Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Commercial-Can-372 on 2024-01-04 05:07:33+00:00.

Sorry for the long post, but I’d like to know if I overreacted.

So my girlfriend (f 37) has been really distant and standoffish recently. I've talked to her about this and she said she just feels disconnected and distant. The reasoning is because we both have been stressed with work and the holidays etc. we both have two kids, outside of the relationship, and have joint custody with our exes.

Tonight, I come home with my two kids, and she is being more standoffish than usual. I try and extend an olive branch by just making small little touches, and I reach out to hold her hand and she pulls it away pretty quickly. Fast forward a little bit before bed and I ask her if I've done something wrong to make her feel this way. She says no, and that she's already explained why she feels like she does. I told her that her actions are making me feel like I've done something wrong and her response was "I can't make you feel any which way"

This immediately shuts me down. There was no accountability, no acknowledgment, or anything of my feelings. Now as an adult male, I'm used to my feelings not really mattering, but hearing this from somebody whom I've been in a relationship with for quite some time really got to me.

So my question is, if this were you, would you feel discouraged and outright dejected?

To add some details, we've been dating for over two years, and have known each other for over 10.

TL;DR am I wrong for being hurt by her comment?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Responsible_Side_822 on 2024-01-04 05:00:43+00:00.

Hi everyone,

I am thinking of leaving my long term relationship. We have been together for 6 years. I was previously with my ex for 10 years (married for 3).

Context:

I am at a point in my life where I thought I was settled and happy and want to have kids but now that the time has come I am having second thoughts about my whole relationship and wanting to make sure this is right for me before I bring a child into the mix. I have been feeling this way for about 6 months and its recently started to get to me more as we talk about the future and starting a family.

I am a very open and honest person, good communicator and very sure of my life and what I want in my relationships and my future. Our relationship started as a sexual one and then grew deeper and here we are today. She was always a take it or leave it attitude with kids and marriage but I have always wanted it. She has recently said she is keen to have a child and never saw herself having any until she met me. She also said she is happy to get married. So of course I was over the moon and I think suddenly blinded by excitement but now the dust has settled I am starting to look more broadly at some of the other things I am not happy with and need from her.

Here are the things that have been an issue for me lately:

Her inability to grow as a person - still feels very immature, she just doesn't see how her past traumas affect her and therefore affect our relationship. She cant regulate her emotions.

Won't have tough or hard conversations especially about the future (when I started bringing up kids and marriage) and would just shut down entirely. It makes me feel guilty for bringing it up like I cant voice my future and dreams etc.

Is a horrible communicator and bottles things up until its to late - she's trying to work on it but its painfully slow progress.

Sexual compatibility has come up several times, she's into more freaky things and has a high sex drive. I am more conservative and have a lower drive. We are trying to work thru this together. I think these deeper issues are turning me off it more. She likes spontaneous sex but sometimes I am not up to it and she feels rejected but I offered up scheduling some us time but that is to boring for her. I can't win.

Reacts to things in a bad way and never wants to talk thru anything or apologize when she's wrong - will only apologize if I ask for one. Sometimes because she gets so angry she can be a little condescending to me after an argument and it makes me feel like shit.

Has recently started to work thru her past traumas which is great but now she's starting to act differently like for example: scrolling thru Instagram and pointing out sexy girls and making sexual comments about it. I have asked her to stop but she won't and the old her never would have done that.

Constantly has headphones in listening to spicy books/music - that's all fine with me but when I am in the room I expect her to turn the volume down so she can hear me talk to her or at least take an ear out as a sign its ok to talk to her. Its very closed off.

I am starting to not feel my best self around her anymore and I don't like the way some of these things are making me feel. I have bought up several of these things and she just passes it off as "I am who I am". I am not asking her to change I am asking her to show up for our relationship and my needs. I have asked her to go to therapy and she just rolls her eyes and refuses. I have done as much as I can without enlisting more help.

I am petrified of leaving another long term relationship and starting again at my age and wanting children but I just am not sure I can do this long term and I DO NOT want to make the same mistake twice.

Can anyone provide their experiences if you have gone through this and what the outcome was?

TL;DR: In my 6 year relationship and starting to discuss future with kids and marriage, I have become unsure of our future due to some lingering issues I have yet to resolve with her.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/annalucass on 2024-01-04 04:48:39+00:00.

i’ve known my best friend since we were both 14, and i’ve been in love with him since then too. at first i thought it was just a little crush and it would go away eventually, but now i’m 18 and he’s 19 and i’m still insanely in love. however, he is also my best friend, we talk every single day no matter what, and so i can’t bring myself to confess to him at the risk that i’ll loose my best friend. in an effort to get over my feelings, i went to a college halfway across the country from him, seeing him for a month at a time every 5-6 months, but it’s by only made me fall harder for him instead. it’s gotten to the point where i do not feel attracted or even remotely interested in anyone except for him, and haven’t for almost 5 years now. i need help finding a way to either get over my feelings, or confess to him without loosing my best friend because i feel like i’m missing out on my college years because i’m so uninterested in anyone else. please help me :(

TL/DR: i’m in love with my best friend and need advice on either confessing or loosing feelings

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LegitimateBother9949 on 2024-01-04 04:46:11+00:00.

This is gonna be a long one, I’ll try and keep it shortish but I’m sorry in advance. So me [23M] met my girlfriend [F25] in June 2022 (on tinder). I was just getting over a messy breakup and was kinda sleeping around and would have probably hopped into any relationship with most anyone who gave me attention. We hit it off really quickly tho. Moved in together within a month and half. We’re both alcoholics and got drunk together at first, then sober together, twice, both running on two months clean this time around. Things have been pretty typical and good generally over the last year and a half or so. And really very good and passionate for the first year. But there has been red flags accumulating recently. First I came to find out she was still dating her ex the night we met (in a hotel room, thru tinder… IK). Cheated on him (I guess he did the same tho) and ended that relationship after her and I met. Then she’s admitted that she slept with her ex-bestfriends boyfriend while they were together. I’d catch her in lies all the time. Most recently I found out in October that she had been hanging out with a male friend from her job almost daily for almost a month and hiding it from me. Making blatant lies about where she was. This friend also happens to look and act a lot like her ex. According to her, they’d just drink together and vent about work. I caught her via location sharing and was pissed. Extremely hurt. She swears they never did anything sexual but admits to it kinda being an emotional affair. (I think… I believe her). She claims she set very strict boundaries with him since. But still works with him. Since then I’ve told her the next time I catch her in a lie, that we’re done. So she has cleaned up her act, gotten more honest, more transparent, seems to be trying to truly be better. But now I just can’t help but resent her. We have good days still. But I find myself having really negative thoughts about her and our relationship daily now. Also having general feelings that we’ve lost any spark we had, she’s never very enthusiastic about me anymore, didn’t get me anything for christmas when I spent a lot on her. Ect Ect. Ive been pretty distant lately cause of all this. But we have stakes, a dog together, future plans, intermeshed lives completely. I still love her deeply but can’t help but be disgusted by her every time I think about her and that coworker, and I shut her out. What do I do? If I could snap my fingers and make it so we’d never have met, I think I would. But I feel like too much is invested to do that and that I would regret ending things. Plus idk what we’d do about our doggy. I know this is a lot all at once. But my thoughts race like this all the time regarding her. This is eating me up. Help. Any input appreciated.

