL;DR I am not sure what to do. I am not sure if this is just a manipulation tactic as others have allured.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Iamastudent6923 on 2024-01-12 12:13:29+00:00.

TW: domestic abuse, verbal abuse, mentions of self-harm

My parents have been together for 28 years. My father(63m) and my mother(53f) have had a turbulent relationship from the beginning of their (intercaste) marriage. Intercaste marriages in 1995 were taboo, to the point that my father's side of the family did not speak to him for 4-5 years.

For as long as I can remember, my father has hit my mother regularly or semi-regularly. These instances have only grown more frequent with time, and my mother always threatens me against telling anyone I know because she doesn't want to "air our dirty laundry." Despite the regularity with which my father hits my mother, they both stay together.

Whenever my mother fights with my father, she comes to talk to me about him being an asshole and emotionally unavailable. If I don't respond to her, she calls me slurs, and tell me that she hates both me and my father for ruining her life. She threatens self harm. I was 9 when she started discussing self harm in front of me.

My mother had multiple miscarriages before I was born, with one in 2005 preventing her from ever giving birth again. My parents had decided to split in 2008 before my grandparents had told them to "have a child, and everything will sort itself out". So they gave their relationship one last chance when they went for IVF through surrogacy. I was born in 2009. I have been the subject of their fights for years. My mother used to accuse my father of having affairs in front of me when I was only 7. (he has had none)

Personally I think that my mother believes that my father is emotionally distant due to her miscarriages, that she grew increasingly frustrated with herself and began projecting it onto those around her. My father thinks that my mother incessantly nags him, despite him trying to do his best for our family. Although my mother initiates their fights, my father is the first to raise his hand, despite him promising me otherwise.

I suggested couples therapy, but they dismissed the idea insisting that they can handle things on their own. It has been 10 years, they have not 'handled it on their own." Them constantly fighting takes a toll on my father's mental health, my mothers mental health and my mental health. What should I do?

TL;DR: My parents in a 28-year marriage are abusive towards each other and me. My father hits my mother, with growing frequency. They are rejecting the idea of therapy. I love both my parents a lot and don't know how I can help them.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/tpxzny on 2024-01-12 09:38:26+00:00.

I have been with my GF for 4 months now. We are LDR. Everything has been going great. However, she has tendency to lie. Those lies are not necessarily to cover up her bad-doings (which she has done before), but rather can be something something so casual.

Her and I had a serious conversation about this and she blames it on her parents for raising her in an environment where she was constantly lied to. I do agree that childhood trauma is real, but I am not sure how to go about this.

Also, whenever her and I argue, I used to get disrespectful and rude towards her which obviously exacerbated the issue. She says she is scared of how I will react to things and how it will impact our relationship.

Since then, I have fixed the issue but the issue of her lying seems to be the stagnant. There is a little progression, but I am just not sure what to do. She says she will fix it and she is working on them. I understand relationship's foundation is built on trust. I am just not sure what to do despite the paragraphs she writes how she will change and begs me to stay in the relationship.

TL;DR My GF has a terrible tendency to lie about something very casual, and I am not sure how to go about this.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/orange_and_retired on 2024-01-12 12:10:58+00:00.

