Relationships

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Bumblebee_Broker on 2023-12-31 08:35:33+00:00.

We have been together for more than 4 years and engaged for 2 months. I love him with all my heart, but I also feel emotionally drained.

You know how every girl wants to be more emotionally intimate with their male partner? And also that the men usually want to have more sex? Well, I am in the opposite situation. I feel that since the moment we met, he has been in my emotional world uninvited.

At the beginning I felt blessed, because he’d be very interested in me, and I was coming out of an addiction so I appreciated that there was someone there for me helping me to get back on my feet mentally. We share a lot of values and interests and can have a lot of fun together. However, now the emotional closeness is driving me crazy.

Every day since we spend a lot of time together and in each other’s proximity (since the beginning of our relationship), he constantly asks about my internal world. But it is not always caring-like - how are you? Are you feeling okay? Can I help you feel better? But rather monitoring my slightest emotional expression and questioning it, or relates all my reactions and beliefs to past trauma or mental health issues, often out of the blue.

If my nose twitches, or a give a passer-by a frown or, I smile at something he says, he’d ask about it, I would explain, and then we’d go on in a discussion. God forbid if that is a negative emotion- he says that he is open and there for me, and he always wants to improve for our relationship, but if something comes up and I constructively and kindly bring it up, it is my problem and I should talk to a therapist or in a women’s circle.

And today I explained my experience in one of our recent arguments, and he was denying it saying that I make no sense and implying that he doesn’t believe me, that my experience in fact not how reality is. I feel like I am going crazy.

I am so fed up, it is New Year’s Eve day, we are on a world trip and I feel miserable. We only have each other here, all our family and friends are on the other side of the world, but it doesn’t matter, because it is still our life, our relationship and my own mess. I have tried so many things to improve our communication and set boundaries but I feel drained and confused, and if we have another argument I’m just loosing it.

He rarely talks about his own past traumas and issues saying that he has worked them all out (mainly by doing psychedelics, no therapy) and refuses to dig deeper or share about it with others.

Do I have a reason to feel drained? Am I being ungrateful? What could I do to take better care of my mental health this holidays? I’d appreciate any thoughts and feedback.

I just really wanted to share this somewhere there is no one else I can talk to without ruining their celebration or getting emotionally punished for being honest.

Thank you for reading it, stranger & Happy New Year ✨

TL;DR: I love my male fiancé, but his emotional push and pull is draining, especially when he refers everything to past traumas and mental health issues. When I bring up an issue in a relationship he tells me to go to therapy or talk to other women. At the same time, he refuses to share about his own issues as he has worked everything out with psychadelics. We are on a world trip, it is NYE, I am drained and have no-one to talk to.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway12942169051 on 2023-12-31 07:56:10+00:00.

Throwaway because my boyfriend is and some of his friends know my main.

I'll start off by saying, I understand this should be a no-brainer, "You need to tell your bf what's happening so he can put a stop to it!" thing, but I was essentially raised by reddit and YouTube. My parents were neglectful and didn't do anything to raise me so when I gained access to the internet at 13, that's where I got my social skills from. It's made me paranoid.

Some background - I (F19) met my boyfriend's (M22) best friend "Red" (M29) five years ago. "Red" is a kinda big YouTuber and I joined the community discord. "Red" gave me permission to talk to him since he was still fairly naive in the dangers of that and I'd been in the community for a year at this point. I tried to befriend him because I needed better friends than I had at the time and I thought he was a cool person. I admit, I was annoying, but what 14 year old thats still new in the social scene isn't somewhat annoying? A year later I told him I considered him a friend and got shot down. Hard and painfully. In fact, to this day my definition of friendship is scuffed over it. That discord server went down and I lost touch with everyone, eventually drifting from the community until 2022 when I joined the new community discord where I met BF.

Story - "Red" acts very cold twords me when BF isn't around. He'll blatantly ignore me, he'll go on rants and lash out at me over something he took wrong (For example, he was being overly critical of his singing voice because he's recovering from being sick, and when I tried to assure him he sounded great and shouldn't beat himself up over it, he went off on how "He doesn't beat himself down because he's not self destructive like all of us", us being me and the other three people in the voice chat), and he's even vaguely threatened me that I better not be lying about my age, which would be a reasonable concern considering the internet IF he hadn't known me for 6 years. Basically, "Red" has a tendency to be hostile twords me when BF isn't around, but acts very friendly infront of BF.

Last night I was talking to my brother who's also in the community and he pointed out there is always an aggression behind Red's voice when he talks to me that isn't there when he talks to others in the community. At first I thought it was that he's just protective of BF because they're best friends, have even called each other brothers on multiple occasions, but I'm just not sure because even some of Red's other friends don't understand why the change is there. I'm scared to bring it up with BF because I don't want to seem like I'm trying to manipulate him or drive a wedge into his relationship with Red, especially since I've already been in a somewhat similar situation where I told BF about another one of his close friends, "Green" confessing feelings for me (Yes, I showed proof), and another where yet another of BFs close friends went off in a drugged out anger rampage on me and started insulting both of us (Again, I showed him the entire conversation)

I'm not sure what to do here. I don't know if Red really is just overprotective of BF and I'm being paranoid, or if I did something else to make Red not like me... I don't want to screw up BF and Red's friendship on accident and am not sure how to go about this.

TL;DR - My Boyfriend's best friend acts cold, irritable, and aggressive with me and no one else when BF isn't around, and people are starting to take notice. I don't know how to go about telling BF without potentially ruining their friendship.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/knuds1b on 2023-12-31 04:51:19+00:00.

Edit: to clarify: she is NOT low on money, she IS seeing a neurologist, she is NOT experiencing dementia nor Alzheimers, she DOES give gifts well most of the time when she tries to.

TL;DR: my grand/mother cobbled together half of the pieces of a used toothbrush set as my Christmas gift, and I'm not sure how/if I can talk to her about it.

(I title her as such because she and my grand/father raised me since 4 years old, so they feel more like my parents, and we have those understood 'places' in the family structure)

My grand/mother has seemed really careless about gifts for me the last year or two, and it's become hurtful. She is giving me random things and now even very obviously used and half-collected gifts.

First, I have to say I greatly enjoy a used gift, any gift, when it is done with even just a little thought. The most so if it's a helpful or practical gift; those gifts are my favorite. Something I can actually use in my life! Give me a gas card, or a set of socket wrenches, or good socks, or a clock, or batteries, or a new toothbrush...seriously, anything I can use.

I also LOVE to give gifts, and she is one of my most favorite people, so I'm still going to keep buying her exactly what she asks for each year, regardless of what I get myself, because I love to make her happy with what I get her!

So, her gifts to me have seemed slightly aloof for a couple years, but i finally noticed enough to see and recall it this year. For my birthday at a family gathering, I received some interesting items in a gift bag from her. A shirt, NWT, but that was several sizes too big and sheer (I never, ever wear sheer shirts, but that's her niche, and in her size); a sticker sheet of glitter letters, but a few were missing; and a few other things that seemed odd and not particularly useful/relevant to me at the time. I still thanked her graciously and let my son use the stickers to show they'd be enjoyed. It occurred to me later that she had simply gone around her house to mount a collection of unwanted items to give as my birthday gift. I brushed it off again; at least one item was new, and maybe she forgot to shop or was in a rush again? It's the thought that counts...not much thought, but some was there, I think?

Ok, so Christmas this year, another gift in a bag. This time, it is a really nice set of Aquasonic Duo whitening electronic toothbrushes!! Again, a really odd gift for me, who has always had very naturally white teeth, used a boring manual brush, and never showed any interest in further whitening efforts, whereas she has always had very stained teeth and has bought every whitening product and contraption ever sold, until she finally got her teeth professionally whitened at her dentist in October. But, hey, this toothbrush is practical AND fancy!! Except, I can see that the box is open; has not been retaped closed. And, it is partially crushed, has a huge open gash running down one side. I turn it over, and the pieces are all clanging around inside; definitely missing the original packaging. NBD. I open it and a manual comes out. Except, it is a manual for a Philips Sonicare water flosser, not an Aquasonic toothbrush. I realize this is an extremely used gift now, and close the box and give my thanks.

