Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ok_moonberry96 on 2023-12-30 16:28:37+00:00.

On another post of mine, a reddit commenter suggested I check out the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and I was very surprised and upset when I found myself relating to some - certainly not all - of the things in the book. If I try to talk about my concerns/taking a break, my partner has said things like “if you left I couldn’t live”/“we’re never going to find this with someone else”/“no you’re right im worst person ever how could i do these things to you” (not sarcastic) and these kinds of things, among some things that happen when we disagree/argue, were in the book. What’s so difficult is that when I told him even about some things in this book, he says he is truly sorry and it is wrong and he didn’t know that’s what he was doing or making me feel. He’s going to talk to his therapist about it, as am I of course, but could this be genuine and is there a chance things could actually change (for good)?😔

TLDR: partner showing some signs of manipulation/gaslighting when i have tried to talk about taking a break in the past and recently, but when confronted he had no idea that’s what he was doing or making me feel and is truly sorry. Can this be genuine and is there a chance things could change for good?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Adamr17877 on 2023-12-30 16:27:56+00:00.

About two years ago I moved my girlfriend down to Fort Lauderdale for my job that I got a promotion for. I got us a two bedroom luxury apartment downtown las Olas, paid for all of our activities and most things around the house (groceries etc.). She started a job at a bakery to hold her over while finding something better. The company I worked for ended up getting bought by a hedge fund and i got screwed, not making nearly what I was promised, but I still did everything and covered our living/ activity expenses.

My girlfriend decided to lease car, and at the dealership she called me in the middle of my work day asking me to co-sign a crazy high lease/ insurance contract. I regretfully suggested she try with her mom. Realistically | regret that and should have done it, but I didn't think the terms were good and figured that's something we would talk about before making a decision. Instead of coming home and discussing it with me or getting other options she signed an extremely high lease/ insurance deal with the car sale guy. He pressed the hot button he realized she had, he told her I should have signed, basically calling me a shitty boyfriend and that he would take care of her (taking care of her as in push her to sign a very high fee contract without talking to me on impulse). Virtually manipulating her to sign an extremely high rate contract. My opinion is she should have came home and talked it through with me first.

Regardless what I'm boiling this down to is she is coming at me saying I ruined her life and that I didn't help her enough.

**TL;DR; What else can should I have done for her? Is covering living expenses, activities, dinners not enough? What would you suggest I have done?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Mountain_Snow9588 on 2023-12-30 16:20:54+00:00.

We have been together for a little over a year now and met at college. Both seniors entering our last semester and are from different states. The reason i post this now is because she wants to come visit me for NYE and she took off work to do so. I figured we would go out and do something with my friends which she hasn’t met some of yet but she was under the impression that we would sit at my house and do nothing. She doesn’t like going out which is fine but she makes me feel so wrong for wanting to go out for NYE. She makes me feel this way every time i want to do something while at school as well and claims i want to go out all the time meanwhile I haved missed out on so much to be with her and we spend almost all my free time together, infact i didn’t go out once unless it was the local bar which she would come with every single time. I know all of this stems from her insecurities and she does too except it feels like she puts it on me to fix (“im not blaming you but if you did this and that maybe i wouldn’t be so insecure”). I’ve never cheated i’ve never done anything to hurt her. The only thing that’s happened is that i hooked up with a mutual friend 2 years before i even knew my gf existed and she’s made me feel so wrong for having a past. It recently feels like she gets annoyed at every little thing. I’m starting to become fed up with all of this and don’t know what to do anymore. I sometimes want to walk away but something inside won’t let me. What would you do in this situation? Thank you! (sorry for long text)

TLDR: My girlfriend never wants to go out because of her insecurities and makes me feel wrong for wanting to every time it gets brought up.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA_1984649 on 2023-12-30 16:20:09+00:00.

Me (21M) and my girlfriend both (21F)have had a great relationship. We've been together for a little over 4 months. However during the relationship, there were many times where she would bring up an ex or talk to one for help with school but then it wasn't anything more than that. Or there would be some guy who was interested in her start texting and she wouldn't entertain him by doing anything, it would just bother me a lot that she was texting back instead of straight up blocking him. For the ex, I told her to block him and not speak to him to which she agreed. Then a few days ago I found her phone with texts from a number which ended up being that same ex. I didn't read it but when asked she kept saying no, not because the conversation was anything sexual or talking about getting back together, it was all only about family problems that he was going through and things of that nature, and he was the one that texted first. That is what she told me. My problem with the situation was that when I asked her to originally stop talking to him she told me she had blacked him to which she never actually did. When I confronted her about this she got extremely upset and wouldn't stop crying and was begging for me not to leave and stay with her. She said I swear to god this is the last time anything like this would ever happen. She blocked and deleted the number in front of me. The thing is I love her so much and I know she loves me to. So I said you know what I believe her, and stayed. She is also a religious person so I do believe when she brings god into the conversation because that's not something she jokes around with. She was just crying and begging me so much and I was so numb to all of it because she lied. Then we talked it out and she's like this is it and I will never do it again. If she does she said you can leave but I will make sure nothing like this ever happens again. Did I made the right decision in forgiving this and moving on considering I love her so much just as she does. Do you think also think that I would be possible to move on from this?

