Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA_Tea_6494 on 2024-01-02 03:23:29+00:00.

At this point I'm wondering if this can even be fixed. We've been together for 6 years with these types of issues for a lot of them, but they appear to be getting worse.

For the holidays I flew to see my family for 5 days. He can't come because for 3 of those days it was going to be just me and my sisters (who I haven't seen in a year). But honestly it shouldn't be a big deal. He's gone away by himself for the holidays before.

Everything was great between us, but while I was waiting at the airport to fly out he texted with his request. He said he was in pain and needed to get in to see a dentist that day. I said I'd try but I wouldn't have wifi on the (5 hour) flight, and googled 2 numbers near him and suggested he call when they opened.

Once I landed etc, my sister picked me up and we spent the next 2 hours straight talking. By then any dentist would have been closed, and truthfully I kind of had forgotten. I assumed he would have called dentists and gotten himself an appointment.

He texted me saying:

Him: any luck?

Me: no. :( didn't you get in to see one?

Him: no...did you even try?

Me: I can try tomorrow morning.

Him: so you didn't even try to help me when I asked, and you didn't even bother to tell me you weren't helping me.

I then said that I was indisposed most of the day and that he could make an appointment for himself much easier than I could on a travel day. He said he was in "too much pain" to make an appointment (I honestly doubt that for many reasons) and proceeded to become very angry. Calling me self centered, selfish, etc. Saying if we can't count on each other, what is the point of even being in a relationship? For the record, it's not like he ever does anything like this for me, nor do I even ask him to. He continued to insult me saying that I think I'm "fiercely independent" (I've never described myself like that) and that he thinks people who feel that way will die alone.

I admittedly started getting angry at him as well because he has a strong tendency to do things like this when I'm busy. It ended up being a very nasty texting argument that put a damper on my time with my family.

When I tell him that I feel he's doing this because he doesn't like when my attention is off him, he says no way, that's not true. And tells me I'm self-centered and gaslighting him. From my perspective he keeps inventing "crisis situations" that aren't actually a big deal and causes a lot of weird chaos.

I do want to be with him, but I don't want these issues all the time. A couple of years ago it was pretty bad and I insisted he get a therapist. He then told me his therapist said I'm no good for him, but he wants to be with me anyway because he's in love with me.

How on earth do I deal with this? I want for us to be healthy. With normal communication. It feels like this is very abnormal, but when I point it out he just tells me that I don't accept responsibility for my part in the conflicts. But that's because I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong.

Are we just doomed? Should we try couple's counselling? At this point I'm truly confused.

tldr: bf makes annoying requests of me whenever I'm busy with something else and often becomes furious if I can't help him during theses times.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Haunting_Ad6525 on 2024-01-02 03:48:40+00:00.

My boyfriend and I have been together for around 8 months. Through these times, we always shared a dream together that we could move in with each other because we're long distance (in the same country). This gave me hope through the relationship because physical touch and acts of service are my main love languages and only being able to see him a few times a year has been really hard on me. He also isn't very accommodating when I visit him so I've been hesitant to keep visiting him.

Recently I received the opportunity to gain access to a property my parents own. I would pay for most of the morgage and they would let me stay as long as I'd liked (it's a pretty nice house). I was ecstatic and the first thing I did was message my boyfriend because we always talked about moving in with one another and dreaming over it. We created so many scenarios of us being happy together living with one another.

Well, he told me that he didn't want to move in with me anymore because it was so far from his family. He told me that on paper it sounded good, but when I actually confronted him with a genuine proposition, he couldn't even think of leaving his family behind and going that far. I was shocked and hurt and betrayed because i thought moving in together was something we've both been dreaming of since the start of the relationship and I thought we were on the same page that we would move in together whenever the opportunity struck. I told him this and that I felt like he led me on. He told me, "people change" and that he didn't lead me on because he genuinely believed he wanted to move in with me too. I was absolutely furious with him because I just feel like he completely betrayed me and suddenly flipped and that he didn't truly believe he wanted to move in with me. I don't know if im overreacting or selfish because I want him to sacrifice his personal life for me. But I'm so distraught that he made me believe in something that he didn't believe in himself. I really don't know what to do because he said he'd only move in with me if it was near his family and I can't move away from my home right now because I'm attending college. What should I do from here and how should I handle the situation? I feel like I might not be in a rational state of mind but I just feel so upset.

TL;DR: My boyfriend and I shared a dream of moving in, but when I told him we could move in together when I moved out, he completely rejected it and now I feel betrayed and led on.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Apart_Expression_751 on 2024-01-02 02:40:37+00:00.

I'm (27M) an anxious person so I understand that a lot of this is my own fault but I am still struggling to find peace within myself so I really would appreciate and only need some guidance with this. My partner (26F) of 5 years and I took a break early last year that felt more like a breakup than anything. It lasted a couple of weeks and it took a couple of months for things to find a new "normal". Since then the toxicity in our relationship has subsided, and I can confidently say that we're doing good. HOWEVER, I'm an anxious person and of course the fact that things weren't okay enough for us to push need a break is bad enough to have my mind counting the days until the anniversary of the break. We don't talk about it and our dynamic is so good that one wouldn't think that we were there a year ago. I can't help but feel like we avoid talking about it but maybe it's because it's not a thing. I brought it up to her earlier today since I wanted to "leave it" in 2023 and she got really uncomfortable. I am scared that my anxiety about it will make it a "thing" How would y'all go about tackling this? I'm seeing a therapist but their "see it as a blessing" since we're doing "great" approach is not helping me.

TLDR: My partner (26F) of 5 years and I (27M) took a break last year and I can't stop worrying about it happening again even though things have improved 1000x since. Im afraid that my anxiety will lead to self destruction but I am not sure how not to worry. I spoke to her about it but her reaction just made me more anxious and my therapist's current approach isn't helping.