Okay this is my first time writing one of these so bare with me. I Have just recently broken up with my girlfriend (who was a long time friend before) who I had stared dating a few months before going to college. Our relationship didn’t last long but we had a lot of good times together, she had a troubled past and found comfort in me (this will later become more important). I was fresh out of high school and I had a clear understanding that I wanted to be with this woman forever (now I understand how stupid I was she was only my second girlfriend ever). So a couple months pass and I’ve been in school for a while and I’ve just been really focused. At the time she was working as a waitress at this new fancy restaurant. She had always complained about it not paying well and about how all the old men just stare at her s weirdly, though she is absolutely gorgeous I still believe that, so I tell her ‘why don’t you look for another job’ and she goes off on how hard it is to find a job and how this one pays well. Another month rolls around and I’ve visited her a couple times through the semester. Everything now starts to fall apart once we approach my winter break. Once I’m back on break we hang out my first day back and it was fun but something that sorta threw me off was that she didn’t kiss me at all. I told myself it’s my first day back so she probably didn’t worry about it or maybe she was tired and had a long day. A week goes by and she has been flat out ignoring me. She doesn’t talk to me and she never asked to see me. Christmas comes and I buy her a few presents and when I see her I give them to her and she really liked them, it made me really happy. She told me she left my presents at her parents house and o could get them another time. So I wait days for our next visit only to see her post a 33 year old man on her Snapchat story. Keep in mind our ages. So seeing this I honestly have no reaction to it other than anger. I text her and she doesn’t reply for two days. I end up getting fed up and blocked her. I blocked her on everything except instagram. FIVE WHOLE DAYS PASS. FIVE DAYS worth of me wondering why she did this. All I did Wally in bed and rot. It definitely was a depressive episode but all i needed was clarity so I go off on her on instagram and say mean things. She claps back with calling me a child because I don’t know what it’s like to not have money to eat (there were days I don’t eat or drink anything but the shower water that I used to brush my teeth) she then goes on to say that she wants to keep me to herself to be her guy. She basically admitted to manipulating me and says that I’m ‘too pure’ what the fuck does this mean??? Seriously, I’m too pure for you to love me ? It’s not the fact that you had been cheating on me during my entire break but the fact im too pure for you. I got the awnsers I wanted and I thought I’d move on by now but I haven’t. Should I keep o n trying to forget or do I go down the war path because I spent a lot of money on her for me only being a CHILD. I want those presents she got me just because. Thanks for reading all this I appreciate it 👍

TL;DR; : I date a friend who I knew for a long time, I go to school and she works, I come back over Christmas break and she cheats on me with an older man, I question her and get a reply days later saying I’m ‘too pure’

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/SincerelySasquatch on 2024-01-12 09:07:09+00:00.

35F. I was married to an cheating addict liar for 8 years. From that I know my rules are: I have 0 tolerance for lying or cheating and would potentially be with an addict if he's well into recovery. In october i ended a relationship with a guy i loved but who was lying about cocaine use. I've been talking to another guy for a few months. He's from a country where 40% of men surveyed say controlling women is part of masculinity. Either way, I have no lifelong future with him because he feels obligated to eventually marry a woman from his culture. However, we are very into each other for what it is.

He's caring, sensitive and i believe honest and loyal. We exchange i love you's and care a lot about each other, but he's controlling. I think he isn't aware he is. He's fine with me seeing whatever friends I want, even with me seeing my other fwb. I can have whatever life I want, but where he's controlling is, when he wants me to do something, he gets pretty mad if i say no. He doesn't tell me what NOT to do, but he does think he can tell me what TO do. He says he feels loved if i do what he asks of me, and i can tell he takes it personally if i tell him no. He will downright throw a little hissy fit. I'm trying to work on this with him and he's been listening to me tell him that's not a way to be and seems receptive, but i also believe that, although you can hope for change, you can't expect people to change, you have to take them as they are.

So if this is who he is... How do I know if this is something I should consider tolerating? I feel like every human is fucked up and everyone has toxic traits, I've lived enough of life to know that. But i often give people the benefit of the doubt, and have tolerated way more from men than I should have. I'm done giving assholes the time of day. Thoughts?

Tl;dr everyone has asshole traits. How do I decide which asshole traits to tolerate? Should i tolerate this guy's asshole trait?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRAkitnasona on 2024-01-12 12:10:49+00:00.

Been married for two years. No kids.

If I come back from work and sometimes just simply want to wind down, he just starts talking non stop. Sometimes about heavy topics such as religion, politics, current affairs. It’s also frustrating that he cannot accept that I have different views to him on certain topics. He always has to challenge me and try to get me to agree with him. It ends with him name calling me.

