Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/lucia__dont on 2023-12-30 09:41:24+00:00.

TL;DR: Not sure how to split mortgage/household financials with boyfriend moving in.

It gets tricky since I (F22) own my own condo in the city (so I pay a mortgage) and support only myself and he owns his own house/has his own mortgage to pay and shares his place with his parents in the suburbs (M24). We’ve been together for 1 year, he’s been slowly moving in over that course.

I barely stay at his place since it’s difficult for me since I have no friends in the area, way of transport, treadmill, etc. Ofc that’s not his fault, I’ve just observed and told him he has better flexibility being at mine (access to every store/place u can imagine, transit/he has a car, has friends in the city, and now has everything moved in). The cons of being at mine is not being with his parents and dog and paying for a parking space ($300/mo).

At my place he has his own closet and workspace (pretty much moved in) and stays with me about 3 days a week but he is making an effort to stay more often since I want to see him more often/would hope he would want to too. He currently doesn’t split; utilities, any mortgage/rent, shared household items (toilet paper, face wash, etc) and gets groceries about once a month. He sometimes does dishes. He does bring our laundry home often so we can avoid paying for it at my place (I live in a city, he lives in the suburbs). We split dates, only recently has he picked up a few bills bc I brought it up (needing him to want to treat me as a girl).

I think the expenses I have been taking on for the past year is clear to me - we need to split groceries, all shared household expenses, utilities, and household chores. However I feel that the open topic is that of “rent”. Not sure if he should pay anything (ofc he would not gain any equity).

He means a lot to me, marriage material but I’ve also dated men who have provided a lot more for me so I need to make sure I let the right man move in/am dating a serious guy. What do you guys think/suggest? I’ve never moved in with someone, so I honestly have no idea besides the clear expenses that have went up for me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok-Engineering8117 on 2023-12-30 19:23:48+00:00.

my boyfriend (24m) and I (23f) have been together for around 3 years. when we first started dating we were having sex a few times a week, and we’re now at the point we have sex once or twice a month. for both of us, sex isn’t a very important part of our relationship which is something we both value as people who don’t have very high sex drives.

the main issues are that when we do have sex it is only penetration and he might finger me and that’s it. because we don’t have sex that often he finishes pretty quick. the other is that I would want to have sex maybe once or twice a week, but I don’t want to initiate it everytime which is how it is now. it doesn’t turn me on to iniate it everytime, and honestly because the sex isn’t even that good I don’t even really want to do it. he says he likes having sex and he does get hard if we’re cuddling or in the shower but he never takes the next step and i’m tired of having to make the first move.

it’s such a hard conversation to have as a girl because I don’t want to emasculate him but he just doesn’t seem to care. how do I fix this? I love every other part of our relationship but I don’t know if I can live my life like this.

tldr: boyfriend and I have sex once or twice a month. he doesn’t care about satisfying me. i’m tired of initiating but don’t want to hurt his feelings with a hard convo

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Justsomeone-new on 2023-12-30 09:12:09+00:00.

I (M22) am scared for my Girlfriend(f21) whom I’ve been dating for 3 years now.she is moving to a different state for college, and I’m terrified for her well being. I know (my college at least) has a roofie-ing problem, and I’m terrified she will be one of those. Just scared something is going to happen and I can’t help at all, and the anxiety is pretty heavily effecting me. I know she can’t handle alcohol at all, and I’m scared she’ll be peer pressured into it, or something like that. It feels irrational, and I worry I may look/am untrusting of her capabilities, so I haven’t brought it up.

Tldr: I am anxious for my partners safety, how do I bring this up without making it seem they are incompetent

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok-Kaleidoscope9771 on 2023-12-30 08:33:29+00:00.

Some out of the way info - my mother requires caretaking. She lives with me. My father used to do this put he passed away earlier this year and we have no family/friends close by. Everyone keeps telling me that the aide that comes every weekend is supposed to help me, but she doesn’t. In fact, having her is very stressful to me. Her primary purpose is so that my partner and I can go out and do things on weekends. My mother and I both are aware of this. Two weeks ago, I planned a weekend of holiday events for my partner and I. He got sick but none of those events were refundable….so I lost around a thousand dollars on unused tickets and the cost of the aid. He is aware of how stressful that is for me and how my mother and I both feel the aid is “for him” (really for us, so we can have time together).

My partner and I have been together two and a half years. He lives at home. Today was his father’s birthday and he ran around with his mother preparing but due to personal events his sister couldn’t come over last minute so the birthday was “low key.” His sister, however, can come over tomorrow…..but there are no clear plans or timelines or semblance of what is happening. My partner feels that there isn’t anything he can do about cancelling plans with me to go out tomorrow (while the paid aid watches my mother) and that he has to celebrate his fathers birthday with his sister and Mom so it’s “properly celebrated.”