TL;DR; : My gf was talking to her ex, nothing sexual related or about getting back together. I found out then she pleaded to stay and promised to do nothing like this again and I agreed.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/No_Rhubarb_1741 on 2023-12-30 16:20:09+00:00.

So I've spent the past 3 years going to therapy and trying to heal from Narcissistic abuse. I grew up in a highly abusive (emotions, physical, and tons of neglect) household with a Narc mom. As Narcs tend to do, she assigned her children roles. My older sister was the Golden child, and although she still suffered abuse she was treated much better than us. Her main identity was formed as being better than us. She said things like this a lot, but I wasn't her main target.

When I entered my teens my sister started trying to humiliate me. It was never in the middle of an argument , we would be having a good time with people and she would lash out. She would compare me to very masculine/hairy men even though I'm a cis woman, and I'm pretty feminine. I think if it ended there I would just get over it but she kept it up for years, yes until she was almost 30. She compared me to men I don't want to name to keep anonymity, but an example is she would say guys NoRhubarb looks like James Gandolfini! And she would she repeat it over and over again mostly when we were around people. She would sometimes switch the guy out, but she mostly made sure it was a guy that looked manly and most of all they actually didn't resemble me at all. I remember once she was telling her friend I looked exactly like a famous male rapper, and her friend got upset and disagreed. My sister kept trying to push her to agree. Sometimes people say hey you remind me of so and so and even if you don't like it you see the resemblance, so you know they were just being honest. She wasn't being honest she was trying to hurt me as much as possible. It actually did hurt me a lot, and when I would try to stand up for myself my toxic family would flip out and tell me she didn't mean any harm.

The other day, years after this ended I decided to bring it up in our family group chat. I put a picture of one of the men and I said haha remember my sister used to say I looked like him? She responded immediately with We did that to you lol? as if she didn't remember. I then listed all of the guys she told everyone I looked like for years of my life. She said she remembered some of them but not all and said she wouldn't deny it. Thats all. She just said she won't deny it. After a while another family member chimed in with a lighthearted joke to break the tension.

I feel so silly being mad about this still. It wasn't just a bad joke once, or something mean during an argument. I think she was actively trying to break my self-esteem and this is what bothers me the most. When I have a really bad day with my self image, I sometimes think about those things she said. Did I do the right thing by calling it out? I felt like I should tell the person that did it that I still remember. She's never apologized for it. I will also add this is just one of the ways she's tried to put me down, there are other ways that don't involve my appearance, but this is the one she kept up for many years.

Tl;dr My older sister spent years from my teens to almost mid 20s comparing my appearance to men in front of people. Am I wrong for calling it out recently even though she hasn't done it recently?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/i_m_tnv on 2023-12-30 16:17:27+00:00.

I(F20) and my bf (21) are dating since a month (we know each other since a year now)

I'm a very emotional type and he is I think very emotionally matured

I get hurt over even small things like if we are chatting and we leaves in between (but comes back after a minute or two)

I sometimes feel like he thinks that I don't love him and all I say means fake to him. Idk if this is true or it's just me (well I think it's because I'm totally different person online and in person, we don't see each other often, and I'm still very awkward in person, but I swear I'm trying to improve)

I can't even process my thoughts rn (I need to write it down lol)

I want to be emotionally matured and don't feel like everything is an attack

Also I kinda have this people pleasing nature, for eg when I go rant to him and gives me solutions (which I don't need) but just because of his efforts I say that I'm feeling well but I'm not actually

I know I should not rely on anyone emotionally but I think I can ask for support in my relationship, he does help me but that doesn't work for in some kind.

I'm so confused.

tl;dr - want to be emotionally matured in my relationship, described how I felt

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ok_moonberry96 on 2023-12-30 16:28:37+00:00.

On another post of mine, a reddit commenter suggested I check out the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, and I was very surprised and upset when I found myself relating to some - certainly not all - of the things in the book. If I try to talk about my concerns/taking a break, my partner has said things like “if you left I couldn’t live”/“we’re never going to find this with someone else”/“no you’re right im worst person ever how could i do these things to you” (not sarcastic) and these kinds of things, among some things that happen when we disagree/argue, were in the book. What’s so difficult is that when I told him even about some things in this book, he says he is truly sorry and it is wrong and he didn’t know that’s what he was doing or making me feel. He’s going to talk to his therapist about it, as am I of course, but could this be genuine and is there a chance things could actually change (for good)?😔

TLDR: partner showing some signs of manipulation/gaslighting when i have tried to talk about taking a break in the past and recently, but when confronted he had no idea that’s what he was doing or making me feel and is truly sorry. Can this be genuine and is there a chance things could change for good?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/666CroissantAuBeurre on 2023-12-30 16:08:36+00:00.

We met in early October and started dating right away. We'll call her Jane. She mentioned right away that she wanted to take her time, that past relationships had her freak out because they went too fast. For example, in her previous relationship, her ex said "I love you" after 3 weeks. They weren't officially a relationship in her eyes, and because she freaked out, she hooked up with another guy. She isn't proud about that. The relationship ended up being toxic as hell.