TL;DR Girlfriend of one and a half years, who I still love very much, is showing red flags. Cheated in past relationships. Got caught recently lying about hanging with her male coworker (who is her type). We talked, she’s since been more transparent and honest. I “think” she probably didn’t physically cheat. We have a lot invested in our relationship, but I’m starting to resent her strongly for this, wondering if she’s what I want long term, or if we ever had anything in common to begin with. Help

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/NeptuneLights on 2024-01-04 04:38:29+00:00.

TL:DR: I want to date my exes brother. What do I do?

Basically, it began bout when I was in the 6th grade. I'd met someone, I'll call him buddy. I got close to him and we near got together, but, he introduced me to his brother [my ex] and backed down. [Meaning, he ignored me a bit and did his own thing.] I dont believe I minded, I might have gotten worried but I forgot. Months later, I got together with my ex. [I'm buddies w my ex now too] I don't know what to do.

Being with him was wonderful to begin with, but, later into it, it just got bad. He would brutalize me, he would lie, and he would breakdown, etc. eventually, he got diagnosed with bipolar and other mental disorders that made him get go a bit insane [including paranoid disorders]. I didn't leave him, and eventually he left me [I wish i would've left but i was terrified.] It ended bout 3 months before I got close to his little brother [buddy].

Basically, I invited buddy to chill with me, I went with him everywhere, and I did my best to be the one he wanted to be with. He didn't get it much to begin with, but it was clear that he eventually did, especially when he told me that it was clear that I wanted to date him. Nothing much went down with that though. He teased a bunch and he does to this day, and he can be distant. Im lost because of that. He's distant, and then he's so close that there's one inch between me and him. It's throwing me off.

[This might be important, but my ex got a glow down while buddy got a glow up. Buddy exercises and manages to deadlift bout 300, he's got a 6, and he thrusts bout 200. Meanwhile, my ex gained bout 100lbs and is mentally ill, even though buddy has got depression. My ex is extremely jealous of buddy because of it. I technically got a glow up too, and now my ex believes that, even though he tells me his brother never dated, that he's worried we will date me.] What do I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRAcandieap on 2024-01-04 04:36:29+00:00.

He and I have been friends with benefits since last year in August. He's been upset about how I've been acting (I've acted out in certain ways but it's due to me being insecure). So I can understand that he may not want to continue seeing me for this reason. But then he mentioned the letter that I sent him a while ago. (I don't remember everything I said in the letter. I do remember saying that my feelings had changed for him after this year and that I had feelings for him). But I don't even know why he's bringing this up. Because we've slept together since I sent him this letter. And I told him I didn't mean the things that I said in the letter. And that sometimes I just say things in the moment. Also, I told him I was dating another guy (I told him this after I had sent him the letter). And he told me it was okay and that I shouldn't restrict myself. Because he and I are just friends and to just let him know if I start sleeping with the guy I'm dating. So that he and I would stop sleeping together and we would just be friends without having sex. Then he joked about how he knew he could get me back. (If I were to stop sleeping with him due to me sleeping with another guy). So why is now talking about this letter and how we can't "be just friends?".

I know there is no way he has feelings for me as he is always following skinny chicks on social media. (I'm not skinny and I look nothing like them). And also he said we were just friends. And he knows I date other men.

Me

I know you're upset with me and don't like hanging out with me. Because of my behavior, I'm sorry. I don't to stop seeing you. I promise I'll stop acting that way with you. But if you're involved with someone else then I'd like to know. As I don't want to put myself at risk.

Him

Na, man, this shit happens all the time and

I seriously doubt it'll stop. We can't just "be

friends", especially with the letter you sent me.

I think it's best if we just move on from each other.

Why is he all of a sudden mentioning the letter. And saying we can't be "just friends? After he said we were just friends?

***TLDR***

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/sad_snowmann on 2024-01-04 04:27:21+00:00.

So my ex boyfriend has just liked a picture on my instagram and a tik tok after no contact for about 6 months. (go see my other more detailed post on my profile for in-depth about our relationship) We were basically off and on for two years then dated early 2023. He really hurt me a couple times but i’ve done the same to him although this was before we’d ever properly gone out or were anything more than people that liked eachother, although he was really into me. I don’t know if it’s worth liking his picture back or somethjng or if i just keep the current peace i have, possibly turning down happiness again with him like i felt last year. So yeah let me know what you guys would do, i’m young is it worth just giving everything a shot despite heartbreak, or should i keep the little peace i have whilst still very much wanting him.

TLDR: Should i feel it out with my ex boyfriend after we’ve both hurt eachother in the past. He’s started liking photos of mine.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Tricky-End9599 on 2024-01-04 04:17:35+00:00.

I just turned 21 at the start of December and D turns 19 in June.

Now I need advice because I could genuinely see myself with D, but my parents had something to say about it. They both said that it’s too big of an age difference and I shouldn’t pursue anything. Now I feel like what they said is a bit hypocritical because they have a 5 year age gap in their marriage while this is only a 3 year gap.

I understand the age gap may not be a problem but the maturity level would be, from what I can tell about him, he’s pretty mature for his age and he’s a really sweet guy. I think we both had to mature pretty early on in our lives and so we both have a good sense on maturity.

So, should I pursue or should I not?

TL;DR newly 21F wants to date 18M but doesn’t know if it’s a weird age range, advice?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ComfortableSimple832 on 2024-01-04 04:17:14+00:00.

I have found myself in a relationship and things are for the most part something to appreciate though throughout the relationship it is complicated. It is certain the relationship has always shown to be comfortable. I want to appreciate the relationship as it is though I am uncertain and find it complicated to do something like this. It may be the relationship has progressed, though any thoughts are a process. I like the idea of there being something and want to be comfortable appreciating things though am very unsure. It may be a good idea to just hang out. I don't know if the relationship is going anywhere, and this has shown to be a reason to not care at this time. It may just be a good idea to come back at another time and see where the relationship is, which is fine if it really is the best we can do. I just don't know if it actually is possible to aim for something better than this.

Any advice is appreciated, thank you.

tl;dr I have found myself in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I want to stay positive about such things though it is complicated, it may be the relationship is really slow throughout this time. I don't know if there actually is anything to be completed. It may be this isn't the best solution though it is something to consider. Any advice is appreciated, thanks.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/trashcatarmy on 2024-01-04 04:16:58+00:00.

This relationship is very new and fresh but is romantically intense and I know there’s something special here. I have been dating M (32) for only 2 months (known each other from IG for 3 years). Basically after our first date we agreed to start exclusively seeing each other. We have gone on a trip together and have been seeing each other at least twice a week (if not more) and communicate frequently and consistently. He is very sweet, always puts in alot of thought and effort into our dates and is constantly doing thoughtful acts for me.