After returning home, I text her that the manual is somehow for the wrong item. Then I inspect the gift further. One of the extra toothbrush heads is missing; I'm guessing that was used. But, this is supposed to be a two-machine set...and the black toothbrush is missing. I texted my grandma and asked where the second toothbrush is? She says to look in it's case... I send her a pic of the empty case. She says the correct manual is in the mail, by the way. I now realize I'm also missing the charging dock for both toothburshes, and the charging cord, so I have no way of charging the one toothbrush that i do have. I text her this and now I'm waiting for a reply.

Not once since receiving this have I gotten even the tiniest hint of embarrassment or conciliation, not even a simple "oops, my mistake!" Or "sorry about that!" about any wrong/missing parts. It is so weird and now my feelings are hurt. Not for receiving a clearly used half-gift, but to be given such a careless gift...and she doesn't seem to be one bit alerted that I have caught on to how careless she was with her gifting. At least take 5 minutes to make sure you have all of the pieces, before you gift it?? I would have been genuinely happy if it was all the pieces, the right manual, and maybe tape the box back together. I really am very easy to buy for; and this IS a practical and useful gift when done right, even when given used. It's the thought that counts, yes, but this was sadly and simply thought-less.

I want to talk to her about it, and I want to know what she was thinking, but not sure how to proceed. How do i tell her i am hurt without sounding ungrateful? Or am I in the wrong here?? Did i not say something soon enough at birthday or prior times, and let it get to this point, so now it's my own fault?

I don't think she will react well to being called out for being careless, no matter how privately nor gently i do it. And I feel ashamed for picking on my own grand/mother like this, too. It's NOT a money issue. I do their taxes, so I know how much they make, and how few expenses they have -- they're doing just fine, and have plenty of extra funds for vacations and such. Grand/father isn't like this, but he knows how she is... :( advice appreciated. TiA.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/666CroissantAuBeurre on 2023-12-31 01:15:43+00:00.

We met in early October and started dating right away. We'll call her Jane. She mentioned right away that she wanted to take her time, that past relationships had her freak out because they went too fast. For example, in her previous relationship, her ex said "I love you" after 3 weeks. They weren't officially a relationship in her eyes, and because she freaked out, she hooked up with another guy. She isn't proud about that. The relationship ended up being toxic as hell.

Anyway. Jane and I started very nicely. After a bit more than a month I asked her to be my official girlfriend, to which she said yes. I said "I love you" for the first time, her answer was "Don't say that" (it happened during a bit of a reconciliation after a fight about my insecurities).

We stayed together, it was beautiful. She also said she loved me but a very few times. It's been 3 months. But I felt like the relationship has been degrading lately. For a few weeks, Jane has become colder. It started when I had insecure behaviour. As an example,I wanted to understand why "blasts from the past" were still contacting her. It annoyed her. And she became really distant lately. But she was also going through life-changing challenges, and I was there for her. Supported her, cooked her dinner, massaged her, comforted her. She thanked me for that. Yet, she became distant again afterwards.

Today I mentioned to her that I feel rejected more and more. She finally told me that she is scared that I am too "fatherly" (giving her unrequited advice; it's true that I'm used to be the "father of the house" in my family, took care of them all to help them quit our difficult country). She said that she's worried that I am a control freak, although she thinks she might be paranoid because of past relationships. Now, I think I'm mostly an anxious person because of past traumas, related to family and war.

She also said this. "I think we went too fast. We don't have the same perspective because I've been through 8 breakups and I think I am a bit jaded. You've had only one prior relationship. I've become more realistic than before, less reckless in love. My normal rythm is to become official, or to say I love you after about 5 months. I did want to be with you, but I feel like it's still early, we are still in troubled water, we still don't really know each other. So, my reason makes me slow down and take a step back."

I asked "Will there ever be clear water / certainty that we will work together?" to which she replied "In my opinion it's impossible to know that early, that's the point".

Where do we go from there? I am pretty lost. Thank you.

TL;DR!: My new girlfriend has been backing off from the relationship lately. She confessed it went too quick and we cannot know yet if it's actually working together, because we still don't know each other well, and because she is afraid I'm too" fatherly".

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Odd_Tiger_9999 on 2023-12-31 00:41:58+00:00.

My girlfriend won’t talk to me unless I talk so she’s always replying she never makes any conversation this goes on real life when we are with each other I am always the one who’s talking she never talks first and if I am not we are just sitting in silence.

And the same on call if I don’t talk we just sit in silence she never asks me about my day or what I am doing.

Even on text she hardly makes a effort and just gives me small word answers I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t love me but she just doesn’t feel the need to speak to me unless I speak to her

Has anyone got some suggestions on what I should do?as it’s starting to become a problem

TL;DR: I am not sure what to do she doesn’t speak to me unless I speak to her

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/CreativeSoup72 on 2023-12-31 00:35:46+00:00.

I was reading about dismissive avoidant attachments, and everything just clicked. Everyone's story was the same as my ex's. He warned me I wouldn't like being with him but still asked me to be his girlfriend. He wanted excessive space and alone time which I gave but ultimately, we weren't compatible. I don't know how to reconnect with him, every time we talk it turns into a dumb argument. He broke up with me but had already moved on in secret before he did so he had no feelings about it meanwhile I was broken and accepted a no-strings attached relationship for 2 years. We recently ended that, since he said he found a new girl that he's pursuing but won't date. What confuses me is he's always offering his help to me. Honestly, I don't know what to say to him anymore. I'm not trying to date him again but I want to be friends. I feel like we've been through so much and I don't want to throw everything away. and even if he doesn't see it that way, that's how it feels to me.

td;lr My avoidant ex is friendly but things aren't the same anymore. Should I just give up on being friends with my him?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Wisdomseekr79 on 2023-12-30 23:17:22+00:00.

So I have been seeing a girl for the past 2 months and we get along well and have fun on our dates. I am in grad school and she works full time and has been full time for the past 7 or so months.

The first date I paid for entirely and I have no issue with that. On the second date she offered to buy me a drink or two since I paid for bowling and I really liked that she offered and bought me a drink because I grew up in a house where my mom made more than my dad and men aren’t expected to pay for 100% of stuff.

So we have gone out every weekend together and had always offered to pay for something since that second date, but the last 2 dates she hasn’t offered at all and it’s not like we are going to expensive places. It’s now starting to bother me.

She acknowledged multiple times that I am in grad school and she is working full time so it is only right she contribute as well, even though I was still paying for 80% of the dates. I told her multiple times that I appreciate her offering to chip in and I accepted her offers every time. But the past two weeks she just stopped offering and it’s bothering me. I don’t want a relationship where I pay for 100%.

TL;DR: The girl (24/F) I (24/M) have been going out with for the past two months was chipping in money on dates but has suddenly stopped the last two dates despite her acknowledging she should be paying too since she’s working full time and I’m in grad school and not working at all. Her not paying anymore is starting to make me like her less. Unsure if I should just end things if she continues to not pay.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Silver_Boot_8630 on 2023-12-30 19:45:08+00:00.

I (f15) and my bf (m15) have had a serious chat today. For context, i've been with my boyfriend 8 months now, and i've never been happier. he is my second boyfriend and i love him to bits

however, today he comes to me and starts crying and i ask what's wrong and he apologises and tells me that THREE weeks ago, him his best friend and their family friend hang out and they all played a game of truth or dare to get along since they don't already apparently

It was my boyfriend's turn, and the family friend (let's just call her sarah) dared him to kiss her. (i’m pretty sure). Baring in mind, they put money down too. and he kissed sarah for not long at all according to everyone but he apologised perfusly.