I feel like that is insane. Unlike the prior weeks when he was ill, he has control over cancelling our plans tomorrow - especially since nothing is “planned” yet beyond his sisters availability. I feel exceptionally frustrated I’m paying for the aid….again….when we can’t go out (she needs 72 hours for a cancellation, which is totally reasonable). I keep trying to stress to him that plans with me are just as serious as plans for his family and he did his due diligence to celebrate his Dad’s birthday; his Dad doesn’t get two birthday’s because his sister and her husband couldn’t come today. She had plans and couldn’t come today, he has plans and can’t come tomorrow - to me that’s simple.

He feels I’m asking him to sacrifice properly celebrating his father and that this is out of his hands. Is it weird to be really quite hurt and upset by this? Not sure how handle in terms of next steps. Potentially of note - his family doesn’t like me and there are issues there so I’m not invited to these events or birthdays, in one part bc of the conflict and another part because of having to take care of my mother if it isn’t Saturday (when the aid is here).

ETA: I work from home and haven’t any nearby friends so these Saturdays are really the only time out I get. When my partner and I aren’t going out, it means I have to just kill time alone pretending there is something of interest to do outside. There is only so long mani/pedis and movies take

tl;dr my partner wants to cancel plans….again…this time to celebrate his dads birthday for a second day in a row.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/CrewFluid on 2023-12-30 19:48:36+00:00.

Just coming here for advice really, and to know if anyone else would feel the same way, or if I'm being ungrateful?

I live with my (F26) boyfriend (M30) in a town, where ALL of his family live too. We see them probably once every 2 weeks. (I know they'd like to see us even more than that!) I've only been with my boyfriend for little over a year and we've already been on a family holiday, been to many of his relatives weddings, been invited on another family holiday (which we said no to, but they continued to ask us for months on end..), frequent family drinks, dinners etc.

I hate to sound ungrateful, but I can't help but feel a little stifled by it all. I often come away from these gatherings feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm not really sure what to do.

tl;dr - I feel overwhelmed by the amount we see my boyfriends family, and how close they all are. Wondering how to set boundaries.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Mikhail_Faustin08 on 2023-12-30 19:18:09+00:00.

She’s seeing another guy but I still like her.

I had feelings for a coworker girl (26) and she recently just found a partner.

The thing is she’s kind of had me at arms length for the past year where we’ve kind of done semi-date things but ultimately she flaked out and ended up dating someone else.

Recently we had the office Christmas party (nothing insane just drinks and a nice dinner) and my friend noticed she was looking across the room at me all night. I though it was just me being paranoid but she kept glancing over. It just feels like so much was left unsaid between us and maybe it was just a case of the right person at the wrong time. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Tl:DR Before we went for the dinner we were sat in a big group and as soon as she arrived she squeezed next to me but didn’t say anything initially. She kept scooting closer too but again didn’t say anything.

How do you cope with seeing and experiencing this?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/CrewFluid on 2023-12-30 19:48:36+00:00.

Just coming here for advice really, and to know if anyone else would feel the same way, or if I'm being ungrateful?

I live with my (F26) boyfriend (M30) in a town, where ALL of his family live too. We see them probably once every 2 weeks. (I know they'd like to see us even more than that!) I've only been with my boyfriend for little over a year and we've already been on a family holiday, been to many of his relatives weddings, been invited on another family holiday (which we said no to, but they continued to ask us for months on end..), frequent family drinks, dinners etc.

I hate to sound ungrateful, but I can't help but feel a little stifled by it all. I often come away from these gatherings feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm not really sure what to do.

tl;dr - I feel overwhelmed by the amount we see my boyfriends family, and how close they all are. Wondering how to set boundaries.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway222120 on 2023-12-30 18:54:50+00:00.

Bf of 6 years was discussing how he hates his looks (he is not ugly. He hates his skin color/hair etc). I told him he is handsome, that I wouldn’t be with him if he was ugly. He then says that my opinion doesn’t matter because I do not have any experience and do not know what I want.

For context, he is my first boyfriend experience. He also added that I’ve always gotten so much attention from other man so I wouldn’t understand. I then told him idc . I rather have his attention only than 100 men. But he said he would believe an ugly girl that has experience that me…?

From my Understanding, he basically saying his validation is other women thinking he is handsome and I got angry and told him he sounds like an insecure little man that needs attention from others and not his own woman. Basically my opinion doesn’t matter because I don’t have any prior experience?? Shouldnt my opinion be enough? Should I be concerned..

TLDR: bf thinks my opinion on his look don’t matter because I do not have prior dating experience

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Mikhail_Faustin08 on 2023-12-30 19:18:09+00:00.

She’s seeing another guy but I still like her.

I had feelings for a coworker girl (26) and she recently just found a partner.

The thing is she’s kind of had me at arms length for the past year where we’ve kind of done semi-date things but ultimately she flaked out and ended up dating someone else.