Anyway. Jane and I started very nicely. After a bit more than a month I asked her to be my official girlfriend, to which she said yes. Then one day I messed up; I was insecure about her hanging out with ex flings. I got a text from a Tinder girl whom I had never met. I told Jane about it, and said "I think I'll go meet her just by curiosity". Jane became instantly super cold, she understandably almost broke up with me. When she understood it was just my insecurities and that I was kind of testing her, she actually understood and softened. That night, as we were having that tough conversation, I said "I love you" for the first time. Her answer was "Don't say that". The incident was forgotten btw. Jane never mentioned it again and doesn't care.

We stayed together, it was beautiful. She also said she loved me but a very few times. It's been 3 months. But I felt like the relationship has been degrading lately. For a few weeks, Jane has become colder and colder. It started when I had jealous behaviour. At times I was indeed trying to understand why "blasts from the past" were still contacting her. I wanted to know any time an ex would talk to her. I wanted to know whether she was flirtaous with dudes at parties. She became really annoyed. She became super distant lately. But she was also going through life-changing challenges, and I was there for her. Supported her, cooked her dinner, massaged her, comforted her. She thanked me for that. Yet, she became distant again afterwards.

Today I mentioned to her that I feel rejected more and more. She finally told me that she is scared that I am too controlling, paternalist (giving her unrequited advice; it's true that I'm used to be the "man of the house" in my family), intrusive, intense. She also said this. "I think we went too fast. We don't have the same perspective because I've been through 8 breakups and I think I am a bit jaded. I've become more realistic, less reckless in love. My normal rythm is to become official, or to say I love you after about 5 months. I did want to be with you, but I feel like it's still early, we are still in troubled water, we still don't really know each other. So, my reason makes me slow down and take a step back."

I asked "Will there ever be clear water / certainty that we will work together?" to which she replied "In my opinion it's impossible to know that early, that's the point".

Where do we go from there? I am pretty lost. Thank you.

TL;DR!: My new girlfriend has been backing off from the relationship lately. She confessed it went too quick and we cannot know yet if it's actually working together because we still don't know each other well. She also got annoyed at me in the past. I feel undervalued and don't know what to do.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Adamr17877 on 2023-12-30 16:27:56+00:00.

About two years ago I moved my girlfriend down to Fort Lauderdale for my job that I got a promotion for. I got us a two bedroom luxury apartment downtown las Olas, paid for all of our activities and most things around the house (groceries etc.). She started a job at a bakery to hold her over while finding something better. The company I worked for ended up getting bought by a hedge fund and i got screwed, not making nearly what I was promised, but I still did everything and covered our living/ activity expenses.

My girlfriend decided to lease car, and at the dealership she called me in the middle of my work day asking me to co-sign a crazy high lease/ insurance contract. I regretfully suggested she try with her mom. Realistically | regret that and should have done it, but I didn't think the terms were good and figured that's something we would talk about before making a decision. Instead of coming home and discussing it with me or getting other options she signed an extremely high lease/ insurance deal with the car sale guy. He pressed the hot button he realized she had, he told her I should have signed, basically calling me a shitty boyfriend and that he would take care of her (taking care of her as in push her to sign a very high fee contract without talking to me on impulse). Virtually manipulating her to sign an extremely high rate contract. My opinion is she should have came home and talked it through with me first.

Regardless what I'm boiling this down to is she is coming at me saying I ruined her life and that I didn't help her enough.

**TL;DR; What else can should I have done for her? Is covering living expenses, activities, dinners not enough? What would you suggest I have done?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/phyowinko on 2023-12-30 15:57:46+00:00.

Hear me out and pls give me advice... We started dating 1 months ago. She moved to Capital city for her courses and I also came there.

I have no relationship experience and so I told her to meet near tea shop. I think this made her lost respect on me. She never picked up my phone since then.

She likes party and drinks. She is a hot girl. I'm not cool like this. In our cities I brought her to a bar for dates and kissed. Now she has not made contact on me for 10 days.

What should I do. I called many times by phone and meet her one time. This time I bring her to rooftop bar. She came but refuse to hold my hand.

What should I do? Can I get her respect but or should I move on?

TL;DR : My girlfriend changed her mind and mad at me after I asked her to meet at tea shop in new city. What should I do.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Mountain_Snow9588 on 2023-12-30 16:20:54+00:00.

We have been together for a little over a year now and met at college. Both seniors entering our last semester and are from different states. The reason i post this now is because she wants to come visit me for NYE and she took off work to do so. I figured we would go out and do something with my friends which she hasn’t met some of yet but she was under the impression that we would sit at my house and do nothing. She doesn’t like going out which is fine but she makes me feel so wrong for wanting to go out for NYE. She makes me feel this way every time i want to do something while at school as well and claims i want to go out all the time meanwhile I haved missed out on so much to be with her and we spend almost all my free time together, infact i didn’t go out once unless it was the local bar which she would come with every single time. I know all of this stems from her insecurities and she does too except it feels like she puts it on me to fix (“im not blaming you but if you did this and that maybe i wouldn’t be so insecure”). I’ve never cheated i’ve never done anything to hurt her. The only thing that’s happened is that i hooked up with a mutual friend 2 years before i even knew my gf existed and she’s made me feel so wrong for having a past. It recently feels like she gets annoyed at every little thing. I’m starting to become fed up with all of this and don’t know what to do anymore. I sometimes want to walk away but something inside won’t let me. What would you do in this situation? Thank you! (sorry for long text)

TLDR: My girlfriend never wants to go out because of her insecurities and makes me feel wrong for wanting to every time it gets brought up.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Conscious_Walrus_156 on 2023-12-30 15:46:14+00:00.

