Relationships

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Swimming_Library3481 on 2023-12-31 15:47:43+00:00.

My SO (F33) and I (M35) have been dating for about a year. We both have kids. She has a toddler, I have 2 middle school aged children. We will occasionally have game nights etc, and if toddler falls asleep, they will both stay the night. Neither of us feel like waking the sleeping baby is necessary and we are all ok with them staying in the next room over. The issue is that the next day, they are overstaying quite a bit. We are both early risers, however my 2 middle school kiddos are not. They are on holiday break right now and have friends over often, and would like to sleep in a bit. Same goes for weekends. I am completely ok with this. My SOs toddler is often awake at 5:30am, and while they can keep it down for a short while, it is not reasonable to ask a toddler to be completely quiet for several hours while everyone is asleep. Our house is a good size, but sound travels, and my kids are often woken up by toddler running and screaming throughout the house. Again, this is totally normal behavior for their age, and I wouldn’t expect anything else. Ive mentioned to my SO that my kiddos are sleeping, so maybe we could try to keep things on the other side of the house, away from their rooms, or refrain from types of play (I.e pretending to be animals that results in them “roaring” at the top of their lungs) that would make things louder that early in the morning, but they don’t seem to take any additional measures to actually do those things. I enjoy them spending time, but I also want to be considerate that this is my kids home and if they’d like to sleep in a bit, they should be able to do that. I don’t want to come across as being rude or mean to my SO, but short of saying “my kids are still sleeping and this is too loud, can you please head home and we will see each other later” - I’m not sure what to say. I have become frustrated, because when my kids were younger, I was certainly considerate if we were staying with friends/family and head home if my kids were being loud and rowdy while people in the home were still sleeping. I like to get things done around the house early in the mornings, but I feel I can’t do that because every room I go to, toddler follows chasing and yelling (only wanting to play), which makes me anxious about waking my kids up. So instead, I stay across the house until they decide to leave, or the kids wake up. Additionally, if I don’t specifically say I have plans and need to get ready to go, she will want to stay until late afternoon and I also feel like that is overstaying a bit. I’m just not sure how to have this conversation without coming across as rude or mean. That is not my intention. The alternative is that I stop planning anything past 7pm on weekends at our place, to eliminate the sleepover situation. TIA for your advice.

TL;DR! SO and toddler will occasionally stay the night. SO not being considerate that it is much too loud for others sleeping in the household the next morning. SO will want to stay very late the next day unless I specifically state I have other plans. Sometimes I just need space.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRAxmascactus on 2023-12-31 02:43:24+00:00.

To all the married and divorced Reddittors, did you marry your intended while having doubts? If so, how is your marriage now / how did it turn out? I am engaged to my fiancé and have recently noticed patterns of controlling behaviors and anger over the past 3-4 months. He is quick to anger, starts fights over trivial matters and expects me to always apologize first even in instances where I’m clearly not at fault. He would not back down until I say sorry. He’s been showing some aggressive non verbal behavior too. He admitted that he gaslights and blame shifts. This behavior I find to be very intimidating and feel inferior in the relationship.

He was controlling what the type of clothes I wear, when I can have snacks/ fast food, my bedtime hours and work schedule. His reasoning being he wants me to look fashionable, and maintain a healthy physique and sleep hygiene. I expressed that I didn’t like what he was doing to me with the wedding being couple months away and we needed to part ways. He only then conceded on all these restrictions and started counseling to work on himself. I have a fear that this (AKA the controlling behaviors and verbal attacks/ aggressions) will get worse with time. can he genuinely change? Or is he going to get worse overtime? Should I postpone and give him a chance while I assess his character? If so, how much time do I give him? We are in a 3 year relationship, engaged for 8 months. Thanks

TLDR- has your spouse changed his/her behaviors and upheld these changes long term? Changes surround controlling behaviors and anger. Thanks

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/cheesechillymomo on 2023-12-31 15:10:35+00:00.

I (25F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been dating for four months now in a long distance thing but have been work colleagues for a year and a half. We used to talk during this time period on calls and these calls used to be a mix of work and casual stuff. I actually enjoyed talking to him but didn't read into the thought more because firstly I was seeing someone else back then. Cut to he switching companies and we going on a work trip after his last day where he was invited too. We connected there and kept in contact later.

Now the things which stand out of me in our entire relationship course is that there are some things which seem as red flags to me. But I cannot differentiate if I am being over anxiously attached or idk. So basically he says he isn't much of a texter but he says he tries, he says he prefers calls/meet ups. In the first month, he actually took effort for texts, but never initiated (wasn't keeping count lol at first but then it became a pattern), never initiates calls but was enthusiastic about calls at start, mind you this used to be hardly one call in a day of a hour duration, he wouldn't text after that because he used to say that amount of conversation is enough for him. But now that the honeymoon phase is cracking out, the text frequency has dwindled and he says it isn't possible for him to do calls as someone is always around at work/home and meetups are difficult for him as we stay 1h away and he has plans to save up money this year as he has to buy a car. Also he says that since he is new to his new company the switch is being hard on him.

Mind you he did go out with his friends on some weekend's, we met only once this month, but he is saying he can't meet both his friends and me now more. I can't highlight sometimes how I feel because then he feels I am gaslighting him or blaming him when he is trying and isn't accustomed to giving time to anyone since he last dated someone three years ago. I don't think he is cheating on me but I think he is thinking of me as a placeholder in his life. On weekdays he doesn't have time for me and is asleep once he is back and on weekends he sleeps the entire day and then prefers his own chill time with nothing to give me.

As I write this I had one more argument with him asking for atleast some of his time. I am not even getting 1h of his time since a week or two. I have been in a relationship like this before which didn't end up well because I used to wait like crazy and the other person didn't have time for me. I do a job, have a life with my family, pursue my hobbies but not like just sit for him to reach out. Idk if I am asking for bare minimum or just being over anxious. At this moment he scolded me in the afternoon when I called because I broke his sleep when I had an anxiety attack and is now out with his friends to spend nye.

I don't know what to do at this point because my gut feeling says he'll breakup with me once he is back tomorrow. Idk what to do basically.

TLDR : I don't know if in my long distance relationship I am being a placeholder or just being overanxious and overthinking when he feels the current standards of communication is fine for the relationship to sustain and gets pissed when I highlight the issue, don't know how to address it or if I should break-up.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/genigenes on 2023-12-30 21:21:28+00:00.

Thank you for your willingness to help!

I (29 M) have been for 7 years in a relationship with Amanda (29 F). We are from different parts of Peru but met studying abroad almost 10 years ago. When we met we were best friends for 2-3 years given she was dating someone by then. Afterward, she broke up to once again study abroad in another country (while I was in Peru), but after me visiting her twice, we actually started a relationship long distance for 1.5 years before we lived in the same city in Peru. I think the relationship was extremely good in the first 2 years and then was still very good for the next years, but maybe a little less romantic (maybe because we worked/studied very hard or because we got used to it).