Thank you in advance for your advice, kindness

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Sy0nide_ on 2024-01-02 02:27:16+00:00.

We've been together officially for 3 months but were talking for almost a year. It wasn't until right before we were official that we knew what each other ages were.

Age aside he's exactly the type of person I want. He's respectful, funny, attractive [like exactly my type] and smart. We have so many of the same interests when it comes to movies, music, outdoor activities etc.

I've met a couple of his friends and heard so many stories about his past and it bothers me so much knowing he's had a lot of past girlfriends, experiences and adventures while I am just starting my own life.

We just took our first trip together to New Orleans and of course after all our walking and drinking he was more beat than I was each night and morning after. All it made me think of is the fact he won't be able to do much of anything in some years time while I'll still have my energy and youth.

What makes it worse is how much he smokes along with drinking and how much less he's getting excercise. In his teens to 20s he was a lot more active, fit and healthy. I'm afraid that his habits are just going to make him deteriorate and age faster and I won't have much time with him at all before he's gone.

Not sure if I'm overthinking about this or being selfish but I really do want Him. Even he's said he wish we met when we're both 23. I don't want to settle in a boring house with him while he's barely able to move one day but I also don't want to lose a good guy.

TL;DR My(23f) wonderful boyfriend(38m) is 15 years older than me, already experienced pretty much everything in life and is starting to slow down while I'm still young and want to experience a full life with him.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ash_Queen77 on 2024-01-02 02:14:31+00:00.

Sorry for the out of order story and mess, I'm just trembling and can't think too right. We've been together for 2 year and a half and living together for 2 years. Lately we've been fighting a bit. And I thought we talked it out and were better. Today he was really sick with a toothache that started after 10pm, he didn't want to go to emergency services so I helped him as much as I could. After he finally fell asleep at 2 am on the couch, I took his phone to set up his alarm for work tomorrow so he could call in sick before going to bed myself.

Except I was greeted with a tinder notification. Very early on he said that cheating was the one thing that was unforgivable for him. And I trusted him. He gave me his phone password immediately even though I never asked for it and was very trusting so I never felt the need to look further.

In the tinder app, his profile says open relationship, looking for fun ect. He told me he couldn't do one night stands. all conversation were from before we met except one in November with his ex. Only 2 messages there, I went on their WhatsApp conversation. Yes I that point I felt entitled to snoop. Back in November she says she saw him on tinder and was sad for me, he says no it's not over she says open relationship then ? He says no no that either to which she said chic. He then said it's for toilet reading when I've read all the news and I'll catch up with you when we see each other about it.

I knew he was in contact with his ex he was very open that they dated in high school and were still friends because they're part on the same group friend. It bothered me a bit but more because of insecurity than anything else and I never questioned it or made a thing about it.

I don't know what to make of it, I'm just sitting on the couch in the dark while he's still sleeping and I don't have the heart to wake him after all the pain he's been in today. I don't know if anything physical ever happened with anyone or if it's all just online.

For anyone that's been through this, how did you get over it/ approach it ?

TL;DR : found out my boyfriend is on twitter as well as talking to his ex about me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Pretty_Low_6152 on 2024-01-02 00:50:33+00:00.

So I (19f) recently started dating my guy best friend(19m) of almost 2 years. We have been official for 3 months. We've been doing couple stuff since September so we have no problem being a couple. We struggle with getting fully to the next level of like kissing/cuddling and doing intimate things. We both have roommates as well and are in college. I do have some reason to think that it's due to his religious upbringing but talking about religion was something we planned on talking about after our winter break. It's hard to date but not be much "more" than when we were friends. Any help or advice is appreciated!!

TL;DR! - dating for 2 months but lack intimacy due to it being awkward. Want to know ways to make it less awk and be more intimate.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA_Tea_6494 on 2024-01-02 03:23:29+00:00.

At this point I'm wondering if this can even be fixed. We've been together for 6 years with these types of issues for a lot of them, but they appear to be getting worse.

For the holidays I flew to see my family for 5 days. He can't come because for 3 of those days it was going to be just me and my sisters (who I haven't seen in a year). But honestly it shouldn't be a big deal. He's gone away by himself for the holidays before.

Everything was great between us, but while I was waiting at the airport to fly out he texted with his request. He said he was in pain and needed to get in to see a dentist that day. I said I'd try but I wouldn't have wifi on the (5 hour) flight, and googled 2 numbers near him and suggested he call when they opened.

Once I landed etc, my sister picked me up and we spent the next 2 hours straight talking. By then any dentist would have been closed, and truthfully I kind of had forgotten. I assumed he would have called dentists and gotten himself an appointment.

He texted me saying:

Him: any luck?

Me: no. :( didn't you get in to see one?

Him: no...did you even try?

Me: I can try tomorrow morning.

Him: so you didn't even try to help me when I asked, and you didn't even bother to tell me you weren't helping me.

I then said that I was indisposed most of the day and that he could make an appointment for himself much easier than I could on a travel day. He said he was in "too much pain" to make an appointment (I honestly doubt that for many reasons) and proceeded to become very angry. Calling me self centered, selfish, etc. Saying if we can't count on each other, what is the point of even being in a relationship? For the record, it's not like he ever does anything like this for me, nor do I even ask him to. He continued to insult me saying that I think I'm "fiercely independent" (I've never described myself like that) and that he thinks people who feel that way will die alone.

I admittedly started getting angry at him as well because he has a strong tendency to do things like this when I'm busy. It ended up being a very nasty texting argument that put a damper on my time with my family.

When I tell him that I feel he's doing this because he doesn't like when my attention is off him, he says no way, that's not true. And tells me I'm self-centered and gaslighting him. From my perspective he keeps inventing "crisis situations" that aren't actually a big deal and causes a lot of weird chaos.

I do want to be with him, but I don't want these issues all the time. A couple of years ago it was pretty bad and I insisted he get a therapist. He then told me his therapist said I'm no good for him, but he wants to be with me anyway because he's in love with me.

