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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Skiingwifethrowaway on 2023-12-31 18:04:20+00:00.
Background: My wife is an avid skier. She tries to ski every chance she gets and that is often multiple times a week. I’m very supportive of this as it seems like a good way for her to relieve herself of stress and generally makes her happier. She’s made multiple close friendships through this hobby (male and female) and some weekends, they take ski trips to resorts out of town. I ski sometimes but am not an enthusiast and this group wants to tackle a lot of challenging runs that I’m not capable of at my current skill level. Also, in the off season they do other activities to maintain their fitness. None of this has ever been a problem until recently.
A few months ago, my wife went trail running with a guy [45m] named Josh that was new to the group. I didn’t know she was going alone until after she came back. I found that a little unusual since she usually goes with a couple of her girlfriends and maybe one other guy. Also, she had never really done this activity before.
The next thing that happened I thought was unusual was she had COVID so she was isolating from me. She wanted to watch a movie on Amazon prime and I told her to bring me her laptop so I could take care of the 2 factor auth stuff. While I was using her laptop, she seemed cagey and agitated and was hovering a little too close to me considering we were supposed to be isolating. At this time, I noticed she was looking at a love horoscope for her sign and Josh in one of her recently closed tabs.
This didn’t sit right with me and I was stewing about it. My wife noticed and she asked why I was upset and I confronted her. She told me the horoscope thing was just a curiosity and she looks it up for other people as well. I find this hard to believe. She offered me her phone to look through her messages and I went through them. There were a lot of messages for a text chain that started only a couple months ago. Probably more than we exchanged in the same period. Mostly her sending him memes and friendly back and forth. To me, it seemed excessive and it looked like she was going out of her way to keep a conversation going with Josh. There was also a provocative exchange she made that went something like this:
Josh: I would do bad things for some lasagna
Wife: Oh like what? 😂
Josh: idk steal it?
Wife: 😂 That’s not what I was thinking. That’s what I get when my mind is in the gutter.
Josh: 😂
To me, this looks like an unsuccessful attempt by her to escalate the conversation but Josh (to his credit) doesn’t bite. When I saw this I pointed it out and she took blame for it and said she shouldn’t have sent that. I’m shaking and very upset by all of this. My wife claims “he’s just one of the girls” and she isn’t attracted to him because he’s short and he’s just a good friend.
All of this reminded me of an emotional affair/sexting situation that I went through with my wife 10 years ago (married for 20). We got through that and I was hoping that was behind us.
In response to this, I set up 2 boundaries 1) no more one on one events with Josh 2) avoid the one on one texting. There’s not usually a reason to text one on one when the same type of content can be shared in a group text.
The next week, she said two of her girlfriends canceled on an event and she asked if it was ok if she went alone with Josh. I told her obviously not because that was a boundary I set and she was annoyed with me for saying no.
She met with her therapist and her therapist largely agreed with my point of view and she seemed to be less annoyed with me after that.
I have been off and on depressed about all of this and during that she would ask me if there was anything she could do and I just asked her to follow the boundaries I’ve set.
Cut to this last week, I asked her to check in on the boundaries I set. She admitted to texting with Josh again and I asked to see her phone. There was a gap in the texting but there was 6 or 7 consecutive days again with a lot of texting. Again, it’s just benign texting but it just seems kind of unnecessary. I don’t know that we need 3 days around Christmas to text Merry Christmas and start a conversation. I don't think you need to tell your single guy friend goodnight in the evening. She says she was giving him a resource for some technical safety gear and she started doing it again.
I’m very upset again and I tell her she was ignoring a clearly set boundary and I’m not sure how we get past this as a couple. I find it really disrespectful and hurtful that she ignored this boundary especially when she saw what it was doing to me. I found it very cruel.
I talked to her about blocking contact with this person and ending the friendship so that we could move on. Considering that she already violated a clearly set boundary, I felt the need to escalate. She seemed open to that initially but was indignant about it later on. I’ve asked her to apologize for ignoring the boundary and disrespecting me and the marriage, promise she won’t do it again, and outline some steps to ensure it won’t happen again. She seems to think I’m setting up an ultimatum on friendship but I just want a path forward I can be comfortable with.
She says she wasn’t doing this to be cruel. She doesn’t seem all that sorry to me. She says she has a deep connection with Josh but again, they’re just friends. She doesn’t want to end the friendship because she says she will be outside the core group of enthusiasts and the activities they set up.
My position is that my wife is acting inappropriately and disregarding my feelings by ignoring the boundary. I believe my wife loves me but I also think she has a crush on this guy and is kind of acting on it and downplaying it. Am I overreacting? Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?
TL;DR My wife won’t stop texting a guy she skis with despite me setting a boundary on it. It’s causing strain on our relationship.