Over christmas we bought each other gifts. When he gave me my gift, he also gave me a cute card…. but it had nothing written in it from him. Not my name, not any message (just the printed card message) and not even his name to sign. Just literally a card purchased and then handed to the recipient.

The message printed on the card was cute and made me chuckle a little (for someone who makes me feel all warm and floofy), but I was audibly surprised that he didn’t write in the card. Ive never received a blank card from a romantic partner before, or from anyone for that matter.

Is that weird to anyone else…? Is it rude to give a card to someone that you write nothing in?

TL;DR

Dating for 2 months, he’s really thoughtful so I don’t understand the reason he did this, but he gave me a blank Christmas card. The card had a message inside but he didn’t write anything in it. Do I read this as a red flag?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway4Advice_798 on 2024-01-04 04:16:16+00:00.

Hi reddit, burner for obvious reasons. I (27F) have been dating my boyfriend (27M) for ~3 years, having moved twice to stay in the same apartment together since the first lockdown. We’ve been having intimacy problems and he’s been exploring their sexuality recently, but the pace and scale of that has been accelerated.

Today, he sat me down and said that he realized earlier this week the underlying reason for this was because he’s probably gay. It’s taken him so long to realize it because we’re a great couple otherwise (good partners, roommates, friends, with shared interests and responsibilities.) But he’s feeling sure that he’s not attracted to women, and wants to explore his coming out in the months ahead. He wanted to tell me as soon as he knew so that I could meet someone who was more intimate and aligned than he thinks he’s been. I’m grieving the relationship and unsure where to go from here.

Complicating this further is that we are set to move across the world to New Zealand at the end of the month for a 12-month sabbatical. He has spent some time there and has a partially formed network, but I have only met some people virtually and don’t have as well developed of a social support net. He has a job set up, I don’t (but would be able to work). We’ve been getting our visas, moving items into storage, and have nonrefundable tickets for the flights. Before today, I thought we’d be moving in together and I’d figure things out once we arrived.

But now, it feels like I could be setting myself up for failure: I could be isolated, with an unclear future, and sharing the flat with my sort-of-ex (we plan to move in together after today’s conversation, but leave door open for me to move out). Am I stupid for thinking this could go well? I’d like to think we could make it work, that I’ve sunk a lot into this sabbatical so far, and I’m talented and finding community elsewhere. I’m planning on getting a therapist in-country ASAP to talk this over before the move, and staying in touch with my friends here throughout it all. I’m not sure if it’ll be painful to live alongside him, and have no real way of testing this before the move. Curious to talk it through with randos and get this off my chest, thank you for reading.

TLDR: My boyfriend today told me he’s gay but we still plan on moving together abroad for a year, should I follow him there still?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Tough-Increase289 on 2024-01-04 04:14:40+00:00.

my (18f) boyfriend (19m) and i have been together for 3.5 months. he yelled today. it wasn't directed at me at all, but it still freaked me out. it's like a switch flipped and suddenly he was yelling, cursing, and hitting/kicking things.

it all began when i got to his house, and his mom texted him, angry that he hadn't done something she asked him to do. i was sitting on the couch, eating and watching tv, and i suddenly saw him scream, stand up, walk to his bedroom, kick his drum set, and storm out, going to different rooms. he started slamming things, cursing, throwing things, and just becoming more and more mad. after about 5 minutes of this, he came back in and sat down beside me and asked "are you okay?" i told him i wasn't and that i needed to leave.

a small backstory about me, my father was abusive, both physically and mentally, and i dont do well with any type of aggression or raised voices. he knows this. the way he snapped reminded me exactly of how my dad used to do.

i grabbed my keys and walked out, and immediately had a panic attack in my car, and sped off. i didnt feel safe going to my own house, so i drove to my aunt's in the next town over.

i told my aunt what happened, and she told me i should not go back to him, that it only gets worse from here

he messaged me 2 hours ago apologizing and he seemed genuine. im just not sure how to trust him or feel comfortable around him anymore. I'm scared of him, and i dont know what to do. i love him, and i want to give him another chance, but im scared of him.

do i run at the first sign of aggression or do i stay and try to fix things?

TL/DR: my 18f boyfriend 19m yelled and became aggressive for the first time today. the relationship has been fine until then, but i felt unsafe enough to leave town. i am not sure if i am overreacting or not.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/pewps14 on 2024-01-04 05:35:48+00:00.

TLDR: Mama’s boy bf’s mom is back to insulting me, haven’t been on a date or special outing in a while, not sure if i am losing feelings or just bored/sad in the short term.

This might be all over the place: My bf and i have been on/off for 7 years now. Somehow every year there is always a bad fight and when I try to fall back in love with him and get there a fight will ruin it and i will start the process all over. I have been super patient with him, his career, and his family. His mom has insulted me in the past (2018) from something he did to me. In 2021 after her trying to break us up didn’t work, we finally were a happy family. Come to 2023/2024 - we got in a bad fight where I needed to cry for help but would rather go to his family before mine (in hopes of saving his reputation with my parents). His mom flipped the script and made it about me. I am more successful in my career (about 20k more). It doesn’t bother me and i have always been hopeful we are a team and we are. His mom turned a serious situation into how i am “materialistic.” Sure, not a huge insult. However, i almost died 3x in a year and finally bought myself a pair of shoes. I told my bf not to tell his mom bc they were a bit expensive, but great quality. He told her any way in front of me. She used this against me as i am already hurt. She thinks i have a different lifestyle and want materialistic things from my bf when i have never asked that from him and i pay for everything. Him and i made up like always but I feel disappointed in myself for all the times I took him back and forgave him and his mom. I am his first girlfriend and have been as patient as i could be. I have my flaws too but i feel extremely upset with the lack of empathy towards my feelings and clearly i see where he gets it from. On top of that, we haven’t done anything “fun” since nov 2021. I dont know if i am depressed from lack of dates, or lack of effort or the thought of being tag teamed for the rest of my life. I guess I mainly came here to vent but i moved close to his family and far from my family out of trust with him after being betrayed. Now that i am down here and making something of myself and am proud of myself, it feels like i constantly make him/his family jealous. I am upset we haven’t gone on a date, but I try to be realistic with the circumstances. I just dont know if i should be selfish or more patient. Can anyone relate or have any advice?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/agressivefish28392 on 2024-01-04 05:25:29+00:00.

A few days ago my (21F) boyfriend (23M) of 8 months left his phone in his bedroom and I saw a Snapchat from a girl that he promised me he wouldn't talk to anymore. For privacy, I'll call her Alex. A month or so after we started dating, he told me that Alex offered him a job starting next summer as a manager in a store she was planning to start. This would've required him to move multiple states away. I did question him about how he knew this person, and he said she was a friend from a couple years ago and that she has a boyfriend so there was nothing for me to worry about.