How on earth do I deal with this? I want for us to be healthy. With normal communication. It feels like this is very abnormal, but when I point it out he just tells me that I don't accept responsibility for my part in the conflicts. But that's because I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong.

Are we just doomed? Should we try couple's counselling? At this point I'm truly confused.

tldr: bf makes annoying requests of me whenever I'm busy with something else and often becomes furious if I can't help him during theses times.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ash_Queen77 on 2024-01-02 02:14:31+00:00.

Sorry for the out of order story and mess, I'm just trembling and can't think too right. We've been together for 2 year and a half and living together for 2 years. Lately we've been fighting a bit. And I thought we talked it out and were better. Today he was really sick with a toothache that started after 10pm, he didn't want to go to emergency services so I helped him as much as I could. After he finally fell asleep at 2 am on the couch, I took his phone to set up his alarm for work tomorrow so he could call in sick before going to bed myself.

Except I was greeted with a tinder notification. Very early on he said that cheating was the one thing that was unforgivable for him. And I trusted him. He gave me his phone password immediately even though I never asked for it and was very trusting so I never felt the need to look further.

In the tinder app, his profile says open relationship, looking for fun ect. He told me he couldn't do one night stands. all conversation were from before we met except one in November with his ex. Only 2 messages there, I went on their WhatsApp conversation. Yes I that point I felt entitled to snoop. Back in November she says she saw him on tinder and was sad for me, he says no it's not over she says open relationship then ? He says no no that either to which she said chic. He then said it's for toilet reading when I've read all the news and I'll catch up with you when we see each other about it.

I knew he was in contact with his ex he was very open that they dated in high school and were still friends because they're part on the same group friend. It bothered me a bit but more because of insecurity than anything else and I never questioned it or made a thing about it.

I don't know what to make of it, I'm just sitting on the couch in the dark while he's still sleeping and I don't have the heart to wake him after all the pain he's been in today. I don't know if anything physical ever happened with anyone or if it's all just online.

For anyone that's been through this, how did you get over it/ approach it ?

TL;DR : found out my boyfriend is on twitter as well as talking to his ex about me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Senior_Ad_3518 on 2024-01-02 02:02:06+00:00.

I recently lost my virginity with my girlfriend and my reaction wasn’t what we expected. During the making out everything was normal. But as more clothes started coming off I felt more nervous and anxious. While it all felt technically good, I didn’t feel the elation I was anticipating and my girlfriend noticed, too.

While cuddling after, my girlfriend asked why I was being so distant and whether I was attracted to her. I didn’t know why I felt “distant” from her but I told her I’m attracted to her. She said it didn’t seem like I wanted it most of the time. I apologized but I really had no explanation for how I felt. She cried a bit and it felt horrible.

I’m pretty damn sure I’m straight, so I guess I just don’t know what the fuck happened. I was looking forward to it but as things advanced I started feeling very nervous. Her kisses and hair and skin felt AMAZING but it didn’t feel like I actually wanted to do the deed for some reason.

How to understand what happened and how to reassure my girlfriend I like her and want us to have more sex?

tl;dr: I lost my virginity but felt very weird throughout. My girlfriend felt I was being distant, asked whether I was attracted to her at all, and cried. How to understand what happened, get over it, and reassure her?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwawayAntivaxBro on 2024-01-02 01:58:07+00:00.

Hey r/relationships!I'm in a bit of a pickle and could really use some opinion.

My brother Ben (33M) and I (37M) have always had a distant relationship. We grew up in a fundamentalist Christian church, but I left during high school. We ended up taking very different paths in life. Our mom left the church a few years after I did.

A few years ago, our mom (70F) received a family trust from her parents that allowed her just enough to live off. She moved to live with my wife and I in our multi-family home. She pays rent for her own unit, and struggles with chronic health issues (lung disease, severe osteoporosis, and mental illness). My wife and I help her around the house with errands, encourage her to be involved in her community, and we try to be there for her. We’re just thankful she moved here before COVID. So far neither she or we have come down with the virus.

For over a decade, Mom had been financially supporting my brother, giving him ~$1k monthly since he graduated college. Since then he has worked in retail, and grew a family with five children. His wife is a SAH mom. They've visited us twice since she moved here. Their kids are quite the handful (running all over, touching everything, etc.). After both visits, Mom ended up in the hospital with pneumonia which came from colds passed on from the kids.

Then COVID-19 hit. Ben’s wife is strongly antivax, expressing her opinion frequently on social media, and they haven't vaccinated their kids. Ben is pretty much on the same page as her.

So the drama began when he wanted to visit us, 1.5 years into the pandemic. We were up to date on vaccinations and doing fine. Then Ben asked to visit us. With their political/religious opinions clearly in view on SM, Mom expressed her worry to him given her health and past experiences with lung-related illnesses. She also worried about them getting sick with COVID and how it might affect the family especially since they depended on Ben as the breadwinner. He dismissed her concerns. She asked that they either not visit (wait it out) or get vaccinated. He refused and insisted on coming.

After what seemed like weeks of discussion with Mom, I suggested to her a drastic measure: that she should stop her monthly financial subsidy for him unless Ben gets vaccinated. To balance that measure, we agreed to offer to set up a 529 plan for his kids as an incentive, to help with college costs as they got older. Mom and I were on the same page about the risk of exposure to COVID. This was when serious illnesses and deaths from COVID still seemed scattershot and random to us.

She gave her ultimatum which led to a huge blowup and argument. Ben cut off contact with us, saying he was deeply offended that we thought he'd change his stance. Throughout this, we kept the rest of our family informed. We received no qualms about our approach from other family members. They generally sided with us and said it was sensible considering the circumstances with Mom's health.

