Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/InfiniteLandscape227 on 2024-01-10 18:22:19+00:00.

I am an overthinker that's why I mentioned ''ignoring'. He was overworked and has to study too. But I think of it as ignoring because he could have texted for atleast for 5 minutes?!

We talk very frequently btw, almost every 2 days. We had some arguments and fights in the last month but we sorted them out but now he ignored me for 2-3 weeks.

The thing is I don't want to be rude to him or ignore him back. I want to act hurt (because I am) but at the same time I want to stay confident and not be desperate. How do I convey this to him when he contacts me again, which he said he will in the weekends?

TLDR: crush doesn't contact me for weeks. When he contacts me again I want to show him that I am hurt but at the same time I want to be confident and not be desperate. How do I do this?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Either_Remote1341 on 2024-01-10 18:19:38+00:00.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now, things were great between us but recently we had a discussion about what the future has in store for us.

She told me that she’s in a lot of extra curricular activities, clubs and whatnot. Which is fine, I like that she has her own life. She told me she cannot see that changing once she goes to college in six months, that she might not have time for me.

I understand college is much harder than highschool, which is why I’m willing to compromise, I offered multiple solutions being that we could rent a place near her campus as roommates, if she wanted to stay in campus dorms I could see about renting a place near on my own. If I could do that, as long as it’s a 5 hour drive or under, I could visit her every 4 weeks or sooner.

I told her we should have this discussion once we get to it, as relationships are based on emotion not logic, so we should see how it’s going once she gets to college, and then have this discussion.

I live my life with my partner as my priority. When I’m working, it’s to support our life together. If I’m a stay at home husband, it’s to give us a nice home. And with all of that, I understand I everybody can’t live the same way as me. I understand that the way I live is really unexpected and so I’m fine being fourth priority, but she’s told me that she doesn’t want to break up, just that I should expect it.

I don’t see a point being with someone that not only doesn’t see a future with me, she isn’t even willing to fight for it in the case that she must.

That being said, I really love this girl. Not in an obsessive way like I’m blind to everything she does, she’s incredibly different from anything I’ve ever experienced in any catagory of life and I make sure she knows that. Both of us don’t want to end it, but I don’t know how to tell her that I need her to fight

TLDR: my girlfriend is expecting to break up before college

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/TrailBlazers_P on 2024-01-10 18:11:51+00:00.

Hi. I (19M) have been with my (19F) gf for 3 years now. We've been through some stuff but always pushed past it, but now the intrusive thoughts in her mind are becoming too suffocating to deal with. She has a ROCD-style anxiety, by that I mean she takes probably every chance she can to worry about bad stuff I could hide, do etc. Mainly trust issues things.

Don't get me wrong we love each other deeply and it is in no way shame or form a toxic relationship, in fact she wants to basically break up so I don't have to suffer for her worries, and she stops having them controlling her. I'm convinced this is not the way to go, but therapy is also a bit too expensive at the moment.

I don't think breaking up is gonna fix anything, that behaviour will just pop up again with another relationship. I used to have these worrying thoughts all the time when the relationship started, she didn't. I slowly overcame them by paying more attention to myself and all around improving my life.

She's trying to do the same. But we need help. What's the right thing to do here? Can we help each other?

TLDR gf has too many intrusive thoughts for a stable relationship after 3 years, what to do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/cai_loser22 on 2024-01-10 18:08:45+00:00.

It’s been a year. He cheated on me and left me and I was in love with him. I don’t miss him or anything and I don’t want him back but when I think about that time of my life (say a memory gets triggered) I get upset remembering how he cheated on me. I’ve moved on, have a great bf, a great life now. But sometimes I still get upset when I think about how my ex cheated on me. I explained this to my bf now and he doesn’t really understand. Is there a better way to explain this to him. I definitely don’t want him thinking I’m hung up on my ex, I told him about how I used to love him and then he cheated on me… I did cry a little remembering this stuff and I reassured my bf I wasn’t crying because I missed my ex I was crying because of all the pain the memories held. I’m in therapy to understand my trauma and pain. But my bf doesn’t get why I would cry explaining the pain that my ex brought me and why I get upset when I remember he cheated on me. Any advice on how to better explain this?

Tl;dr: I teared up explaining to my bf how badly my ex hurt me after cheating on me. Bf doesn’t quite understand how I’m over him if I still hurt over the fact he cheated on me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/anon_2820 on 2024-01-10 17:43:38+00:00.

My husband and I have one daughter, but my husband refuses to have any more kids and I don't know how I can cope with that.

Being a mother and having lots of kids has always been my biggest dream in life. I made that very clear to my husband at the onset of our relationship. He was divorced, 13 years older than me, and already had one child- so I really wanted to make sure we were on the same page with what we wanted and he understood my non-negotiables. He said he was totally on-board and even after we had our first and were house-hunting, he would turn down houses if he thought they wouldn't work for another kid. Our marriage did go through a VERY rough patch after having our daughter because I suffered from post-partum depression/anxiety. We restored our relationship, and after I started medication, I became an amazing mother and love it more than I have ever loved anything.

When my daughter turned 2 and I was ready to start thinking about trying for another, my husband informed me he was done and was not capable of having another child. It is nothing about finances- he just says he does not have the capacity. This absolutely devastates me- not only for myself, but for my daughter. She would make the best big sister ever and I want her to have a sibling to grow up with. We do have my step-daughter with us half the time and they get along great, but she is 6 years older and not consistently here.

I have tried for 2 years to get him to change his mind. I have told him we can get lots of help, we both get much longer family leave now, my parents live closer to us now- I even told him I will do all of the work, but nothing will make him even consider it. He also refuses to go to therapy to help work through this issue.

I feel so stuck. I am 38 and it will get harder and harder to conceive until that door closes. He is 51 now and will only get older. I understand him feeling too old, but he chose to be with me knowing what I needed out of life. He is making a decision for himself, but it very negatively affects me and he does not seem to care. I am in grief and depressed and feel like I cannot forgive him. I have thought about leaving and trying to find someone else, but I want to prioritize the daughter I do have over any of my own feelings. I do not want to break up her family and I also don't want to lose one second of time with her. I know he will want 50/50 custody.