In august I saw texts from Alex on his phone and when I brought it up to my boyfriend he said that they were just friends and he only talked to her about the job she had offered him. The texts that I saw were not about a job, they were making jokes to each other. But I only saw the texts as a notification when he was showing me something on his phone, so I guess it could've still been strictly friendly. After that conversation he admitted to me that they had flirted in the past, but now their relationship status was "just friends" and he again promised that he only talked to her about the job. I told him that something seemed suspicious about it and it was making me uncomfortable. I get jealous easily, and he does too, so I'm not sure if it's healthy but he should at least be able to understand my feelings on this. He insisted that talking to Alex was not worth making me uncomfortable, so promised that he would not talk to her anymore, and if he did decide to take the job and needed to talk to her about it, he would tell me.

Then a few days ago, I see her name pop up in a snapchat notification on his phone. Immediately I am confused, because this whole time I had assumed he really did stop talking to her. When he left the room, I opened his phone and looked at his snapchat. She was one of his best friends. I looked at their chat and found a mirror selfie she sent him that he saved in the chat and some text about her going thrifting. I immediately put his phone down because I didn't want to know.

It took me a while to bring it up that night. I started by asking if he was talking to any other girls or had any friends that were girls. I asked him if he had been flirting with anyone else. He denied both. Then I snap chatted him while we were laying next to each other so I could see his phone when he opened snapchat, trying to give myself an easier way to start the conversation. He hid his phone from me so I couldn't see it when he opened the app. Later in the night I finally grew the courage to ask why he hid his snapchat from me and he claimed that he didn't and then went into a long explanation about how he didn't talk to anyone and gave a reason for all the people he did talk to on snapchat. Then I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to tell me, or anyone he wanted to tell me about. He said no. Finally, I asked him why he was lying to me (he denied it once) and he started trying to explain himself. I asked him to show me his snapchat, and he did, but Alex's name was not there. He had deleted their chat, I assume right after I almost saw it.

We were actually right about to go on a 3 day vacation with my family at the time, so our conversations were limited until we had alone time. In the car the next morning we were talking while we were alone and I asked him to add her back and show me their chat history. He showed me while I was driving, so I wasn't able to read everything or really take a good look but I saw enough. Along with paragraphs to each other, many other pictures, and a few heart emojis, he had sent her a mirror selfie of himself without a shirt on in august. After that she sent him a picture of her chest in just a bra. Those pictures were from august. That made me sick to my stomach. I can't stop thinking about those pictures. To me, those pictures are cheating, regardless of his intent. Especially because they were saved. To me, that means he wanted to keep pictures of Alex like that. No, they're not technically nudes and they really shouldn't be that big of a deal I guess, but it makes me wonder what else they sent each other that they didn't save (since they are both in relationships).

When I asked him about it he claimed that they were just friends and he didn't see it that way. He claimed he wasn't flirting with Alex and he just sent pictures like that to his friends and he always saved pictures that his friends sent him. He had also sent her pictures from halloween, which I recognized as the same pictures he sent to me. I told him how much these things hurt me, and that I considered it cheating. I asked him why he would do that and he said he was scared that I was going to leave him. He wanted to keep talking to her so he would be able to take the job if he wanted to and he liked having a back up plan incase I broke up with him. I asked if Alex was his back up girlfriend and he claimed it was never about her.

I have never had a reason to believe that this man is not in love with me. Other than this issue, he has made me feel so loved and cared for and helped me through a lot of mental health struggles. He is the sweetest person I know and I never would've guessed that he would lie to me. He was the one that sought me out and had a crush on me for a while before we started talking. It's never seemed like he would want anyone else. I'm just confused because I really want to believe him that they are just friends, but I can't get those pictures out of my head. I really feel like he should've known that sending things like that isn't okay, but they could've been showing each other their tattoos or something completely innocent. I just don't know what to believe, my last relationship was with a narcissist for five years and it was a traumatic experience that I'm still not fully healed from. That is the only relationship experience I have so compared to that, me and my current boyfriend seem pretty good. He treats me so well I just can't believe he would have feelings for another girl, but maybe I'm just looking at it with rose-colored glasses.

We have been together the past few days since we had a good talk when we got back from the vacation. He's been acting mostly normal, maybe slightly more attentive and sweet. But today I was on his phone (playing monopoly go! lol) and noticed that he didn't have snapchat on his phone anymore. On the phone after I went home, I asked him why he didn't have snapchat anymore and he said he didn't know he just didn't use it that often. That is making me suspicious again, it just gives me a bad feeling like he has something to hide.

I don't like that he lied to me, and I feel like he's not being honest about the pictures they sent each other. But he is the only person that has ever treated me this way and I can't believe that it was just all a lie. I just don't know what to do or believe and I don't have therapy for a few weeks because of the holidays so any advice would be incredible.

TL;DR! My boyfriend of 8 months has been talking to another girl since long before we started dating and told me they were just friends even though they have a past of flirting together. He sent her pictures of him without a shirt on and she sent him pictures of her with a bra on. He told me he doesn't consider it cheating and he treats me really well, so I'm not sure what to do.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Extension-Fly4990 on 2024-01-03 22:40:49+00:00.

Okay so quickly want to say my husband is damn near perfect, I love him. We've been together since late 2019 and got married March 25th 2023. He works as a rad tech at two hospitals one full time and the other part time. He works a lot, but when we first realized we were going to be together long term he mentioned that he wouldn't mind working since he makes a lot more than I can, and letting me be a house husband.

Well times are hard and his checks barely cover our living arrangement so I'm working part time. Working, especially away from town and home causes me extreme depression. (We both suffer from depression pretty badly) but because we need it I'm fine with it.

Anyway I just changed to a new job that pays more than my previous one and it's stressful but whatever. We're trying to save up to take a trip to see his sister as she's going to be having a baby. We'll be missing work and spending on travel so money is super tight and we need to save. Whenever I joke about missing work or wishing I could find a work from home job he gets a little annoyed with me and reiterates that we need to save money.

Well the other day I was trying to find out what my google play balance was (I won a gift card a while back) cause I wanted to buy a book. I was logged into his account and see he's been spending money on mobile games.

$347 just in December. That's more than our power bill. Maybe more than our power bill and our water together. I don't mind him spending money on himself, to a point. I get it's his money but all of my money goes to feeding us. I scrolled through his purchase history and its been over a year he's been buying. I didn't go past that cause I don't want to be snoopy but I'm worried.

I mentioned having only $50 until my next check in 4 or 5 days and he laughed and said he only had $6. This is tearing me up. I don't want to be accusatory, I don't want to try to shame him or anything. I just want to understand what's up. I'm so scared he might be addicted because he spends all of his time on his phone playing games. Maybe it's my anxiety but it seems worse lately with stress from working and having health issues I'm scared he's turned to these games as a coping method. He's also trying to stop smoking which he's been doing great at but again, it scares me.