Recently, we both moved to the USA, where we studied different programs (MBA & Master’s) at the same university. I think we both overly focused on our social experience in these programs and ended up living our own individual lives there, which grew us apart. Both of us had our faults and our complaints. I complained a lot about her overly partying and drinking with friends (she is very social and excited, so always wants to be the last to leave and at some point was partying almost every day), about having “too deep” relationships with man friends, and about overly prioritizing her friends vs. me. She complained about me not giving her enough attention, not being romantic anymore, and overly pressuring her to go find a job (I never actually said anything that hurt her, but I tried to help her a lot and remind her of to-dos and this would trigger her) or also not prioritizing our relationship. It was a moment that we both wanted to take advantage of the limited time we had in our programs, but it ended up taking a toll on our relationship. At the end of the year, we were arguing almost every day, and when walking on the streets, we barely could talk due to resentment of each others’ complaints, so we barely were able to have fun together.

In the end, her program lasted for one year while mine lasts for 2 years (6 months to go), and, now in the second year, she ended up only finding a job on the other coast, so we are doing a long-distance relationship as I finish my studies. This is not helping us restore our relationship as we ended the in-person time in not the best way.

More recently, I met a woman at my school who I became friends with, and over the past 3 months, I think I slightly “fell in love” with her a little bit. We started as just friends, but I think we unwittingly developed feelings for each other. When she started feeling something, I think there was a day that she tried to see if I would cheat, but I didn’t engage in her invites (like having wine with her, etc). I was loyal to my partner the whole time but at the same time I liked hanging out with her as a friend so kept meeting her in group activities or even in some 1-on-1 chats as friends. I never cheated but I will be frank in saying that in some heated moments, I was slightly flirtier than I should’ve been (nothing big though, just maybe overly texting or longer goodbye hugs, etc) – I would say this other woman also fell for me (at least physically). However, now I think I reach a point where I need to respectful and reassess how I act, either cut this new woman out of my mind/diminish her in my life or end my relationship. I am not sure whether this woman has any long-term interest in me or if we would work out together anyway, so I think my decision on whether to stay with my current girlfriend should be more related to our relationship (forgetting about the existence of this new woman, even though frankly I’m infatuated right now and can even see us as a good match for a relationship – though I recognize I’m only seeing the positives at this point).

Looking at my current relationship, I think the positives is that my partner is by nature happy, lighthearted, and a pleasurable companion; can bond with many people; is very smart, pretty/hot, and trustworthy; has in general similar hobbies to mine; and helps me on my decisions and on solving my own life. All of that, especially when we are not in our worst case (now). I think on the other side, I think she drinks/parties more than what I feel comfortable with and is not willing to make some adjustments to please me (like drinking a little less or not being the last one to leave); also some times I feel that she overly values friendships in detriment to romantic relationships (e.g. she always wants to do stuff with other people while I also value having only us-time). Lastly, I think there are some other arguments that, unfortunately, are a little futile and maybe not nice that come to my head indirectly – but I will share them here in the spirit of transparency. One of the things I valued in my partner is that I learned a lot from her from her strong intuition in decision-making and her strong emotional intelligence. Right now, I feel like I’d love to date someone that is part of the American culture and that works in my field, so I can learn more from that person (and from their friends) as sometimes I get bored talking to my partner friends for instance and I get a little lost in the US culture. Additionally, I unfortunately am the type of person that always thinks stuff could be better like, even though my GF is attractive, maybe I could still find one even more attractive (or that will teach me more or will be more home-centered, etc). Finally, sometimes I also feel about the thrill of being single and exploring other girls and having more single adventures in life. As a summary, I’m at a bad moment in the relationship but still recognize great quality on my GF and potential for our relationship (even though right now is poor), while also recognizing some of our limitations and things that I unconsciously think (being 100% transparent and trying to read myself deeply after a lot of self-reflection). I want to stay at least 3 years in the US working and my GF wants to come back sooner; so we would also have to have a compromise on a shared future for it to work (most likely her staying in the US given this is my only opportunity in life to do so because of visa issues and given she also already has a job here)

As a last parenthesis, this new girl I met also has her own qualities. I feel she is a little bit more ambitious, classy, and tries to push me out of my comfort zone more (which I like). She is equally smart and attractive (maybe even slightly less). I also like that she is able to teach me a lot about her own heritage culture, the US culture (she is mixed), and her industry of work, which I like talking about and is closer to my field. On the other hand, she feels like she doesn’t seem too invested in helping me in my own decisions when I needed her help and the fact that she “pushed” a bit for us to do something while I’m in a relationship could be a bad sign, even though she did not insist afterward and it was somewhat indirect. In the scenario I’m single I see her as a potential dating partner given I like her but don’t want to make a decision considering this, especially given I don’t even know if she is interested or if we would work out. But, in the end, this girl also showed me that I need an urgent fix to my relationship problems and I should stop postponing solving/getting rid of them – being frank once again, I feel a slight time pressure in the sense that if I think I should break up, I should do soon given I could still meet people in the last months of school. Also, on the other side, pressure for engagement and marriage are starting to arise and I need to make my mind around it – I’m a very rational/cautious/comprehensive decision maker so committing to a marriage is something that is very hard to me (which I think will always be independently of the partner I am with).

Well, you can also look at my post story to see previous dilemmas I had on this same relationship, but remember that they will be somewhat negatively biased, which is not representative of it – I think we did have a very nice time together so far and I believe my girlfriend is a great person. In short, where I need help reflecting is around the question of whether (1) I should stay with my current girlfriend and try to work on the relationship further (we had many issues in the past, but this is the first time I look at it from the perspective of breaking up or not instead of just trying to fix the issue) or (2) I should break up?

Thank you for listening to everything and I appreciate your most direct and true opinions, even if you are not sure about it.

TL;DR: In (M29) a 7-year relationship with GF (F29), with whom I share a history of connection and compatibility. Recently, after moving to the USA for studies and experiencing social expansions, our relationship has faced challenges like less quality time together, differing lifestyles, and arguments. Concurrently, I've developed feelings for a new woman, causing me to reevaluate my current relationship. I'm torn between working on my existing relationship or considering a breakup to explore new possibilities and personal desires

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok_Chain4119 on 2023-12-31 14:19:44+00:00.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost a year or so, she’s a really nice and extremely beautiful girl and wouldn’t hurt a fly. We barley argue and she is very kind and loving. I love her to bits and would do almost anything for her, she’s the same to me. She gets super hyper fixated and obsesses with things, even random shit like pineapples.

There’s this one thing I really don’t like, I’ve brought it up to her and she seems to not see the issue. She’s had this celebrity crush for around four years now, she has posters of him, books of his and really loves his work. She knows everything about him, his shoe size, favourite food, very specific things. Some things I haven’t even been able to find that he’s said online. The dude is the complete opposite of me, in every aspect, different style, personality, eye colour, hair colour. He’s a ‘big’ guy, I’m skinny and muscular. So seeing him plastered all over her walls makes me feel…hurt a bit. She’s been friendly with his partner for a four years now and him and her are in an open relationship. This worries me. This celebrity seems to be a bit of a d!ck and a nasty piece of work, from what I’ve read online . My girlfriend seems to think otherwise. Since this has went on, she’s became more and more secretive of her text messages, avoiding questions about him when I ask.