Can I stay in a marriage with someone who is taking away something so important to me? Even if I give up having another child, how can I forgive him for hurting me this much, and refusing to work with me to pick up the pieces?

TL;DR; : My husband agreed to have multiple kids with me and then changed his mind after one- can I forgive him?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/I-didgeridoo-not on 2024-01-10 17:31:40+00:00.

I (36F) am trying to figure out a healthy way for my boyfriend (33M) to mourn his late fiancee (33F).

Today marks the 3 year anniversary of his fiancee's passing. They were together 8 years. The situation was traumatic for him. He's tried some therapy, but he has a very difficult time around this time of the year. As a result, he's been asking to be alone much more often for the last few weeks, taken a lot of time off of work, and isolates himself.

We had planned to spend time together today. I decided to take today off of work and I called him this morning. I asked him if he'd like to do something today in her memory. He went quiet and then told me he was trying not to even think about it, and didn't want to talk about it. I asked him to think about it and it might be good for him. I told him I'd call him back a little later today. He ended the call.

I haven't seen him in a week and a half or so. We would normally hang out pretty often. I respect his privacy and don't want to make any of this more difficult for him. I just want to help in some way. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but his increasing isolation and depression makes me worried. Is there anything else I could suggest besides therapy, or should I just not bring it up at all for the rest of the day?

Tl;dr - Is it right for me to try to help, or should I have completely left this for him to work out on his own?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/stucknsucksthrowaway on 2024-01-10 16:09:14+00:00.

Well, I guess ex best friend, I don't know. I don't know how much detail I want to get into, I don't really know how much is necessary or appropriate to share.

The tl;dr is: My best friend told me I was being too ghostly, and then ghosted me.

We've been friends since middle school. Attached at the hip for years and years. She introduced me to my spouse(K), 9 years ago, and the three of us have been a tight group ever since. Of course, we've had hot and cold moments throughout the years but recently it's the worse it's ever been.

She went through a lot of loss this past year, and K and I have been going through a good bit as well. not death, but planning a wedding, depressive episodes, and just stress of trying to figure out what to do with our lives, we're just scraping by and broke. All of this just caused us not to be there enough. Not reaching out, not reaching back out after she would hit us up, not hanging out. We still were active in her life, helping her move, taking her to appointments, picking her up from the club when she needed a ride. When she needed us we were there or I thought we were.. she ended up talking to us about how we haven't been there enough and assured her it wasn't just a her thing, we were being insufficient in many parts of our lives, but that we would try to get better at messaging back.

A few months went by of not really talking too much, she hasn't reached out at all, K and I got over burdened with end of life care for one of our pets. I reached out to see if she wanted to say goodbye to our pet before being put to sleep, called.... Straight to voicemail.

I thought maybe he phone was off or dead cause that wasn't too uncommon, so I just called a little bit later and still, straight to voicemail. I went to FB messenger cause I would call her on there pretty often, but I couldn't find her chat head. I thought maybe she got rid of messager so I went to Snapchat and couldn't find her and that's when it hit. I checked FB and her profile was gone, Snapchat gone, phone was turning up nothing. Confirmed with a friend that she still has a FB pages, confirming that I had been blocked. Learned the dial tone I heard was what you hear when your number gets blocked. I wasn't blocked on insta or discord so I ended up just reaching out just mentioning that I'm here to talk.

I still haven't heard from her but she did give a short response to a long thoughtful message my spouse sent, confirmming that she's mentally stable, okay, and needs time to talk. I don't know if that applies to me. The only experience I have to being blocked is an ex and her friend, and in those cases it's a just walk away and leave it, that's the end. It's that what I'm supposed to do here? I don't know how to feel or what to do. I have therapy tomorrow but I thought it would be nice to get some different perspectives if anyone has any. What would you do if your best friend blocked you out of the blue?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/lilac2481 on 2024-01-10 17:14:01+00:00.

I have a friend that I met about 3 years ago. She married a man from Pakistan and recently brought him to the states (they met online. He even somehow found her fathers number to try and contact him). She has she wanted to divorce him because he was cheating on her. She went to Pakistan to try and divorce him but came back and said they're still married. I think her parents might have had something to do with it because they have said to her she's over 30 and that's the best she can do. No other man will propose (disgusting I know).

She came over to my house last year for a friendsgiving dinner with my other friend, her husband and my mom's 2 friends.

Later on after they left, my friends husband offered her a ride home. She had her husband on video and they were all talking. The husband mentions when he comes here, he wants to drive me and my other friend around. He says I'll kidnap them ( he said it jokingly). My friends husband did not find that funny and neither did his wife. They said why would you say something like that, it's not a joke you can casually make etc. My friend didn't say anything to defend us at all.

A few months ago, her husband arrives but clearly she's unhappy because he doesn't do shit around the house. He lives with her family. She posts about what she cooks for him because he's a body builder. Even when she's sick, she has to basically drag him to the kitchen to help. When she posts photos, you can clearly see she's not happy.

Recently she messaged my friend and I and said she would love to meet up. We're not comfortable with this, because we don't know if it will be just the 3 of us, or if she'll surprise us and bring her husband. Her other friends from what I hear have met him. We are the only 2 who haven't and do not want to meet him.

TL;DR! My friend has a husband who made a kidnap joke and my friend and I do not want to meet him.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/im_not_bovvered on 2024-01-10 15:48:05+00:00.