Is there a way I should bring this up? He's not an angry man but we're both awful at confrontation we've never had a fight or anything. We usually talk through text when we're annoyed or worried and we always solve our issues pretty easily but this is, really big and really scary. I don't know what to do. I've been stressing about this for days and I'm lost at what to do. I'm a mess with communication and everything so maybe I'm blowing everything out of proportion? I'm really at a loss.

TIA

TL;DR! we're tight on money but my husband is spending a lot of money on mobile games. I'm scared he's addicted but even if he's not I need to talk to him about it because we need to save money.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Enough-Jaguar8313 on 2024-01-03 22:00:06+00:00.

So this has been happening really frequently for the past few years. Whenever I’m having a conversation with her, and if she says something mildly irritating (nothing insulting or mean though) I would ask why she would say that or put it like that. And that’s when the argument would start. She would claim that no she did not say that or she did not put it like that, and that I am not paying attention to her when she talks and that she is gonna repeat what she really said for the one last time and not gonna argue about it. At first she would just calmly and casually respond like that and then she’s start get super mad about it if the conversation keeps going even though I remember perfectly clear what she said and how she said it. Does this happen to anyone else’s parents? I do have to admit, I used to be a bad listener and would make mistakes like that, but then I have since got rid of that bad habit and I swear I’ll record our conversation just to prove I heard her right. But just because I’ve made mistakes like that in the past doesn’t mean she’s just going to automatically deny everything I say. And I really don’t think she’s intentionally acting like she doesn’t remember it, honestly it feels she she meant it when she said it but like every single time she forgets right away what she says without even thinking about it for a second and starts to get mad at me which is just extremely annoying and frustrating. I just feel like there’s a better way to communicate between us instead of going back and forth and ends up in arguments. And sometimes even if she finally admits and remembers what she actually said, she’ll be like oh so what I didn’t remember what I said or so what if I put it that way what is the big deal here. Which just adds onto the frustration and irritation! I don’t know if I need to be a better communicator or if I keep triggering her rage but I feel like I don’t see this conflict with any other people and their parents. Any advice or suggestion is much appreciated! Thank you.

TLDR: mom doesn’t remember what she said a second ago for some reason and refuses to admit what she said and blames me for making it a big deal even though what she said is mildly irritating.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/kittyOop3 on 2024-01-03 21:49:31+00:00.

I (29F) dated my ex (29M) for about 3 years. Within those 3 years my mom passed away and then most recently my younger brother passed away. A year into the relationship my mom passed away and my ex got sent out of state for work so we dated long distance. I would visit him for a week or two at a time, all while grieving my mom. After about a month he expected me to be over it, he never would communicate things with me and if I tried talking about anything serious he’d start yelling or deflect and change the subject. This would drive me crazy because I would never have closure on anything. I could never get a straight forward answer to an issue we were discussing. Due to this I’d ask the same questions every few weeks/months and he’d yell and say I’m nagging him or he’d tell me what I wanted to hear to shut me up and then when the time came would tell me he said it to make me stop. Every single time he came home he wanted to go out to clubs and then hangout in someone’s trash kitchen until 6AM after the bars, if I asked if we could ever just do something he’d get mad and say that he’s home and he never is so we have to do what he wants. When we’d go out he’d get beyond blacked out and I’d be stuck taking care of him, his friends had no idea how he got once home. He’s 6’4” and would crawl under his bed, he’d start dumping dish soap in his mouth, talking to me like garbage and the list goes on. The entire time I would be calm and just deal with it. He’d say I ruin his time and all of this but never would see what I have to put up with when he goes out. He’d get my hopes up to move in together. If he didn’t like how a call was going he’d just hang up on me. Any little thing not going his way he’d just get pissed and somehow it was my fault and “I make him like this”. He doesn’t know when to put a healthy boundary between his personal life and work so he’s always stressed from work and blames me why he’s crabby. He forced me to get an abortion where he was literally screaming at me that he’s not going to help and all this terrible stuff. He promised if I did get one that he’d get therapy(he never did). While still pregnant he would get mad while we were out because I didn’t feel good and felt lost because i had a partner who was the most unsupportive person ever and just wanted to go home. It was my fault i was pregnant and not his according to him. He made it seem like i was insane to his friends but they had no idea what he was putting me through. My brother then passed away, two days after he was trying to go out, he kept telling me to purposely stress me out that he doesn’t know if he can get work off for my brothers funeral. At my brothers funeral he got beyond wasted. He told me I need to get over my mom and brother dying and that it’s not his problem. On Mother’s Day he completely ignored me and when he talked to me he was beyond nasty. Fast forward to July he goes back to work in another state and for a week everything was fine until I woke up one morning and was blocked on absolutely everything with no explanation. This sent me into a spiral especially because I didn’t know what I did or what was going on. When I was able to get ahold of him he wouldn’t explain why I’m blocked. He’d just say the nastiest meanest things humanly possible. He then invited me to visit him in august for his birthday and was nice until my flight back home got cancelled. He told me to figure it out and blocked me again, no other flights were available and there were no rental cars available either so I was panicking in a state I didn’t live in. I ubered back to his place and he came back from work and slammed the door in my face and wouldn’t let me in. I finally had to get help from my dad for a possible hotel but i first needed to charge my phone. As soon as my dad texted him he let me in and acted as if he didn’t do anything. Also during this visit we RSVP’d to a wedding we were both invited to. When I got home he had me send him a package and once he got it he said I’m not going to the wedding and blocked me again. I went to HS with the bride and he went to college with the groom. I told him he doesn’t make that call. He asked me to bring a gift from both of us (I can’t make this up). I said of course, so I gave them a card with $200 and signed it just from me since he didn’t contribute anything. He still thinks he gave them a gift. But after that he got my hopes up to try again and once he left was nasty yet again. Most recently I saw him last week when he came home for the first time since September. I had to grab some stuff from his place and he was being super nice, he gave me Christmas gifts?, had me sleep over, said we can try dating again, did the usual and got my hopes up. Wednesday he said he was going out of state skiing. But I was shown on Friday that he was still at home and going out. I went to where he was and confronted him and he ran from the place and left me with no explanation. The following day he went to NY for NYE and I completely lost it. I was so hurt with him promising me all this stuff only to lie this extreme. He won’t give me an explanation why he’d get my hopes up and lie like this and not include me especially when he knows how terrible the holidays are for me. He’s telling me I’m a crazy psycho for finding him out. I told him idk what kind of response he expected when he lied like that, he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with what he did. He’s now just saying nasty mean things to me.

I KNOW I need to stop talking to him, I WANT TO but my head just isn’t letting me. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and they said due to the sudden loss of my mom and brother I have abandonment issues which is what my ex is triggering even though I know I shouldn’t think he’s a loss my body is responding to it like it is. He keeps knowingly getting my hopes up and breadcrumbing me.