If we are watching TV, he will constantly pause shows/movies to air his opinion which he will go on and on about. E.g. a show that is 30 minutes long, with him it’ll end up taking up to two hours to finish it due to his constant pausing and airing his views.

He spends his free time watching random YouTube videos and podcasts. He always has to share what he watches with me. Sometimes the videos are up to an hour long and he expects me to watch it with him (despite him having seen the video). I do it to make him happy but I’ve also told him not to always do that. I have lots of things I need to be doing and can’t constantly spend my free time watching videos that purely interest him. He gets so offended.

Bear in mind he works 35 hours. 7hr day shifts. I work 12-14 shifts ranging between 3-5x a week. I also do night shifts every other week. So when I’m not at work, I try to sort out any errands, do chores, spend time with him and also have ME time. He doesn’t let me have ME time.

E.g. I just came off nights shifts so naturally on my days off I was awake past midnight. I cleaned the house and finally had some me time by watching TV. He had gone to bed at 9pm. Yet he got angry at me for not coming to bed at the same time as him.

Another time, I spent the whole day cleaning and I only had 3 hour sleep and went to work and had a day full of assessments. I also had to travel far for this. When I eventually came back, he just couldn’t stop talking about HIS day. Again, I listened and eventually an hour later I shut my eyes. I still was listening. He carried on and on. Then he starts playing a video he watched prior and wanted me to watch it too. He made me get up and said it was a quick video. After 5 minutes of watching it, I asked how long is it because I am really tired. He told me it’s 30 minutes long. I said yeah that’s too long right now as I’m really tired. He kicked off so bad by saying “what have you done to be tired”? Followed by him calling me rude and just shouting at me. When I tried to defend myself, he just got more angry. So I stopped saying anything but he still went on and on.

It is also ironic as he’s always whinging that he so fatigued despite never doing night shifts, working less hours than me, and doing less chores than me. He spends his free time watching YouTube videos. I’m always mindful of his space.

• If I’m on my phone in my OWN time after spending the whole day with him, it’s still a problem to him.
• If I make him dinner, he wants us to both eat it at same time even if I’m not hungry
• If I go to the bedroom to get some space, he follows me there
• If am doing chores or cooking multiple dishes at once, he will constantly interrupt me to watch what he’s watching.

Sometimes I would like to just be left alone.

He’s getting out of hand now as when I’ve defended myself even saying that I just want to be left alone; he rings his sibling at midnight or my mum at 3am slating my character. Telling them how things are my fault, I am selfish, how he tries so hard with me. He makes me out to be this toxic villain.

On NYD he did the same thing except in front of his mum and mine. He start shouting, hitting himself, throwing things and said he had contemplated unaliving himself because of me. Naturally both mums were crying and upset. I tried to defend myself but again he would interrupt and get more aggressive so I stopped saying anything.

He called my mum last night again ranting to her. Despite my mum currently being in hospital with my brother right now who just had an operation to remove his cancerous tumour. He also told me that both mums have seen how toxic I am and they seen my true colours because it was ME (according to him) who had been dramatic on NYD. The gaslighting is unreal.

I’ve said I wanted a divorce as this is too much for me. He’s humiliated me in front of family, he minimises my feelings and wants me to be his puppet. I told him I was not going to be emotionally blackmailed by the whole unaliving issue. He told me not to flatter myself.

I just don’t understand how I can get through to him that it’s not working and to move on. On one part he’s always on my case and criticises me yet on the other hand he doesn’t want our marriage to end. I don’t get it.

Tl:dr - husband always wants me to base my life around his needs. He doesn’t stop talking, and constantly criticises me rudely. He’s now began to vilify me in front of family members. I’ve had enough and asked for divorce and he doesn’t to. What do I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Far-Improvement2462 on 2024-01-12 11:34:58+00:00.