It wouldn’t shock me if she’s spoken to him before, she seems to know a lot of famous people ...

I’ve told her how uncomfortable this makes me….then she goes and gets a tattoo of something this dude made. I told her this was my last straw and threatened to cut things off, she calls me insecure, which I guess is somewhat true. But her fixation is making me extremely uncomfortable

He isn’t the best looking person (and is considered an older man). And my gf is stunning and does modelling as a career. Most people are attracted to her, which I can’t blame them, so I wouldn’t be shocked if he hasn’t already swung his shot.

Does anyone have any idea on what to suggest? This girl is the love of my life, but this is really making me feel as if she is hiding something.

TL;DR; my girlfriend is beyond obsessed with a celebrity, I feel there’s more going on than what she is letting on

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Tall-Investigator143 on 2023-12-31 14:16:39+00:00.

I have been with my significant other for approximately 5.5 years. We started out as good friends and we eventually evolved into expressing our feelings for each other which led to us beginning our relationship. Things overall for the most part have been good - I love her and enjoy her company and I know she loves me based on the actions she does (goes all out for my birthday/celebrations, respects my love language, etc.).

Recently however (over the course of the past 1.5 years), I have noticed there have been instances where she has some fits of frustration and anger especially in regards to our future (specifically regarding the topic getting married/engaged and timeline since we are getting older technically) - with me being two years into med school I have mentioned to her that I wanted make sure I finish school and prepare for residency popping the question (which I am now starting to think that may be selfish of me). Going back to these fits, she starts literally throwing a tantrum and then starts screaming at me, kicking me, poking me, etc. (very child like behavior to be honest). Here is where it gets a little odd though (pardon the somewhat NSFW content upcoming), after a few minutes of raging she then starts to hug me and kiss me passionately and tries to get me aroused and have sex with me and the past three times this has happened I shamefully admit I gave in and then afterwards everything seems fine until the next time it randomly happens.

It happened again today this afternoon practically to the same tune but after she had her fit (the worst one yet - aggressively poking and kicking me) and then after she was done she practically pounced on me this time after getting really angry and then proceeded to pulling my pants and underwear down, sensually touched me to getting me aroused and then switched up her tone in a very loving one using terms of endearment and asked me to penetrate her (which I ended up doing).

I am just really confused at this behavior and it recently got me thinking whether if we are in a toxic relationship in a way considering we get into these heated arguments about the same topic (marriage/relationship timeline for the future) and then we end up having what seems like angry/make up sex afterwards which I cave in to. Deep down it doesn't seem right like we are using sex as an excuse to not address what just happened and I just don't know what I should do next in terms of our relationship especially if this is turning into an unhealthy relationship with these episodes. Need some guidance as to what I should do.

TL;DR: My girlfriend gets tantrums over the timeline of marriage/engagement in our relationship which leads to heated arguments and leads her to initiating sex and not talking about what just happened afterwards; rinse and repeat over the course of almost 2 years randomly. Not sure if this is healthy behavior and want to know how I should assess whether it is or not?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/needtobebetteratcalc on 2023-12-31 14:06:52+00:00.

Hi! So for the last months my boyfriend and I have been talking about moving in together. Currently we live like 6 hours apart and I feel that it’s time to move together (or maybe not continue the relationship). He also doesn’t like where he live right now so he’s been talking about wanting to move for ages. Because he likes the place so little and since I want to see my family, aaand it’s closer to his job, we live with my family when I visit, but he complains about them as well. (Which is understandable)

I’ve sent him countless links of apartments, I don’t even know if he looks at them. When I ask about it he just says he haven’t had the time. I feel really hurt by this, but respects it and try to give him time. But now he’s suddenly going on a trip for a hobby with his friend (they’ve been on more trips than us two together the past year, “but it’s okay because she’s a lesbian”). I just don’t understand that he has time to plan THAT, but not take some minute to see any of the apartments…

I guess it’s just about prioritisations.

How can I have a reasonable conversation about how I feel around this and figure out the plan further?

TL;DR: been talking about moving in with my bf for months, but he doesn’t seem interested, but when bringing it up he says he is

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/pgteabag on 2023-12-31 14:01:41+00:00.

My partner [38F] and I [28M], together for nearly 4 years, were invited to a NYE party hosted by my best friend's girlfriend. The night before, I was quite unwell. We had been planning to do IR sauna during the next day (a treat from me to her), and my partner told me "you can't do that because you're ill", and I reluctantly agreed. I slept in a different room to my partner because I knew it would be a rough night. In the morning, I felt more unwell, so texted to tell the others.

"Hey guys, I'm afraid I'm sick :'( have a good one!"

Fast forward to breakfast, she says she is upset because I told the others that I was ill without consulting with her first (she is in the group chat so saw what I'd sent). She says that it's inconsiderate, and she tries to get me to promise not to do that again.

This feels super controlling to me. I tell her "I understand where you're coming from, if I wasn't ill, I agree, we should talk before changing plans. But in the case where I'm ill, and you already know I'm ill, I think it's totally normal for me to do that without checking with you first." I don't want to have to second guess my actions and check everything with her when I'm already feeling shit from being ill.

This argument continues for a bit, and then I'm just like look, we clearly disagree, we'll have to agree to disagree right now because I'm ill and I just want to have breakfast. She leaves the room (leaving all her breakfast half-made), and goes into the bedroom and closes the door. An hour later she's still there, areopress coffee filled, upside down and ready to push, toast in the toaster. Now she's basically completely ignoring me, marched past me right now, I said "I'm just finishing your coffee". No thanks or anything, just pure anger.

This feels super immature to me. I'm also confused. I begrudgingly have accepted that she wants her to be number one, always prioritised, told first over my best friends - and if I accidentally don't do that and she calls me out, I'll apologise. But in this case, I feel it's got nothing to do with that. I'm ill, case closed - no-one's prioritised, being ill sucks and everyone loses. What does it matter the order I tell people, also, she already knew I was ill - it's a natural expectation that I would cancel if I was still ill.

My stance is: "we disagree on this, you can't force me to change my behaviour - we're going to have to accept that we see this differently".

I feel like this is a bit of a make or break situation. I don't have the time/energy to get into fights with my partner over small things like this.

We go to couples therapy (at my expense), and I'm willing to change and evolve. But I also feel like we should by now have accepted each other as we are, and not be playing the "you have to apologise and promise not do that again" card for small things. I will work on myself and the relationship in the areas that I'm willing, and likewise I won't force her to work on areas that she's not willing. I might bring them up, but if there's resistance I'm not going to push it and start a fight.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this something that comes with every long term relationship?

TL;DR: told hosts I was ill before checking with my partner who already knew I was ill, she said I need to promise not to do that again, I feel controlled, she is upset, both refuse to back down.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/the_imagine_wagons on 2023-12-31 13:47:19+00:00.

My girlfriend (18F) asked me on a phone call whether I would be okay if she could go ice skating with her male friend (17 or 18M not sure) who she says she’s known for 6 years and claims to have no romantic past whatsoever saying he’s never tried and never would.