Has anyone dealt with something similar to this and how did you deal with it? It feels impossible but how do I make myself stop caring about him? Normally I’d easily be able to just be done but with all the loss I’ve had I’m just broken. Sorry if this is confusing or doesn’t make any sense at points. TLDR: I’m in such a broken place how do I completely cut off my ex and stop caring? I know I need to but my head isn’t letting me due to traumas

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/mymasboy on 2024-01-03 21:39:07+00:00.

Hi, first of all I think I should a summary about myself, first of all I am trans man, I was assigned female at birth but I identify as male, I just finished high school and I am 18. But I am not out as trans yet. So basically everyone thinks I am just really masculine looking "girl".

Uh, basically, I am not from the states and here where I live we can do normal school and any technical curse together (we call this professional school idk if u guys have it too or not), I am technician nurse at 18 because of it, and we work in many medical places in a internship here where I live so we can basically to acquire the hours necessary to get our degrees. I am trying to explain this but my english isn't very good, so I am sorry if you guys can't understand what I am try to explain.

But basically, I ended up working in this medical clinic and ended meeting this guy, who I will call John for privacy reason, John is a guy in his 50s that at first seemed really nice. We had this SH and "self unaliving" prevention speak at this clinic in September (I will not write the actual words here bc I am afraid that it would ended up with a ban) at September where I ended up sharing my own struggles with depression and general anxiety. John met up with me privately and told me his struggles with it as well, I felt bad for him so I told him that if felt like he needed help he could count with me. Then, he started following in social media at that time I was 17 at the time.

At first I felt really bad for him, because he told that he had struggles with deep depression and about his problems in his personal live. Like he lived with very old parents in a almost dessert place, he was a closed bisexual man, he had to take care of his parents all the time, they didn't understand him... Stuff like this so I always tried to be nice.

Then he started sending some real weird stuff about trans people, like he was bi bc he liked the "male part" (the private area) of any trans woman, that he never really had relationships with cis gay man because they were too stressful for him, that he used to have sex with lesbians as a "friend", he started talking about his sex life and I was really freaking scared, I would just ignore it but he always sended again. Then he would talk about his depression and unaliving attempts right after saying that stuff I would feel bad for him, and everything that he told me that I felt like I should block him and run for the mountains.

He started asking me about a old classmate of mine (She is a openly lesbian girl) because she stopped talking to him all of the sudden. I told him she was lesbian and he told me he couldn't believe in it because she didn't looked like one. But since she liked girls he could still be friends with her and pull his interest in her at side. I felt disgusted by it but then he started talking about his depression again.

But I was kind of scared, because I knew that me and my group (Our internship is like a school thing, like I have some ex-classmates as my colleagues at work, it's difficult to explain it in english) would ended up coming back to that clinic eventually.

The last drop for me was when he started video calling me at my internship, I was freaked out by it. So I blocked him right after that. (We have multiple places where we are interns) I feel stupid and I feel like I should never give him my contact at first place, or maybe, I should just have blocked him earlier.

And my worst fear became reality today. We came back to that clinic today.

Dude, the first thing that happens when I get into the clinics door, I ask the doorman where can I stay at first as our mentor hadn't arrived yet(Our mentor idk what to call her in English, but she was a teacher about nurse subjects and now watches over us in our actual internship) I was the first one to arrive in the clinic since my colleagues were still on their way. And right after asking this to the doorman, I hear John's voice. He calls me by deadname and that moment I had freezed.

He came running and hugged me, gave a really disgusting kiss at my neck and literally smelled me in, as writing this I having shivers down my spine just to remember it. I wanted to scream and push him, tell him to get the hell away from me but I just stared at him. He told that he missed me and other stuff that I really can't remember right now. I didn't answered him at all, I just said when he asked why did I stopped answering him, I told him my phone had broked and that I got a new one

After that, I basically hide out in the clinic until my group arrived bc he was asking me to get where he works so I wouldn't be alone, after my group arrived and I got out, John hugged everyone again, and after that my day had started to be somehow normal again.

Right after our shift ended, I was talking to my teacher and colleagues and suddenly John came out again. He hugged everyone again, every single one of my colleagues but at the moment he came to hug me I stepped back, and my teacher/mentor told him "John, no hugs."

I don't know what to do now, this like a real important deal for me because I need to end this internship to get my diploma as nurse technician. I really don't know if my teacher knows about his behavior but I heard with classmate that he would talk a lot about me, like all the time. Even after I blocked him at everything.

I don't know what do now because I will spent the entire January at this clinic

TL;DR: Creepy coworker told me about his personal struggles with depression and SH and I really felt bad for him because I have dealed with this before, he starts to make creepy sexual comments about trans and LGBT people in general, started video calling me so I blocked him. I came back to that work place again after a few months, and he is right after me. I don't know how to deal with him.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/C3413D on 2024-01-03 21:08:03+00:00.

I started seeing someone about 5 months ago. She's a confident and outgoing person and has a really solid sense of self. However a few months in she started saying things like 'I put on some weight over the last few months', 'There's no way I would fit in these shorts any more', 'Don't know if you've noticed but since meeting you I've gained lots of weight' (she wasn't suggesting I was the reason or the relationship but just a comment about how pre relationship she was skinner, almost ashoring me she wasn't always this new weight), 'I'll have to join a gym soon' and she will show me photos from a year or two ago and say 'Those were skinner days'. Each time she's mentioned things like this I've replied with things like 'I love your body the way it is', 'please don't say things like that about your body, you eat really well and are active so that's the most important thing, right?', 'you don't need to hide your stomach, I think you look hot' or sometimes I will just let the comment pass and not say anything. Now we aren't talking serious body image issues or anything like that, it's more that she's getting self conscious about her body because she's gained 5-10kgs (complete guess).

I don't know what the right approach is and if t. comments/ lack of comments I'm making are making it worse for her. I want to support her in her choices and don't want to ignore her comments but don't want her to think that her weight is something that changes how I feel about her or how attracted I am to her.

Anyone dealt with this before or know how to approach this in a positive way?

TL;DR;: New partner routinely makes comments about her weight gain over the last few months and I want to support her the best I can because I love her just the way she is.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/HauntingStructure457 on 2024-01-03 20:47:24+00:00.

My boyfriend is a musician. When we met, he was down on his luck and had lost some of his music equipment. I have had the utmost admiration for those who play music for years now as I never learned how to play an instrument, so I wanted him to continue working on music. I helped with getting his equipment back and on top of that, helped with getting him two new guitars. I love his music, so I supported a potential endeavor of his to record new music after so long. I helped with keeping track of his funds so he could make the trip six hours away from where we're located to a friend's place to work on recording the new album for a week.

I have sat, listened, and discussed his music with him more times than I can count. I'm supposedly the first person he wants listening to his music and my opinion holds some weight. In addition to that, there were some snags with the photo that would be used as the cover of the EP he recorded, so I made the arrangements for a friend of mine to take the photo. The release date of the EP has come and gone. He posted about it on social media and credited the friend who recorded and produced the album. The friend who took the photo. That's it. Is it wrong of me to feel hurt with being left out? I know everybody is different, but I know if the roles were reversed, it would be a no brainer to thank my partner for supporting me with something that meant something to me.