Hi all,

I really apologize for the length here and also apologize for any rambling or inarticulate writing. I started dating someone six months ago (I'll call him "Eric") shortly after he and his wife (I'll call her "Sara") separated. They'd opened their marriage up about this time last year, and that ended up only getting worse as they continued to try to date together and separately, and they ultimately separated when Eric had enough. He and I work in the same place and that's how we met, and we spent months getting to know each other before we went out - nothing happened between us until he was separated either, and I actively stayed away from the situation outside of chatting as friends at work. His wife actually wanted to hook up with me first (I'm straight and nothing happened) months before anything happened between us. They have a couple of kids just under 10, and they're working on co-parenting and being friends, which I'm happy to support. She moved out over the summer and found an apartment in the same building, which I think is great for the kids. Sara can be really lovely, but can be an incredibly mean, out-for-blood kind of person, and when she drinks she can do things that are not rational and also risky, to herself and those around her. She's the kind of person who will key your car and then set it on fire when she's mad, and then apologize when she's cooled off, and then 3 weeks later she'll key your new replacement car. Rinse and repeat. Anyhow, Eric told her about me/us a couple of months ago and she's aware we are dating.

Last week on New Years, Eric finally invited me to hang out with him and the kids together. I've met his kids before at work when they've been around and they do know who I am, but this was the first time I was included in his life with them. I have not pushed at all for this because it's not my timeline to push, but I was extremely happy about it and I'm excited to get to know his kids better and do mundane things like have dinner and play Scrabble with them, etc. He told them I was coming and apparently his daughter (8), especially, was really excited about it, but when I got to their front door, Sara made him send me home. He was walking her dog for her because she had the flu, and when he went to return him, she put her foot down about me and told him I was not allowed to be there. She had previously given him permission to have me over when he has the kids and they've gone to bed in the next room, and I've been over there while they've been sleeping (I have not spent the night when he has them, nor have we done anything other than watch tv), so he didn't think there would be a problem. To be fair, I did not know he didn't have her explicit permission for me to be there with them on New Years or I wouldn't have gone over there. Anyway, at the time I didn't know all of this nd we were both really excited and it was a really upsetting situation for everyone, which he apologized profusely for afterward. It was a lapse in his judgment and a misreading of where she was on that subject. When they were still together and he was dating other people (for much less time than we have been), apparently those people could be around his kids, so I felt extra upset and like there was something wrong with me. But I also realize that was a different time and them being separated changes the dynamics, and I'm trying to separate my feelings from what my brain is telling me. They're her kids and she has every right to draw lines (but they are also his kids, and it would be nice if he didn't just have to capitulate to her on everything). They don't have a formal separation agreement or divorce settlement, so he feels a little like when she says jump, he needs to jump. He's trying to keep her happy and keep the peace. He doesn't seem to have any desire to get back together with her, but for some complicated reasons that I won't go into but involve things like health insurance, etc., he has not formally begun the process of divorce yet.

Anyway, because of the kids and their informal arrangement with them (and he works odd hours because of his job), they have keys to each other's apartments and the kids spent time in both places. They have both tried to keep things as comfortable and "normal" for the kids as possible, which I respect. Unfortunately, that means she has full access to his apartment when he's not around, and a few days after New Years, she went through his stuff and all of *our* things that she found in his closet. She read and went through every note, letter, present, momento, and private thing he has kept and acquired from me over the past 6 months (and took pictures of them), and I felt/feel utterly exposed and disrespected, and like he and I have absolutely nothing that is just ours (that's not true because we still have texts - I don't think she's ever been in his phone) but it still was a breach of privacy and, combined with the thing with the kids, I just feel very sad. He and I never started dating until after they were separated, and I have only ever tried to be respectful of her and her wishes, and that obviously isn't going to be returned. There have been other things that have happened between the two of them over the past 6 months that aren't even worth bringing up here, but there have been times that he's tried to go no-contact except when regarding the kids. She's very good at manipulating a situation but there have also been some legitimate events that brought them back to being friendly and talking with each other.

Anyway, from trying to get him to move back in with her to constantly trying to get him to go out with her and do things for her, it doesn't seem like she's accepted that he doesn't want to be married to her anymore, which I do understand to a degree. The end of their marriage was not her idea and I know she's struggled. I was married once and I have compassion for her situation. I also truly don't believe he's been leading her on or anything like that - I obviously am not there to see what happens behind the scenes, but I do believe that the desire to remain married is very one-sided. She bought tickets to something for his birthday earlier this week, but he didn't want to go with her so ended up spending it with his kids without her. Sunday while he was at work, she and the kids decorated his apartment for his bday, which was nice. They are, after all, still friends and a decade long relationship doesn't go away... they will always be in each other's lives, and I don't want to see them lose their friendship. BUT, right now, it feels like they're still in the window where she is very much either trying to get him back or, if she can't, at least make her presence known.

I was over at his apartment last night and walked in to see all the decorations, which he didn't shy away from showing me. In addition to some signs the kids made, Sara hung up all of these pictures she printed out and strung up - it looked like a lot of work and was honestly very nice - and there were many pics of him and his kids. However, there were a ton of pictures of just him clearly taken by a loving wife, and several pictures of them together - her kissing him, etc. I felt so uncomfortable. I know they're not together and he has no intention of going back, but it sure felt like I walked into something a wife puts up for her husband that she very much loves. He's going to leave it up for a long time, I'm sure, because it was really nice of her but also their kids were very much a part of putting that stuff up too. She made him a card that he showed me that was hand drawn and also something you would give someone you're very much still in a romantic relationship with.

I don't feel like I can say anything (I did tell him how I felt about last week because he was also upset about it and it felt like I had the right to weigh in since it involved OUR stuff) because it's not my place. You can't erase a decade of history and feelings, and they both still have love for each other even if they shouldn't be married. I get that. But, she's making it very clear she is not going anywhere, and he's not going to create boundaries with her. I think, for him, it's a combination of being more passive and wanting peace, genuinely wanting to salvage a friendship, and wanting to have a good relationship for the kids. But, I don't know what that means for us. It's only been six months, so I don't feel like it's been long enough to determine if this will be a continued issue, but knowing what I know about Sara, it seems like time isn't going to change this (he thinks it will change when she starts dating someone on her end). I know it's on him to set boundaries, but who knows when that will happen. Six months isn't a lot of time, but I'm not the kind of person who dates around a lot, nor do I fall in love easily. And I am now in love, and I don't particularly want to walk away from him. I want to stick it out and get to know his kids, when and if that eventually happens, and can see a real future with this person. I don't ever want to get married again, so I'm not particularly concerned with the fact they're married on paper. But she will always be there, as she should be. But she's doing so much more than co-parenting right now.