Recently we had the office Christmas party (nothing insane just drinks and a nice dinner) and my friend noticed she was looking across the room at me all night. I though it was just me being paranoid but she kept glancing over. It just feels like so much was left unsaid between us and maybe it was just a case of the right person at the wrong time. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Tl:DR Before we went for the dinner we were sat in a big group and as soon as she arrived she squeezed next to me but didn’t say anything initially. She kept scooting closer too but again didn’t say anything.

How do you cope with seeing and experiencing this?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA2TiredBetches on 2023-12-30 18:54:35+00:00.

Hey y'all.

My [34f] husband [48m] got laid off 7 months ago. He's been searching for work since, mainly by submitting online applications via job boards & LinkedIn, and contacting local staffing agencies, to no avail. His former job was working at a small start-up in a WFH position, and he's been adamant about finding something similar, though is starting to understand the local & in-person options will likely be more realistic in the short term.

He did have a temporary offer working deliveries during the holiday season, but that was rescinded due to a speeding ticket on his record for 26+ MPH over the limit, which he got in August. He paid a lawyer friend $200 to help him get that expunged, only to get another speeding ticket just a few weeks ago.

For this most recent ticket, he didn't tell me that he was cited—he simply paid the $180 ticket using our joint credit card (which I pay in full while he's unemployed) and I found out via the CC statement. It was only then that he told me about the ticket. IDK if he would've told me had I not seen the charge.

Now, he's required to take a driver's safety course so as to not get his license suspended. He got indignant when I asked him to pay for $40 from his own money.

Add to that, my husband is chronically depressed and has a history of severe substance use disorder (8 years sober). He attends weekly SMART meetings but I'm not sure what else he does beyond that. He's also a recent empty-nester and both of his parents (mid 70s) are in failing health. He has few friends to call on for support. I've been his primary emotional support through all of this.

Prior to being laid off, the depression was a bit more well-managed (it still came out as irritability, criticism/judgment, excessive daytime sleepiness, etc) but it's been a rollercoaster for the past several months. When it's bad, part of his depression can come across as having narcissistic traits, since he's prone to a more selfish approach to things, criticism of myself and others, big fluctuations in mood, and emotional blackmail (primarily talking about how much he's suffering and how I contribute to it / implying that I need to do things a certain way or agree with him to soothe his emotions).

He has implied that me focusing on things that bring me happiness is a detriment to his mental health and a potential contributing factor for him to relapse in the future.

When he's in his more depressed states, he will talk often about how everything is going wrong in his life, everything in his life is broken/falling apart, how I am so distant from him and how abandoned/left behind he feels. He talks about how he's putting in so much effort (into the job search, our relationship, etc) and getting no returns.

Rather than feeling drawn in to comfort and care for him, I feel more and more distant and put off by him.

And yet, I feel this huge sense of guilt in even thinking about initiating a separation (both in our living spaces and in our finances). Every time I try to establish some healthy distance for myself, he accuses me of abandoning him and leaving him behind. He says he feels empty without me around. He's told me that he is angry at how much he feels he needs me.

I know he is financially dependent on me, which makes this even harder. I don't want to leave him in a lurch, and I know that if I stay as things are, my own mental and physical health will continue to deteriorate. I don't know how to proceed.

I'm scared he'll fall apart and become even more depressed, relapse, or just fail to launch on his own.

Help.

TL;DR: My husband is long-term unemployed (7 months), severely depressed, and emotionally/financially dependent on me. I want a separation yet feel massive guilt around this. I'm looking for insight/advice/feedback on how to overcome the guilt of initiating a separation from someone who is at a severe low point in their life and claims that I am one of the only good things left.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway222120 on 2023-12-30 18:54:50+00:00.

Bf of 6 years was discussing how he hates his looks (he is not ugly. He hates his skin color/hair etc). I told him he is handsome, that I wouldn’t be with him if he was ugly. He then says that my opinion doesn’t matter because I do not have any experience and do not know what I want.

For context, he is my first boyfriend experience. He also added that I’ve always gotten so much attention from other man so I wouldn’t understand. I then told him idc . I rather have his attention only than 100 men. But he said he would believe an ugly girl that has experience that me…?

From my Understanding, he basically saying his validation is other women thinking he is handsome and I got angry and told him he sounds like an insecure little man that needs attention from others and not his own woman. Basically my opinion doesn’t matter because I don’t have any prior experience?? Shouldnt my opinion be enough? Should I be concerned..