I brought it up and was told that it's just social media and it doesn't matter. My thought process is he took the time to thank other people that helped in this musical endeavor and I was told that I didn't record him and that I was a narcissist for wanting any level of credit for something he's been doing well before he met me. I agree social media doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, but this man has never acknowledged me as anything online. He has his exes on his profile and has a decent sized following. When I mention feeling like I'm being hidden, I'm told that what I'm saying is stupid and that it's "just social media" and that I haven't acknowledged him. I really don't have anybody on my page with this particular social media website and as stupid as it sounds, I don't know how this man has posted all about former exes all willy nilly, but I'm not worth the time and I'm expected to take the first step after being made to feel less than.

He also says that people in proximity know we're together, so what does social media matter? I can't wrap my head around how I am made to feel hidden when I supposedly play such an important role in his life. I honestly feel like he just wants to be seen as a solitary person online for whatever reasons he has in mind. There's so much room for assumptions when I can't verbalize anything without being shut down and told it's stupid.

This is such a jumble of everything and I'm sorry for that. I just needed to vent and step outside of the echo chamber to see what other people think.

TL;DR Boyfriend is a musician and doesn't acknowledge me online. I can't say anything about it because it's "just social media" and it's deemed stupid.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/mymasboy on 2024-01-03 21:39:07+00:00.

Hi, first of all I think I should a summary about myself, first of all I am trans man, I was assigned female at birth but I identify as male, I just finished high school and I am 18. But I am not out as trans yet. So basically everyone thinks I am just really masculine looking "girl".

Uh, basically, I am not from the states and here where I live we can do normal school and any technical curse together (we call this professional school idk if u guys have it too or not), I am technician nurse at 18 because of it, and we work in many medical places in a internship here where I live so we can basically to acquire the hours necessary to get our degrees. I am trying to explain this but my english isn't very good, so I am sorry if you guys can't understand what I am try to explain.

But basically, I ended up working in this medical clinic and ended meeting this guy, who I will call John for privacy reason, John is a guy in his 50s that at first seemed really nice. We had this SH and "self unaliving" prevention speak at this clinic in September (I will not write the actual words here bc I am afraid that it would ended up with a ban) at September where I ended up sharing my own struggles with depression and general anxiety. John met up with me privately and told me his struggles with it as well, I felt bad for him so I told him that if felt like he needed help he could count with me. Then, he started following in social media at that time I was 17 at the time.

At first I felt really bad for him, because he told that he had struggles with deep depression and about his problems in his personal live. Like he lived with very old parents in a almost dessert place, he was a closed bisexual man, he had to take care of his parents all the time, they didn't understand him... Stuff like this so I always tried to be nice.

Then he started sending some real weird stuff about trans people, like he was bi bc he liked the "male part" (the private area) of any trans woman, that he never really had relationships with cis gay man because they were too stressful for him, that he used to have sex with lesbians as a "friend", he started talking about his sex life and I was really freaking scared, I would just ignore it but he always sended again. Then he would talk about his depression and unaliving attempts right after saying that stuff I would feel bad for him, and everything that he told me that I felt like I should block him and run for the mountains.

He started asking me about a old classmate of mine (She is a openly lesbian girl) because she stopped talking to him all of the sudden. I told him she was lesbian and he told me he couldn't believe in it because she didn't looked like one. But since she liked girls he could still be friends with her and pull his interest in her at side. I felt disgusted by it but then he started talking about his depression again.

But I was kind of scared, because I knew that me and my group (Our internship is like a school thing, like I have some ex-classmates as my colleagues at work, it's difficult to explain it in english) would ended up coming back to that clinic eventually.

The last drop for me was when he started video calling me at my internship, I was freaked out by it. So I blocked him right after that. (We have multiple places where we are interns) I feel stupid and I feel like I should never give him my contact at first place, or maybe, I should just have blocked him earlier.

And my worst fear became reality today. We came back to that clinic today.

Dude, the first thing that happens when I get into the clinics door, I ask the doorman where can I stay at first as our mentor hadn't arrived yet(Our mentor idk what to call her in English, but she was a teacher about nurse subjects and now watches over us in our actual internship) I was the first one to arrive in the clinic since my colleagues were still on their way. And right after asking this to the doorman, I hear John's voice. He calls me by deadname and that moment I had freezed.

He came running and hugged me, gave a really disgusting kiss at my neck and literally smelled me in, as writing this I having shivers down my spine just to remember it. I wanted to scream and push him, tell him to get the hell away from me but I just stared at him. He told that he missed me and other stuff that I really can't remember right now. I didn't answered him at all, I just said when he asked why did I stopped answering him, I told him my phone had broked and that I got a new one

After that, I basically hide out in the clinic until my group arrived bc he was asking me to get where he works so I wouldn't be alone, after my group arrived and I got out, John hugged everyone again, and after that my day had started to be somehow normal again.

Right after our shift ended, I was talking to my teacher and colleagues and suddenly John came out again. He hugged everyone again, every single one of my colleagues but at the moment he came to hug me I stepped back, and my teacher/mentor told him "John, no hugs."

I don't know what to do now, this like a real important deal for me because I need to end this internship to get my diploma as nurse technician. I really don't know if my teacher knows about his behavior but I heard with classmate that he would talk a lot about me, like all the time. Even after I blocked him at everything.

I don't know what do now because I will spent the entire January at this clinic

TL;DR: Creepy coworker told me about his personal struggles with depression and SH and I really felt bad for him because I have dealed with this before, he starts to make creepy sexual comments about trans and LGBT people in general, started video calling me so I blocked him. I came back to that work place again after a few months, and he is right after me. I don't know how to deal with him.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/222energy on 2024-01-03 20:15:25+00:00.

My (26F) boyfriend (29M) have been together for a little over a year. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We both have discussed having kids and have agreed we either don’t want them or if we did, it would be a long time from now because we’re not ready. Recently my pharmacy took forever to refill my birth control, I just wasn’t thinking and thought it would be fine if I took my bc a few days late (dumb on my part please be nice). I’ve been feeling really off the past month and had a feeling I was pregnant. I was supposed to get my period over 2 weeks ago, so yesterday morning I took a test and it’s positive. Took another one today and it’s even more clear than the first. I’ve made an appointment with Planned Parenthood for an abortion next week. I’m really nervous to tell my boyfriend because I don’t want him to think I’m irresponsible or dumb or someone who doesn’t have their life together. I’m scared it’s going to freak him out and he’s going to get distant. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. I know going through this alone isn’t going to be easy, and I know he isn’t going to try to persuade me to keep it. I’m just scared of losing him. Should I tell him or keep this to myself?

TLDR; I recently found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I don’t want kids, should I tell him I’m getting an abortion or leave him out of it?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/222energy on 2024-01-03 20:15:25+00:00.