Since then, we had a year of no contact from Ben. Naturally, I thought he and his wife were being ridiculous and insulting in how they had dismissed Mom’s concerns. However, I started steadily encouraging Mom to reach out to him since she was clearly heartbroken over the estrangement. He finally accepted a phone call from her and they started talking again, occasionally. She chose to not revisit antivax issue and move on immediately. And so they agreed on Ben coming out to visit her.

Their family is planning to come this weekend, and I'm torn about it since I am still rather bothered about his disregard for her health and how he blew up and went NC without trying to talk things through. Naturally, I haven’t received a word from him. I'm considering taking the initiative to call Ben to try and clear the air, maybe even ask for apologies from both ends. But another part of me is quite turned off by his attitude; I don’t particularly care about reconnecting since we've been distant for our whole lives. I do care about the kids, though.

What should I do? How do I navigate this visit without compromising my feelings or causing more family drama?

TL;DR: My estranged brother and his family are visiting after antivax drama, and I'm struggling with whether to try and fix things or just keep my distance.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/AcrobaticRise4538 on 2024-01-01 18:54:53+00:00.

My boyfriend often walks fast enough that he leaves me behind by several feet. When we've been with his family members, he also does it, so sometimes I'm talking to his sister and he's several feet ahead, regularly stopping for us to catch up.

I've bad because sometimes it comes off like he's mad at me for some reason. It's never really been the case but it still makes me feel like that.

Also, it's just confusing in general. If we just had a date in cafe where he was in a great mood and we had lively talks over food, he still kinda just walks off as soon as we leave.

I've told him several times to wait for me, sometimes in a joking manner, other times seriously.

How to get him to stop leaving me behind?

tl;dr: My boyfriend walks too fast and leaves me behind, regularly waiting for me to catch up. I've told him several times to not leave me behind and he keeps doing it. How to get him to walk more at my pace?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/cai_loser22 on 2024-01-02 00:22:22+00:00.

I have a severe anxiety disorder where things go from zero to 100 really fast. I come from a past of abuse and trauma which my bf knows about. But a few nights ago I unleashed everything and told him that I’m crazy and he should tell me to shut up and leave me and everything. He told me that I’m not crazy but he has no patience for this behavior because he’s not capable of hurting me how my past has hurt me. He said he was tired of people thinking the worst in him when he’s not capable of it. To which I understood. I apologized and realized what I did was entirely selfish (I can have anxiety and problems but it’s selfish to unleash them on other people, I’m also in therapy to help with this) and he told me “everyone I’ve been with has done this to me and I thought those relationships were going to last long so I dealt with it but I cannot take it anymore if this is going to be the normal with you and me because I won’t deal with that, your feelings are valid but if you didn’t understand how selfish that was of you I don’t know if I could’ve stayed with you” now I totally get how he could be upset by everyone thinking the worst of him, I’d hate it too. And since he dealt with this behavior from exes he didn’t want to deal with it again from me. Now here’s my dilemma, he said he dealt with it because he thought those relationships were going to last long but they all ended with him being cheated on so now that I’ve done the same thing he told me he didn’t have patience to tolerate it, does that mean he doesn’t see us lasting long? Or does that mean that since he dealt with that bullshit from people in his past and it didn’t work out he doesn’t want to deal with it from me and jeopardize everything between us and ruin his mental state by going through the same thing again.

Tl;dr: I let my anxiety get the best of me and my bf couldn’t handle it if it was to become the new normal between us.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok_Instruction_8613 on 2024-01-01 23:22:49+00:00.

tl;dr: Can't spend time with partner without video games/TV involved, partner is lazy and doesn't do anything without me telling them to, feeling less attracted to them because of it.

My partner and I have been best friends for almost 20 years and got together 6 months ago. We lived together for a few years prior. This has generally been OK but at times I regret it because of our difference in sex drive and because of feeling like they pressured me into a monogamous relationship when I have told them for years I don't want that. They also knew beforehand that I have low sex drive. I like having sex with them but I end up feeling guilty for not wanting to have sex as often as they do (often because of stress). I wish they would sleep with other people so it wouldn't be my problem. They get jealous and insecure and I do not. I find myself losing attraction to them when I am constantly working on creative projects and trying to learn new skills and they are sitting in their room playing video games.

We both work from home part-time. I also volunteer depending on my availability. Money is not an issue and we split expenses and are able to live comfortably and go out sometimes. I quit my full time job to go back to school (graduating in spring) and most of my time is devoted to homework, especially thesis.

We are both home a lot right now because of the holidays. I am on break from school but still working on thesis, volunteering, and working on professional goals. They stopped working over a month ago due to medical reasons (they have felt fine for 2+ weeks and have told me this) and have spent all their time playing video games or watching TV. I like video games too but I definitely have dealt with video game addiction in the past and am trying to limit how much time I spend playing them. They have talked a lot about wanting to do various creative projects and trying to find a different job. They also have talked for years about wanting to lose weight but they have done nothing at all to further this. They don't cook and we have an exercise bike which only I use. They have infinite free time and instead of putting it toward any of their goals, they waste all of it on games and TV. We have a shared online friend group, but all of our local friends we hang out with are people that I met and introduced them to. They also don't drive due to medical reasons so I have to drive us to anything that isn't in walking distance.

A year ago we started a collaborative project (making cosplay costumes). This was the first time either of us had tried something like this. They worked on their project for about 2 days and then gave up. I put over 100 hours into making my costume over several months and it turned out good. They constantly make comments about how they don't have the skills I do, even though I was learning at the same time as them (I'm a painter, not a costume designer). This really irritates me because I put a lot of time into watching tutorials on how to do the project and they didn't. I offered to help but they never accept. If I give advice, they ignore it and then things predictably go wrong. I gave them a lot of pep talks about how making mistakes is part of the learning process but nothing stuck. Once a month, they bring up how they're definitely going to start working on it again, but never do. At first I was supportive but now I tend to brush it off because I'm tired of hearing about it. They keep talking about buying a half-made costume so that they can finish it which seems lazy compared to the work I put in. Now I am working on a second costume so I can sell the first one, but I feel bitter that we aren't working on this together when they see me working and just go in their room and play video games instead. This would have been a nice way to spend time together, but instead they act like they are too stupid and inept to complete the same work I did when in reality they are just lazy and unwilling to do it.