(20m) I recently started taking to a girl (23f) abt 2 weeks ago, I feel like we have a connection. She leaves for basic training on the 15th. I enjoy talking to her very much but we haven’t even met yet. I asked her if she wanted to go on a date and we figured out where we’re going but haven’t decided on a day yet.

I was hopping on taking her on a date before she heads to basic but she’s has been really busy packing and moving stuff to storage, and hasn’t been able to respond like she did. I’m very shy so asking her on a date was a big big leap for me, and I overthink A LOT and when she doesn’t respond for more than three hours. It makes me feel like she’s not interested anymore, but at the same time I know she’s busy and probably doesn’t have as much time to respond but she’s eventually does and it’s brightens up my day every time. it’s only been happening the past two days. I very well could be tripping and overthinking again but she would technically be my first real relationship and I’d prefer not to mess it up.

My mother taught me if I’m going to love someone love them for who they are and take things slow, she’s is very kind and seems to be the loving person. So……. of course I’m going to take things slow and actually get to know who she is. I just worry she not going to feel the same after BMT and tech school. I know I may not be anyone’s first choice but I’m not a bad looking person but although I recently needed to get my pinky amputated from my nail to my second knuckle so it looks like a nub I’m able to move and she knew that from the beginning and I don’t think she minds it but I also worry abt what happens if she meets someone in basic.

Idrk I very well possibly could be overthinking it like a mf but idk. Does anyone have advice??? I don’t know if any of this makes sense I’ve been up all night just thinking about it. TL;DR

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Odd-Bridge9457 on 2024-01-12 09:11:45+00:00.

Let me start this by saying me (18f) and my boyfriend (18m) are long distance, if that’s at all relevant. Okay so, I have been in my current relationship for just over 6 months, and this is my first ever relationship. Things have been going really well, nothing has ever really gone wrong or anything, until recently. So, my boyfriend made a pretty suggestive joke when we were on call together, and I told him I didn’t appreciate it and that I wanted him to stop and he said that he would, but then a week later he made another similar joke, it was not a sexually suggestive joke but one that suggested he might have feelings towards somebody else. I pointed it out to him and said I was hurt as he knew it bothered me that he made jokes like that and then he did it again. He felt terrible about it and apologised and said that he said it without thinking and that he was worried that he had broken my trust because he said that he wouldn’t do it and then did it. So he said he would do anything to gain my trust back. We moved on from all of that, and things were good again for a while, and then I find out that whenever he tells me that he is happy and he is fine, he’s been telling his best friend how upset he is. Not why he’s upset, just that he is, but the fact that he doesn’t tell me upsets me quite a bit because now I don’t know whether or not I can trust that he isn’t upset when he says that he isn’t. He said that he never told me because he doesn’t want to burden me, but I worry maybe that’s not the reason, but even if it is, I want him to talk to me about things if there is anything going on with him, and I’m worried that there is a lot going on. I’ve talked to him about it and he said he will tell me when he is upset and stuff, but after all of this it’s quite a bit harder to trust him. I love him very much though, and I don’t want things to end with him, I just don’t know how to move on from this. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

tl;dr: How do I trust my boyfriend again and how do I get him to open to me if he is upset/there are things on his mind?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/SensitiveMarzipan656 on 2024-01-12 07:39:10+00:00.