She's made it clear that she's not going quietly into the night when it comes to him, and he's putting up with i...

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwRA_639 on 2024-01-10 17:06:24+00:00.

My BF is currently in a year one job program that ends in September. He constantly says negative phrases like “I’ll never get a job” “No one will hire me” “I have no experience”. I’ve gotten tired of hearing these negative phrases from last year where he felt the same way and even worse while job searching after college.

I’ve told him it’s okay to feel stress and anxious about these topics and express things like “I’m so worried about finding a job” but when it extends to these victim/ absolute hopelessness that it’s not okay for him to say. That it affects both of us negatively and he’s not allowed to say those things because it just brings our energy down.

I’m wondering what to do in this situation, am I being a bad partner pointing out and trying to shut out those toxic thoughts?

I also worry about how my partner may be in the future? I tell myself that once they have a more permanent full time job or experience that they won’t feel this way anymore but are there other situations that come up in life like this?

TLDR: BF says what I consider toxic mindset phrases and I’ve told him to stop. Is that okay?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/whatiswrongwithme372 on 2024-01-10 15:46:11+00:00.

Basically the title. I [29F] been with my partner Tom [31M] for 10 years. There were troubles during our relationship but we always worked through them, well a lot of forgiveness on my part was needed, but we worked through them.

For the last three years he has been everything you look for in a man. He listens, he takes care, we laugh together, he is just perfect. His world revolves around me. And I - I feel the urge to just get out. I dont want to be the center of his world. I want us to be two independent people - that is true for me too.

I want to know who I am without being his girlfriend. But he has very little next to me, no hobbies, not a lot of friends, no close family, I am his everything.

We do live with our cat Cinnamon [19F] in a beautiful big apartment. He loves me more than anything and anyone. But there is this feeling of „I need to get out“ I dont know why and where it comes from. He didnt do anything wrong but I can’t stress that enough I must get out of this. I feel the strong urge to just be alone in my own apartment being me, having a room of my own. I will go crazy if I have to stay there with him. I need to get out, I must get out, I need freedom, I want to do stuff on my own.

I know nothing will be better when I am alone in my one room apartment without a washing machine. But at least it will be MY one bedroom apartment.This might be the greatest mistake that I have ever made. But I feel like I need to make that mistake. I know it will break him, he will be shattered. He already is since I told him I am moving out. I feel like Lily from HIMYM, who went crazy and went to art school and realized that that was a huge mistake.

Reddit. I feel like the worst person on earth.

TL;DR: Despite a great 10-year relationship, I [29F] feel suffocated and the need for independence from my loving partner.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/stucknsucksthrowaway on 2024-01-10 16:09:14+00:00.

Well, I guess ex best friend, I don't know. I don't know how much detail I want to get into, I don't really know how much is necessary or appropriate to share.

The tl;dr is: My best friend told me I was being too ghostly, and then ghosted me.

We've been friends since middle school. Attached at the hip for years and years. She introduced me to my spouse(K), 9 years ago, and the three of us have been a tight group ever since. Of course, we've had hot and cold moments throughout the years but recently it's the worse it's ever been.

She went through a lot of loss this past year, and K and I have been going through a good bit as well. not death, but planning a wedding, depressive episodes, and just stress of trying to figure out what to do with our lives, we're just scraping by and broke. All of this just caused us not to be there enough. Not reaching out, not reaching back out after she would hit us up, not hanging out. We still were active in her life, helping her move, taking her to appointments, picking her up from the club when she needed a ride. When she needed us we were there or I thought we were.. she ended up talking to us about how we haven't been there enough and assured her it wasn't just a her thing, we were being insufficient in many parts of our lives, but that we would try to get better at messaging back.

A few months went by of not really talking too much, she hasn't reached out at all, K and I got over burdened with end of life care for one of our pets. I reached out to see if she wanted to say goodbye to our pet before being put to sleep, called.... Straight to voicemail.

I thought maybe he phone was off or dead cause that wasn't too uncommon, so I just called a little bit later and still, straight to voicemail. I went to FB messenger cause I would call her on there pretty often, but I couldn't find her chat head. I thought maybe she got rid of messager so I went to Snapchat and couldn't find her and that's when it hit. I checked FB and her profile was gone, Snapchat gone, phone was turning up nothing. Confirmed with a friend that she still has a FB pages, confirming that I had been blocked. Learned the dial tone I heard was what you hear when your number gets blocked. I wasn't blocked on insta or discord so I ended up just reaching out just mentioning that I'm here to talk.

I still haven't heard from her but she did give a short response to a long thoughtful message my spouse sent, confirmming that she's mentally stable, okay, and needs time to talk. I don't know if that applies to me. The only experience I have to being blocked is an ex and her friend, and in those cases it's a just walk away and leave it, that's the end. It's that what I'm supposed to do here? I don't know how to feel or what to do. I have therapy tomorrow but I thought it would be nice to get some different perspectives if anyone has any. What would you do if your best friend blocked you out of the blue?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Nananana887 on 2024-01-10 15:20:41+00:00.

I (F28) have been dating him (M28) for 6 months. I am a fearful avoidant and he is very dismissive. I know that he cares for me deeply. He is very consistent with seeing me and never cancels, is not the best texter but makes an effort and treats me like I am special to him. We have a strong emotional connection and can just lie down for hours starting at eachother. The problem is that we have been avoiding having the ”talk” until a couple of days ago when I brought up exclusivity.

He said yes but I sensed a tornado of emotions brewing inside of him. He admitted to being unsure if he is ready for formal commitment, despite not being with anyone else since meeting me. He kept asking himself out loud ”Am I ready” over and over again and got really anxious. He explained that he finds it very hard to trust people and keeps everyone in his life at a distance. He has never been in a long term relationship (max one year) and the last relationship he had was 7 years ago. Strangely I find that this talk brought us closer together and he wouldn’t let go of me for the rest of the night. He told me that he has talked to his parents about me and showed them my pictures. But I still am confused as to where we stand since he kept saying that he doesn’t think he is ready.