Over the holidays I worked on a big volunteer project and also cooked a lot for friends and family Christmas parties. My partner hasn't cooked at all (they didn't help with any of the holiday cooking) and will only order food as a way to pay me back. (To their credit, they did help with the dishes after I cooked without me asking.) We visit my parents frequently. They always complain about how boring it is at my parents' house since there is nothing for them to do. My parents also asked them to contribute to the dinners my mom generously makes for us by cooking/buying food sometimes, but they haven't done it once, and this turned into me cooking things or buying baked goods on their behalf.

I also have spent a ton of time (and money) cleaning and organizing our apartment - my art supplies take up a lot of space so I found a way to get everything stored neatly so our living room still looks nice. I understand them not helping with the clutter since it is mostly mine, but they don't do any cleaning in our shared spaces without me asking first. They take the trash out and start/unload the dishwasher and that's it. Every time I go into their bedroom it is a huge mess and I have to move things out of the way in order to have sex. It feels like hooking up with some lazy college boy in his dorm.

Whenever we go out on a walk or to a museum or something I am interested in, they are constantly asking when we are going to go home because they want to go back to sitting in front of their PC and playing games. Otherwise they just stare at their phone. It feels like the only way we can spend time together at home is if there is a screen in front of us. If we aren't playing a video game or watching TV then they will leave and go to their room to play a game. I also get really annoyed listening to them yell at people in video games while I'm working. It is juvenile and affects my attraction to them, not to mention my focus when I'm trying to work.

I don't know how to deal with this long-term. Outside of the problems I listed, they are very considerate and we have been able to resolve most of our conflicts through talking. We are close and comfortable with each other in a way I've never been with anyone else. But they have been using their occasional medical issues excuse as a reason for playing video games 24/7 for the past four years. They play video games on their good days too and apparently they are in good enough health to want to have sex every day but not to clean their room. They always have an excuse why they can't do anything else with their time. It affects my interest in them romantically when they live like a teenage boy who does the bare minimum to get by day to day. I first saw the term "bang maid" a couple days ago and it feels like it fully sums up my experience of living with someone who doesn't cook, clean, or do anything productive with their free time, and still expects me to want to have sex with them every day. I feel like more of a mother than a partner and our relationship does not feel equal.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Less_Confusion7265 on 2024-01-01 23:20:10+00:00.

my bf (23m) said that he has not been happy in our relationship and does not enjoy what we do when we hang out. he said that he doesn’t want to do nothing or sit around together. he said he doesn’t like when i ask to hang out but don’t suggest something to do.

we do hang out and do stuff, go to dinner, movies, mall, climbing, explore, city trips, etc. but sometimes we just watch a show together. he thinks that going to dinner is just a way to waste time and does not enjoy these activities. the other night we went to dinner together and i had a good time but he said that he didn’t enjoy that and dinner is just about wasting time. he said that it’s sad i didn’t notice he had a bad time. i did notice but i tried to keep the convo going and by the end he seemed to be enjoying himself. it was sad to me that he just wanted to go home rather than be with me.

we don’t hang out during the week and really only see each other on the weekends. he also said he doesn’t want to text all day (which we don’t) and that he doesn’t want to have another obligation to respond to me.

in the end, i said that he could suggest activities that would interest him. i am always down to do what he wants to do. he said that for awhile he’s just been doing things with me to make me happy and he doesn’t enjoy them and they don’t interest him. when i suggest that he should pick/plan what we do then, he made a fuss saying that it shouldn’t be on him.

i’m just confused and would like to hear outside opinions. i think it’s fair that he should suggest things that he would like to do together. i again have expressed i would do anything with him. now i feel like it’s all on me to find stuff that could interest him in order to hang out with him.

tldr; my boyfriend doesn’t want to hang out with me unless the activity is appealing to him

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ultra_tism on 2024-01-01 23:37:21+00:00.

We have been dating for just over a year now, we meet online.bonded over having autism and liking nerdy stuff.

In the beginning she was a little passive and I didn't mind taking the lead on big decisions. But now I feel I have to make every decision for her, what food she eats.

what trains she gets, when she comes to see me I have to meet her half way because she can't handle with changing trains so I have to escort her.

If I try and ask her to be more independent she gets flustered and says she can't because of her autism. But I have autism too, I struggle with decisions but I have to make them.

Since I have started to feel like this I have been re evaluating the future she wants us to have, her not working just taking care of all of the pets she wants while I work.

She has a lot of physical illnesses that will require a lot of money to deal with daily. I have done the Maths, I need to be making £40+k to support us.

I don't know if I am mentally capable of work a £40k+ job and coming home and taking care of her. Safe doesn't cook or she can't do laundry so had have to do them.

This all came head last month when I took her back to the station to send her home. The trains were a mess, the last train home for me left 10 minutes before hers after that it was replacement buses. I asked her if I could get on my train so I can get home. She said she didn't feel comfortable being on her own, that she might get in the wrong train. (It's a two platform station with mono direction lines) and that I can just take the bus. It took me 6hrs to get home that normal takes 2 by train.

In the beginning she called me daddy and it was sexy, now she says it and it feels like that's my job title now.

Tldr; my girlfriend treats me more like her carer than her partner and I don't know if I love her anymore.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ChairIntelligent4567 on 2024-01-01 17:05:16+00:00.