I have to be long distance with this person, I am female and he is male. We met spontaneously while we were traveling, so sure, we had sparks and excitement and fun sex. But I also felt that we had a sort of actual connection, and he does too.

However, we live really far from each other. And we both are committed to our personal and professional goals. We both agree it seems natural and best if we just keep sticking to our goals/path, and hey, if we could align in the future that’s great, but if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

He is actively dating locally now, and I am actively dating local as well.

I just keep thinking about what I had with him.

We’re both bad texters in our own way. For him, he gets overwhelmed by it easily and can forget to text people back (I actually do that too, so I don’t take it personally from him. I just realized this morning I forgot to text back a good friend who wished me a Merry Christmas). I think I’m bad at texting in my own way, because I was getting kind of emotional and upset with him about our long distance and impossible situation. But he was really nice and reassuring about it to me.

I live in North America and he lives in Europe. We met in Europe, and that’s where I like to travel in the summertime. I don’t know where I will go on vacation next summer exactly in Europe, but I want to go again.

Does anyone have advice on what I should do? I want to be healthy and normal by continuing to try to date new people and trying my hardest to stop comparing these guys to him. Who knows, maybe by next summer I won’t think about this guy anymore.

But let’s say I do want to continue our friendship into the future. Any advice on how to proceed?

Thank you

Tl;dr: Trying to navigate a long distance friendship that doesn’t translate as well as it does in person.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA_1984649 on 2023-12-30 16:20:09+00:00.

Me (21M) and my girlfriend both (21F)have had a great relationship. We've been together for a little over 4 months. However during the relationship, there were many times where she would bring up an ex or talk to one for help with school but then it wasn't anything more than that. Or there would be some guy who was interested in her start texting and she wouldn't entertain him by doing anything, it would just bother me a lot that she was texting back instead of straight up blocking him. For the ex, I told her to block him and not speak to him to which she agreed. Then a few days ago I found her phone with texts from a number which ended up being that same ex. I didn't read it but when asked she kept saying no, not because the conversation was anything sexual or talking about getting back together, it was all only about family problems that he was going through and things of that nature, and he was the one that texted first. That is what she told me. My problem with the situation was that when I asked her to originally stop talking to him she told me she had blacked him to which she never actually did. When I confronted her about this she got extremely upset and wouldn't stop crying and was begging for me not to leave and stay with her. She said I swear to god this is the last time anything like this would ever happen. She blocked and deleted the number in front of me. The thing is I love her so much and I know she loves me to. So I said you know what I believe her, and stayed. She is also a religious person so I do believe when she brings god into the conversation because that's not something she jokes around with. She was just crying and begging me so much and I was so numb to all of it because she lied. Then we talked it out and she's like this is it and I will never do it again. If she does she said you can leave but I will make sure nothing like this ever happens again. Did I made the right decision in forgiving this and moving on considering I love her so much just as she does. Do you think also think that I would be possible to move on from this?

TL;DR; : My gf was talking to her ex, nothing sexual related or about getting back together. I found out then she pleaded to stay and promised to do nothing like this again and I agreed.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/cyberwidow on 2023-12-30 15:45:18+00:00.

Hear me out..its not as bad as it seems. I (40f) met a guy (38m) as I was going through a divorce. I waited a long time to introduce him to my kids (15m and 13m) due to the huge changes they went through. I got to point where I was ready to incorporate him into our lives but then his teenage son (15m) who lived a few hours away moved in. Yes..he is the same age as my kid, they have no similar interests. My son is a gay and hates sports which is the complete opposite of his son. His was also expelled for smoking at school and caught smoking weed multiple times..my younger kid and him would not get along.

We live in different places so seeing each other during the week became difficult due to needing to be around in the evenings for the kids. I don't have my kids on the weekend but he does every other weekend. When he does have him he is always needs to take his son to different places so he can hang out with friends or do sports. It's always that we can do dinner but we have to be back by x time. Everything revolves around the kid's social life and I get it...you want to make sure your kid has fun. I am not complaining about that part.

On the weekends he doesn't have him, he drops his kid off on Friday night with his mom and gets back around 11pm. I get Saturday with him and then he leaves around 2pm Sunday to go get his son and start the whole cycle all over again.

I'm very introvert, I also have very needy kids and I have a mother dying from cancer so when I get time away on the weekends I just want to reset and not stress about anything.

I tend to never want to go visit when he has his son on the weekends. I always feel uncomfortable for some reason. He never has any food or drinks because he says if they are in the house he will eat it all. I have to bring anything I need over there like snacks, soap, toothpaste, etc. We always have to be very quiet when we having sex so his son won't hear anything. Anything we do revolves around the kid's schedule. We are both 420 friendly which helps with my stress but I can't do that over there.