TLDR: bf thinks my opinion on his look don’t matter because I do not have prior dating experience

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LittleDifference1255 on 2023-12-30 18:53:51+00:00.

i (22m) have been dating dave(23m) for just over three years. using a throw away.

anyway, we were arguing last week about some issues when he started getting mean. to beclear, we were both a little high (dabs) n not being nice to each other because of some problems about our living situation. i decided i had enough n started to ignore him, not responding n watching tv instead. he called me out, waved a hand in front of my face, n called me childish. i still didnt respondso he reached out an pinched my leg, hard. i slapped his hand away n said id call the cops if he touched me again. i think he just wanted some kind of response

he never hurt me before. we had arguments, but not much more than a usual relationship. im not afraid of him- i dont expect him to raise a hand to me. i made it clear the next day i would absolutly call the cops if he layed a finger on me again. he had a bruise for a while where i slapped him. he is remorseful n has apologized a lot like giving me my fav flowers and providing acts of service like driving me to work so i dont have to uber eventhough it means he has to get up two hours earlier than normal. he apologized over and over and said it wouldnt happen again.

i guss i wanted to ask- is there any coming back from this? has anyone had this kind of thing happen in a relationship n continue to be healthy and respectful long term? i dont want to throw away the future i dreamed of together- but i wont stay in a relationship where im treated bad. saw enough of that from my mom.

tl;dr SO pinched me in an argument to get a reaction when i was ignoring him. is there any hope or is this the begining of the end?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA2TiredBetches on 2023-12-30 18:54:35+00:00.

Hey y'all.

My [34f] husband [48m] got laid off 7 months ago. He's been searching for work since, mainly by submitting online applications via job boards & LinkedIn, and contacting local staffing agencies, to no avail. His former job was working at a small start-up in a WFH position, and he's been adamant about finding something similar, though is starting to understand the local & in-person options will likely be more realistic in the short term.

He did have a temporary offer working deliveries during the holiday season, but that was rescinded due to a speeding ticket on his record for 26+ MPH over the limit, which he got in August. He paid a lawyer friend $200 to help him get that expunged, only to get another speeding ticket just a few weeks ago.

For this most recent ticket, he didn't tell me that he was cited—he simply paid the $180 ticket using our joint credit card (which I pay in full while he's unemployed) and I found out via the CC statement. It was only then that he told me about the ticket. IDK if he would've told me had I not seen the charge.

Now, he's required to take a driver's safety course so as to not get his license suspended. He got indignant when I asked him to pay for $40 from his own money.

Add to that, my husband is chronically depressed and has a history of severe substance use disorder (8 years sober). He attends weekly SMART meetings but I'm not sure what else he does beyond that. He's also a recent empty-nester and both of his parents (mid 70s) are in failing health. He has few friends to call on for support. I've been his primary emotional support through all of this.

Prior to being laid off, the depression was a bit more well-managed (it still came out as irritability, criticism/judgment, excessive daytime sleepiness, etc) but it's been a rollercoaster for the past several months. When it's bad, part of his depression can come across as having narcissistic traits, since he's prone to a more selfish approach to things, criticism of myself and others, big fluctuations in mood, and emotional blackmail (primarily talking about how much he's suffering and how I contribute to it / implying that I need to do things a certain way or agree with him to soothe his emotions).

He has implied that me focusing on things that bring me happiness is a detriment to his mental health and a potential contributing factor for him to relapse in the future.

When he's in his more depressed states, he will talk often about how everything is going wrong in his life, everything in his life is broken/falling apart, how I am so distant from him and how abandoned/left behind he feels. He talks about how he's putting in so much effort (into the job search, our relationship, etc) and getting no returns.

Rather than feeling drawn in to comfort and care for him, I feel more and more distant and put off by him.

And yet, I feel this huge sense of guilt in even thinking about initiating a separation (both in our living spaces and in our finances). Every time I try to establish some healthy distance for myself, he accuses me of abandoning him and leaving him behind. He says he feels empty without me around. He's told me that he is angry at how much he feels he needs me.

I know he is financially dependent on me, which makes this even harder. I don't want to leave him in a lurch, and I know that if I stay as things are, my own mental and physical health will continue to deteriorate. I don't know how to proceed.

I'm scared he'll fall apart and become even more depressed, relapse, or just fail to launch on his own.

Help.

TL;DR: My husband is long-term unemployed (7 months), severely depressed, and emotionally/financially dependent on me. I want a separation yet feel massive guilt around this. I'm looking for insight/advice/feedback on how to overcome the guilt of initiating a separation from someone who is at a severe low point in their life and claims that I am one of the only good things left.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/CarelessFeature7970 on 2023-12-30 18:06:44+00:00.

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. 6000 miles apart to be specific. We’ve not even been together for a year but we feel extremely close. We’ve met once for a week but that was almost 6 months ago. It’s been getting to a point where it’s depressing and I’m not sure I can handle the distance anymore. So I ended things between us, he was distraught and I was extremely upset but I felt as if it was the best decision for both of us. He guilt tripped me hard during the conversation so it was left in a state of are we together or aren’t we. We decided to have a conversation today where he told me he had engaged in SH as it got to him so much. After him divulging this information we decided to stay together, but I feel horrible now. It calmed him down so much and I don’t want to upset him again. I don’t think it’s going to work, but I don’t want him to hurt himself again because even though it wouldn’t be my fault, it most definitely feels like it would be my fault.

I don’t know what to do or how to approach this situation and any advice on this situation would be appreciated please as I feel so stuck?