I have a friend who was born a month after me. We have been friends since birth for 18 years now. When we were very young we had one of those meaningless pseudo relationships that are basically where we see our parents kiss when we are youn and try it. You get the idea. Anyway, recently she has become a bit of a party girl who now drinks too much, vapes, smokes cigarettes and cannabis (also fairly promiscuous). I can understand this because a lot of people go through this phase when they are young and I don't judge her. Whereas I am the polar opposite, I am shy, don't enjoy drinking and I only seek relationships with people I am close to and with similar interests. Anyway, she got absolutely wasted on new year and tried to snapchat call me, I missed the calls because my phone doesn't ring or vibrate for snapchat calls. She started drunk texting me and said she had been cheated on many times and wanted a real guy, she then said "I Love You". I was not expecting this. I don't wish to have a relationship with her because we have been friends for our entire lives and I don't want to mess it all up. Do you think she means it? What should I do?

TL/DR

A very old friend got drunk and texted me saying “I love you”. I don’t want a relationship because we have been friends since birth. Do you think she means it? What should I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok_Instruction_8613 on 2024-01-01 23:22:49+00:00.

tl;dr: Can't spend time with partner without video games/TV involved, partner is lazy and doesn't do anything without me telling them to, feeling less attracted to them because of it.

My partner and I have been best friends for almost 20 years and got together 6 months ago. We lived together for a few years prior. This has generally been OK but at times I regret it because of our difference in sex drive and because of feeling like they pressured me into a monogamous relationship when I have told them for years I don't want that. They also knew beforehand that I have low sex drive. I like having sex with them but I end up feeling guilty for not wanting to have sex as often as they do (often because of stress). I wish they would sleep with other people so it wouldn't be my problem. They get jealous and insecure and I do not. I find myself losing attraction to them when I am constantly working on creative projects and trying to learn new skills and they are sitting in their room playing video games.

We both work from home part-time. I also volunteer depending on my availability. Money is not an issue and we split expenses and are able to live comfortably and go out sometimes. I quit my full time job to go back to school (graduating in spring) and most of my time is devoted to homework, especially thesis.

We are both home a lot right now because of the holidays. I am on break from school but still working on thesis, volunteering, and working on professional goals. They stopped working over a month ago due to medical reasons (they have felt fine for 2+ weeks and have told me this) and have spent all their time playing video games or watching TV. I like video games too but I definitely have dealt with video game addiction in the past and am trying to limit how much time I spend playing them. They have talked a lot about wanting to do various creative projects and trying to find a different job. They also have talked for years about wanting to lose weight but they have done nothing at all to further this. They don't cook and we have an exercise bike which only I use. They have infinite free time and instead of putting it toward any of their goals, they waste all of it on games and TV. We have a shared online friend group, but all of our local friends we hang out with are people that I met and introduced them to. They also don't drive due to medical reasons so I have to drive us to anything that isn't in walking distance.

A year ago we started a collaborative project (making cosplay costumes). This was the first time either of us had tried something like this. They worked on their project for about 2 days and then gave up. I put over 100 hours into making my costume over several months and it turned out good. They constantly make comments about how they don't have the skills I do, even though I was learning at the same time as them (I'm a painter, not a costume designer). This really irritates me because I put a lot of time into watching tutorials on how to do the project and they didn't. I offered to help but they never accept. If I give advice, they ignore it and then things predictably go wrong. I gave them a lot of pep talks about how making mistakes is part of the learning process but nothing stuck. Once a month, they bring up how they're definitely going to start working on it again, but never do. At first I was supportive but now I tend to brush it off because I'm tired of hearing about it. They keep talking about buying a half-made costume so that they can finish it which seems lazy compared to the work I put in. Now I am working on a second costume so I can sell the first one, but I feel bitter that we aren't working on this together when they see me working and just go in their room and play video games instead. This would have been a nice way to spend time together, but instead they act like they are too stupid and inept to complete the same work I did when in reality they are just lazy and unwilling to do it.

Over the holidays I worked on a big volunteer project and also cooked a lot for friends and family Christmas parties. My partner hasn't cooked at all (they didn't help with any of the holiday cooking) and will only order food as a way to pay me back. (To their credit, they did help with the dishes after I cooked without me asking.) We visit my parents frequently. They always complain about how boring it is at my parents' house since there is nothing for them to do. My parents also asked them to contribute to the dinners my mom generously makes for us by cooking/buying food sometimes, but they haven't done it once, and this turned into me cooking things or buying baked goods on their behalf.

I also have spent a ton of time (and money) cleaning and organizing our apartment - my art supplies take up a lot of space so I found a way to get everything stored neatly so our living room still looks nice. I understand them not helping with the clutter since it is mostly mine, but they don't do any cleaning in our shared spaces without me asking first. They take the trash out and start/unload the dishwasher and that's it. Every time I go into their bedroom it is a huge mess and I have to move things out of the way in order to have sex. It feels like hooking up with some lazy college boy in his dorm.

Whenever we go out on a walk or to a museum or something I am interested in, they are constantly asking when we are going to go home because they want to go back to sitting in front of their PC and playing games. Otherwise they just stare at their phone. It feels like the only way we can spend time together at home is if there is a screen in front of us. If we aren't playing a video game or watching TV then they will leave and go to their room to play a game. I also get really annoyed listening to them yell at people in video games while I'm working. It is juvenile and affects my attraction to them, not to mention my focus when I'm trying to work.