We talk everyday but I have some really stressful stuff going on and it's hard for me to open up at times because I don't always want to talk about it over the phone. I do feel like he isn't there for comfort but I've never had it so it doesn't bother me to deal with things on my own. I'm very shy and a lot of weekend I just want to crawl in a cave and never leave. I deal with depression, a dying mother and upcoming hysterectomy next month. He wants to see me more on the weekends he has his kid. I sometimes make plans on those weekends that don't include him because he is never available but that never sits well with him. I'm ok with just seeing him every other weekend for a day and a half for the next 4 years...he's not. We've been trying to do a dinner one evening during the week when we can.

Am I wrong for feeling that way? We've been together 6 years but maybe I'm not the partner he needs.

TDLR: I like my weekends to be stress free and spending weekends with him and his son tend not to be. Am I wrong for not wanting to spend the night over there when he has his kid?

Edit: I have no issues with the kid. It's just the environment on weekends there tend to be hectic and we can never really relax.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/No_Rhubarb_1741 on 2023-12-30 16:20:09+00:00.

So I've spent the past 3 years going to therapy and trying to heal from Narcissistic abuse. I grew up in a highly abusive (emotions, physical, and tons of neglect) household with a Narc mom. As Narcs tend to do, she assigned her children roles. My older sister was the Golden child, and although she still suffered abuse she was treated much better than us. Her main identity was formed as being better than us. She said things like this a lot, but I wasn't her main target.

When I entered my teens my sister started trying to humiliate me. It was never in the middle of an argument , we would be having a good time with people and she would lash out. She would compare me to very masculine/hairy men even though I'm a cis woman, and I'm pretty feminine. I think if it ended there I would just get over it but she kept it up for years, yes until she was almost 30. She compared me to men I don't want to name to keep anonymity, but an example is she would say guys NoRhubarb looks like James Gandolfini! And she would she repeat it over and over again mostly when we were around people. She would sometimes switch the guy out, but she mostly made sure it was a guy that looked manly and most of all they actually didn't resemble me at all. I remember once she was telling her friend I looked exactly like a famous male rapper, and her friend got upset and disagreed. My sister kept trying to push her to agree. Sometimes people say hey you remind me of so and so and even if you don't like it you see the resemblance, so you know they were just being honest. She wasn't being honest she was trying to hurt me as much as possible. It actually did hurt me a lot, and when I would try to stand up for myself my toxic family would flip out and tell me she didn't mean any harm.

The other day, years after this ended I decided to bring it up in our family group chat. I put a picture of one of the men and I said haha remember my sister used to say I looked like him? She responded immediately with We did that to you lol? as if she didn't remember. I then listed all of the guys she told everyone I looked like for years of my life. She said she remembered some of them but not all and said she wouldn't deny it. Thats all. She just said she won't deny it. After a while another family member chimed in with a lighthearted joke to break the tension.

I feel so silly being mad about this still. It wasn't just a bad joke once, or something mean during an argument. I think she was actively trying to break my self-esteem and this is what bothers me the most. When I have a really bad day with my self image, I sometimes think about those things she said. Did I do the right thing by calling it out? I felt like I should tell the person that did it that I still remember. She's never apologized for it. I will also add this is just one of the ways she's tried to put me down, there are other ways that don't involve my appearance, but this is the one she kept up for many years.

Tl;dr My older sister spent years from my teens to almost mid 20s comparing my appearance to men in front of people. Am I wrong for calling it out recently even though she hasn't done it recently?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Less-Cold-147 on 2023-12-30 15:37:09+00:00.

We've been together 2 years. I'm ready for the next step. He already lives 50 miles away so we only see each other the weekends. I know he's not hiding anything and loves me a lot. He just 'Likes his own space and doesn't like the idea of living with anyone even friends' But I do want it. I do want to live with my partner one day so we can have a future and not just 'Date' He also said one day he might want to move back home so Essex and if he does, I cant live with him (Essex is 200 miles away) I'm heartbroken every time I think about this. Do I wait or give up?

Tldr: I want a future with my partner, he's happy to just date forever.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/i_m_tnv on 2023-12-30 16:17:27+00:00.

I(F20) and my bf (21) are dating since a month (we know each other since a year now)

I'm a very emotional type and he is I think very emotionally matured

I get hurt over even small things like if we are chatting and we leaves in between (but comes back after a minute or two)

I sometimes feel like he thinks that I don't love him and all I say means fake to him. Idk if this is true or it's just me (well I think it's because I'm totally different person online and in person, we don't see each other often, and I'm still very awkward in person, but I swear I'm trying to improve)

I can't even process my thoughts rn (I need to write it down lol)

I want to be emotionally matured and don't feel like everything is an attack

Also I kinda have this people pleasing nature, for eg when I go rant to him and gives me solutions (which I don't need) but just because of his efforts I say that I'm feeling well but I'm not actually

I know I should not rely on anyone emotionally but I think I can ask for support in my relationship, he does help me but that doesn't work for in some kind.

I'm so confused.

tl;dr - want to be emotionally matured in my relationship, described how I felt

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/sallyjeffyrafael on 2023-12-30 15:32:22+00:00.

I (F,39) have been with my partner (M,39) for several years, we have been married about 15. We were always off and on, at one point he had an intimate affair with his ex. I found out by catching the lies and we broke up for a while. At this point it happened when we were kids and it’s water under the bridge now but it can make me react if I feel off in our relationship now.