My (26F) boyfriend (29M) have been together for a little over a year. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We both have discussed having kids and have agreed we either don’t want them or if we did, it would be a long time from now because we’re not ready. Recently my pharmacy took forever to refill my birth control, I just wasn’t thinking and thought it would be fine if I took my bc a few days late (dumb on my part please be nice). I’ve been feeling really off the past month and had a feeling I was pregnant. I was supposed to get my period over 2 weeks ago, so yesterday morning I took a test and it’s positive. Took another one today and it’s even more clear than the first. I’ve made an appointment with Planned Parenthood for an abortion next week. I’m really nervous to tell my boyfriend because I don’t want him to think I’m irresponsible or dumb or someone who doesn’t have their life together. I’m scared it’s going to freak him out and he’s going to get distant. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. I know going through this alone isn’t going to be easy, and I know he isn’t going to try to persuade me to keep it. I’m just scared of losing him. Should I tell him or keep this to myself?

TLDR; I recently found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I don’t want kids, should I tell him I’m getting an abortion or leave him out of it?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/TA_CSMTB on 2024-01-03 19:15:13+00:00.

Throwaway account. Apologies for the length but this is really troubling me. Names have been changed.

I (39F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, Bryan (42M), for a year or so. We're in love and are talking about moving in together when my lease expires in 6 months. From the beginning, I knew he was divorced for 5 years and had 2 school aged kids named Alex (10F) and Dan (8M). When things started getting serious between us, Bryan told me the reason he and his ex, Alyssa, divorced. Bryan had an affair with a coworker, Alyssa found out and filed for divorce. Bryan told me that he regrets cheating on Alyssa and that he set a terrible example for Alex and Dan. He wouldn't blame me if I considered it a dealbreaker.

Despite my issues with cheating (my mom left my dad for another man when I was his kids' age), I believe that people can change and I believed Bryan was remorseful. Maybe that's naive of me, I don't know. I thanked him for telling me and told him that I accepted him in spite of his past.

Alyssa has primary custody but Bryan has them during the weekends and some holidays. Because we were talking about moving in together, Bryan proposed that I meet Alex and Dan at dinner. I agreed and asked him to tell Alyssa, figuring she'd want to know (I sure would myself if I was in her shoes).

We met at a restaurant shortly before Christmas and everything went great. The kids and I were understandably nervous at first but by the time dessert rolled around, we were laughing and (I thought) having a good time. Alex and Dan are great kids and I said as much to Bryan as we were leaving.

Last Friday, Bryan had Alex and Dan and we decided to go to the mall together. Alex wanted to go to Ulta Beauty and I went with her while Bryan and Dan went to the Apple Store. She fell in love with a small bottle of purple nail polish and I decided to purchase it for her. To be fair to Dan, I purchased an ITunes gift card (of the same amount) so he can listen to music on his IPad. I told the kids it was a late Christmas present from me.

The kids were very grateful and even made me a Thank You card. I was moved and thanked them.

Now, I had never met Alyssa before any of this. I made it clear to Bryan that if she wants to meet me (or not) is her choice and hers alone and whatever it is, I would respect it.

Last night, I got a call from Alyssa. I wasn't surprised she had my number because I figured the kids or Bryan must've given it to her. She asked me why I bought the kids Christmas presents. I explained the situation. She told me that she didn't want me hanging around Alex or Dan before hanging up.

I don't know what to do. Bryan is at work and won't be off until tonight so I have some time to come up with a plan. As much as I love Bryan...I don't want to come between him and his kids. He made a terrible decision, yes, but I know he loves Alex and Dan and has been doing his best to make it up to them. I don't know if Alyssa thinks I'm the woman Bryan cheated with or what.

If we're going to be living together in the future, the kids are going to be a part of my life. And I want to be part of their lives if they want me to be. As I said, they're great kids. I can't take the place of their mother and I don't want to. I want us to have a good relationship with each other.

So what do I do? Did I do the wrong thing in buying the nail polish and gift card?

TLDR: Boyfriend's ex wife told me to stay away from their kids after I bought them small Christmas presents and I don't know what do.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/TA_CSMTB on 2024-01-03 19:15:13+00:00.

Throwaway account. Apologies for the length but this is really troubling me. Names have been changed.

I (39F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, Bryan (42M), for a year or so. We're in love and are talking about moving in together when my lease expires in 6 months. From the beginning, I knew he was divorced for 5 years and had 2 school aged kids named Alex (10F) and Dan (8M). When things started getting serious between us, Bryan told me the reason he and his ex, Alyssa, divorced. Bryan had an affair with a coworker, Alyssa found out and filed for divorce. Bryan told me that he regrets cheating on Alyssa and that he set a terrible example for Alex and Dan. He wouldn't blame me if I considered it a dealbreaker.

Despite my issues with cheating (my mom left my dad for another man when I was his kids' age), I believe that people can change and I believed Bryan was remorseful. Maybe that's naive of me, I don't know. I thanked him for telling me and told him that I accepted him in spite of his past.

Alyssa has primary custody but Bryan has them during the weekends and some holidays. Because we were talking about moving in together, Bryan proposed that I meet Alex and Dan at dinner. I agreed and asked him to tell Alyssa, figuring she'd want to know (I sure would myself if I was in her shoes).

We met at a restaurant shortly before Christmas and everything went great. The kids and I were understandably nervous at first but by the time dessert rolled around, we were laughing and (I thought) having a good time. Alex and Dan are great kids and I said as much to Bryan as we were leaving.

Last Friday, Bryan had Alex and Dan and we decided to go to the mall together. Alex wanted to go to Ulta Beauty and I went with her while Bryan and Dan went to the Apple Store. She fell in love with a small bottle of purple nail polish and I decided to purchase it for her. To be fair to Dan, I purchased an ITunes gift card (of the same amount) so he can listen to music on his IPad. I told the kids it was a late Christmas present from me.

The kids were very grateful and even made me a Thank You card. I was moved and thanked them.

Now, I had never met Alyssa before any of this. I made it clear to Bryan that if she wants to meet me (or not) is her choice and hers alone and whatever it is, I would respect it.

Last night, I got a call from Alyssa. I wasn't surprised she had my number because I figured the kids or Bryan must've given it to her. She asked me why I bought the kids Christmas presents. I explained the situation. She told me that she didn't want me hanging around Alex or Dan before hanging up.

I don't know what to do. Bryan is at work and won't be off until tonight so I have some time to come up with a plan. As much as I love Bryan...I don't want to come between him and his kids. He made a terrible decision, yes, but I know he loves Alex and Dan and has been doing his best to make it up to them. I don't know if Alyssa thinks I'm the woman Bryan cheated with or what.

If we're going to be living together in the future, the kids are going to be a part of my life. And I want to be part of their lives if they want me to be. As I said, they're great kids. I can't take the place of their mother and I don't want to. I want us to have a good relationship with each other.

So what do I do? Did I do the wrong thing in buying the nail polish and gift card?

TLDR: Boyfriend's ex wife told me to stay away from their kids after I bought them small Christmas presents and I don't know what do.