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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/MaximumSolution6979 on 2024-01-06 14:04:44+00:00.
My (23f) boyfriend (24m)and I have been together for a little over a year. He lives with his parents and I made a “requirement” that he moves out before we live together. Let me start out by saying I love his parents and this is no way a part of the issue. He and his dad own a business together based out of their house as primary income and he also has a business on the side so I understand moving out would be financially stressful and inconvenient as he is running 2 businesses but I think it would be a positive start to our future. His mom is basically super mom, she does all the cooking, all the cleaning, really takes care of the both of them. I want him to live without his parents for a year maybe less before we live together. He doesn’t have to live alone and he doesn’t have to go buy a house or anything. I strongly believe that when you start living with your partner (which neither of us have done before) your life should get easier because there’s 2 people taking on the load of everything needing done. If he went from living at home to living with me his life would get significantly harder unless I stepped up to do everything his mom does which isn’t realistic considering the long hours I work versus she’s always home. If he moves out I believe it’ll be a good foundation for moving in together because it will actually feel like a load off his chest so there shouldn’t be built up resentment.
This “requirement” of mine became common knowledge among his friends and they seem to have conflicting opinions but a few points were made that make me question if I’m being too harsh. First, he is an incredibly helpful person. His friends and extended family call him all the time for help and he’ll drop what he’s doing to go help them. For example we were at his married friends house and the wife was complaining about the garbage disposal and my bf literally replaced the garbage disposal that day. Lots of stories like that with all his friends. Next, when he comes over to my house he is very helpful with everything. If the kitchen or my room or the dining room or something needs cleaned and he can tell I’ve been too busy to do it, he’ll clean it for me. He’ll help when I’m cooking and even help with the random projects I find myself getting into around the house. Every time this conversation comes up though between me and my bf about him moving out before we move in together, he gets upset. He says he’ll do it and he’ll figure it out because he loves me but that this puts a lot of financial strain on him because he doesn’t want to rent and if he’s going to buy, he would rather buy a shop for his businesses which I do understand.
While I know how lucky I am and how amazing he is, I also know that all those extras things he had to do won’t go away when he’s living with me. He will still get calls to go help friends and have to fix things and run his businesses and I’m worried it will be too drastic of a change and he’ll start to resent me over time for not doing more even if I’m doing all I can because unless I stopped working I could not do everything his mom does. But I’m also worried this “requirement” will make him build up resentment towards me too. So now I’m coming to strangers on the internet for advice, hoping some of you have been through similar situations with various outcomes or just have enough life advice. Am I being too harsh? Is it necessary for him to move out first? Is there something else we could do that’s less financial strain and less overall stressful?
TLDR I want my bf to move out of his parents before we live together but this is super stressful on him and he doesn’t want to.