I don't know how to deal with this long-term. Outside of the problems I listed, they are very considerate and we have been able to resolve most of our conflicts through talking. We are close and comfortable with each other in a way I've never been with anyone else. But they have been using their occasional medical issues excuse as a reason for playing video games 24/7 for the past four years. They play video games on their good days too and apparently they are in good enough health to want to have sex every day but not to clean their room. They always have an excuse why they can't do anything else with their time. It affects my interest in them romantically when they live like a teenage boy who does the bare minimum to get by day to day. I first saw the term "bang maid" a couple days ago and it feels like it fully sums up my experience of living with someone who doesn't cook, clean, or do anything productive with their free time, and still expects me to want to have sex with them every day. I feel like more of a mother than a partner and our relationship does not feel equal.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Less_Confusion7265 on 2024-01-01 23:20:10+00:00.

my bf (23m) said that he has not been happy in our relationship and does not enjoy what we do when we hang out. he said that he doesn’t want to do nothing or sit around together. he said he doesn’t like when i ask to hang out but don’t suggest something to do.

we do hang out and do stuff, go to dinner, movies, mall, climbing, explore, city trips, etc. but sometimes we just watch a show together. he thinks that going to dinner is just a way to waste time and does not enjoy these activities. the other night we went to dinner together and i had a good time but he said that he didn’t enjoy that and dinner is just about wasting time. he said that it’s sad i didn’t notice he had a bad time. i did notice but i tried to keep the convo going and by the end he seemed to be enjoying himself. it was sad to me that he just wanted to go home rather than be with me.

we don’t hang out during the week and really only see each other on the weekends. he also said he doesn’t want to text all day (which we don’t) and that he doesn’t want to have another obligation to respond to me.

in the end, i said that he could suggest activities that would interest him. i am always down to do what he wants to do. he said that for awhile he’s just been doing things with me to make me happy and he doesn’t enjoy them and they don’t interest him. when i suggest that he should pick/plan what we do then, he made a fuss saying that it shouldn’t be on him.

i’m just confused and would like to hear outside opinions. i think it’s fair that he should suggest things that he would like to do together. i again have expressed i would do anything with him. now i feel like it’s all on me to find stuff that could interest him in order to hang out with him.

tldr; my boyfriend doesn’t want to hang out with me unless the activity is appealing to him

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/InvestigatorLegal807 on 2024-01-01 22:41:20+00:00.

New year’s eve was not a good day at all. Something creeped up on me and when I woke up i was already in a bad mood. Not sure if it was the stress of cooking and making it to her parents house on time or just a shitty aura I had surrounded me. I couldn’t pin point a reason but I knew something was off and so did she. I was pretty much checked out and I barely talked and I had a rude face most of the day. I never directed it at anybody though, it was more just an attitude.

Fast forward to later at her parents and i’m being a very quiet guest. I found it hard to kind of interact with people there due to being a language barrier of sorts and also the fact im not really comfortable with her family yet. After spending all day with mr shitty attitude i’m sure my girlfriend was fed up. I should have just stayed home instead of hoping it would go away. I didn’t though, I stayed and thought maybe being around people would cheer me up. It did , but the damage was done , I could see that my gf wouldn’t interact with me even if everyone was having a good time. After we popped fireworks and said happy new years all the younger people were inside falling asleep or playing a game. I figured my girlfriend didn’t want me there anymore since she wouldn’t even make eye contact with me at this point and did an irish goodbye. She noticed and caught me last second but I just said I didn’t feel welcomed by her and I understood why she was acting that way but i’d rather go home and let her fully enjoy herself with her family instead of me being an eye sore at her party. So I left.

She hasn’t made it back home yet. I already know tears are gonna flow and I know how bad I messed up. It’s not gonna be easy to get over and I know i took away something she was hoping would be a good time and I made it about me and put a stain on that day. Is there even any way to make it up to her?

TL;DR : Had an attitude that didn’t sit well with my gf (obviously) and left her at her parents house after she gave one back

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/IsakOldton on 2024-01-01 22:04:10+00:00.

My (M35) ADHD bestfriend (M27) hurts me, involuntarily in his behaviour. These days he is interested into a girl, and for example, he might change a plan we had (work on some common projects). I try to make him understand that this is not acceptable to change plans, because I am not an NPC. I have a life, a job, a planning, and he cannot dump me just because he finally meets this girl he barely know. It hurts to see that years of friendship doesn't seem to count.

I am constantly learning on ADHD, and I talked to him. But it seems he doesn't understand that making plans with me, than changing them at the last time has logistic consequences and, of course, hurts me. Moreover, he is not really conscious that his behaviour doesn't always matches his words (he says he cares, he understands, and that we should make plans. But then change them). It seems normal for him to make decisions without taking into account that they can have consequences and can hurt. I don't want to be friend with someone who do shit on purpose, without much care of the impacts. So I want in a first place to discuss this in all possible ways, to check if this is a moral value issue, or something else.

Is there a specific way that could help me to make him feel how I feel in this situation?

TLDR: my ADHD friend doesn't realise he is hurting me when he changes plans, even if I tell him. There is a speech-behaviour gap.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/NoWeb9461 on 2024-01-01 21:35:42+00:00.

We've known each other since HS. I love him, he helped through when I was in an abusive relationship and he's an amazing guy, but i simply never had that attraction for him. I don't find his physically attractive nor do I think we would click romantically. (He's laid back, homebody and isn't adventurous, which to me is quite boring, I'm a lot more adventurous and like to try new things and get bored at home or the mlvies) he deserves the best in the world, but I simply don't like him like that. Thing is, this is like the 3rd time he's asked me to be his gf, or to at least Date him.

What kinda annoys me is that recently I told him I'm catching feelings for a guy I've been seeing for awhile. How convenient he suddenly asked me to be his gf. It kinda annoys me he keeps asking me out. I'm starting to question our friendship and whether I should back off since he likes to do "cute" things which before I thogujt were platonic but now it seems his feelings never went away. When he visits or I visit he almost always gets me flowers, when I go to greet him he'll pick me up and spin me, when We've hung out and he gets a hotel room (when he visits, he lives like an hour away) and I spend the night we'll sleep in the same bed(once i woke up to him cuddling and hold me, which made me uncomfortable but I think he was sleeping so I went back to sleep).

He's asked me to be his gf at least severral separate occasions, first when we first staying talking, another time when I was in my abusive relationship he hinted that we should try in the future, then about 2 years later he asked me again amd now this time again.