TL;DR! I tried to break up with my boyfriend and he hurt himself. I don’t know how to leave him without hurting him.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LittleDifference1255 on 2023-12-30 18:53:51+00:00.

i (22m) have been dating dave(23m) for just over three years. using a throw away.

anyway, we were arguing last week about some issues when he started getting mean. to beclear, we were both a little high (dabs) n not being nice to each other because of some problems about our living situation. i decided i had enough n started to ignore him, not responding n watching tv instead. he called me out, waved a hand in front of my face, n called me childish. i still didnt respondso he reached out an pinched my leg, hard. i slapped his hand away n said id call the cops if he touched me again. i think he just wanted some kind of response

he never hurt me before. we had arguments, but not much more than a usual relationship. im not afraid of him- i dont expect him to raise a hand to me. i made it clear the next day i would absolutly call the cops if he layed a finger on me again. he had a bruise for a while where i slapped him. he is remorseful n has apologized a lot like giving me my fav flowers and providing acts of service like driving me to work so i dont have to uber eventhough it means he has to get up two hours earlier than normal. he apologized over and over and said it wouldnt happen again.

i guss i wanted to ask- is there any coming back from this? has anyone had this kind of thing happen in a relationship n continue to be healthy and respectful long term? i dont want to throw away the future i dreamed of together- but i wont stay in a relationship where im treated bad. saw enough of that from my mom.

tl;dr SO pinched me in an argument to get a reaction when i was ignoring him. is there any hope or is this the begining of the end?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/badmoon75 on 2023-12-30 17:39:31+00:00.

My ex and I(27f) are getting divorced soon. We have been separated for a few months and it has sucked.

I met this guy(34m) at a work adjacent thing and we hit it off and have been seeing each other for a couple of months. He knows all about my recent past and I have been upfront with him that I don't know what I am looking for. My attitude has been if it turns into a relationship, that is cool, but if it doesn't that is fine too. We have been spending a lot of time together and it has been great. He invited me to go in a trip with him and I accepted. It was amazing.

When we got back to his place from the 2 week trip I started getting my things together to go home for a few days because that was all I wanted to do. I could tell he was annoyed, but I assumed the high if the trip was over and he wanted me to get tf out of his house. I went to tell him bye andnhe asked about dinner tomorrow night and I told him probably and to just text me.

After I had been home a few hours he texted me telling me he felt like I was pulling away and he didn't want to be a rebound. He accused me of leading him on. I told him that wasn't the case and that I just wanted to take care of things at my house and relax for a few days. I have been getting short texts back. One of my guy friends said that he really liked me and probably felt used and that he would have blocked me. Did I fuck up? A part of me feels like an insensitive idiot.

Tldr I wanted to spend time at my house alone after a 2 week trip and he is pissed at me

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/CarelessFeature7970 on 2023-12-30 18:06:44+00:00.

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. 6000 miles apart to be specific. We’ve not even been together for a year but we feel extremely close. We’ve met once for a week but that was almost 6 months ago. It’s been getting to a point where it’s depressing and I’m not sure I can handle the distance anymore. So I ended things between us, he was distraught and I was extremely upset but I felt as if it was the best decision for both of us. He guilt tripped me hard during the conversation so it was left in a state of are we together or aren’t we. We decided to have a conversation today where he told me he had engaged in SH as it got to him so much. After him divulging this information we decided to stay together, but I feel horrible now. It calmed him down so much and I don’t want to upset him again. I don’t think it’s going to work, but I don’t want him to hurt himself again because even though it wouldn’t be my fault, it most definitely feels like it would be my fault.

I don’t know what to do or how to approach this situation and any advice on this situation would be appreciated please as I feel so stuck?

TL;DR! I tried to break up with my boyfriend and he hurt himself. I don’t know how to leave him without hurting him.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/badmoon75 on 2023-12-30 17:39:31+00:00.

My ex and I(27f) are getting divorced soon. We have been separated for a few months and it has sucked.

I met this guy(34m) at a work adjacent thing and we hit it off and have been seeing each other for a couple of months. He knows all about my recent past and I have been upfront with him that I don't know what I am looking for. My attitude has been if it turns into a relationship, that is cool, but if it doesn't that is fine too. We have been spending a lot of time together and it has been great. He invited me to go in a trip with him and I accepted. It was amazing.

When we got back to his place from the 2 week trip I started getting my things together to go home for a few days because that was all I wanted to do. I could tell he was annoyed, but I assumed the high if the trip was over and he wanted me to get tf out of his house. I went to tell him bye andnhe asked about dinner tomorrow night and I told him probably and to just text me.

After I had been home a few hours he texted me telling me he felt like I was pulling away and he didn't want to be a rebound. He accused me of leading him on. I told him that wasn't the case and that I just wanted to take care of things at my house and relax for a few days. I have been getting short texts back. One of my guy friends said that he really liked me and probably felt used and that he would have blocked me. Did I fuck up? A part of me feels like an insensitive idiot.