Until recently I was living life fine but my intuition got ignited by some of my partner’s new treatment and phone behaviors. I paid to have someone check out what’s going on in the internet and a site link to “meetsanddates” for my partner’s x/ig handle came up.

This site seems committed to blocking the identify of people, which is fine, but I don’t want to dig further if I don’t need to . Does anyone know what this site is and what they do?

As soon as I paid the investigator the site linked to my partner is nowhere to be found. I think my partner saw the payment and decided to cancel whatever he had going on on meetsanddates. Which is great, mission accomplished. But for some reason I still feel like I should know more about what this site is and what it would mean for my partner to be involved.

Tl;Dr Can anyone help me with more info on this meets and dates site?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/666CroissantAuBeurre on 2023-12-30 16:08:36+00:00.

We met in early October and started dating right away. We'll call her Jane. She mentioned right away that she wanted to take her time, that past relationships had her freak out because they went too fast. For example, in her previous relationship, her ex said "I love you" after 3 weeks. They weren't officially a relationship in her eyes, and because she freaked out, she hooked up with another guy. She isn't proud about that. The relationship ended up being toxic as hell.

Anyway. Jane and I started very nicely. After a bit more than a month I asked her to be my official girlfriend, to which she said yes. Then one day I messed up; I was insecure about her hanging out with ex flings. I got a text from a Tinder girl whom I had never met. I told Jane about it, and said "I think I'll go meet her just by curiosity". Jane became instantly super cold, she understandably almost broke up with me. When she understood it was just my insecurities and that I was kind of testing her, she actually understood and softened. That night, as we were having that tough conversation, I said "I love you" for the first time. Her answer was "Don't say that". The incident was forgotten btw. Jane never mentioned it again and doesn't care.

We stayed together, it was beautiful. She also said she loved me but a very few times. It's been 3 months. But I felt like the relationship has been degrading lately. For a few weeks, Jane has become colder and colder. It started when I had jealous behaviour. At times I was indeed trying to understand why "blasts from the past" were still contacting her. I wanted to know any time an ex would talk to her. I wanted to know whether she was flirtaous with dudes at parties. She became really annoyed. She became super distant lately. But she was also going through life-changing challenges, and I was there for her. Supported her, cooked her dinner, massaged her, comforted her. She thanked me for that. Yet, she became distant again afterwards.

Today I mentioned to her that I feel rejected more and more. She finally told me that she is scared that I am too controlling, paternalist (giving her unrequited advice; it's true that I'm used to be the "man of the house" in my family), intrusive, intense. She also said this. "I think we went too fast. We don't have the same perspective because I've been through 8 breakups and I think I am a bit jaded. I've become more realistic, less reckless in love. My normal rythm is to become official, or to say I love you after about 5 months. I did want to be with you, but I feel like it's still early, we are still in troubled water, we still don't really know each other. So, my reason makes me slow down and take a step back."

I asked "Will there ever be clear water / certainty that we will work together?" to which she replied "In my opinion it's impossible to know that early, that's the point".

Where do we go from there? I am pretty lost. Thank you.

TL;DR!: My new girlfriend has been backing off from the relationship lately. She confessed it went too quick and we cannot know yet if it's actually working together because we still don't know each other well. She also got annoyed at me in the past. I feel undervalued and don't know what to do.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/phyowinko on 2023-12-30 15:57:46+00:00.

Hear me out and pls give me advice... We started dating 1 months ago. She moved to Capital city for her courses and I also came there.

I have no relationship experience and so I told her to meet near tea shop. I think this made her lost respect on me. She never picked up my phone since then.

She likes party and drinks. She is a hot girl. I'm not cool like this. In our cities I brought her to a bar for dates and kissed. Now she has not made contact on me for 10 days.

What should I do. I called many times by phone and meet her one time. This time I bring her to rooftop bar. She came but refuse to hold my hand.

What should I do? Can I get her respect but or should I move on?

TL;DR : My girlfriend changed her mind and mad at me after I asked her to meet at tea shop in new city. What should I do.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwingrosesaway- on 2023-12-30 15:16:08+00:00.

So, I’ve (21F) been with this guy (28M) for almost 4 months now. We broke up a couple of weeks ago and then got back together. Afterwards though, I’ve noticed some things that are and have been weird. Maybe it’s me imagining things, but I don’t really have friends and I don’t know who to ask.

For starters, I know he uses his phone a lot when I’m not there. When I am there, he kinda just keeps it in his pocket or away from us? I appreciate that he isn’t constantly on his phone when I’m with him and we just talk. However, I do notice that when I go away to the bathroom or something like that, he checks it and then immediately puts it down. I’ve seen him texting and stuff and he’ll notice I’m coming back and he’ll sorta throw it away from him.

There is also the nagging feeling that I’m a rebound. And if so, he’s probably not loyal or doesn’t care. The reasoning for this is that when we got together, he had just gotten out of an abusive relationship, per his description of it. And I could tell he was still struggling with the damage that relationship left and the trauma. To the point he’d talk about how she was and stuff and I’d comfort him. I did bring it up to him once because I needed to know. Probably not my best idea, but he was pretty rude about it. He denied it and started answering like he was annoyed. I explained that in part this thought was caused by my abandonment issues and before I could even get to explain further (that it was just a need for reassurance) his words were “I didn’t cause those. That’s not my problem”.