I know what you’re thinking, typical girl delusional over the ex but please hear me out! I (19 F) was dating my boyfriend (19 M) long distance for about 8 months before I broke up with him due to arguing during a really tense time in my life. He was honestly being a jerk at the time so I just felt overwhelmed and dumped him. I was his first serious relationship so I kind of chalked it up to inexperience. Fast forward to now (6 months later) and he’s come back during winter break and we’ve reconnected. We talked things out and he sincerely apologized so I’ve decided to forgive him and we both agreed to work things out and have gotten back together. The real problem here is my friends, who have all disapproved and basically called me an idiot for getting back with him. I have anxiety so it’s been freaking me out that all my close friends doubt our relationship (saying it’s because of his behavior in the past with me) and tell me they are just trying to protect me. At this point I feel it’s a bit odd since they are all close friends with him and still hang out with him, yet act like they don’t like him when I bring him up. I’m not sure if it’s just the fact that he’s my ex (one of my friends has had a bad experience in the past with their friends on and off relationship) or if he’s actually untrustworthy. I’m his first real girlfriend but I’ve had relationships before and I feel that I trust him and really do love him, even after all this time. He genuinely does treat me well so it’s annoying that they just make these offhand jabs even though I avoid bringing him up. I feel like he deserves a second chance and we’ve been through a lot together, but ofc I value my friends opinions. Should I just trust my gut and make my own decisions? Like am I just letting my anxiety get to me? Or am I delusional to give an ex a second chance??? Sorry for the long post this is just really stressing me out :(

TLDR: Me and my ex got back together, I trust and love him but my friends are freaking me out and making me doubt everything by making sly comments.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/dougtrudyjudy on 2024-01-12 06:58:14+00:00.

I (36, F) escaped an abusive 11 year relationship at the start of 2023. Needless to say, it caused a lot of trauma and I did not want to go near any men.

Fast forward to mid 2023 and I made a very strong bond with a man who looks after my children (8, M & 6,M) in an educational environment. My boys absolutely love this man and he has been more of a parent to them than the actual dad. Unfortunately I found out he was married, however we continued to be flirtaous and message each other. I ultimately decided to address what was going on and was told that it wasn't reciprocated and that he was very sorry, he did not mean to lead me on. A little heartbroken, but having closure, I moved on. This man was on leave for around 5 weeks and I did not see or speak to him in this time.

When he returned, he immediately began messaging me again. I was cautious and had my guard up, however since August the messaging became more frequent and crossed many emotional boundaries. Thoroughly confused again, I called him out on his behaviour at the end of the year, when he admitted that he has feelings for me and did since the last time I had addressed the issue. We decided to cut off contract, except that proved incredibly difficult and would sporadically talk still.

Last week I wrote him a message saying that this wasn't healthy for me, that it was very hurtful and hard and it needed to be over with. He agreed, but left a lot of opportunity to still have contact, such as 'if you need me, I'm here' and saying how difficult he is finding it to let me go, and wouldn't block me. I then asked him to, and although he said he would, he didn't, until we next saw each other (in the educational setting) when I was quite cold towards him. He then immediately blocked me back.

I have to see this man everyday. I am struggling so much with not having contact with him and letting him go when I cannot get space from him. I have realised I am in love with this man, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Everything in me says this person is my person. I know how ridiculous this sounds, I'm not looking for a way to continue the affair, but rather how on earth I am supposed to let it go when he is such a big part of mine and my children's life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

TLDR; Need to let go of an emotional affair of 7+ months, but unsure how to move on when I see this person every single day.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Business-Show1163 on 2024-01-12 05:26:05+00:00.

I (26 F) tell him (34 M) i had casual sex with my older brother's best friend 1 month ago.

We're not in a relationship, it's just something casual and platonic.

I just need some advice. We had unprotected sex, and now my period is two weeks late. I want to take a pregnancy test, but I honestly don't know if I should tell him.

I was thinking about taking the test without telling him, but I talked to a friend and she said I should tell him.

So now I'm having this doubt, if I should tell him or just wait for the result.

(English is not my first language, but I'll try to be as clear as possible, I'll answer any questions in the comments).

TLDR I'm not sure if I should tell him I'm taking a pregnancy test, or if I should wait for the result before talking to him.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Chemical_Bottle_3909 on 2024-01-12 02:56:31+00:00.

Tl;dr: I think I need to end things with my girlfriend but I am unable to do so without feeling like I am abandoning her like a parent abandoning their child.