I’m at a loss of how to continue. I love him but at the same time this uncertainty is slowly killing me. A lot of dating advice online seems to suggest that a man won’t change his mind if he is still not ready at this point. But I do take some comfort from knowing that his first instinct was to agree even though it caused him so much anxiety.

tl;dr he is not ready to commit after 6 months.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/im_not_bovvered on 2024-01-10 15:48:05+00:00.

Hi all,

I really apologize for the length here and also apologize for any rambling or inarticulate writing. I started dating someone six months ago (I'll call him "Eric") shortly after he and his wife (I'll call her "Sara") separated. They'd opened their marriage up about this time last year, and that ended up only getting worse as they continued to try to date together and separately, and they ultimately separated when Eric had enough. He and I work in the same place and that's how we met, and we spent months getting to know each other before we went out - nothing happened between us until he was separated either, and I actively stayed away from the situation outside of chatting as friends at work. His wife actually wanted to hook up with me first (I'm straight and nothing happened) months before anything happened between us. They have a couple of kids just under 10, and they're working on co-parenting and being friends, which I'm happy to support. She moved out over the summer and found an apartment in the same building, which I think is great for the kids. Sara can be really lovely, but can be an incredibly mean, out-for-blood kind of person, and when she drinks she can do things that are not rational and also risky, to herself and those around her. She's the kind of person who will key your car and then set it on fire when she's mad, and then apologize when she's cooled off, and then 3 weeks later she'll key your new replacement car. Rinse and repeat. Anyhow, Eric told her about me/us a couple of months ago and she's aware we are dating.

Last week on New Years, Eric finally invited me to hang out with him and the kids together. I've met his kids before at work when they've been around and they do know who I am, but this was the first time I was included in his life with them. I have not pushed at all for this because it's not my timeline to push, but I was extremely happy about it and I'm excited to get to know his kids better and do mundane things like have dinner and play Scrabble with them, etc. He told them I was coming and apparently his daughter (8), especially, was really excited about it, but when I got to their front door, Sara made him send me home. He was walking her dog for her because she had the flu, and when he went to return him, she put her foot down about me and told him I was not allowed to be there. She had previously given him permission to have me over when he has the kids and they've gone to bed in the next room, and I've been over there while they've been sleeping (I have not spent the night when he has them, nor have we done anything other than watch tv), so he didn't think there would be a problem. To be fair, I did not know he didn't have her explicit permission for me to be there with them on New Years or I wouldn't have gone over there. Anyway, at the time I didn't know all of this nd we were both really excited and it was a really upsetting situation for everyone, which he apologized profusely for afterward. It was a lapse in his judgment and a misreading of where she was on that subject. When they were still together and he was dating other people (for much less time than we have been), apparently those people could be around his kids, so I felt extra upset and like there was something wrong with me. But I also realize that was a different time and them being separated changes the dynamics, and I'm trying to separate my feelings from what my brain is telling me. They're her kids and she has every right to draw lines (but they are also his kids, and it would be nice if he didn't just have to capitulate to her on everything). They don't have a formal separation agreement or divorce settlement, so he feels a little like when she says jump, he needs to jump. He's trying to keep her happy and keep the peace. He doesn't seem to have any desire to get back together with her, but for some complicated reasons that I won't go into but involve things like health insurance, etc., he has not formally begun the process of divorce yet.

Anyway, because of the kids and their informal arrangement with them (and he works odd hours because of his job), they have keys to each other's apartments and the kids spent time in both places. They have both tried to keep things as comfortable and "normal" for the kids as possible, which I respect. Unfortunately, that means she has full access to his apartment when he's not around, and a few days after New Years, she went through his stuff and all of *our* things that she found in his closet. She read and went through every note, letter, present, momento, and private thing he has kept and acquired from me over the past 6 months (and took pictures of them), and I felt/feel utterly exposed and disrespected, and like he and I have absolutely nothing that is just ours (that's not true because we still have texts - I don't think she's ever been in his phone) but it still was a breach of privacy and, combined with the thing with the kids, I just feel very sad. He and I never started dating until after they were separated, and I have only ever tried to be respectful of her and her wishes, and that obviously isn't going to be returned. There have been other things that have happened between the two of them over the past 6 months that aren't even worth bringing up here, but there have been times that he's tried to go no-contact except when regarding the kids. She's very good at manipulating a situation but there have also been some legitimate events that brought them back to being friendly and talking with each other.

Anyway, from trying to get him to move back in with her to constantly trying to get him to go out with her and do things for her, it doesn't seem like she's accepted that he doesn't want to be married to her anymore, which I do understand to a degree. The end of their marriage was not her idea and I know she's struggled. I was married once and I have compassion for her situation. I also truly don't believe he's been leading her on or anything like that - I obviously am not there to see what happens behind the scenes, but I do believe that the desire to remain married is very one-sided. She bought tickets to something for his birthday earlier this week, but he didn't want to go with her so ended up spending it with his kids without her. Sunday while he was at work, she and the kids decorated his apartment for his bday, which was nice. They are, after all, still friends and a decade long relationship doesn't go away... they will always be in each other's lives, and I don't want to see them lose their friendship. BUT, right now, it feels like they're still in the window where she is very much either trying to get him back or, if she can't, at least make her presence known.

I was over at his apartment last night and walked in to see all the decorations, which he didn't shy away from showing me. In addition to some signs the kids made, Sara hung up all of these pictures she printed out and strung up - it looked like a lot of work and was honestly very nice - and there were many pics of him and his kids. However, there were a ton of pictures of just him clearly taken by a loving wife, and several pictures of them together - her kissing him, etc. I felt so uncomfortable. I know they're not together and he has no intention of going back, but it sure felt like I walked into something a wife puts up for her husband that she very much loves. He's going to leave it up for a long time, I'm sure, because it was really nice of her but also their kids were very much a part of putting that stuff up too. She made him a card that he showed me that was hand drawn and also something you would give someone you're very much still in a romantic relationship with.