As I know what guys are like I find it extremely hard to believe that if she gave him the chance he wouldn’t jump at it. I trust her not to do anything of course but I don’t like the idea of my girlfriend hanging out with this guy alone for hours on end.

After I told her I was uncomfortable she started to argue saying that it’s clearly just a trust thing and that I don’t trust her which just isn’t the case, I expressed to her that I’ve never met this guy and Ik nothing about him and that I trust her and not him, women are often relatively naive when it comes to noticing if a guy wants to fuck them or not, I’ve been in a boy best friend position myself and realistically I probably would have taken the chance if it had been given to me.

Unfortunately she originally asked me about it while I was drunk, so without thinking I started talking about how my last ex would do these activities with her male friend and 6 months later she was cheating on me with him, Of course I know they are different people and the difference between these two relationships is that my ex already had romantic history but it’s difficult not to have that thought given what’s happened before.

All of my friends (male and female) have said that I should end things if she goes as she clearly doesn’t respect me and my feelings, which I obviously don’t want to do and Ik she would crumble If I did. I’m 90% sure she is going to go.

Just looking for some advice :)

———

TL;DR - my girlfriend wants to go ice skating with her male friend of 6 years, i’ve told her i’m uncomfortable and she’s taken it badly and it looks like she’s going to go regardless, i’m unsure if I should end it or not.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway02481632 on 2023-12-31 13:21:24+00:00.

I (22F) was friends with this girl (22F) until we were 14 years old. Then a new girl who was sort of toxic came into my life and I dumped everything for her. Now years later, I've cut ties with this new person and can't get rid of the guilt of betraying my old friend. I know I hurt her, it feels like I cheated. I'm thinking we may have been more than friends...but that also might just be me. Should I try to reconnect? She reached out once and we had a very awkward chat where she was gracious as ever and I tried to apologize but messed it up and then I haven't had the courage to ask again. On the one hand, I'm thinking I'm making it all about me, and if my friend wants to go her own way let her, and I just reopened old wounds by apologizing, even if my friend was the one who reached out first. But on the other hand, I feel guilty, I just don't know how it's been for her. It's just been so so long and it hurts like it happened yesterday and it's my fault.

tl;dr: betrayed childhood friend, feel guilty, don't know what to do.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/2ndAct12 on 2023-12-31 13:09:37+00:00.

Throwaway account because im not comfortable sharing on my main. Last week, specifically the day before Christmas eve, I (25m)had a pretty heated argument with my mother (65). I won’t go into detail as to why it happened but the argument ended with her saying “ Don’t you dare buy me a Christmas gift, I won’t accept it!” The problem is, the morning before the argument, I had already bought her a really cool gift that I put time thinking about buying for her.

It’s been almost a week after Christmas and my mother and I are still not in the best speaking terms. I still have the gift just sitting under my bed since I knew it was going to be rejected if I tried to give it. At this point should I just return the gift? After all, she’ll never know that I bought or returned something intended for her.

tl;dr: Mother said she would not accept Christmas gift after a heated argument. One week later I still have the gift and don’t know what to do with it.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/recentad24 on 2023-12-31 13:07:49+00:00.

Long story short, this is my first relationship and this is her 3rd.

Prior to us dating, we had about a 2 week period where we were just "talking". We didnt officially start dating until after because we were both uncertain about our jobs, which city we would get placed at for our jobs, whether we wanted to do long distance, etc. We just wanted to make sure we addressed these things first before we jumped into dating.

2 weeks go by and we both agree it's worth it so we started dating. Chemistry was great and we became official after 3 months of dating until now. It's been about a year since then.

Here's the issue: About 6 months ago I find out that during this "2 week talking" period, she was actually seeing another man at the same time but never disclosed to it to me. She also slept with him despite her saying she wasnt that serious about him from the start. I understand that since we weren't officially dating, she has the right to do whatever she wants, but on the contrary, I felt as though since we were figuring things out together with the known fact that we were into each other, that she wouldn't have been with someone else at the same time. It also hurts that she didn't tell me any of this because in her words, "it's better to not know about someone's dating past/previous intimacies so that's why I didn't bring it up".

It's been 6 months and I've worked hard to get over this but I'm still bothered by this and am wondering if this was a red flag that I missed - if so, how can I bring up that I'm still not over this?

tldr- gf was seeing and sleeping with another man when we were in the talking stages right before we officially started going on dates and it still bothers me

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/MayflowerBob7654 on 2023-12-31 12:59:19+00:00.

How do you deal with different sleep patterns?

In an ideal world, I would go to bed at ~11:30pm and wake around 7am. My partner would go to sleep at ~9pm and wake at 4/30-5am. We have 2 primary aged children. I think our preferences are starting to annoy us both, but I don’t feel like either of us is doing anything “wrong”.

I work 4 days a week, they work 5. They cook dinner & breakfast 75% of the time, I do groceries & lunchboxes 80%. They usually do the dishes & kitchen clean while I do bath & bedtime. One of us does 90% of laundry, the other does 90% yard work.

There is a pay disparity but it’s never been an issue.

I don’t think either of us is hard done by, but I am getting increasingly frustrated by the lack of adult interaction at night. Partner would love to start the day together early. What do we do?

tl:dr partner and I have different body clocks. How do we make it work?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/momneedsamortgage on 2023-12-31 12:53:00+00:00.

Well, originally I wrote an essay with context and all sorts, but I realised it wasn't actually needed; there is really only one question.

My sister (33f) thinks that we (me (34f) and mom (62f)) don't help her enough and don't spend enough time with her kids (nearly 3f and 5f). Part of the reason for this is because they are absolutely feral and to be honest I work hard enough without spending my time off chasing two kids who refuse to listen. Much as I love them (and my sister), I like peace!

Mom and I think there is an issue with her parenting, and her 'gentle parenting' is just *too* gentle. I was with them a couple of days ago and they just climb furniture, won't sit down, break things.

Unfortunately, our relationship with my sister is already fraught as she doesn't believe anyone helps her enough (mom picks up/drops off kids most days, looks after the 3 year old all day once a week) and there are a few other issues. Is there any way we can sort of indicate to her or make her realise that it is not normal for her kids to act like this (we get that it is occasionally, but when you are calling your own kids 'feral' there is a problem) and that most people don't get the help she does (she only works part time and has her husband (33m) and my mom to help)?

TL;DR: How do I tell my sister she needs to improve her parenting skills and actually discipline her kids?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Straight-Ad5994 on 2023-12-31 12:35:13+00:00.

So we are not in a relationship, just friends, but at least that's my side of the story. We know each other for 2 years and because of university we just had time to go out. We usually just talk in uni, but recently we went out 2 times. And to clarify, she asked me out.

She is not single she has a boyfriend for 7 years yes she is 20 and lives with him, I don't really know for how long.