My girlfriend and I have been in a LDR for about 2 years now. It’s been really tough on us. We get along great, love each other, and have a lot in common but she also has this habit of constantly lying, mostly for little insignificant things. In the past few months, there were a few incidents where she lied about things that were not so little and it broke the trust I had in her. I don’t know if I can ever fully trust her and even if we want to try and fix it, I don’t think it’s possible to do it long distance. I don’t want to become the paranoid obsessive boyfriend because that’s just not who I am. In addition to this, there are also other reasons which has made it clear that our lives are moving in different directions and what we want out of life aren’t the same.

When I think about ending it, yes, I definitely feel hurt because we love each other so much and we’ve been through a lot of ups and downs together. However, I also feel this intense guilt when I think about breaking up with her because it almost feels like I am abandoning someone who is genuinely helpless. Her life was a mess prior to us meeting and I do believe that over the course of our relationship, I’ve helped her get her life in order (physically, mentally, financially, and professionally). She’s far more independent and mature now as a person and I love that. But her and I also have a lot of moments where we are just silly and goofy with each other because we both have a childish side to ourselves when we are alone.

The thought of breaking up doesn’t feel like I am letting go of an equal, mature adult but as though I am letting go of a helpless little child. I don’t know if this has something to do with our respective childhood traumas (my parents are divorced, father walked out on us. My gf’s father emotionally unavailable and sometimes emotionally abusive).

Is this normal? How do I get over this feeling so that I can do what’s best for both of us?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Foreign_Clock7942 on 2024-01-12 02:43:20+00:00.

As I said my bf has been saying for pretty much the ~2 years we have been together that he will try and stop watching porn. However, every couple of months he will confess to me he slipped up and watched like a few clips or videos. He's usually pretty good at telling me but sometimes it takes him a day to say it because he knows it upsets me. I ask why he doesn't avoid those pages and he said he thought he could control himself.... why even go on them in the first place if you know it upsets me and you promised to stop?? Then I'll be like why didn't you come to your senses and stop when you opened the page at any point? And he will say that because he had already started and I would already be upset with him he might as well keep going?!?! Like I feel so betrayed and disrespected. He hadn't watched it in a while then he confessed to me he watched it again last night, I'm starting to get really sick of it. I'm already extremely insecure and him looking at other women and pleasuring himself sets my selfesteem to a real low. Last night I feel he went a step too far though... I stream when i game sometimes for fun and last night he had my stream minimised as he watched porn!! How could he say when he watches it its separate from how he feels for me?? How could be bring himself to watch it and climax while he could hear my voice from another tab/see my face in the corner of his screen..... I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to break up with his cause I love him, but I don't think I can keep doing this. Basically every time he tells me he relapsed I have dreams of him mercilessly cheating on me. It really gets to me and how I view myself. He says I should support him in trying to end his addiction, and I make taboo by getting upset which adds to the excitement... idk what to do about this. He's generally good to me... he's had issues with porn since before we met and it's gotten better but I just feel so heartbroken.

TL;DR: I don't feel like I can take my bf watching porn anymore due to its affect on my mental health... should I break up with him?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/No-Particular-3937 on 2024-01-11 12:55:50+00:00.

My girlfriend tends to play with my lips when we kiss. She sometimes uses her thumb to gently pull my lower lip down and kiss the inner lip. I’m OK with that, but when she does the same with the upper lip is when it gets weird.

I don’t know if it’s the shape of lips or what but when she pulls on the lower one, it kinda all folds down regardless of where she pulls from. With the upper one, only a part folds up depending on where she pulls from, often blocking one of my nostrils. She also has to hold it there so she ends up pushing a bit on my nose, which combined with her pecking or licking that area, it just feels awkward and ridiculous.

Picturing her pushing her tongue upward to lick the space between my gums and upper lip makes me laugh. Recently I told her it was because she was tickling me, but it was because I was imagining how silly we look.

She enjoys it a lot so I’ve been putting off telling her that I kinda don’t.