I would get this type of reaction if when he came to me for reassurance and support I treated him like that. But I know I haven’t. There’s moments when he gets defensive or starts doing things because in his mind he’s in his past relationship and doesn’t want to start an argument or get hit (she hit him). I’m not like that. I reassure him, remind him I’m not going to do that and that I understand why he had said reaction. When it comes to my feelings though, he just makes that type of comment. It’s happened multiple times now.

I tried to talk to him about it in 3 occasions, each time calmly explaining what I wanted from him. To the point I listed the things I do to calm him down and reassure him, and explained he didn’t have to do it like me but that the emotional support I’ve given him, I’d like back. And all it ended in was “I feel bad now” and he’d turn the conversation about him. The fourth time he straight up looked at me, ignored what I told him about the subject, and started venting about his problems. Successfully making it about him again.

After that I will admit I got very rude. I guess I was hurt and done being there for someone who couldn’t even just… hear me out. So I blocked him on everything. I got drunk and unblocked him, didn’t add him on anything. He started messaging me angrily and stuff. I was drunk and arguing with him, I don’t really remember it. I apologized the next day, and asked to speak to him in person because I wanted to have closure. We ended up getting back together.

I know this one can be him not caring enough or him trying to act differently from other relationships, but he hasn’t gifted me anything. From what he tells me, he used to buy his exes stuff. From food, to gifts, and etc. The only gift I got from him was for Christmas. And it was a hoodie and a shirt that he got in Black Friday because he was shopping for stuff for him and figured he’d get it out of the way. Legit what he told me. I’ve gifted him a couple of things so far. I’m not materialistic, nor do I expect him to empty his bank account for me. But a flower? A letter? Just anything? Like I pay half of everything when we go out. Ive even just payed for the food or ice cream fully myself. In moments where I didn’t even have money too.

The way he speaks about his past relationships and what he did, and how he treats me… He put way more effort with them than me. He does below bare minimum and gets mad if I try to address it.

I can tell something is off. Sometimes he won’t answer messages, and I know he’s not busy. He’s also blown off invitations to meet my family. To the point that for Thanksgiving he said he’d go and just never showed up. Didn’t even tell me he wasn’t going. I feel like if he isn’t cheating, I am just a rebound. And if not, that I may be the side piece. Am I just crazy? Or should I genuinely be worried?

tldr; my bf is not emotionally supportive, does less for our relationship than he did for his exes, and I think I’m either a rebound, he’s cheating on me, or I’m the side piece.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Conscious_Walrus_156 on 2023-12-30 15:46:14+00:00.

I have to be long distance with this person, I am female and he is male. We met spontaneously while we were traveling, so sure, we had sparks and excitement and fun sex. But I also felt that we had a sort of actual connection, and he does too.

However, we live really far from each other. And we both are committed to our personal and professional goals. We both agree it seems natural and best if we just keep sticking to our goals/path, and hey, if we could align in the future that’s great, but if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

He is actively dating locally now, and I am actively dating local as well.

I just keep thinking about what I had with him.

We’re both bad texters in our own way. For him, he gets overwhelmed by it easily and can forget to text people back (I actually do that too, so I don’t take it personally from him. I just realized this morning I forgot to text back a good friend who wished me a Merry Christmas). I think I’m bad at texting in my own way, because I was getting kind of emotional and upset with him about our long distance and impossible situation. But he was really nice and reassuring about it to me.

I live in North America and he lives in Europe. We met in Europe, and that’s where I like to travel in the summertime. I don’t know where I will go on vacation next summer exactly in Europe, but I want to go again.

Does anyone have advice on what I should do? I want to be healthy and normal by continuing to try to date new people and trying my hardest to stop comparing these guys to him. Who knows, maybe by next summer I won’t think about this guy anymore.

But let’s say I do want to continue our friendship into the future. Any advice on how to proceed?

Thank you

Tl;dr: Trying to navigate a long distance friendship that doesn’t translate as well as it does in person.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Mxcah_fooooo on 2023-12-30 15:03:37+00:00.

I am a 17M, my father is around 49-50? I honestly loathe and feel awkward around him and talking to him.

-I do not like it when he talks to me for the sake of sparking a conversation. I rather him just shut up and talk to someone else in my family

-He very often tries to show interest or talk about the things I like, and I hate it. I rather him not give a crap about what I like at all.

-I hate the way he talks.

-He swears the F word too much for my liking (to the point I think he swears for the sake of it and it is just disgusting), he even swears the F word in public.

What is worse, is that this isn't the first time this is happening (where I try to distant myself or subtly set a boundary). What irks me is that he has the balls to:

-intentionally ask/tell me things that he wouldn't usually just to talk to me

-he tries to offer to buy me things or gift me things

What annoys and disgusts me is the last point. Does he think I'm some cheap being that can be pleased with money? He is absolutely disgusting and I am downright embarrassed by it. It is downright creepy and I seriously at this point think he has some ulterior motive. Seriously, I just want him to not interact with me at all

Another thing is that, I think that he is “gay” and has some sexual eyes for me and is doing all these nice things trying spark conversations and gift me things when I am upset just tp shower me with love. Now I am not against gay people, but it really makes me uncomfortable that I think my father (no solid proof, just the vibes)

I know a lot of you reading this are ready to call me out for being a jerk and ungrateful son. I am not. I can't help how I feel about my father.

tl;dr I feel uncomfortable around my father because he gives of fruity vibes and all that trying to relate with my interest and shower me with gifts, offering to buy me things or just trying to spark random conversations just because I am clearly upset and trying to distant myself from him. It makes me feel as though he has sexual/romantic eyes for me (yuck) It is disgusting, ruining my mood and my life, I rather him just no talk or interact with me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/cyberwidow on 2023-12-30 15:45:18+00:00.