I'm glad he apologised, told me the truth, and took accountability. I have lost a lot of his trust and i know he won't do it again, but it was three weeks ago and he could've told me but the reason why he told me today was because all my friends found out as sarah spread it.

I don't know why he did it or what "wrong mindset" (i quote him on that) he was in. i know he doesn't like sarah but i was angry because i felt really unimportant. i just wanted to know what made him say yes and why money was chosen over the relationship.

As mentioned before, my bfs best friend was there too and i hung out with her last week and she acted like nothing happened. everything's gone wrong and for some reason i feel guilty.

My boyfriend keeps apologising and kept telling me he made a mistake and i really really want to work on us a bit because our relationship has been rocky lately and i want to give him a chance to make it up to me because i can't loose him and i know he'd never do that i'm just confused on what to do

TL;DR - i need advice on if i should break up with my boyfriend or not because he kissed his family friend as a dare in truth or dare, after realising (when he got home) that it was a huge mistake.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwRA18272h on 2023-12-30 19:19:38+00:00.

Been together 1 year 2 months.

First 5 months or so was electric, amazing, euphoric, then we went on a long vacation together and I saw another side to her.

She’s been single over 20 years, I’ve had a few long term relationships, lived with a girl 7 years etc but no kids.

She’s never married, no kids, and for what it’s worth never owned a house (saying this because might show lack of stability).

The other side of her is almost like a demon inside her, pushing me away. I confronted her and she blames childhood trauma and a rough upbringing.

She disappears turning her phone off.

She cannot handle stress.

Tiny things and she becomes a little girl before me.

She’s jealous.

She plays games.

But, when she’s the good version of herself, she is amazing, perfect.

We were going to live together but the other side of her is making me pull back. I think she might be unstable. Her trauma was 40 years ago and she’s been in therapy and worked on it reading books etc.

I too have been in therapy after a recent traumatic death so I am not downplaying the trauma but if she’s been like this for 20 years, she’s not going to change any time soon is she?

I also fear she is heading towards menopause so there is a risk she will get more emotional than she already is and her very low stress tolerance will get worse?

Small things like a spilt drink on the hotel sheets sent her into meltdown. Small example but similar things happened during the vacation. I feel she’s managed to hide it but on vacation she couldn’t hide it.

She also has told me a few times she thinks she’s better off alone so people don’t have to deal with her emotions.

I’m not getting any younger and I feel like I’m almost too invested but I’m glad I didn’t move in with her.

Any advice at all please, should I keep trying to? I love her and don’t want to stress her or upset her. I’m thinking of cooking things and trying to be friends because I’ve seen how she can be when things aren’t as serious. Also she doesn’t seem to show this bad side to her friends.

Thank you

TL;DR invested in a relationship, seeing cracks, has trauma or potentially unstable, not sure what to do

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA-1578932 on 2023-12-30 19:10:07+00:00.

My boyfriend (22m) and I (21f) met in college during our first semester. We were in the same circles for a while but never talked much until a little under a year ago and we’ve been dating for 6 months now. Since we both moved out of state for college and both live pretty far away from our parents (his are much much further than mine), I still haven’t been able to meet his family. He’s met mine on multiple occasions and stayed at my parents’ house with me for a holiday.

This is where things get a little ugly. I booked a trip to go to his parents’ house about a month ago and everything was seemingly going to be alright. Obviously, I was stressed that I was going to be staying at their house for a holiday while also meeting them for the first time, but since my boyfriend would be with me the whole time, I figured I’d probably be okay.

Well, my boyfriend was asked to work on the night of the holiday. We are both in the same line of work, and this gig was something that would be really good for him. He asked me if it was okay for him to commit to it, and while I was a little stressed, I knew he’d make good money from it and he’d make good connections, so I told him to go ahead and do it. I just wanted to be supportive, and I would never ask him to go back on his commitment, but I do feel a bit of regret over not considering myself when making that decision.

I arrive on the day of the holiday so I’ll have a few hours with him there, but then I’ll have to spend the entire night alone with his family. I really need to make a good first impression, I plan on being in this relationship for a long time so I want his parents to like me.

So Reddit, how can I still make a good first impression under these stressful circumstances?

TLDR; meeting my boyfriends parents for the first time on a holiday while staying at his parents’ house and he won’t be able to make it for the holiday celebration, How can I still make a good first impression with his parents?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Hot-Ad-5114 on 2023-12-30 18:56:17+00:00.

Original Title: Hi, I'm a 27 year old female who is in a relationship with a 27 year old male for the past two years, initially he was very good to me and our relationship went very well, but coming to this year things have become shaky.

Hi, I'm a 27 year old female who is in a relationship with a 27 year old male for the past two years, initially he was very good to me and our relationship went very well, but coming to this year things have become shaky. First things first, we are dating to marry, we are not really compatible but we are willing to adjust and compromise as we love each other to death and things have been working out well for us. But recently, his parents have been pushing him for marriage throughout 2023. Now, he comes from an upper caste Rajput family and I belong to an SC, a lower caste family. Sometime ago he somehow managed to convince his parents to marry me but his parents gave a couple conditions, that they'll never eat anything from my hand, and will marry us in 2024. That's all he tells me about his conversation with his parents.

Now, I was okay with these things too, but as of a couple months, he has a lot of workload from his office and he often does over time, he says this workload will continue for around 6-7 months into next year, and due to this workload he doesn't talk to me much, doesn't talk as lovingly and is often irritated pretty soon. Initially, I tried telling him how he is making me feel unloved due to his actions, a lot of things happened where i didn't really feel understood but in short everytime i discussed my feelings with him, it turned into an argument, i would cry to him over the call, beg him to talk to me, etc. Earlier he used to calm me down, but this time around he didn't reassure me or anything, but slept. I felt disheartened, but then we met and i came to the understanding that he's just very overburdened at work and hence feels pressured at work and also from his family. SO since then i have been trying to be more understanding to him and not creating any issues though i heavily feel unloved, I also have an anxious attachment style so it doesn't help. However, i don't want to add to his problems.

Moving on, today he went on a trip with one of his guy friends, his gf and two more girls who he doesn't really know. Now, he texted me once in 1-2 hours such as, I'm going to eat, I'm at the station, but these texts were really at a gap of 1-2 hours, so I technically waited for him for hours, but even though I felt bad, I didn't say anything to him when he indeed came online. But I guess he sensed my mood through my texts so i told him that it's because I have been waiting for him for very long time so I just felt bad, But i do understand that trips get hectic and I don't blame him. I wasn't being sarcastic or anything, I only told him because he asked, before this I was talking to him nicely, sending stickers and everything. But then as I explained my reason to him he said that I was fighting with him even though he updated me everytime, I explained to him again that that's not how it was but then he only responded with okay, okay. It really made me angry and hurt, and then he said that he's going to sleep. I told him that i didn't want to fight but the way he replied is making me feel 10x worse, maybe if he could give a bit of reassurance it'd help me, but he said that he already has a lot on his hands, i shouldn't be adding to it, do I shut myself. The thing is I suffer from anxiety and can't fall asleep and get at risk of getting a panic attack if we don't end our convos nicely, but he always tends to cut the convos short and go sleep.

Anyway, now I feel confused, am I asking for too much and pressurising him by asking him to cater to my needs? Also, I don't want to burden him, but his office work will continue for months, until then how do I, a person with severe anxiety manage if his behaviour is like this?

TLDR: My bf of two years now doesn't shower love or talk decently or give me reassurance as he's overburdened and over pressured by his workplace and his family (for marriage), I get anxious when he doesn't talk nicely and I'm confused if my behavior is acceptable.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/bugsprout56 on 2023-12-31 05:48:37+00:00.