It's not like HE keeps asking me everyday or week, but it keeps popping up every few years or so

I'm not attracted to him and never will be. I've made it clear so many times to him I domt see him thay way, and it annoys me it keeps popping up.

Tl;Dr guy best friend has asked me several times throughout the years to be his gf, even though I don't see him that way at all and it is starting to bother me he keeps asking

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/redditpundit217 on 2024-01-01 21:16:40+00:00.

So, my “husband” gave me a self help book for my birthday. I (41F)say husband(38M) in quotes because we are still technically married, but i havent talked to him since September. I just talked to him yesterday because he wished me a happy birthday.

He is an avid reader and likes those types of books. But my biggest issue in our marriage is that he is always trying to change who I am and i always get the feeling that he wishes i was someone I’m not. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10.

I dont know if he got it because he genuinely liked the book and thought i would too(im not a reader to start, so generally, books are never a good gift for me) or its just another attempt for him to tell me that if i change we can get back together.

Frankly, im offended and just underscores why I want out, but i dont know if i am over-reacting?

TL;DR: my husband gave me a self help book as a gift and want to know if i’m overreacting.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Specialist_Snow_410 on 2024-01-01 20:54:55+00:00.

For a few weeks I'm going to travel to my home country with my parents and little brother to celebrate Christmas and New Years with family. Originally, my boyfriend had no issue with this and just told me to be careful. He wished me a well trip.

Midway through the trip, i had sent him a picture of an outfit I was wearing because I thought I looked pretty, it was just denim cargo shorts and a basic pink t-shirt. This is normal for my home country as it gets super hot around there this time of year. He flipped out and asked why I was dressing that way. He told me I was dressing like that to grab men's attention and when wearing clothes like that I'm trying to look single. He said he is already worried that someone might swoop me up, but that me wearing clothes like that make it seem worse because he thinks I'll leave him for someone else.

I was really upset at what he said and I had ignored him for the rest of the day. He still hasn't texted me back about it or even sent an apology and I don't think he will for the rest of the vacation.

Am I in the wrong?

TL;DR Boyfriend got mad at me for wearing shorts and a t-shirt in hot weather and said I dressed like that for attention from other guys. I ignored him for the rest of the day and he still hasn’t texted me back.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Objective-Fact-1897 on 2024-01-01 15:56:29+00:00.

Guys this is such a niche problem so I hope I can get some clarity from y’all lol.

So my boyfriend was a pretty big graffiti artist when he was in his late teens and early 20s. He’d be out all hours of the night hitting the train yards and trying to tag every part of the city he could. He’s since slowed down and only does graffiti every once in a while OR when we’re exploring a new city. Keep that in mind as I want to accurately frame his side of the story!

We’re currently in NYC for New Years and he’s obviously enamored by all of the graffiti in the city… that being said, he’s making the trip all about his ability to do graffiti. When we’re walking around, he stops every 5 seconds to write a tag or put a sticker on an electrical box or pole. Sounds benign but it’s so annoying lol.

I’ve been super supportive and haven’t asked him to stop or slow it down. But tonight he wants to hit the town and do tons of graffiti, but I’m getting sick of it. I’m at the point where I just want to have ONE day where we’re not stopping every 5 seconds for him to “mark the city.” Again this is suuuuch a niche problem lol please feel free to tell me I’m overreacting.

Well anyways, he wants me to keep watch tonight and basically be his lookout while he’s doing graffiti to make sure no one sees what he’s doing. I want to be the cool girlfriend who does this for him but one, it’s so sketchy, and two, I’m a small woman and it’s kind of odd how he doesn’t care enough about my safety to not put me in this position. I don’t mind that he wants to, I just don’t know that the last night of our vacation should be spent doing something dangerous and honestly, one-sided, as I get no enjoyment out of this.

TL;DR: Am I the asshole for not wanting to spend the last night of my vacation watching my boyfriend do graffiti? Or should I be supportive and keep watch for him?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/iceesknees on 2024-01-01 20:09:04+00:00.

My (21F) boyfriend (M23) have been dating for a little over a year. He has had a porn addiction since he was 11 years old, but is trying to recover. He used porn in the beginning of out relationship before I made it clear to him that porn was a hard boundary of mine. Since then, he's been genuinely trying to stop (not just for me, but for himself too). However, he's relapsed three times in our relationship (as far as i know), with one of them being last night. We were at a hotel and were sitting in bed next to him as we were both on our phones and happened to see porn (a photograph) as he was scrolling his camera roll. I only saw one, but I don't doubt he's saved more. I asked him what it was, and he showed it to me, but tried to explain what it was to me, even making up an excuse as to why he had it saved (which later he admitted to being a lie). I got up and left the hotel room to go sit in my car for a while while I processed what had just happened. I thought about leaving to go home, but I eventually went back up to the hotel room to talk to him. We had a deep and tear-filled discussion, with him opening up to me more than he ever has before, even about some non-porn related issues. The night ended in us spending the rest of the night together in the hotel. He promised to me that after this many screw ups, that he is going to seek therapy tomorrow to fix this issue. Every time he has relapsed, he has been extremely remorseful and caring. I know for a fact that he is a good man and is a genuine person who does actual feel hurt when he hurts me in this way (even saying he is my "ride or die"). I know porn addiction is hard and that there will be relapses now and then, but sometimes I wonder if it is worth it, even though I know he is trying his hardest. I want to be with him and he wants to be with me. He genuinely does. But every time he relapses, it hurts more. I can't get the images of the girls he looks at out of my head and it's breaking me, even though I love him so much. I just need some advice on how to handle all of this. I want to stay with and support him through this struggle, but I know I will continue to be hurt, even though he doesn't want to hurt me. Any input is appreciated. Thank you.

TL;DR: boyfriend is recovering porn addiction but still relapses occasionally and it crushes me every time. I just need advice on how to handle this.