Hear me out..its not as bad as it seems. I (40f) met a guy (38m) as I was going through a divorce. I waited a long time to introduce him to my kids (15m and 13m) due to the huge changes they went through. I got to point where I was ready to incorporate him into our lives but then his teenage son (15m) who lived a few hours away moved in. Yes..he is the same age as my kid, they have no similar interests. My son is a gay and hates sports which is the complete opposite of his son. His was also expelled for smoking at school and caught smoking weed multiple times..my younger kid and him would not get along.

We live in different places so seeing each other during the week became difficult due to needing to be around in the evenings for the kids. I don't have my kids on the weekend but he does every other weekend. When he does have him he is always needs to take his son to different places so he can hang out with friends or do sports. It's always that we can do dinner but we have to be back by x time. Everything revolves around the kid's social life and I get it...you want to make sure your kid has fun. I am not complaining about that part.

On the weekends he doesn't have him, he drops his kid off on Friday night with his mom and gets back around 11pm. I get Saturday with him and then he leaves around 2pm Sunday to go get his son and start the whole cycle all over again.

I'm very introvert, I also have very needy kids and I have a mother dying from cancer so when I get time away on the weekends I just want to reset and not stress about anything.

I tend to never want to go visit when he has his son on the weekends. I always feel uncomfortable for some reason. He never has any food or drinks because he says if they are in the house he will eat it all. I have to bring anything I need over there like snacks, soap, toothpaste, etc. We always have to be very quiet when we having sex so his son won't hear anything. Anything we do revolves around the kid's schedule. We are both 420 friendly which helps with my stress but I can't do that over there.

We talk everyday but I have some really stressful stuff going on and it's hard for me to open up at times because I don't always want to talk about it over the phone. I do feel like he isn't there for comfort but I've never had it so it doesn't bother me to deal with things on my own. I'm very shy and a lot of weekend I just want to crawl in a cave and never leave. I deal with depression, a dying mother and upcoming hysterectomy next month. He wants to see me more on the weekends he has his kid. I sometimes make plans on those weekends that don't include him because he is never available but that never sits well with him. I'm ok with just seeing him every other weekend for a day and a half for the next 4 years...he's not. We've been trying to do a dinner one evening during the week when we can.

Am I wrong for feeling that way? We've been together 6 years but maybe I'm not the partner he needs.

TDLR: I like my weekends to be stress free and spending weekends with him and his son tend not to be. Am I wrong for not wanting to spend the night over there when he has his kid?

Edit: I have no issues with the kid. It's just the environment on weekends there tend to be hectic and we can never really relax.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/John-Mulaneys-Wife on 2023-12-30 15:00:41+00:00.

Basically, I (25F) grew up independent because I had to, and I'm used to it (it's honestly fine, I'm not some martyr, just realised early on that I have myself to rely on and I'm at peace with that). However, now I'm finding people around me want to help me, but then actually really help me....but then I look like an arsehole for not being grateful for the gesture (even though it's half done, or inadvertently caused me more work). Fuck the gesture, just do it right or let me do it.

E.g. My mum said she'd drop me off at an appointment (amazing, thank you), but then decided to take a different route, saying she knew where I needed to be, and then got a bit lost, making me late.

She said she'd feed my cat, but then never changed his water or filled up his dry food. So, now I'm questioning how frequently he's had fresh water (sad face for baby cat).

I've been painting my living room alone, but my mum wanted to help. I'm happy without the help, but thought it would be a nice way to spend some time together. I laid down dustsheets all over, asked her to make sure the dust sheets were covering the floor properly (hard wood flooring that I don't want to damaged). She didn't, and now I have paint in the woodgrain of my floor - totally preventable had she been considerate of the dust sheets, like I asked.

It's not just my mum, I'm finding it generally in my life - I broke up with my ex earlier this year because I couldn't rely on him.

I understand how it can build relationships to let people do favours for you...but I don't want the favour if I could have done it myself without the extra hassle - I'd have been happy to paint it myself and not get any paint on the wood and not be resentful... But then I look like I'm trying to be a martyr, or like I have a stick up my arse and think I'm better than everyone.

I don't think I'm better than everyone, I'm just used to doing stuff by myself, for myself, and now I feel guilty that I struggle to be grateful for half a job.

I guess if it was anyone else, my mind would go to Marcus Aurelius:

"Be tolerant of others but strict with yourself."

I guess I'm struggling partly because it's my mum and I know it would make her happy to help me. If it was anyone else, I'd refuse their help and do what made me happy.

TL;DR my mum (and others, like my ex) are trying to help me, but half help me; I feel guilty for not grateful for whatever contribution they made.

How do I frame these situations in my mind to be a kinder person to loved ones around me?