To add uni for context, yeah when we talk she blushes and all that, and we don't really talk when she is with her friends (One of her friends did ask me to hookup, and I am not that type of guy although being a virgin) She does lean in and usually initiates the conversations equally as me

Our first going out or date at this point I don't know had me very confused, we met up around 3pm and walked in the park. Normal conversation topics until she really wanted to know my former love life to the point I think she was offended I didn't want to talk about it. Mainly because I have none and the one I had I was a freaking idiot or missed chances. She talked how she has some problems with her boyfriend but because they are together for 7 years (they were 13 I think) it was special for her. She wanted to fix it or something, I don't know, really just said. Because they are together for 7 years doesn't mean it's so special. Then she asked about body count, started telling me that she has a friend dressed all black like me, and she was per miscues and talked about hookups, and it was out of nowhere. Conversations ran out, and we were standing so close our hands if left unchecked would hold each other by themselves. But I was freaking out and don't want to be in a love triangle. Then we talk about hobbies, I think talked how her boyfriend collects toy cars, and she tries to buy when she sees some, pretending it's for her little brother. After that, we talked how we both have back pain. For her, mainly because of stress, I think. Normal conversation until we had to say goodbye. You know, said bye, forgot to hug her she just went in and hugged me with her head on my chest type huge. I think I got my feelings for her there, and it took the traffic light to go green for me to go wait a minute and had my hands spring out like an idiot.

After that I asked her out, but that didn't go anywhere, she also had her period and everyone was with me full of work so last time we saw each other was 3 days ago after Christmas.

Met up this time, she was dressed basically like me sort of official (Diplomatic) if I quote my colleges except all white except a gray coat. Ying and Yang stuff. And went out with no plan really, she had something to return to a store. And I had notes she wanted from me. Walked around talked to each other normal stuff until We went to a mall she needed to return her thing and from there on out she didn't stop comparing me to her boyfriend or talk about her boyfriend. He bought a wheel to play euro truck and stuff, oh you don't like home alone like my boyfriend. We will celebrate new year with my family and him. Every single thing we mutually like he doesn't like, how do I know because she said it. From how he plays games to opinions. It was like I wasn't talking about her and my interests but the boyfriend's interest. After that giving her my notes she asked to help her get her brother a present from a toy store was weird I don't know if you bring random friends around for that but ok.

Went to the park again and talked about games we like to play and stuff hobbies, and it was again her relationship encyclopedia to the point I snapped and said " Ok a question for both of you and friend from everything you said, and I don't know him or anything that has happened between you but why are you together." She went quiet for a moment while I was saying it she wanted to say, she told me everything I think, but she went quiet for a bit. And It was something along the lines of " Yeah we have nothing in common with each other polar opposites but we sort of fill each other's holes" and then the opposites attract explanation everyone uses. I didn't really hear, but I think she was also comparing him to me for an example, but it was so awkwardly said, I don't really know. We were still walking btw at least I was, and I didn't have my glasses, so I wasn't looking at her don't know if she wanted to stop or anything.

And then at a bridge we said bye, said how we will meet she said her plans bla bla bla. Had a(Reading from Google definitions) left side hearth to hearth hug and sort of froze me while I had my hand on her back she said" I hope you still want to go out with me " " Or I hope you still like me" because I am not from an English country it's sort of a mix of both. For me, it was a bruh moment because I didn't say or do anything to convey that and just "Ehe" to her question now realizing it might have been flirtatious because after a couple of "Ehe"'s she braced her hand(elbow?) on my shoulder and freaking meowed at me.

As I am writing this, I realized I might have been the flirting one in this exact situation. After that I was a bit frozen to say goodbye, yeah I have feelings for her now 100% sure. While she was supper enthusiastic wishing me all kinds of stuff for everything and anything, barely said an I hope you have a way better next year which she took like I said I love you. After didn't say goodbye, she wanted to know how I was going to get home normal because people now apparently think traveling for 1 hour to the next town is a lot and don't even know it's possible, and you know wtf.

That whole going out was 5 hours. And now I am very confused as I don't want a love triangle, I didn't really want this. To quote extra credits for my situation. Here I am hanging around with a friend, and suddenly you have romantic moments and feelings because of that You didn't ask for this, you didn't choose this yet there it is. What the hell should I do.

Tl:DR: A girl with a boyfriend might like me more than a friend, and we have romantic moments, it's making me freaking crazy.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/bbybee06 on 2023-12-31 12:28:56+00:00.

Right now I’m sad and disappointed. I have a verbally abusive boyfriend, who loves to say mean things during arguments to the point that it makes me cry. We’ve been together three months I’m 33 and he’s 39. He’s sweet, loving and romantic, which really made me wanna be with him but when he gets upset, he definitely makes sure to make me cry. I feel like he confesses things when he’s upset. He says horrible things and then later says he only said it because he was angry and he wanted to give me drama. Our last argument was last month so I thought things were going pretty good until Friday. I told him about two separate situations I was in that morning and he blamed me that the conversation escalated into him confessing that a cashier at his local bakery was talking shit about me. I asked him if he defended me he claims he did but who really knows. He said awful things and the arguments spilled over into the next morning where it escalated again and he said that he wants more kids with his baby mother (his BM is in Jamaica). I do not want kids, him and his BM have a 17-year-old son together. That was like a punch in the stomach because I asked him so many times if he wants kids he knows that he doesn’t want kids. He said that he didn’t want kids and that he was done with kids. I’m also embarrassed because when he said that he wanted more kids with his baby mother, my mom had stopped by and heard it. Saturday morning I was pretty drunk because of Friday’s argument so I ended up being sick for the rest of the day. Yesterday I had blocked him then unblocked him because I really wanted him to know how bad he hurt me, he always says I’m his dream girl, but then he says horrible mean things. A part of me is letting him keep in contact with me because I want him to feel guilty. I just keep telling him how much he hurt me and all these things he’s doing to me emotionally. I know I should leave, but I just feel stuck emotionally. I mean I don’t really want another boyfriend after him. I’m also sad and disappointed because we were really planning a future together and planning to live together but it’s like I really don’t trust him. He makes me feel safe and then says horrible things so it’s like I don’t even know what’s to believe I told him I see him as a liar because I don’t trust nothing he says, I just feel so confused right now (even though I know I shouldn’t the obvious answer is to leave) idk maybe this relationship can be repaired

TL;DR - got into another argument with my verbally abusive boyfriend, who made me cry. I honestly think that argument broke me, but I still keep in contact with him, because I want him to feel guilty and the pain that I felt.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/SummerBebbi on 2023-12-31 12:18:45+00:00.

TL;DR: BF's mum keeps being horrible and creating drama to make me look bad. Help!

Im F29, bf is M30. For context, we have been together 1 year, we don't live together, but I'm looking for a house to buy and for us both to move into. Previous to this, bf's mum has been quite friendly towards me, if a little controlling and overbearing. She texts and calls both her adult children (30+32) every day, and visits to see them about every other day. I'm not close to my family so this seems like a lot to me.

This xmas has been really difficult, I'm not a fan of xmas anyway, celebrated xmas day with my own extended family in the daytime and went to my bf's family do in the evening. When I arrived they were all very drunk, my heart sank (as I don't really drink) and they can be quite leery when drunk. Various topics came up that led the family to berate and insult me mindlessly, I am not a confrontational person so ignored it. Bf's mum hated the gift I gave her and was very rude about it (asked bf in advance what to get her). Bf's mum tried hard to convince me to drink drive, and at one point bf's mum brings up the subject of my dead parent, lectures me about how I should 'get over it', how I am grieving 'wrong' (she really wants me to get drunk on the anniversary of my parent's death and I do not). I took great offence, tried to contain my emotions but could not, and I stormed out of their house in tears.