I don't feel like I can say anything (I did tell him how I felt about last week because he was also upset about it and it felt like I had the right to weigh in since it involved OUR stuff) because it's not my place. You can't erase a decade of history and feelings, and they both still have love for each other even if they shouldn't be married. I get that. But, she's making it very clear she is not going anywhere, and he's not going to create boundaries with her. I think, for him, it's a combination of being more passive and wanting peace, genuinely wanting to salvage a friendship, and wanting to have a good relationship for the kids. But, I don't know what that means for us. It's only been six months, so I don't feel like it's been long enough to determine if this will be a continued issue, but knowing what I know about Sara, it seems like time isn't going to change this (he thinks it will change when she starts dating someone on her end). I know it's on him to set boundaries, but who knows when that will happen. Six months isn't a lot of time, but I'm not the kind of person who dates around a lot, nor do I fall in love easily. And I am now in love, and I don't particularly want to walk away from him. I want to stick it out and get to know his kids, when and if that eventually happens, and can see a real future with this person. I don't ever want to get married again, so I'm not particularly concerned with the fact they're married on paper. But she will always be there, as she should be. But she's doing so much more than co-parenting right now.

She's made it clear that she's not going quietly into the night when it comes to him, and he's putting up with i...

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Anxious-Wealth-7428 on 2024-01-10 14:52:05+00:00.

Throwaway account for reasons.

I (f28) have been with my partner (m32) for 6 years now. We bought out first home together last year. I have been dealing with diagnosed chronic illness and chronic pain for the past 3 years now the effect it's had on my mental health has been huge and I'm not the same person I used to be. I know I'm not as fun or spontaneous as I used to be and have acknowledged this to my partner many times. When I have little to no sleep my illness is worsened.

We've been sleeping in separate beds for the past couple of years now. My partner snores and thrashes in his sleep and I'm a light sleeper. Since we've moved in to our home together I'm getting barely any sleep. He's a night owl, so will play his video games loudly or music loudly. He will stomp as loud as he can. I don't sleep until he does because the noise he makes is so loud. He has small amounts of sleep himself but seems to be able to manage and function. So when he wakes up, I have to wake up. He knows I have insomniac tendencies, it can take me hours to fall asleep and can wake up numerous times throughout the night. Every morning when he wakes up he rages? Stomping as loud as he can, throwing things, slamming doors and drawers. One morning I woke up to this really loud banging noise. I snuck out of my bedroom and walked a different way to the kitchen. I crept up on him and observed him throwing cutlery full force into the sink, while staring down near where my bedroom is. This is what makes me think he does it on purpose. If I start to nap during the day from exhaustion he will stop me, by yelling, shaking me awake etc.

I've cried to him about this, I feel like death when I get no sleep, I get dizzy and can't focus on anything. My memory has gone to shit and my stress and anxiety levels are really high. I've expressed how this makes me feel and his response is "don't come crying to me about no sleep, I manage with little sleep". We have a joint bank account but I've been secretly stashing some of my own money aside to go and stay in hotel rooms to sleep. I feel guilty for this because I'm lying to him and telling him I'm going away on work trips. But I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?

Tdlr; partner is not allowing me to sleep and I have to lie to him so I can stay in hotel rooms.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/whatiswrongwithme372 on 2024-01-10 15:46:11+00:00.

Basically the title. I [29F] been with my partner Tom [31M] for 10 years. There were troubles during our relationship but we always worked through them, well a lot of forgiveness on my part was needed, but we worked through them.

For the last three years he has been everything you look for in a man. He listens, he takes care, we laugh together, he is just perfect. His world revolves around me. And I - I feel the urge to just get out. I dont want to be the center of his world. I want us to be two independent people - that is true for me too.

I want to know who I am without being his girlfriend. But he has very little next to me, no hobbies, not a lot of friends, no close family, I am his everything.

We do live with our cat Cinnamon [19F] in a beautiful big apartment. He loves me more than anything and anyone. But there is this feeling of „I need to get out“ I dont know why and where it comes from. He didnt do anything wrong but I can’t stress that enough I must get out of this. I feel the strong urge to just be alone in my own apartment being me, having a room of my own. I will go crazy if I have to stay there with him. I need to get out, I must get out, I need freedom, I want to do stuff on my own.

I know nothing will be better when I am alone in my one room apartment without a washing machine. But at least it will be MY one bedroom apartment.This might be the greatest mistake that I have ever made. But I feel like I need to make that mistake. I know it will break him, he will be shattered. He already is since I told him I am moving out. I feel like Lily from HIMYM, who went crazy and went to art school and realized that that was a huge mistake.

Reddit. I feel like the worst person on earth.

TL;DR: Despite a great 10-year relationship, I [29F] feel suffocated and the need for independence from my loving partner.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/NotForSafeUs3 on 2024-01-10 14:12:40+00:00.

If you saw my last post, I deleted it because I wanted to retype and clarify/expand some things.

TL;DR: I learned about one of my gf’s past one-time partners, and now even physical touch feels wrong. I need advice on shaking off this feeling.

These last 7 months have been magical and the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. If I was any dumber, I would be 100% ready to propose. Additionally, I want to acknowledge that we both have our share of sexual partners in the past; that in itself is not an issue.

At the start of our relationship, my girlfriend was looking through snap stories and telling me about her friends. We come up on this one guy who shares a hobby with me, and tells me a bit about him and how they’re friends. I (half jokingly, half jealously) ask her if they had any form of interaction further than friendship in the past, she said no. Soon after, she posted a cute photo of herself on her story and he made a generic “that’s hot” comment. I convinced myself as him being supportive. The other day, she asked me if I wanted to sell my bike that I don’t need/use to him, and kind of fought me on the price I wanted for it (she says “broke girl mentality”). I suspiciously ask her again if they had a past, she says no. The following day, for unrelated reasons, I found out that they did in fact have a one-time fling a couple of years back. At the beginning, she didn’t want to tell me the truth because she wanted to protect my feelings and that she didn’t perceive it as an issue because he meant nothing to her. I know she is not the type to cheat, the most genuine person I’ve ever met, and that she is head over heels for me.