Tldr I wanted to spend time at my house alone after a 2 week trip and he is pissed at me

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/alpal41 on 2023-12-30 17:20:35+00:00.

This past weekend we had our annual family Christmas party. Extended family comes in from all over, and it’s a special day for us!

The morning of, I (26F) woke up to get ready— I did my hair and makeup.

My younger sister (24F) walked into my bathroom, looked at me with an annoyed face, sighed with contempt, and said “ugh. you look better than me.”. Then she rolled her eyes, walked out and disappeared. She was absent for the first hour/hour and a half of the party. Later, I found her in the guest room scrolling through tiktok while pouting. I asked her what was wrong and she said “I’m not in the mood to see everyone”. I asked why and she said “I’m just feeling ugly today.”. I understand those days, but the first comment she made to me in the bathroom hurt my feelings for some reason? I tried not to take it personally and just brushed it off.

For the last 4 months I have gotten myself back into the gym, I’ve been eating super healthy, and I’ve lost a good amount of weight. I haven’t felt this good in years! She is already in phenomenal shape, and is a very pretty girl (and this isn’t a biased opinion), so I’m not sure why she would suddenly feel so poorly about herself. She’s been acting different towards me ever since I’ve gotten home for the holidays, and I’m not sure how to handle it because we’re usually attached to the hip 24/7- we’ve been this way since we were little kids! There’s been other little passive comments here and there, and I feel like my presence is just annoying her… it’s making me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Is there anything I can I do about this? I keep asking her what’s wrong and she’ll lie and tell me “nothing.”. But she’s been keeping her distance from me, she takes everything I do (like winning a round of Gin Rummy for example) so personally, to the point that it will literally sour her mood for the rest of the day. When I walk into the room she’ll give me some subtle sjde eye, and she kind of pouts when I’m around. A couple days ago, I offered to get her coffee for free (I had enough points saved up for a free drink) and she accused me of trying to “hog all of the rewards points” she could get for herself… and chose to spend money instead of taking a free drink. All of this sounds kinda petty that I almost feel silly typing it out, because it’s trivial compared to other family drama I’ve experience in the past. But it’s making me feel so weird, like I’m walking on eggshells. Any advice on how to approach this? I leave on the 1st… not sure if I should keep trying to talk to her about it or just let it run its course and forget it happened.

TL;DR!

My younger sister is annoyed by me, and has been acting different towards me since last week. I’m trying to figure out how to approach the situation before I leave.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/alpal41 on 2023-12-30 17:20:35+00:00.

This past weekend we had our annual family Christmas party. Extended family comes in from all over, and it’s a special day for us!

The morning of, I (26F) woke up to get ready— I did my hair and makeup.

My younger sister (24F) walked into my bathroom, looked at me with an annoyed face, sighed with contempt, and said “ugh. you look better than me.”. Then she rolled her eyes, walked out and disappeared. She was absent for the first hour/hour and a half of the party. Later, I found her in the guest room scrolling through tiktok while pouting. I asked her what was wrong and she said “I’m not in the mood to see everyone”. I asked why and she said “I’m just feeling ugly today.”. I understand those days, but the first comment she made to me in the bathroom hurt my feelings for some reason? I tried not to take it personally and just brushed it off.

For the last 4 months I have gotten myself back into the gym, I’ve been eating super healthy, and I’ve lost a good amount of weight. I haven’t felt this good in years! She is already in phenomenal shape, and is a very pretty girl (and this isn’t a biased opinion), so I’m not sure why she would suddenly feel so poorly about herself. She’s been acting different towards me ever since I’ve gotten home for the holidays, and I’m not sure how to handle it because we’re usually attached to the hip 24/7- we’ve been this way since we were little kids! There’s been other little passive comments here and there, and I feel like my presence is just annoying her… it’s making me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Is there anything I can I do about this? I keep asking her what’s wrong and she’ll lie and tell me “nothing.”. But she’s been keeping her distance from me, she takes everything I do (like winning a round of Gin Rummy for example) so personally, to the point that it will literally sour her mood for the rest of the day. When I walk into the room she’ll give me some subtle sjde eye, and she kind of pouts when I’m around. A couple days ago, I offered to get her coffee for free (I had enough points saved up for a free drink) and she accused me of trying to “hog all of the rewards points” she could get for herself… and chose to spend money instead of taking a free drink. All of this sounds kinda petty that I almost feel silly typing it out, because it’s trivial compared to other family drama I’ve experience in the past. But it’s making me feel so weird, like I’m walking on eggshells. Any advice on how to approach this? I leave on the 1st… not sure if I should keep trying to talk to her about it or just let it run its course and forget it happened.

TL;DR!

My younger sister is annoyed by me, and has been acting different towards me since last week. I’m trying to figure out how to approach the situation before I leave.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ConsciousOpposite138 on 2023-12-30 16:52:28+00:00.

