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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Rizzz96 on 2024-01-04 20:31:35+00:00.
Original Title: I'm[27m] and I love my girlfriend [24f] and we've been dating for almost 9 years. Our relationship has become abusive over the years. I see her as my forever and wanted to grow old with her but how do I change her for not being physically abusive?
We’ve been dating since high school and we’re each other’s firsts (v-card). She has had bf in the past (high school and middle school) but never serious. She’s my first gf, first kiss and ofc first v-card. I’ve never dated anyone up until I fell in love with her on my senior year high school. We’ve had our ups and downs considering she’s my first girlfriend so I learned from mistakes and move on to be a better partner. I see her as my forever as years passed.
A short background: I grew up in a household where my mom and dad hit me (slaps, belts, metal hanger, etc). One of my worst childhood experiences was when I was stupid enough to use my dad’s credit card to buy the first ever iPod Touch back in 2009. I was in 5th grade (11 y.o.) When my dad found out, ofc he hit me but it was the hardest hit. He slapped me to a point where I couldn’t hear anything but a loud ring to my left ear, followed by another hard slap left and right BUT simultaneously. Kinda like when you clap a mosquito in mid-air, but it was my 5th grade head instead. It hurts so bad that I started peeing my pants. I didn’t even know I was crying but I was focusing on fears more than tears. Right after he clap-slap me, he grabbed my head up and started spitting at my face. Sorry for being too detailed, it’s a memory I tried hard not to remember but you can’t really erase trauma.
Going back to my relationship: long story short, we spent 2 years somewhat in a long distance relationship since our parents doesn’t approve of us dating so we had to do things in secrecy. Up until I finished community college and she graduated HS and went off to a university, that’s when we spent 2 more years in harmony. I continued my bachelor’s the same university she goes to.
The 5th year of us dating, that's when we recognize our triggers. Fights happen more often and it was a learning experience for the both of us. We never use violence in our relationship up until my gf slapped me in one of our arguments. It shocked me and her face went from angry to regretful —My parents stopped hitting me when I was in middle school (13 y.o) but when my gf hit me, my trauma flashed back, reminding me of when my dad hit me the hardest— I didn't hit her back, I could never hurt my gf. She's so tiny and fragile like a hummingbird but she packs a good slap. She eventually apologized and hugged me that day and promised to never hit me again—But it didn't stop.
I have never strike her, never slapped or punch my gf. The only time I hurt her physically was when she tried to get away from me or when I tried to get away from her by shoving my body against her. I also held her wrist during our biggest arguments to prevent her from leaving our apartment to talk through our problems. I bruised her arms for holding onto her too tightly. One of my biggest regret is seeing my gf in pain. Still wrong of me to cause physical pain to her but I am not a saint here. I've hurt her emotionally and gave her emotional trauma for the things I promised NOT to do like yelling/screaming at her, lying to her, etc but I always failed to hold my promises
As our relationship grows, she continues to hit me in our major arguments, possibly when I triggered her for the things I said. Many of the times I definitely deserve a good slap to my face —to bring me back to reality— but every time she slapped me, it brings me back my trauma. I even tried hard to not pee myself as she slapped me, but sometimes I failed to hold it in. Every time she hit me, it's most deserving but sometimes I wish that it shouldn't be used as a tool to check me.
As years goes by, I refrained from yelling and screaming on our arguments as it triggers her emotionally. I've always used calm tones and talked to her rather than yelling. I even tried to hold her hands to calm her down in a heated situation. But she still hits me for whatever reason triggers her such as: me giving excuses and not owning up to my mistakes, slight raise in my tone like "LISTEN!", my frustration during our arguments, etc.
It's very hard to compose myself when she doesn't stop hitting me. It doesn't make me want to talk in a softer tone when she hits me. And it even triggers me envisioning myself hitting her to stop her from hitting me. But I never let my intrusive thoughts won me over bc I have great control over hitting her. I could never and I will never hit her. It's so difficult to always try to calm her down as she screams and yells. And when I say the wrong things, I got slapped. It hurts of course but it hurts me even more that the love of my life is capable of being violent.
Just now, she slapped me for the 3rd time in our fights and I actually laid my hands on her. I didn't strike her whatsoever. I only held her head aggressively and said “STOP. HITTING. ME.” When I saw the fear in her eyes, I quickly let go and apologized. She wanted me out of the apartment but I insisted in staying and talk about our issues. She eventually called the cops and 2 officers showed up. She never told 911 that I hit her, she just wanted someone to come to escort me out. But when the officer showed up, she told them that everything was under control and will let them know if she needs anything else.
It hurts. I'm trying to be the best partner and tried every way I can to not trigger her during our fights. I always use soft tones and actively listen and apologize to her. But I always seem like I'm constantly trying to calm her down from yelling and screaming at me.
If you're reading this far, thank you for taking the time to read all my feelings. I'm not here trying to victimize myself. I do admit I have my fair share as to why my gf became abusive over the years. I just wished that violence should never be involved when we're trying to figure ourselves out throughout our relationship.
TL;DR; : My girlfriend of 9 years started hitting me when we have major argument despite of my non-violent response to be a better partner. I listened to her and tried to be better and have never strike her whatsoever. I love our relationship but whenever she hits me, it makes me lose love for her. I don’t want that. How do I stop her from being abusive? Is there anything else I can do to bring positivity in our relationship especially during arguments?