TLDR: My best friend and I have come to have a very close platonic relationship. He has helped me out tremendously and supported me through a bad breakup. We went on a camping trip and ended up sleeping together

Okay to preface this, I (f23) and my best friend (m25) have known each other for about 3 years through mutual friends and events. I’m not sure at what point we started hanging out more but at least over a year ago. However about 6 months ago, he watched me go through a nasty breakup from a bad guy and we started hanging out a lot more frequently and getting a lot closer. To the point where we’re texting and facetiming every day, I’m staying at his apartment through the whole weekend and he’ll take me to work on Monday, he’ll cover my tab (and I cover his too), we are hiking and backpacking together, concerts together, and even a drunken hook up or two. All around fun. We even share other people we’re interested in with each other.

Until…. Well, we had a mini falling out about some personal matters between us and didn’t speak for about 3 weeks, the longest we’ve gone in months. With this happening around the holiday time, it made me sad and I missed my friend, so I sent him on Christmas wishing him a happy holiday and I hoped he had a good day. No response, until the next day he texts me and we start talking again. Not about anything in particular, just sorta checking in, then he asks me if I still wanted to go on the mini roadtrip we had previously planned, I, of course, agree and I am so excited. We plan it out as a 2 day trip, one state away to camp and visit a hot spring. Time comes and I’m anxiously waiting for him to pick me up, I get the text he’s outside. I grab my things and meet him at the car, he jumps out welcomes me like normal, helps me load my things, and then I say hey and give him a hug, and he hugs me back tight. We continue packing up and as we’re about to leave, he calls me over and as I walk over to him, he grabs me and pulls me into the tightest hug I’ve ever had, pulling my feet off the ground. We tell each other we’re sorry and forgive each other for how we acted. Happily, we get on the road.

While on the road everything is just like nothing happened and we’re back, we end up driving the full 6 hours to where we’re camping at the hot springs. We pull in set up camp and head to bed. Here’s where things take a turn, we have cuddled previously on camping trips for warmth or just for the sake of sharing a small sleeping space (which has always been platonic), however the morning after we pulled in was different. We wake up cuddling, both laying there waking up at one point we turn to look at each other, and without saying anything all of a sudden we are in the most passionate make out session. It gets a little hot and heavy and before it goes too far we stop, we get up, get ready and head to the hot springs. We spend some time at the hot springs, he gives me a foot rub and we’re sitting closer than we’d normally would. After the springs, we head back to camp to set up more and eat lunch, whatever not the good part. Sometime after lunch, we end up in a situation again looking at each other and again, we start making out except this time we end up in our bed set up in his truck bed. Completely sober. You can guess what happens next but it was great. Our trip continues on this way, he was sweet and littered me with compliments, touchy, but on our last morning his mood shifted to back to how he was when we were just friends.

Our trip ends, we pack up and head home. Drive home goes the same as the drive out, listening to music, telling stories, and cracking jokes. As we get close to my house, he asks if I need help with my things, to which I say no because I only had 2 bags. We eventually get to my house and as I go to get my things, he also gets out and starts helping me. I thank him again for the amazing weekend and that I’d see him soon, as we already planned another trip in a few days. As we are saying our goodbyes, he leans in and kisses me. I head inside and he drives off and know I’m thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENENING????

We have never had nothing more than a drunken hookup that happened about 2 years ago and more recently one that we both don’t remember much of. There has never been any indications of anything out of the norm of how he treated me as a close friend. We have spent a lot of time together these past couple months and in my mind we we’re always just friends. I do not want to be in a relationship, as I just got out of one. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship because he is so close to me. But what if he's not my "type"? I don’t mind if it’s just a fwb situation, I just don’t want either of us to get hurt.

What should I do?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/idkthrowawaywhy on 2023-12-31 05:35:40+00:00.

I (24F) got engaged to my partner of five years (25M) six months ago. I am very much in love with him and we have been great together, almost permanent honeymoon phase. I never thought I would look at this man with anything other than admiration.

But now we started living together and I've started to feel more annoyed than usual by some random things he does that are pretty harmless. Just... habits, really. It is nothing that personally affects me or our home — he is amazing at sharing chores, he is romantic and always surprising me with sweet gestures, he verbalizes his love for me every day. He worships the ground I walk on, and I notice it. So, there's not even a way to blame anything on him. The things I'm talking about are ALL inherently harmless. Like, he never uses a knife while eating stuff from a plate, which makes him have to "push" the food into his fork or spoon with his fingers and that irks me a bit. For that one I've even tried gently asking if he would like a knife to help himself out, but he just says he doesn't need it.

Another thing is that he likes having a towel/jacket/robe/whatever other thing around his shoulders at random times, when we're just relaxing at home, and I don't know why that makes me wish I'd get married to a man that didn't do that. But it's just such a random thing to be annoyed by, like what difference does it make to me?

Anyway, there are a few more dumb nitpicks like that and I don't know WHY. I want to stop it, because I love him and we are so compatible in everything, it's insane. But there are these little details that irritate me and make me question if this is a sign that I don't love him as much as I think. It's driving me insane. Shouldn't I just love him even more for these little quirks? What's wrong with me?

I don't know man, I'm just slightly tipsy right now and he is asleep after we hung out with our friends, and some of his interactions with them had me thinking about this, as the silly way he behaved kind of turned me off. Ah. I can't imagine my life without him, but... what if I'm being unfair to him and he deserves a woman that loves every bit of him? Someone who isn't judging or wishing he was different?

All I ask is please, if you reply, just be gentle. Do tell me to leave him if needed and if you think it'd be the right thing to do, I want to know. But just understand that I don't want to feel like this and I hate having these thoughts. I just want to be happy with the man I've always seen as the love of my life.

TL;DR: My fiance has some truly harmless habits that annoy me for no reason, and feeling this way is driving me crazy because he is an incredible partner, I don't want to keep nitpicking his quirks. Why is this happening, and what should I do?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok-Lifeguard749 on 2023-12-31 04:14:53+00:00.

I (25 F) have been with my (27 M) partner for 5 years. We plan on moving in together this upcoming summer.

My parents are both immigrants from different cultures and, despite all of my boyfriend’s efforts, they “have their reservations about him” and “don’t feel any connection with him.” My partner has consistently made an effort to connect with my parents over the years. He is very respectful and helpful when he visits them, always buys them nice gifts for their birthdays and holidays, is affectionate, etc. Yet my parents always find reasons why they don’t like him, and it’s starting to impact my relationship with him.

As an example — my partner has ADHD, and my dad can’t stand that my partner “appears spaced out” during conversation even though this is not the case. He may fidget or bounce his leg, and my dad insists he’s being insulting by spacing out. Now, because I know my dad thinks this way, it causes me a lot of anxiety when my bf and dad talk to each other.

A lot of the things they dislike seem to be cultural differences AND that 1) he comes from a “broken home” and 2) isn’t in a high paying career (and neither am I). They have always pictured me with someone serious who can provide me with everything I desire financially. This may not be the case with my partner, but I am happy with him and enjoy our life together. My parents, being very traditional about marriage, can’t understand that I’d choose to stay with someone who can’t provide for me in the way they expect.

Any suggestions, particularly from those from immigrant families, are appreciated :-)

TLDR: immigrant parents don’t like my bf, particularly due to cultural norms/differences and him being unable to provide in a certain way. Not sure how to navigate this.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/DoICareTooMuch_ on 2023-12-31 03:25:43+00:00.

Throwaway account specifically for this.

TL;DR: A close friend of mine self-sabotages constantly, makes a lot of the same preventable mistakes over and over again, and this time she's really done it. She gave away a puppy that loved her, that she loved and was perfectly capable of taking care of, because she didn't think she was worthy of happiness or its love. She also knew it would upset me and our other mutual friends that she did this because we genuinely care about her and her happiness and she did it anyway and laughed about it over voice chat (nervous response but still really hurt). I am grappling with how this has made me feel and how to deal with it, knowing this is her life, but shit dude I hate seeing her do these things to herself. Sorry for the long post. First two, maybe three, paragraphs are largely background info.