How do I tell her that I don’t actually like this in a kinda way?

tl;dr: Girlfriend pulls up my upper lip to kiss or lick that area and it’s awkward and silly. How to kindly tell her I don’t like it?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA23467890 on 2024-01-11 23:40:58+00:00.

My bf and i have been together for 4 years now and we have had some issues in the past and broke up once because he cheated on me but we got back together because we truly wanted to be together and I thought we would stay together for a long time. But recently, I have been having doubts. It just feels like there’s something missing. It’s like I can’t imagine ending our relationship but i have a hard time seeing a future with him. it’s sometimes hard to imagine him and i having a family together. Do i stay in the moment because i feel safe or do we break up because i don’t feel 100% committed to a long term/ forever relationship with him. he’s my 1st serious relationship i’ve had as well so idk if this is normal to feel. So should i stay and see if things get better or leave? Also is it pretty rare to marry your first love? Do i need to experience multiple loves to know what i truly want ?

TL;DR: I(20F) feel like i can’t see a future with my bf (22M) and like something is missing

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/WillingAdeptness5943 on 2024-01-12 08:33:41+00:00.

I am a male(20) and I have been with a girl(23) from the past 5 months. Recently I broke with her. My situation is hella complicated. We met while playing badminton. We started talking, became friends and after a month exchanged our Instagram username. After texting with her for 2 weeks on Instagram I confessed that I liked her and the next day she accepted. First month went smooth. It was only in the second month things went downhill. I would ask her to go out for walking. She said she will join me but at the last moment when I was all ready and dressed up she would cancel the plan. This same situation happened for four more times.. This bothered me cause she just lived 2 min away from my place. When asked she said that she was too afraid of going out with me. Now I can't say whether she was afraid of me or that her family would find out that she's dating. Once she mentioned that she was craving for Pani Puri and asked me to take her out. Later I was the one waiting 2 hours for her to show up and then return back to my house. When confronted she casually said that we was just kidding and I shouldn't have taken it seriously Nevertheless I thought of forgetting all of these and focus ahead. It was around this time we thought that we should make each other aware of each other's past. I told her everything about my ex-girlfriends but when I asked her she said she only dated her neighbour for four years. However 3 weeks later she accidentally said she had another ex-boyfriend. I forced her to say everything. She hesitated and later confessed that she had dated another guy for a year. At this time I was really confused as what was going on with her and why she had been hiding these things from me. And finally just 2 weeks ago we were randomly talking at night having some *** conversations. After a bit of forcing and asking she revealed that she isn't a virgin. She had lost her virginity to her first ex-boyfriend. This really made my blood boil. Not because she had sex but because she lied to me that she was a virgin . Now I have called off the relationship. I was too tired to deal with her again. The worst part is she is constantly texting and calling me, asking to come back with her and forget everything about her past. I am so damn confused right now. I don't feel like continuing anymore and one the other hand I can't even block her.

TLDR; My girlfriend is hiding her past, never went out with me, says she's too afraid to go out, lying about her previous sexual relationships.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Lloydy96 on 2024-01-12 08:33:06+00:00.

My girlfriend(25) and I (28) are in the middle of buying a house in the UK. November/Decemeber was a pretty hectic time for and I did say to her that maybe it isn’t the best time to buy dude to UK economic climate and it restricts our freedom.

As Christmas was a busy one we just went with it but after Christmas I started to think of getting a house was the right decision. I’ve always wanted to travel but went straight into a career where I’m doing well so never got the chance.

I don’t know whether to wait for a house until I’m 30 and go travelling next year or get this house, try and rent it (not knowing if we can or can’t) or when the two year fixed rate is up we sell it and I’ll travel at 29/30.

I feel time is more on her side here as I’m not sure I want to be travelling in my 30s as I do want kids and settle down at some point.

What’s your thoughts?

Tl;dr buying a house but now want to travel in next 1/2 years, not sure what to do