Bf came outside to check on me, and we agreed we would collect our things and leave. As we were leaving, bf hugged his mum goodbye, I opted to give her a half-hug in an attempt to avoid awkwardness, she got very close to my face and swore at me loudly. We swiftly left. When we arrived at bf's home I cried for about 5 hours until I fell asleep, as I was very hurt by bf's mum's words and thought it would be the end of our relationship.

I asked bf why he thought his mum swore at me as we were leaving, and he was both shocked and confused. When he asked her about it she said it was because she tried to hug me and I pulled away, which simply did not happen.

Since xmas day I've been invited to 2 other family events which I declined, but I did attend the third as it was less booze-focused, with my bf's extended family who I do genuinely get on well with. I was at the get together for about 4 hours, and the only time his mum spoke to me (or looked at me) was to offer me a drink when I first arrived. We left after most of the extended family had left and I thought it was a better ending than on xmas day.

The morning after, bf's mum had texted him saying I'd really upset his sister (F32) by not giving her a lift home, despite her getting a lift with someone else before we left. Admitted I couldn't remember and sent sister a text apology, she replied saying no problem and didn't seem bothered by it.

To date I have not recieved any apology, so I am convinced bf's mum hates me and wants me out of his life.

I've spoken at length to bf, to get him to understand my perspective of what happened and how I felt, he's promised he'll speak to him mum and stand up for me. I insisted I want an apology from his mum and then we can move on. We're doing really well together and there's no suggestion of a split, I'm just anxious about being around his mum in the future as I feel like she's intent on creating drama and blaming me for it. Help!

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/opengarlic284 on 2023-12-31 12:13:15+00:00.

I’ve [M20] been recently getting irritated with my sister [F29] because she’s been acting childish especially towards me and it makes me stressed whenever i’m in her presence.

she basically knows no bounds. she is constantly touching me and treating me like a child in a way that feels dehumanizing. i feel like i can never do anything or be anything of my adult self because she will call me “cringe” or again treat me in the same light as fucking child

it shouldn’t really bother me and is more so a criticism that a 14 year old just barely reaching puberty would make but this seriously infuriates me. it makes me feel highly insecure because i’ve always dealt with insecurity about feeling my age and overall anxiety around my self image but i just don’t think this happens to most people around my age at least in the way she treats me

where as affection with family exists for people my age, this just isn’t it normally. its much more excessive and way more uncomfortable especially with me. i don’t know its hard to explain. it feels like she just thinks she can toy around with me all she wants especially since i have a smaller build and since i’ve always been the youngest. i’ve explained many times that i don’t like being touched, but she’ll blame it on me and “porn addiction”. the thing is she is also very raunchy and everyone in the family knows this and they also don’t like being touched by her including my mom and my other sister. i end up seeing the most of it because i unfortunately end up seeing her the most

i’m not sure if i’m exaggerating but seriously, it sometimes feels dehumanizing and i want it to stop. again i’ve seen examples of families being really close and me and my other sibling and even me and my mom hug around, lay together, poke around at each other and everything but with the sister i’ve mentioned it always just ends up feeling really uncomfortable with the way she is

. it isn’t just this, but she is generally a hard person to be around. my mom picks her up from work as she doesn’t drive, and often visits our house and its overall a much toxic and chaotic environment whenever she shows up. she acts very childish and doesn’t take anything serious outside of work and becomes a nuisance to both me, my mom and even my poor cat. she always has a problem with everything, and is very self centered. not to mention she legit harms me sometimes. she is a lot stronger than me and “play fights” in a way that is completely one sided and excessive. whenever you tell her to stop or that she is wrong for something, she pulls the victim card. i forget the exact conversation but one time i had talked back to her on something she was at fault for and the next day she told me that night, she was going to kill herself which is why i usually don’t say anything anymore and hold in all of this pent up frustration. she is just generally very toxic to be around. its to the point where im sure she has some undiagnosed mental illness that affects this behavior i’ve mentioned

it is also hard to be “myself” around her because not only does she just usually diminish me as a child, and this goes with what i said earlier but when i was a teen i was one of those kids who would call everything cringe and that attitude rubbed off on her. whenever i try to do anything different, she gives me a serious look of disgust or calls me cringe and again it makes me feel a lot self doubt because i always grew up not knowing it was okay to be myself and now that i am trying, the only person around me most of the time is brushing me off and demeaning me for it. it shouldn’t hurt but it does and that attitude is why i always felt anxious to do anything different but maybe i’m at fault, idk

anyways as i’m writing this, i can’t help but to feel bad because i do really love my sister but i just can’t get myself to be around her anymore when it is an environment that i just can’t be in anymore. i’ve always been the closest with her in the family and she’s done a lot for me which i’m grateful for and i can’t do it anymore and i’m not sure how to detach. it isnt always this bad either, i still always have good moments with her but im still tired of her toxic behavior and don’t know how to deal with it

tldr: older sister doesn’t respect boundaries, treats me like a child in a way that is dehumanizing and is generally very toxic towards me and my family and likely deals with an untreated mental illness. isnt always bad but having trouble detaching and dont know how to deal with it

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Jenny1354 on 2023-12-31 12:04:28+00:00.

Hi guys so after a fwb situation we ended up together and in a few months i was already pregnant, while the time passed he started verbally abusing me and insulting me due to weight i gained during pregnancy, thinking im being controlling over him while just wanting him to be more family oriented and responsible towards me and the baby and on top had known that he had a gambling addiction for which i forgave him twice. Lastly his family has still linking up with his ex and bringing her around us which i believed to be disrespectful towards me (when i raised my concern to him he ended up siding with them instead of defending me) and this made the situation at home worse. Basically my concern now is whether or not i did the right thing considering our 1 1/2 year olds reaction to the situation and also the fact that i have mixed feelings about my decision or was overeacting. Also wanted to state that he never proposed to me but just recognised the baby by civil marriage and that i suspect that he cheated on me while i was pregnant but he never admitted it nor i had 100% proof.

TL;DR : exiting a toxic relationship with a gambling addict and a cheater but having concerns about our baby

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/BobcatPure1414 on 2023-12-31 11:59:47+00:00.

Hello, im (22f) my man(29m).