However, after finding out, I physically feel a heavy weight in my heart and have the image of them together constantly running through my mind. I spent the whole day emotionally overreacting, and kept asking her questions to the point she was uncomfortable and she hid in her room for a bit. I understand my mistake of projecting my insecurities and past traumas onto her and apologized for it. But still, I feel like I’ve lost that physical/sexual attraction learning about one of her past partners the way that I did, almost like I view her only as a friend now. It’s one of those things where I know I’m in the wrong, but I can’t shake what I’m feeling. There’s some other stuff that I won’t go into and will save for my therapist.

Do you guys have any advice for helping me shake off this feeling? I still love her, but the spark feels different now.

Thank you.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Nananana887 on 2024-01-10 15:20:41+00:00.

I (F28) have been dating him (M28) for 6 months. I am a fearful avoidant and he is very dismissive. I know that he cares for me deeply. He is very consistent with seeing me and never cancels, is not the best texter but makes an effort and treats me like I am special to him. We have a strong emotional connection and can just lie down for hours starting at eachother. The problem is that we have been avoiding having the ”talk” until a couple of days ago when I brought up exclusivity.

He said yes but I sensed a tornado of emotions brewing inside of him. He admitted to being unsure if he is ready for formal commitment, despite not being with anyone else since meeting me. He kept asking himself out loud ”Am I ready” over and over again and got really anxious. He explained that he finds it very hard to trust people and keeps everyone in his life at a distance. He has never been in a long term relationship (max one year) and the last relationship he had was 7 years ago. Strangely I find that this talk brought us closer together and he wouldn’t let go of me for the rest of the night. He told me that he has talked to his parents about me and showed them my pictures. But I still am confused as to where we stand since he kept saying that he doesn’t think he is ready.

I’m at a loss of how to continue. I love him but at the same time this uncertainty is slowly killing me. A lot of dating advice online seems to suggest that a man won’t change his mind if he is still not ready at this point. But I do take some comfort from knowing that his first instinct was to agree even though it caused him so much anxiety.

tl;dr he is not ready to commit after 6 months.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Anxious-Wealth-7428 on 2024-01-10 14:52:05+00:00.

Throwaway account for reasons.

I (f28) have been with my partner (m32) for 6 years now. We bought out first home together last year. I have been dealing with diagnosed chronic illness and chronic pain for the past 3 years now the effect it's had on my mental health has been huge and I'm not the same person I used to be. I know I'm not as fun or spontaneous as I used to be and have acknowledged this to my partner many times. When I have little to no sleep my illness is worsened.

We've been sleeping in separate beds for the past couple of years now. My partner snores and thrashes in his sleep and I'm a light sleeper. Since we've moved in to our home together I'm getting barely any sleep. He's a night owl, so will play his video games loudly or music loudly. He will stomp as loud as he can. I don't sleep until he does because the noise he makes is so loud. He has small amounts of sleep himself but seems to be able to manage and function. So when he wakes up, I have to wake up. He knows I have insomniac tendencies, it can take me hours to fall asleep and can wake up numerous times throughout the night. Every morning when he wakes up he rages? Stomping as loud as he can, throwing things, slamming doors and drawers. One morning I woke up to this really loud banging noise. I snuck out of my bedroom and walked a different way to the kitchen. I crept up on him and observed him throwing cutlery full force into the sink, while staring down near where my bedroom is. This is what makes me think he does it on purpose. If I start to nap during the day from exhaustion he will stop me, by yelling, shaking me awake etc.

I've cried to him about this, I feel like death when I get no sleep, I get dizzy and can't focus on anything. My memory has gone to shit and my stress and anxiety levels are really high. I've expressed how this makes me feel and his response is "don't come crying to me about no sleep, I manage with little sleep". We have a joint bank account but I've been secretly stashing some of my own money aside to go and stay in hotel rooms to sleep. I feel guilty for this because I'm lying to him and telling him I'm going away on work trips. But I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?

Tdlr; partner is not allowing me to sleep and I have to lie to him so I can stay in hotel rooms.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThenalJaguar on 2024-01-10 14:24:25+00:00.

She never usually shaves her private part. But before she is going to stay with her mom for 2-3 days, she shaves them. This has happened 2 times in past 1 month. Why would she shave it before she goes to her moms house and never really do it any other time when she is with me?

We are married for over 1 year now, dont have kids yet. In 1 year i have never checked her phone. But now i am being paranoid as this thing happened 2 times in past 2 month. I dont get why she would shave it right before she leaves my house for 2-3 days and never really do it when we are together(Which is 27 days a month). Many people saying in comment if she goes swimming, so answer to that is No.

And many people in comments saying to talk to her. Its not that easy, what if she is completely innocent? and if she feels like i have trust issues, this relationship is definitely going to suffer in long run. I want to do background research first. I might bring up this topic to her in next 2-3 days in a sarcastic way so i dont end up ruining everything.

TL;DR : Is my wife cheating on me because whenever she visits her mom for 2-3 days, she shaves her private parts on the day she is leaving, while she never shaves them any other times.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/MoreStill5300 on 2024-01-10 12:30:19+00:00.

Here is the situation: we’re in the same class, we’ve only been dating for about 6 weeks, and there were the end of the year’s holidays so we weren’t able to see each other a lot. I saw her a few days ago but I feel like it was only going one-way, with her telling me the funny stories of her holidays while I could not say anything. And since then I’m trying to see her again but she automatically changes subject (or she doesn’t answer) when I try to put that on the table. On top of that I’m not sure I have any romantic feelings for her…

The thing is she’s going through some pretty bad stuff rn so I don’t know if putting that on the table would be the best thing for her mental health, the last thing I want to be is a burden for her.

TL;DR; : Should I tell my gf about how I feel in our relationship even though she’s going through some stuff rn and I don’t want to add a burden to her conscience ?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Brunio25 on 2024-01-10 12:15:19+00:00.

A few nights ago, me and my girlfriend were playing one of those questions game about our relationship.