We have been married for 16 years and have three kids ranging from teen to pre-teen. There has been several instances of abuse directed at me from her over the years and I have been wanting to exit for about five years.

This summer, I told her I thought it would be best if I moved out of the house to begin the separation process.

She told me that that would only make it harder and that cohabitating wasn't so bad and living separately would only make things more difficult. She said the kids would be devastated and may go down a dark path because of it and that she wanted to not put our kids through divorce. I told her that kids are resilient and that our kids would still be good even if we are not together anymore. She acknowledged treating me poorly over the years but said she didn't see that she was wrong then. I told her our intimate relationship was done forever. She said she wasn't asking for that, only for us to stay under the same roof for the kids. I told her I would her I would have to think about it.

I then told her there was another cycle I was wanting to break for the kids and that was one of abuse. That's when the turned and the conversation went from calm to ugly.

She told me I was abandoning her when she has trauma and ADHD and can't help the way she acts. That marriage is forever and that I am negging on that because she is sick and that she has been begging me for help for years. After it turned into the blame game, I told her I would have to think about things but was ending the conversation for now. While she acknowledges she is sick (and never officially diagnosed), she refuses to do anything to help herself get better.

Fast forward current day, there unfortunately have not been any more conversations for over six months. I had some meetings with my lawyer and she told me I had to stay in the house until the divorce decree is signed. I told the lawyer she's going to make life a living hell but she was adamant about this. I owe her about 3 grand a month for half the years we've been married.

She has turned into the biggest leech ever and my enabling has worsened. She hasn't worked in one year. She stays up all night and goes to bed between 6am - 8am. We sleep in the bed in shifts. I find I truly don't have real separation or privacy from her.

There will never be a right time or a good time but as my lawyer says, she is the titanic and I need to get off and find the lifeboat to get away. She feels more like my child than my wife and that alone is unacceptable.

So how to execute knowing the manipulation tactics will be ready? Do I write a letter? How do I tell the kids? Help!

TLDR - It is time to move forward with asking my wife for a divorce as it always turns into manipulation, guilt-tripping, and the blame game.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ConsciousOpposite138 on 2023-12-30 16:52:28+00:00.

We have been married for 16 years and have three kids ranging from teen to pre-teen. There has been several instances of abuse directed at me from her over the years and I have been wanting to exit for about five years.

This summer, I told her I thought it would be best if I moved out of the house to begin the separation process.

She told me that that would only make it harder and that cohabitating wasn't so bad and living separately would only make things more difficult. She said the kids would be devastated and may go down a dark path because of it and that she wanted to not put our kids through divorce. I told her that kids are resilient and that our kids would still be good even if we are not together anymore. She acknowledged treating me poorly over the years but said she didn't see that she was wrong then. I told her our intimate relationship was done forever. She said she wasn't asking for that, only for us to stay under the same roof for the kids. I told her I would her I would have to think about it.

I then told her there was another cycle I was wanting to break for the kids and that was one of abuse. That's when the turned and the conversation went from calm to ugly.

She told me I was abandoning her when she has trauma and ADHD and can't help the way she acts. That marriage is forever and that I am negging on that because she is sick and that she has been begging me for help for years. After it turned into the blame game, I told her I would have to think about things but was ending the conversation for now. While she acknowledges she is sick (and never officially diagnosed), she refuses to do anything to help herself get better.

Fast forward current day, there unfortunately have not been any more conversations for over six months. I had some meetings with my lawyer and she told me I had to stay in the house until the divorce decree is signed. I told the lawyer she's going to make life a living hell but she was adamant about this. I owe her about 3 grand a month for half the years we've been married.

She has turned into the biggest leech ever and my enabling has worsened. She hasn't worked in one year. She stays up all night and goes to bed between 6am - 8am. We sleep in the bed in shifts. I find I truly don't have real separation or privacy from her.

There will never be a right time or a good time but as my lawyer says, she is the titanic and I need to get off and find the lifeboat to get away. She feels more like my child than my wife and that alone is unacceptable.

So how to execute knowing the manipulation tactics will be ready? Do I write a letter? How do I tell the kids? Help!

TLDR - It is time to move forward with asking my wife for a divorce as it always turns into manipulation, guilt-tripping, and the blame game.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/toomanylawyers on 2023-12-30 16:42:29+00:00.

Hey!

I'm totally ok if you ignore my stuff and simply reply my question, but I thought I'd leave some background on the reason for this doubt.

TL;DR: In a situationship, she wants exclusitivity. I have feelings for her and would like to try it, but I'm not convinced about us actually working out.

I've (26M) been in this sort of situationship for about 5 months and yesterday she (27F) said she wanted us to be exclusive. If we don't, our current relationship will be over and we won't see each other again.

I actually caught feelings for her, and to be honest lately we have been acting pretty much like a normal couple. Seeing each other often, going out often, etc.