So I've been stewing about this for a few hours now and I am wondering if I am just nuts and I am the problem or if this is something worth bringing up and trying to resolve verbally.

I am 26F diagnosed Autistic/ADHD. Just a bit of background about me - I'm a pretty successful person; I have a Masters degree in a STEM field from a high-ranking program in the US. I happen to be going through a very rough patch with my mental health (burnout from degree) and am unemployed, but I am receiving treatment and intend to enter the workforce in my field sometime this coming year. I've had rough patches with friends before, but once I stopped interacting with the sorts of people who caused my issues in the past, my social life improved. As of right now, however, I don't have much of one outside of online because all my irl friends live relatively far away and I have always also had online friends. My primary group of online friends at the moment is my DnD group for which I am the DM; we talk nearly every day on voice chat and have gotten quite close. The person this post concerns is a member of this group.

I have known this person, let's call her Harley, for about like... 9 months ish? She is a 28F Autistic/ADHD little ball of anxiety and creative energy. When I first met her, she had been living with her parents her whole life, but was otherwise relatively functional and had a paying job. It's just that in this economy nobody can afford to move out anymore. Her life seemed mostly stable and she was just kinda quietly saving up money. She has no irl friends and has had none for many years, only online friends. A few months ago, however, she bought a house! Everyone was happy for her... online. Irl she dealt with constant questioning of her decisions and generally useless or even actively detrimental family members who should have known better but didn't. She had also recently lost her job, and so her otherwise stable life was just upended, and she was having to deal with things and make decisions she'd never had to before. I am no paragon of wisdom myself, but I am highly intelligent and do my best to abide by common sense and think through all the potential pros and cons of actions before I take them. I also have absorbed a lot of information off the internet via osmosis and so I happen to know things or know how to find out about things. This makes me generally decent for my age bracket at giving advice. My parents are also very competent, mostly organized people, so when I do not know what advice to give, I ask them for advice instead, or occasionally they will just adopt my friends and give them advice directly themselves. While Harley handled most of the starting homeowner stuff just fine on her own, there were things she naturally had trouble with for perfectly understandable reasons which my parents, myself, and other friends in our group were able to help with handily.

It is around this time, give or take maybe a month or two, the cracks started to show. I already needed to manage many of her more annoying behaviors which can be disruptive to gameplay and normal conversation as the de facto "leader" of this group of friends, but which were not nearly disruptive enough at all to consider removing her when she is otherwise a good, valued player and important to the party dynamic. These annoying behaviors are related more broadly to severe impulse control issues. She also has habits that can be charitably described as "penny wise, pound foolish," which are related more broadly to a significant lack of ability to think ahead (which is crazy, because she saved up for literally 10 years for a house... but the house itself was also a bit of an impulse purchase so idk). She complains about the negative results of these issues regularly, but ignores most any and all advice from myself and others, advice that is easily actionable and concrete btw, which would largely solve these issues. Most importantly, however, she has a distinct lack of self-esteem which causes her to care about literally everyone else, from a homeless stranger on the street to ungrateful and slovenly relatives, more than herself. She also seems to believe she is generally "unworthy." This causes her to self-sabotage and engage in extreme doormat behavior. I could ignore all else if not for this. And herein lies the issue.

Harley as grown up with animals her whole life. As such, she is lonely in her new house and wants a dog. This is perfectly fine - even knowing her issues, I can say confidently that she can take care of an animal just fine. She put me down as a reference for her adoption applications and I made sure to really play up her positive qualities (of which there are many - I promise I actually like her, though the previous paragraph wouldn't exactly suggest it) to ensure she would be accepted. And she was! She quickly found this perfect little puppy who really was perfect as a puppy could get. Of course, her anxiety kicked in, so she elected to foster rather than adopt to have sort of a "trial period." No problem, actually a good decision on her part imo. Her family was sabotaging her per usual as she frequently complained to me, driving her anxiety up further. In the last few months I have taken to really trying to build up her self-esteem (it was clear no one else in her life was doing so), imparting any wisdom I have gained from my own self-reflection and research, reaffirming that she is worthy of friendship, love, and happiness and not to let anyone else tell her otherwise or take things away from her that would bring her closer to those things, etc etc, and so this time was no different. This time she was questioning her competence and ability to take care of this puppy and give him a good life. This puppy was too good for her, she was telling herself. Someone else could give it a better life than her. I spent two hours just two nights ago drilling into her head that she is a *perfectly good* owner for this puppy, this puppy clearly loves her and is happy at her house, she has nothing to worry about, she should be putting herself first in her mind (I mean obviously the well-being of the puppy matters but that was established to be a guarantee in her care regardless), her happiness matters too, etc. I went to bed believing that, maybe, she had gotten the message.

Two days later, this morning, she messages our group chat with, "Want to hear about this thing I just did that will make you disappointed in me?" It didn't even cross my mind what she had actually done; I thought it was just another poor spending decision or something. But no. She had taken the puppy to an adoption event ("Just to see how he would do!") and met a family who was interested in him. She gave the puppy away to them. "He did so good with them," she said. "He would be happier with them," she said. OF COURSE THE DOG DID WELL WITH THEM. HE DOES WELL WITH EVERYBODY. HE'S PERFECT. SHE MET THEM FOR FIVE MINUTES HOW DOES SHE KNOW THEY ARE BETTER FOR HIM THAN HER?! And lastly... why did she give away to someone else something that makes her happy, when the well-being of the dog was almost certainly not in question? Why why why?

All the advice she ignored, all the preventable mistakes (usually the same ones over and over again) she made, and all the times she self-sabotaged or came dangerously close to making decisions that could have *ruined her life* (no exaggeration), came crashing down on my mind. And all she did was sit there *and laugh* at my obvious distress that she had just *knowingly* done something to screw herself over, *knowing it would upset me and her other friends who had been there for her through all of this as well*. I know the laughing was just a nervous response, but it hurt all the same. I told her it wasn't fucking funny. She still laughed. She is not like me. I set my bar for happiness too high and it will torture me for the rest of my life; that is part of the reason for my current patch of mental health issues. But her bar for happiness is so much lower, so much more attainable. And yet she does these things that keep her just below that bar. What's next? She passes up a promotion at her next job or something because "someone else deserves it more?"

I want only happiness for my friends. My friends deserve so much and more for existing and being my friends. I don't just give them unsolicited advice from behind a screen (my advice is usually solicited, anyway). I have gone out of my way before to do nice things for them that are tangible and even dire...

Content cut off. Read original on https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/18uy402/26f_having_trouble_internally_resolving_onesided/

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway9473610 on 2023-12-31 03:15:16+00:00.

My gf and I have been together for 1.5 years, we’re both 24 and live in separate countries during that time we’ve been on 4 trips together. We’re both super busy with our studies so it’s hard to see each other, but we always try to plan trips and make it work.

Over the last couple months she’s been spiraling into a deep depression. She’s been depressed before but it comes and goes and I think now it’s coming again. She’s alone in a different country for university and she’s very lonely. I try my best to support her and be there for her but sometimes the distance is just too much. Over the last few months things have been getting really distant, we haven’t been talking as much. She hasn’t had the energy to give me effort because she’s feeling apathy and she’s in a very bad state of mind all the time. We’ve talked about it before and she assured me that she loves me and wants to be with me but her mental health is getting in the way. She said there’s nothing wrong with “us”, there’s just something wrong with her individually. But she said she’s committed to me and committed to making it work and that she’ll never give up on me.

A couple days ago we called again and she was balling her eyes out. Her head was all over the place. The way she describes her depression is that she’s falling back into a deep dark hole that she can’t get out of. She loses care for everything especially herself, she starts to self depricate and believe she’s unworthy of love. She feels like she’s useless or worthless. The only time she feels useful is when she’s working on her studies. A whole lot of other symptoms but it’s very clear that it’s depression.

