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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/UnpopularBoop on 2023-12-31 02:45:26+00:00.
Hi there, I'm mostly ranting I think but I'm not sure if I can better myself and need some outside perspective.
Recently engaged to my (30f) fiancé (33m), we've lived together about 2 years and it's been mostly good. Some bumps in the beginning because our living styles are different (I prefer a much neater home than he does), but we've talked recently about how we feel we've reached a middle ground with that issue.
I'll start by saying that we're both pretty sure he has undiagnosed ADD. In the years we've been together, I've noticed that he is very quick to jump to his own defense and explodes when he feels I've been "nagging him," to the point where it turns into a screaming match and I'm always the first to apologize.
Today, he had a lot of energy for the first time in a couple weeks since we've been sick, and decided to get a lot done around the house that has been needing to get done. I told him I appreciate it all because it was a lot of exhausting things that he chose to do in one day, and pointed out that he looked stressed and probably needed a break soon. So he took one.
I said throughout the eight hours that I've been home: "ah I wish you'd finished the almost done paper towel roll before starting a new one since we're almost out," "there are a lot of things around that we need to clean up," and the only thing I actually made a bigger deal about was a can of chemical without a lid in the hallway (we have 2 dogs -- mine before I moved in, that are chaotic.)
He just freaked out and told me all I do is criticize him and point out how much he's f***ing up everything. I was like "no, I've literally said multiple times today how much you're doing and how much I appreciate it." So he's starts yelling at me about how none of the stuff I mentioned is a big deal and asking me why I even say things like that to him.
It turns into a screaming match of me saying the only thing I actually cared about was the chemicals on the floor in the hallway because of my dogs. He goes on to dismiss me multiple times, "I don't want to have to worry about the dogs every time I do something because they're stupid," "it's not a f***ing bomb that's going to go off, nothing would happen anyway." And I try to point out that I'm trying to protect my dogs from any potential hazard because they have a history of finding things to get into.
At no point when I was saying any of the negative things was I blaming him or trying to say he's stupid or messing everything up. I don't know how it comes across, he's saying it's how I say it. So now he's done taking his break and he's aggressively stomping around the house cleaning up all the items left out. Even with the chemical in the hallway, all I had said was "there's this here, I'm going to pick it up and put it back on the shelf because of the dogs, it really shouldn't be there."
Am I overly critical? I don't want to be like that towards my partner, but I truly am not trying to target him -- most of the time I'm thinking out loud. I'm starting to feel like I need to filter myself every time I talk.
Of note, I usually do all the house maintenance things, and have been asking him to do one particular task he did today for about 5 months, have pointed it out probably 1-2 times per month since and just expressed my desire for it to get done so I could use the broken object again.
I don't know what to think. If it's me I want to know. If it's both of us that would make the most sense because it takes two people to communicate.
Please help.
Tldr; I feel like I need to monitor what I say to my partner because he immediately become aggressively defensive, will never apologize for things he says or does, and tells me I'm overly critical.