I left a very long relationship before meeting her so when I started dating her I only wanted to explore what is like to be single. During this period I've been with quite many other girls, too.

If I followed my heart, I would drop my single life and start dating her. The idea of not seeing her anymore is hurtful and the opposite idea (opening myself to her and start a relationship) feels appealing.

However, rational thoughts stop me from doing so. Only now I'm starting to think of her as something serious, and I don't really know if she is a good match for me. We are different in some things that I find quite essential (for example: I'm relatively ambitious and hard-working, and she spends her time watching series).

I don't know if I should stick around and see if we are compatible anyways. We can be exclusive for some time and, who knows, maybe I end up not having doubts on her any longer. I mean, I guess that's the point of dating? If we are not a match, though, I will hurt her and myself in the process, since a breakup will obviously follow.

At the moment I can't picture her being my future wife. In the other hand, I guess it's absurd to project such an abstract an future picture, and maybe I shouldn't take dating this seriously, at least not in an initial stage.

Edit: forgot to add age.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/toomanylawyers on 2023-12-30 16:42:29+00:00.

Hey!

I'm totally ok if you ignore my stuff and simply reply my question, but I thought I'd leave some background on the reason for this doubt.

TL;DR: In a situationship, she wants exclusitivity. I have feelings for her and would like to try it, but I'm not convinced about us actually working out.

I've (26M) been in this sort of situationship for about 5 months and yesterday she (27F) said she wanted us to be exclusive. If we don't, our current relationship will be over and we won't see each other again.

I actually caught feelings for her, and to be honest lately we have been acting pretty much like a normal couple. Seeing each other often, going out often, etc.

I left a very long relationship before meeting her so when I started dating her I only wanted to explore what is like to be single. During this period I've been with quite many other girls, too.

If I followed my heart, I would drop my single life and start dating her. The idea of not seeing her anymore is hurtful and the opposite idea (opening myself to her and start a relationship) feels appealing.

However, rational thoughts stop me from doing so. Only now I'm starting to think of her as something serious, and I don't really know if she is a good match for me. We are different in some things that I find quite essential (for example: I'm relatively ambitious and hard-working, and she spends her time watching series).

I don't know if I should stick around and see if we are compatible anyways. We can be exclusive for some time and, who knows, maybe I end up not having doubts on her any longer. I mean, I guess that's the point of dating? If we are not a match, though, I will hurt her and myself in the process, since a breakup will obviously follow.

At the moment I can't picture her being my future wife. In the other hand, I guess it's absurd to project such an abstract an future picture, and maybe I shouldn't take dating this seriously, at least not in an initial stage.

Edit: forgot to add age.

This is an automated archive.

The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/UsualConstruction967 on 2023-12-30 16:40:23+00:00.

I have been dating this guy (31, M) for a little more than a month now, and somehow I can't help but feel nervous and anxious all the time. It's like I have a tension inside my chest that just won't go away. We have been talking about having kids and getting married, and I feel this is very heavy to start a relationship. However, he's someone I can't help but project a future with.

We have very different communication styles, and talking to him sometimes stresses me out. At the same time, he's very supportive and always tries to understand my point of view. He changes his way of interacting with me and does research on his own to improve any behavior I might not like. I feel he's a very reliable person, but I'm scared I may never feel completely relaxed with him due to our different personalities. Let's say the communication chemistry is not always there. We do not argue, but I just don't feel very comfortable because of his tone, or maybe I sense some hidden anger or frustration that worries me, and I don't know how to handle it.

He's also very sweet and kind, paying attention to people or animals around him to make them feel good, and towards me, he acts like a gentleman, holding my things, asking how I have been, and bringing unexpected presents, etc.

Overall, I think he's a great guy, and we love each other, wanting a future together. However, we might not be the most natural match, triggering a lot of anxiety on both sides, even though he says everything is okay with him. He never had a girlfriend before dating me, and I have had many, some of whom were abusive. Sometimes I feel like I am the one being toxic, always worrying and complaining without being able to pinpoint the cause of my stress.

I also know that if we start having protected sex, for example, I will still feel the same, as I understand that this is what he wants for us (having kids), and I guess I also want it. I had a different life plan altogether before meeting him, intending to start a company in another city, stay on my own, and not engage in long-term relationships. However, I couldn't help but be attracted to this guy and step into something different than what was initially planned. Every time I tried to step out of the relationship or slow it down, I feel even worse than when I move forward.

I would like to know how you feel about engaging in a long-term relationship with someone. Is this something that brings stress for everyone, or does everybody feel completely relaxed at the idea of spending the rest of their life with someone? We are not engaged, but we have been engaging in unprotected sex, giving it a flavor of commitment. I have planned to talk to a therapist about it. I know I also have anxiety issues, maybe commitment issues and I'm thinking this could be an avoidant behavior on my part that could evolve into something more peaceful once we get used to each other.

TL;DR I (34, F) feel anxious about my relationship all the time and yet I love my bf (31, M), is this something normal?