I have an issue. I have been woth my man for over 3 years now. The BIGGEST issue i have is his masturbation. I feel so inadequate because all of the ladies he watches has long hair (i have short hair), they have big chests (i didnt really have a chest untill i had 2 kids with him still not as big as all the women he watches), they have big butts and skinny waists (i only have the butt in everything he likes. He also likes blonds a bit more too, to which i am a brunette[i had bleached hair that kept going back a forth from blue and blond when we got together and then ive ran out of money for my hair and time, so that is no longer a thing])

In the beginning when we got together, he said he saw it as gay because, " you touch your own dick" which he is autistic so i could see him thinking differently like that. Though i gave him HELL for like a year and a half, because i always said, "if a guy &/or a girl say they dont watch porn or at least masturbate, they are Lying!" Well one day i had lost a page i was looking at on his computer and i found porn. A chat bot actually where you play a game with a girl. I went off on him for lying to me for so long then he said it was his ex. But i check how long it had been since her device or any other had been signed into his google account and found out that it had been MONTHS since she or anyone else except him was on it. Leaving his history with a S*Load ton of things he had watched 20min after us having sex somtimes, in the morning after we had sex RIGHT before bed. Just way too close to us having had sex for me to have satisfied him, it had seemed. He had started hidding it better, but then i used an app that would try to block the sites and his phone started to be blocked by the app because it did that when you go into incognito mode. I told him i caught him and there was a HUGE fight. Then months later we had to move into his moms house where it got way worse. I was pregnant with my first and i personally feel like it was because i was getting fatter. By the by~ i had told him that i didnt care if my boyfriends did it, just not while im around in the house [you know... because im right there if you need me~], or only watching it together to which he has never done, still did it behind my back, even after us having sex but WAY MORE FREQUENTLY. It got to the point to where even right after sex i could hear the 'rhythm' from the bathroom RIGHT after sex. I would stand there with pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, my heart pounding in my ears, just frozen by the door not knowing what to do because i obviously didnt do good enough at all (i dont like sex that much to begin with... so even me just doing that is mostly for him and i felt like i had lost my use as a girlfriend and that all these other ladys are so so much better than i am. (He will NOT open up about what he likes to me except 2 things and only one of those i can do (blowjobs) the other thing is me being smaller but after pregnancy im a fat blob, i can see it myself. So in my mind (he hasnt said anything) i feel like i dont hit that kink for him at all. After that i just told him to do what he does and that i dont care, to which i guess i kida lied because i would always just be filled with anxiety everytime he took just a little too long to shower, or take a poo, or stupid stuff. After a while though i stopped having sex so much with him and i got better. During my 2nd pregnancy i didnt even care. I just kinda stopped having sex with him so often and now we get it about once a week and i dont even want to do that. I would love to gmhave sex more, but everytime i do and i find out that he has 'done the things' i get all panicky again and i withdraw again. I dont know what to do and now ticktock is the issue. I just keep saying, 'ohhh i dont care, we can watch it together' but he never watches it with me, never tells me what he watches when i ask about his kinks, or anuthing that would help me, and he either gives me this weird look and doesnt say anything, tells me to shut up with a lighhearted joking manner, or else he says something like 'dont worry at all i do t even really do that anymore' i dont know what to do. Other than small simple silly things... this is the MAIN ISSUE in this relationship..

Also! I HAVENT ever had this issue with another guys, at the beginning of the relationship it would be a little rough learning point with the "if im here, im here to do it for/with you" but everytime i would just walk in and be like, "oooohhh, what do we have here? May i join sexy~?" and after a while it was fine and i would watch it with them, we would explore eachother and different things we could do, you know that good stuff... But not with this guy? Why? I dont know what to do, it kills me. I dont wanna withdrawal because if i do, i even notice im being completely unloving in regular life. But if i try to satisfy him more then i just feel completely horrible and brought down when i find out he is back at it again.... we have 2 kids together and with this being the only issue i have really (other than dishes XDXD) i know its a small thing in the end. Especially when i was able to ignore it for over 11 months now. Now here i am 3 years later,we are back to being more active and actually just TONIGHT i found more stuff on his tick tock after doing it in the morning and tonight.. i should have known when he let me go back to bed and came to bed at 2am.. i cant be 'complainer' who doesnt feel safe leaving her 29 year old man alone in our own livingroom after sex because of this.... help please what should/can i do other than threatten not having sex at all so i dont feel any emotions about it, but probably push him into another woman because he isnt getting satisfied at all now.. idk man, idk..help..

Edit: Let me add that everytime he says im sexy, he says im beautiful, he says he loves me to the ends of the earth. Sex is very passionate, he says good things while having sex. I just hate the though 'he is thinking about having sex image of a sexy lady he watched or another image of a sexier lady instead of me" but when i do bring that up, he makes sure to make a point of looking me deep in the eyes while doing it and the passion doesnt change it... so yeah..

Tldr; So my man has been masturbation and feel insecure, i feel like ive tried everything i can to include myself in it with him, make thinkgs more interesting, etc. But it keeps happening behind my back and i feel like he doesnt like me/my body. Should withdrawal sexually and emotionally so i stop feeling hurt? Or do i push him into including me so i feel less left out/ unattractive?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Mountain_Athlete9645 on 2023-12-31 11:53:47+00:00.

So just yesterday, I was at my friend's house and we were talking about the most random off stuff till the topic arrived on relationships. I've know her through mutual friends and we quickly became close. Her husband was ling time friends with my husband, and so has she. Well typically, I was the last one to join the group.

She was scrolling through her gallery and showing me pics of them hanging out. But then, someone was at the door, and she left her phone unattended. I know snooping is wrong, and I'm still feeling guilty, but I came across a few pics and videos of my husband with his ex.In the start of the relationship, we did discuss about our exes a bit, but it never went deep cause none of us really cared. But after seeing these videos, I'm getting a bit too curious. He's had more exes then me.

His ex was stunning gorgeous, and even model like. She had those cat-like eyes, and an amazing body, something he has expressed his liking for whenever we watch movies. I am nothing like that. I have huge owl like eyes bulging out of my sockets and i don't have that hourglass body his ex had. We have had children, and my body has not since fully come back to its thin size. There was a video of them enjoying in some art museum, and i could hear noises of them laughing and there was even a glimpse of them giving each other those love stares and kisses and pecks with his arm around her. I couldn't see much more. It broke my heart and still does.I realised that my husband was the most attractive guy i've had a relationship with, while my husband hung out with such beauties. My exes always told me i wasn't as pretty.....

Our relationship has always gone well and simple, but confrontation keeps coming to my mind, now that i question whether his actions were genuine.

tldr: found video of husband with his ex, having the time of their life and enjoying, and now I'm questioning whether thing are well?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Mambaman024 on 2023-12-31 11:36:56+00:00.

My wife and I have been together since HS. We have been married for 8 years and have 1 child together. She recently has become really close with her coworker. They have been working together for about 5 months and have become a lot closer friends over like the last 2 months. They are preschool teachers so they work very closely with each other 5 days a week. As soon as she gets home, it seems like they are communicating with each other nonstop via text. She is always gushing about how great of a person the friend is and how much she loves spending time with her. The friend is also in a long term committed relationship to man but does identify as bisexual.

They have hung out outside of work a couple of times (Went out to lunch and dinner, and recently had a sleepover at the friend’s house). My wife if a lovely person but admittedly has not had much luck maintaining friendships over the years. It seems she will be cool with someone (usually the person she is working alongside) but the relationship tends to fade. But she has never been this communicative with someone or made them to be such a priority before. So this is definitely new territory for her and for me to be witnessing. I also want to highlight that while the friend is in a long term committed relationship apparently she is considering leaving him. She wants marriage and kids and from what my wife told me, her boyfriend recently told her that he does not want either of those things. They have been together for 4 years.