So when we talked, she was very worried about us. She added that the distance was really hard and she doesn’t want to give up but the distance is making it worse. We’ve planned our future together before, but now she doubts things. I do feel like a lot of this is the depression talking. She said I don’t want you to move here and leave your life behind just to eventually regret being with me. The same thing happened with her parents so she’s worried it will happen with me. I reassured her that I wanted to be with her and I wanted to come. I asked her if breaking up would make her happier, and that I wouldn’t mind if that’s what she felt would make things better. She told me no, she doesn’t want to break up but her mind is in a very bad place and she can’t give me what I deserve now. She said I deserve someone who gives me everything. She said she loves me from the bottom of her heart, that’s the only thing she’s sure of in her mixed up mind right now, and she doesn’t want to give up on us. I’ve always done my best to reassure her and support her but it seems like she going through something that requires therapy.

I told her that I always knew we would reach a point in our relationship that would either make it or break it, and it’s our decision to choose whether we give up on it or get through it together and become stronger. She sat there thinking for a minute and said you’re right, I want to make it and make things better, but I have to focus on my mental health first. I said okay, we’re not gonna break up, but do you want to take a break for a couple of weeks to get your mind together and seek therapy. I’m the one who offered it, bc she was in a very bad state of mind and super confused and doesn’t know what do to. She said yes to the break, but said she doesn’t want to stop talking and couldn’t handle not talking to me. So I said okay, how about I won’t reach out to you at all, and whenever you want to reach out I’ll be here. That way, if I text her while she’s in a bad state of mind, she doesn’t have to pretend to be okay. Instead she can just reach out to me if she wants. We both agreed to that.

I set some ground rules like we can’t talk to other people during this time, and I expect her to be the one to end the break or reach out about continuing our relationship. She agreed. She said the last thing on her mind is other people and she only loves me. We talked about seeking therapy and that’s gonna be her first priority now. So she’s gonna get the help she needs.

In all of this I’m kind of sad, it’s been 3 days and we haven’t talked at all. I miss her a lot. I’m hoping she’s missing me too and that this break doesn’t pull us apart. I know that it’s what’s best for her and I just want her to be happy even if it’s without me. It would suck if depression had to ruin something amazing. I know it’s hard to be with someone depressed and I don’t have to, but I truly love her and want to spend my life with her so I’m willing to help her through it. When the break ends and if everything goes well, I plan on going to see her next month. Even if she’s still depressed, we don’t have to go out or plan trips or anything. I just want to be present and be there for her. We can lay in bed all day I don’t care.

I guess I just want to ask if I’m doing the right thing, if there’s anything I should do to make things better. I know she needs space right now and I’m going to give her that. I’m just worried that this break will make us grow further apart or she’ll realize she doesn’t want me anymore. But either way I know I’ll be okay.

TL;DR - I (24m) offered my gf (24f) a break to work on her mental health. She’s spiraling into depression.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/bugsprout56 on 2023-12-31 05:48:37+00:00.

TLDR: My best friend and I have come to have a very close platonic relationship. He has helped me out tremendously and supported me through a bad breakup. We went on a camping trip and ended up sleeping together

Okay to preface this, I (f23) and my best friend (m25) have known each other for about 3 years through mutual friends and events. I’m not sure at what point we started hanging out more but at least over a year ago. However about 6 months ago, he watched me go through a nasty breakup from a bad guy and we started hanging out a lot more frequently and getting a lot closer. To the point where we’re texting and facetiming every day, I’m staying at his apartment through the whole weekend and he’ll take me to work on Monday, he’ll cover my tab (and I cover his too), we are hiking and backpacking together, concerts together, and even a drunken hook up or two. All around fun. We even share other people we’re interested in with each other.

Until…. Well, we had a mini falling out about some personal matters between us and didn’t speak for about 3 weeks, the longest we’ve gone in months. With this happening around the holiday time, it made me sad and I missed my friend, so I sent him on Christmas wishing him a happy holiday and I hoped he had a good day. No response, until the next day he texts me and we start talking again. Not about anything in particular, just sorta checking in, then he asks me if I still wanted to go on the mini roadtrip we had previously planned, I, of course, agree and I am so excited. We plan it out as a 2 day trip, one state away to camp and visit a hot spring. Time comes and I’m anxiously waiting for him to pick me up, I get the text he’s outside. I grab my things and meet him at the car, he jumps out welcomes me like normal, helps me load my things, and then I say hey and give him a hug, and he hugs me back tight. We continue packing up and as we’re about to leave, he calls me over and as I walk over to him, he grabs me and pulls me into the tightest hug I’ve ever had, pulling my feet off the ground. We tell each other we’re sorry and forgive each other for how we acted. Happily, we get on the road.

While on the road everything is just like nothing happened and we’re back, we end up driving the full 6 hours to where we’re camping at the hot springs. We pull in set up camp and head to bed. Here’s where things take a turn, we have cuddled previously on camping trips for warmth or just for the sake of sharing a small sleeping space (which has always been platonic), however the morning after we pulled in was different. We wake up cuddling, both laying there waking up at one point we turn to look at each other, and without saying anything all of a sudden we are in the most passionate make out session. It gets a little hot and heavy and before it goes too far we stop, we get up, get ready and head to the hot springs. We spend some time at the hot springs, he gives me a foot rub and we’re sitting closer than we’d normally would. After the springs, we head back to camp to set up more and eat lunch, whatever not the good part. Sometime after lunch, we end up in a situation again looking at each other and again, we start making out except this time we end up in our bed set up in his truck bed. Completely sober. You can guess what happens next but it was great. Our trip continues on this way, he was sweet and littered me with compliments, touchy, but on our last morning his mood shifted to back to how he was when we were just friends.

Our trip ends, we pack up and head home. Drive home goes the same as the drive out, listening to music, telling stories, and cracking jokes. As we get close to my house, he asks if I need help with my things, to which I say no because I only had 2 bags. We eventually get to my house and as I go to get my things, he also gets out and starts helping me. I thank him again for the amazing weekend and that I’d see him soon, as we already planned another trip in a few days. As we are saying our goodbyes, he leans in and kisses me. I head inside and he drives off and know I’m thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENENING????

We have never had nothing more than a drunken hookup that happened about 2 years ago and more recently one that we both don’t remember much of. There has never been any indications of anything out of the norm of how he treated me as a close friend. We have spent a lot of time together these past couple months and in my mind we we’re always just friends. I do not want to be in a relationship, as I just got out of one. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship because he is so close to me. But what if he's not my "type"? I don’t mind if it’s just a fwb situation, I just don’t want either of us to get hurt.

What should I do?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/idkbrokms on 2023-12-31 03:19:14+00:00.

i was over at my best friend of 5 year’s dorm a few hours ago and we hung out all day. but earlier while we were on our phones, we were both sitting down next to each other on his bedroom floor, and i wanted to just annoy him as always. i jokingly swung my legs over his legs, if that makes sense, and he kinda laughed about it but didn't tell me to move away so i just kept my legs over his.

after a while tho, he moved closer to me, and i adjusted my position so i could still have my legs over his, and then he just fully pulled me into his lap?? i was like "ayoo bro? im heavy yk" and he went "nah ur fine" and didn't really make it seem like it was a big deal which just confused me even more.

so here i was sitting sideways on his lap, and he wrapped his arms around me and leaned his head close to my chest so he could go back on his phone. i didnt know what to do or say, so i also just went back on my phone but i genuinely could feel my heart beating hella fast and i swear my stomach was doing flips, idk if that means something.

it was comfortable and felt nice but is it normal to do this? im not gay and im pretty sure he's not gay, but is it normal for friends to be sitting on eachother's laps? because honestly, i feel like that's reserved for couples and idk anymore especially because we're both guys.

when i was trying to get up because i was gonna go home, he wrapped his arms around me tighter and didn't want me to get up. i didn't really wanna get up either but does that mean something? or am i just overthinking?