After a few questions, the culprit for this post appeared:

"What is your favorite moment in your relationship?"

My gf answered first and spoke of a cute night on the beach (on our fist vacation together) we had had a few days after our first month anniversary.

My response was a separate part of the same night, in which we both had a lot of fun.

As I was answering the question, I noticed (and we later talked about it) that both me and my gf were getting sad because our favorite moments in the length of our relationship (two and a half years) were in the very beginning.

We are and have been long distance for the full length of our relationship (getting together almost every weekend) so I thought maybe that was the reason for that vacation being so important for both of us, but even so, I steel feel like we should have much more memorable moments throughout the relationship.

Anyway, am I overthinking this whole thing or am I correct in assuming that it's not a good sign?

TL;DR: Mine and my gf's favorite moment together was on the first 2 months. Is this normal?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/StatisticianLong838 on 2024-01-10 12:10:08+00:00.

i (18F) have been dating my bf (18M) for around 7 months now. as we started off as friends, i was very unsure if i actually liked him or not.

however, throughout the very traumatic and sudden death of my father, he had supported me enormously as my closest friend. it was also within this time that we started dating.

now, i am unsure if i should continue dating him or if i even have or ever had romantic feelings for him. in terms of my own safety, sometimes it is not feasible to stay at my house due to a bad family situation and my boyfriend is a huge support. i know it is wrong to continue dating him, but i am genuinely scared of what will happen if he is gone. i have no other friends or family around who can help me.

what should i do?

TL;DR started dating my bf during a rough time, unsure of whether i like him. i feel like i should break up but im scared i will have no one to help me through my abnormal and difficult living situation.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Independent_Cup_7000 on 2024-01-10 12:02:18+00:00.

My gf (19F) is going on an overnight trip away with her 5 male friends without me (M20)

I’m very stuck in this situation and wondering if I am just being possessive and nasty or not.

Anyway, me and my gf have had this thing booked with some of her friends for months now to go to this theatre production in another city. For context, my gf struggles socially and doesn’t have many friends. She’s always found she clicks better with guys so all her close friends are guys aside from one. These close friends she has known almost 10 years. I’ve never said anything about it and just trusted them yknow. But tonight, my gf out of the blue says to me “btw I’m going on my own to that theatre thing with the guys and some other guy they’re bringing if that’s okay”. I asked why I’d been dropped and she basically expaliend how a few weeks ago we had a brief split and when the split happened they dropped me from the plans obviously and brought another guy in to go. So now instead of the group being me, my gf, two close guy friends of hers and their two best friends we’ve met before it would be my gf, her two close guy friends, two best friends we’ve met and another guy they know. To make matters worse they are stating overnight in the city although my gf is adamant she has a separate room to them.

I was instantly upset and wound up by finding this out. My gf could sense something was up and after being prodded to say what was up I explained how uncomfortable I was with the situation. She explained she didn’t know until recently they were staying over and that I can trust her and mentioned that upon finding out I wouldn’t be going she tried to back out but since she’s already payed and it’s booked she can’t really. I said I understood but to think how it would feel if I went to another city with a group of girls and stayed at a hotel with them and she said that was different since girls are less trustworthy so I told her she was being a hypocrite and saying it’s a rule for me but not for her. We talked about it a bit and she was clearly upset that I was upset and said she understood why I was upset but that I shouldn’t guilt trip her for wanting to have fun and that there’s clearly a trust issue on my part. But to me I just said it’s a boundary for me personally and it annoys me because I would never put you in the same situation. She then even went on to admit to me that one of the guys in the group said in the group chat I’m not in after she announced we split a few weeks ago when we did briefly that he didn’t like me anyway. So you know it’ll be her, two close friends she’s known almost ten years, that guy that doesn’t like me but my gf doesn’t like him secretly, another guy she doesn’t really like and another guy she doesn’t really know. Brilliant.

We’ve stopped talking about it now and are just joking around and stuff but it’s on my mind. It’s in 10 days and it’s already eating at me. Am I being overly sensitive and nasty? To me it’s just a boundary thing and I’ll be honest I feel as though I’m being disrespected a bit as her bf. But at the same time, like she said she doesn’t have many friends so she doesn’t wanna lose these. If this adds anything I’m 20 and this is my first relationship and she’s 19 almost 20

TL;DR My gf and 5 guy friends are going away to for a night to see a theatre production in another city and staying at a hotel. I feel angry and disrespected purely on principal

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ok_storyteller420 on 2024-01-10 11:49:45+00:00.

I (24F)have an anxious attachment style. I don’t love people who love me, I suffocate them. The moment I feel them pulling away, I desperately try holding on to them. I try to pull them so hard that the bond breaks.

I did the same again. But this time my boyfriend (23M) loved me more than anyone else. He pushed all his limits to make me happy. I, on the other hand got obsessed and started criticising him on the smallest things. He never gave up but his love faded. He started doing everything out of pity and love but not romantic love anymore. I don’t know if I am making sense. I thought I loved him but I don’t love him. I don’t want anything else than romantic love. He says he will be with me forever as a supporter well wisher best friend but he can’t love me anymore.

I had my share of trauma through out my existence. But for once if someone loves me I can’t love them instead I try to keep them to myself. I am someone who needs constant love, I can’t stand the thought of someone not loving me anymore who loved me once. That sends me into a frenzy and I start sabotaging that person’s life. I know this is toxic.

I take therapy but I started recently. Initially with this guy I started healing and loving myself. Somewhere this guy started thinking about the future and got sure that we are not ‘the one’ for each other. We don’t have a future and due to this if we stay together in present that is morally wrong. I lost my hope again that I will heal. I know I will eventually but it will take much longer now. I will again find someone else who will love me, and I will repeat the whole thing. I think I should just accept that I am not someone who should ever get into with a relationship. I should just stick to casuals and accept that I am not fit for a long term stable relationship. I have accepted that I can’t have someone to myself because of my personality.

I don’t know. I am heartbroken right now.

—-

TL;DR; I (F/24) have become toxic in a 4 months old relationship with my boyfriend (M/23). How do I fix this now?