So I did go through her phone (shame me later) and the way they communicate (especially on my wife’s end) seems inappropriate. Lots of “You’re so pretty. You’re so beautiful. I miss you so much. I can’t wait to see you. Wish I was with you right now.” Lots of hearts and kiss emojis too. Maybe this is normal for women who are friends but it does seem to be a bit fast for this type of thing given how short of a time they have known each other. At least to me. It also just seems flirtatious.

They have also been talking about sex a lot and what their fantasies are and what they have done in the past. My wife has never been one to talk about this with anyone. Not even her sister who she is very close with. My wife also said in a text that if she wasn’t married she could see herself being with a woman and talking about how she loves breasts. So I am thinking she might be a little bi-curious at the least. She also has mentioned things about our relationship to the friend (something we don’t typically do) but she has done it numerous times.

Lastly, she has been very secretive with phone ( Always attached to it, places it face down, etc.) and has not been as affectionate towards me in recent weeks.

So I’m just curious, am I reading too much into it or am I onto something? I know we will need to talk it out with each other, but I would love some perspective from others.

TL;DR: Wife has made a new friend who she talks to all the time about topics/things she normally keeps private. They seem flirty/ interested in each other and the friend is having relationship problems.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Fantastic-Shine-411 on 2023-12-31 11:36:40+00:00.

Hi everyone, I'll keep it short:

I (24 Female) been dating my boyfriend (27 Male) for a year. We had some problems in our relationship, mostly communication but you know the usual. I suggested therapy for him (because I was already in therapy) and that we took a break, he accepted. A week later (after his 1st session) he confesses to me that he cheated 3 times on me, which totally shocked me as I didn't think he would be capable. He told me that the cheating was through phonecalls and it was 100% sexual, that he didn't feel anything for the girl and that he decided to tell me because it wasn't fair to me. I decided to break up with him.

We went no contact but we work in the same workplace and I saw him really sad and devastated. After a month, he asked me to talk, I accepted even though I wasn't sure. He tolde me that he had one of the worst months of his life, that he regrets what he did and he wants to change and be a better man because he wants the future we always talked about (we were going to move together before this). He was even crying, which I never saw before (he told me multiple times that he wasn't able to since a long time ago) but therapy helped him and he was aware that it was a pattern of auto sabotage that he did too with an ex girlfriend. At the moment I told him that I forgave him but I wasn't going to take him back.

A day after, we were at a work party and I drank a little too much and I went outside to cry because I missed him and suddenly he appeared to comfort me (as he always did) and in that moment I told him I wanted to fix things.

Fast forward a month after the party, we are together, he keeps going to therapy, I do too. We are communicating more than ever and he has never blamed me for what happened neither gaslighted me. He tells me that it won't happen again, not just because of me, but because of him, to not repeat the same mistakes now that he is aware. I've been struggling to trust him again, although I must say he's not only words but actions too. He's even deleted a lot of girls (friends) from Instagram (I didn't requested it) and he told me that before he was afraid of being in love with me so he didn't love me entirely so he didn't get hurt and that the cheating according to his psychologist was because of those insecurities and Madonna wh0r3-complex. But now he wants to love me entirely even if that means being vulnerable.

So here I am, as you can see, he confessed, he's willing to work things out, he's been respectful, everything is as it was before. Except for me. Even tho I'm 99% sure he's learned his lesson and he's doing everything to be better I can't find a way to trust him again. And the thought of him doing it again in the future (maybe married, with kids) it would just devastate me. I believe people can change if they want to, of course, but humans are imperfect, sometimes we relapse. And I'm really confused on what to do now...

Any thoughts?

(Excuse my English I'm not an English speaker).

TL;DR: My boyfriend cheated on me and we want to fix things. I think he's changing for better but I can't seem to trust him again. Help please.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/dumb-_- on 2023-12-31 11:34:07+00:00.

We met each other on an online dating site and immediately hit it off. It is not often that I find someone with whom I vibe that easily, so I was very happy and found him cute too. We texted for 2-3 days, including some sexting, after which we immediately decided to meet on a date and stay back in a hotel. After this, things moved very fast and we shared 'I love you's and decided to be in a relationship. The relationship was amazing with mutual attraction, gratitude and love. This went on for a year and a half after which I suffered from a psychotic attack. I was already under treatment for depression. This was a very tough period of time for him as he definitely went through caregiver's burden while taking care of me. On the other side, he had exams and loads of pressure from his university (we're both students) Eventually, he decided to break up with me and he said that he couldn't do this anymore as the relationship is taking a huge toll on his mental health as well as his academic performance. Since then we chose to continue to be in touch regardless of the break up. The amount of communication reduced drastically but apart from that things remained the same. We still continued to care for each other and even met every once in a while. He sometimes stays at my flat when he gets a couple of days off from uni, and we engage in sex as well. He thinks that there are chances that someday he would wish to get back together once he's not under so much stress, but we don't know when that would be. I am least interested in finding someone else and moving on because I have not found anyone else attractive in a very long time. I have tried but failed. So, I'd very much prefer that we got back together instead of finding someone else.

I don't know what to do here. Is he playing with me and wasting my time, or is he genuine? Is this a relationship that I should wait for or should I be cutting it off? He's a nice guy and the only one I like so do want him in my life but I'm very confused in this scenario.

TLDR: Boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me but we stayed in touch and are currently stuck in a situationship. Confused whether I should be waiting for him or moving on.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ConfusedNeedAWayOut on 2023-12-31 11:33:20+00:00.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year, and she often perceives my approaches to certain issues as "controlling." For example, today, I asked her a straightforward question about whether she understood something I said about a trivial matter. She casually replied "maybe," which seemed to me like she didn’t give the question any thought. In response, I asked her to have some manners and answer properly, and when she appeared irritated, I called her "spoilt."

She countered by saying that if I don’t want to spoil anyone, then I shouldn’t have a girlfriend, and should just stick with normal friends. She also mentioned that my way of expressing unhappiness is a form of controlling her, comparing it to conditioning a dog or keeping a slave. I feel I was just stating a fact: not answering a simple question properly is bad manners and spoilt behavior.

There's also an issue with her using her phone during our conversations. Today, she seemed upset after I was on my phone while responding to her, leading to a discussion where I suggested neither of us should behave in what I consider a dismissive manner. However, she expressed that she'd prefer we both have the freedom to do whatever when together. This conversation led to the initial incident where she answered my question with “maybe.”

I wonder if I am indeed being "controlling." I can't grasp how expecting her to answer a question infringes on her "freedom." When I proposed we work on better communication, she said, "it can’t change." This gives me the impression of a fixed mindset from her end regarding our relationship. How do we work on this, ensuring she doesn't feel controlled and I don’t feel dismissed? I don’t want to be a controlling boyfriend, but she says it's "just my personality and that it can't change."

TL;DR: I'm struggling with perceived control issues in my relationship, where my girlfriend feels controlled by my reactions, and I feel dismissed by hers. Seeking advice on improving communication and finding a balance where neither feels constrained or neglected.