(im not really familiar with reddit or anything, but i could really use advice rn 😭 im 19 years old and he’s also 19)

TLDR: i sat on my best friend’s lap, is that normal?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/nuggetnya on 2023-12-30 09:41:37+00:00.

My girlfriend and I are on a long-distance relationship (but we do meet each other from time-to-time) I play PC games a lot and she doesn't so we don't really meet each other in that part of the relationship.

I play lots of games so naturally I play with a lot of people as well, my girlfriend always gets an attitude whenever I play with girls, and when she sees my messages asking random girls to play (even though I ask random guys to play games as well?)

I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't imposing double-standards. She always goes on Discord to "call-hop" and always group calls with her "gay guy friends" (which are truly gay and I have no problem with). I find that it's unfair that she always fusses about me having girl friends when she has like 10+ gay guy friends who she always talks to? We got into a big argument about this and we're not talking about it atm.

Any insights and tips would be appreciated.

Tl;DR: My girlfriend always throws a tantrum about how I have girl friends I play games with online but she always has "gay guy friends" that she calls and plays with too. How can I explain it to her that it wouldn't be fair if I cut off my girl friends and she keeps talking to her "gay guy friends"?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwra568939030 on 2023-12-31 04:15:46+00:00.

So I had a friend with benefits that I had seen last year a couple of times, but we stopped seeing each other last year around Halloween. He is a player, so he sleeps with many women. The last time I slept with him, I was giving him a BJ buy this bar cart, and his legs became really uncontrollably shaky, and he almost fell to his knees. He said that I made him “girl c*m.”

Recently, I saw him again after a year of not seeing him. He asked me if I was the girl who made him “girl c*m.” And I replied yes, and he said he couldn’t remember if it was me or another girl. It made me insecure and think, am I really that forgettable in bed? Is he lying to me to make me feel bad because that time he almost fell over his knees?

Tl;dr: a guy told me I made him fall to his knees shaking, but then he says he doesn’t remember it. Is he lying to me, or am I just that forgettable?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwawayannoyedt on 2023-12-31 03:52:50+00:00.

My 25M bf and I 25F have been together since 2020. The first year was great, we went out we had some fun. From then on we were just working everyday and we were not saving up. We went from starting failed business to failed business and earlier this year I grew tired of how miserable our life was and said I was doing something else. So I did and I made really good money these past two months. My boyfriend always keeps asking me how much I have made, how much I have saved up, it stresses me out and I told him that.(we don’t live together and I’ve been the one helping him out and sending him money because he decided to continue doing the same thing) he would say “it’s because I’m worried for you” today was my last day before taking some time off and I went and bought a few nice things for myself (finally) I was happy and talking to him about it then he asks me how much I have saved up, I tell him and he sighs and goes “wow that’s so disappointing what a waste” it made my blood boil. Not just because it’s my own hard earned money but the fact that I’m calling him all excited about buying a few things and immediately he makes me feel really guilty about it is so frustrating. When I confronted him about it he got upset then said again that it was that he was concerned for me!!! Now he’s the one who’s upset!!! Now I’m debating returning the 3 things I bought for myself but I know that once we meet (for the first time in two months tomorrow) it will be spent on both of us anyway!!!! Is this normal??? Why is he so invested in how much I make and how much I have saved up? Does anyone do this? Why do you do this? I already brought up the fact that it kills the mood and keeps us in a constant cycle of chasing money and never being content or allowing ourselves to actually enjoy anything.

TLDR: bf always judging me for how much I have saved up

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/tpxzny on 2023-12-31 03:50:45+00:00.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months now; her past relationship was a year ago (lasted 2 years, LDR, never met, was on and off relationship). She was cheated on on multiple occasions. Our relationship has been amazing so far. Over the course of the relationship,

1. Right before we started dating, she was liking sad posts on Instagram such as "I want to check up on you but It isn't my place anymore" (relating to her ex) and she has liked a few posts while we were dating such as "I stay up all night thinking about what we used to have" I told her to stop and she did. She tells me she is fully over them but could not justify as to why she was liking those posts.

2. Just a few days ago, there is a feature on iPhone where you can go on and off Do not Disturb mode and other statues on your iPhone. She still had a status made for her ex (the one year ago) with his initial and heart next to it. I brought it up, and she did delete them immediately. She saw them everyday but told me she was never bothered to delete it. I never knew throughout the relationship.

3. She never really talks about her ex with me because I've communicated that I do not like it, but when she was with her friends, she was texting them how they used to do certain things together and would do anything for him.

To keep it brief, my GF did bullet point 3 when we were technically broken up. We had a small argument (which is now completely resolved and worked our boundaries) that led to us stop talking for a few days and eventually got back together after working on ourselves.

With these bullet points, I am not sure if it is worth staying in the relationship. The relationship has been phenomenal besides and am willing to work out with her if it is needed. But, I am just unsure if these are major red flag for me to stay.

TL;DR Is it worth staying with my girlfriend?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/RealAd1811 on 2023-12-31 03:42:11+00:00.

We first met through online dating coming up on two years ago this spring. We have been taking it slow. I have met his dad, brother, and aunt the most, and I recently met his local sister this fall and have seen her several times. I love his family, still working on being accepted and getting to know them more I think.

I met his sister and her husband who lives a 12.5 hour drive away without stopping (we’re Midwest US, they’re east coast) last fall when I flew out with his family to his sister’s house for a family gathering. She is great.

She is pregnant and having a baby shower a week from now. I found out about it almost two weeks ago. When I saw his local sister and aunt at Christmas, his sister excitedly offered a ride with them (sister, aunt, and two nieces) to the shower. They are leaving Friday night, probably arriving Saturday, and coming back on Monday, a 12 hour drive. I would need to take off of work Monday at least.

My immediate reaction was that I didn’t want to go because I have been wiped out exhausted from the holidays. I got the 2019 virus on Thanksgiving and was really sick for my birthday for a week, then slowly came back to normal, then had like 10 parties to go to in December most of them last week, on top of shopping and family stress etc. I’ve been looking forward to having some down time as I am extremely introverted and shy and socially awkward. But his sisters and aunt and nieces are really lovely and now I question if I should just go! I don’t want to offend his family. I kind of thought maybe they just invited me to be nice but didn’t really expect me to go, but I could be wrong because I always think that… But I also have been so frazzled and feeling lost for time. Projects and to dos getting pushed aside. I don’t want my boyfriend to have to feel like he needs to explain my behavior. He might be really happy if I go and bond with his family! I don’t know.

His family is very close and tight knit and I don’t want to ruin anything. I did see his aunt yesterday and gave her the gift to give to his sister. His family has been very generous to me, taking me to concerts, being very kind at events, paying for my flight ticket last time (I got the rental car), a meal.

The reason isn’t that I don’t like his family, it’s just that I’m very socially anxious and awkward and introverted, and feel like I’d be a zombie because I just can’t socialize that long. That many hours in a car, all the traveling, the socializing with people who I want to make the best of impressions with my social anxiety, sounds like it would wipe me out energetically for a month. I couldn’t socialize with anyone that long without feeling drained, and I’m already depleted from the holiday season.

Also, work has been very demanding lately, we’ve lost three people in our already understaffed department of 12, and I’m end of year rush has been insane, I started training in a new unit to help out, doing double my already impossible workload, so taking a day off work would not be good for my workload for the next week as the work doesn’t really all get distributed, and I’m not allowed to take off if someone else already did that day, not sure if that Monday is already taken.

Also, I would 100% go no questions asked if it was local and not halfway across the country. But they did offer me a ride!

TLDR: I haven’t RSVP’ed yet because I’ve been so indecisive. I feel really guilty. There is an option to participate in gift opening virtually. What would you do?

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwRAdoomedro on 2023-12-31 03:23:26+00:00.

Last night my boyfriend and I went back to his apartment to get some of his things and found his roommate asleep in my boyfriends bed wearing his clothes and we ended up getting into a massive argument about it and he kicked me out.

I felt bad for yelling at him yesterday and assuming he was cheating so I went back today to talk and yep, I was right. They weren’t even hiding it, his roommate was just sitting at their island still wearing his shirt and obviously flaunting his hickeys and my boyfriend tried to say that he was sorry but he literally could not stop smiling. I got upset at him and asked him why he couldn’t even pretend to be sorry for cheating on me and he said we broke up last night, which was news to me.

I feel so stupid and blindsided, and I don’t get how he could want someone like his roommate who doesn’t care if he’s in a relationship or not. I’m trying to get all his things together to give back to him but I just feel like a mess. I don’t want to break up, I was really happy with him. What do I do about this? What do I tell my friends? I feel so stupid, because I knew his roommate was jealous and I couldn’t keep them apart.

I want my boyfriend back, but I don’t even know how to go about this, I think if we talked I could probably convince him, I was the first person he actually felt like dating his whole four years at university, but how would I even keep him away from his roommate? What do I even do? I don’t even care that he cheated, I knew his roommate had feelings for him and this was clearly all orchestrated

tldr; boyfriend cheated, i feel like shit. i just want him back and don’t get why any of this happened

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/RaspberryCandid6357 on 2023-12-31 02:55:21+00:00.

Hi. I'm a longtime Reddit lurker. I made a throwaway for posting this, as I feel it is quite embarrassing. I apologize for the length ahead of time, and I'll try to be succinct. I honestly feel crazy and like my mind is going in circles. I think my marriage may be abusive. I also feel like maybe I'm just going crazy. I've tried to be logical with this narrative, but summarizing years of scenarios is difficult.

Some background information: My bio father was abusive to my mother. Thankfully, they divorced when I was in preschool, but I have many memories of it. I was bullied a lot in school, moved schools frequently, and had pretty low self esteem. I was also raised in the Purity Culture of Evangelical Christianity. H also was raised in an abusive home with an alcoholic father and mother who has several mental health issues.

I (34F) and starting to feel like something is not quite right in the relationship with my husband (38M), but putting my finger on exactly what is wrong is difficult. We have been together for 15 years and married for 12. He was my first real relationship, and we started dating soon after I graduated high school. He was the first person I had sex with. I felt very guilty about this. I think I saw some red flags from the start, but I was young, dumb, and in love. He proposed to me just a few months after we started dating. I had tried to cut off sexual activity because of how guilty I was feeling. He said he respected my desire to wait but never helped me in that area. He would talk about how the other girls he had dated in the past were crazy but not me. He wanted to get married ASAP so that we could continue the sexual relationship, but I wanted to finish college first. I don't remember a lot of details about what all happened at this point, but he threw a big fit because I wouldn't marry him while I was still in college (like, 1st or 2nd year of college) and we ended up breaking up.

While we were broken up, I talked to several other guys but never went on any dates because I felt guilty and dirty. I kept running in to my now H everywhere in our town and at church. We eventually got back together in my 3rd year of college. He proposed again with a different ring and said we could wait until I finished school to get married.

The entire engagement I didn't want to get married because I felt like it was going to be a mistake, but I also felt like I had no choice because I was used up and dirty from having had sex before marriage. No one else would have wanted me, and it would have been better to have a bad marriage than no marriage, right? We fought the entire honeymoon and ended up coming home early.

From the beginning of our marriage, I could never do anything right. He started giving me the silent treatment (or something very similar). He may not be completely silent, but he will answer me with only one word answers. I can tell him something like, "I am really worried about *insert situation here." and all I get in response is "Yeah" or "Hmmm" He would say, "Well, if you would just be sure to be at the house whenever I get home from work I won't be in such a bad mood and then I can be more talkative." So I did that, but nothing really changed. Then the excuse went to, "If you would just clean better, then I can be more talkative." Once again, no change. Finally, and where we still are today, is "If you would have more sex with me, I could talk to you and be nicer to you."

I feel like I have to buy human kindness from my husband with sex and it is degrading. This has been a constant issue throughout the entire marriage. I used to have a fairly high sex drive, but now it is completely gone. The thought of having sex makes me want to cry. I just feel used. I tried talking to him about this but it made him angry that I felt used. He basically said it was ridiculous for me to feel used from having sex with my own husband.

There is no affection or physical touch that doesn't turn into sexual contact. He never compliments me because one time when I was 18 or 19 I told him he was crazy when he said I was beautiful. He said he won't be called crazy again, so he can't compliment me anymore. He won't plan dates with me. I have to plan everything. He won't go to concerts or anything with me because he doesn't like them, and one time in 2009 I declined going to a car show with him because I didn't want to see all the attractive bikini models and feel inadequate about myself.

He does things to me sexually that I'm not comfortable with. If I say no, he will stop, but then sneakily tries to do it again later. He has become obsessed with anal stuff. I told him I wasn't interested. He keeps trying to put his fingers in my butt during sex when I tell him not to. He ordered a bunch of butt plugs from a sex toy website thinking that I would be excited to try them. I have horrible IBS and got really messed up down there from having 3 babies. I'm not interested, and he is mad that I said no. He encourages me to get drunk so that I am "more fun." Last time this happened, he had anal sex with me even though I had said I did not want to do that. I agreed while drunk. I am mad at myself for that and feel gross. He also videoed it and I can't find the file. He has a ton of pictures and videos of me, most of which were taken without my consent.

He will walk passed me and slap my butt or grope my breasts. I ask him to stop but he continues. One day, he groped my breasts painfully three times in one day after I told him multiple times to stop. He just kept laughing and saying he couldn't help it. He gets upset saying, "Can't a man look at and touch his wife?! Making me feel like a bad man just for being attracted to my wife." I was trying to explain to him how I want to feel like he loves me and that's why he wants to have sex with me and not just because he thinks I'm hot and available.

We went on an anniversary trip recently. I was so excited to get away and reconnect. For weeks leading up to it I was asking for his input of things to do, places to eat, etc. He had absolutely ZERO suggestions. "I don't care," was the best he had to offer. Anyway, I ended up with food poisoning and diarrhea on our trip. I wouldn't have sex with him while I was having uncontrollable diarrhea and stomach cramps. He was literally pouting and stomping, huffing and puffing, saying "UGHHH!!! This is the worst trip ever! It isn't fair!" It really hurt my feelings.

I'll also put this out here, because it isn't fair not to. We separated for about 6 months in early 2016 due to these same issues. While we were separated, I reconnected with an old friend from high school on Facebook and ended up sending him some suggestive photos. No nudity, but suggestive posing. Think like legs in the bathtub with water and then another of torso with arms over breasts. I did it because he (my friend) and complimented me on my weight loss, and I really wanted to feel wanted by someone. I felt guilty and told my husband about it. He said he understood why I did it and said that he forgave me. Obviously, we ended up getting back together, going through marriage counseling, and whatnot. We did not bring up the photos because the counselor was the wife of a physician I worked directly with (because of our insurance we were limited to one particular counselor we had to see and I know people in this small town talk despite HIPAA). He calls me a w***e for it even to this day, even though he forgives me.

He is a good provider. He doesn't cheat on me. He's a better person than me. He helps with the kids. Why do I feel so terrible? Why do I feel like I'm going crazy? I have such bad anxiety and depression now. I used to not be like this. I am grinding my teeth so horribly that I had to get botox to stop it because I was chewing through multiple night guards. I am tired of feeling ignored. I feel like this is my punishment for my mistakes that I've made.

I don't know what to do or maybe if this is all my fault to begin with...so I need the opinion of strangers on Reddit. He is a completely different person when he's outside the walls of our home. No one would believe me if I told them these things. There are other things but I'm overwhelmed and upset right now and can't think straight.

Thanks if you made it this far.

TL;DR - My marriage is difficult because I have to earn having conversation with my husband by having sex with him. Is my husband being emotionally abusive or is this a situation where I've made my bed and now I need to lay in it?