The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Those of you in the states are missing out.

Laughing as they paraded down the street with a newfound sense of freedom, sources confirmed this week that a tight-knit group’s night out was made much more fun without their broke friend. “At first, I was a little bummed that Jen couldn’t make it out, but then I realized we could hit that fancy new cocktail bar and all get sushi afterward—we haven’t gotten sushi in forever,” said 29-year-old Sara Muller, noting that it was a lot easier for the friends to enjoy everything nightlife had to offer when they didn’t have to worry about whether their poorest pal had enough money to buy a round. [...]

A local man has gone and done it again, it can be confirmed today.

Berrick Watts (28) from the double garage metropolis of Betoota Heights has succumbed to the lure of downloading another app onto his phone.

“Yeah, they got me,” he laughed, referencing the popular pizza chain aptly named Pizza Hut.

“I’m adding a 5th swipe page on my phone for the apps,” continued the man who’s been promising to compartmentalise them for at least a couple of years now.

A local lesbian who doesn’t care about sports has determined that that is why she cannot find love and therefore she may as well just die.

Jesse Cameron, 33, came to the dire conclusion after yet another failed first date at a bar. “I was trying to talk to her about her childhood trauma, but she just kept yelling at the guys on TV playing baseball or soccer or whatever,” said Cameron, who yells at her own TV while watching The Ultimatum: Queer Love. When asked what game was on at the time, Cameron’s eyes glossed over like her cat’s after he had dental surgery.

Cameron has tried to show enthusiasm for her dates’ interests. “I even went with one to a Jays game, but as soon as she found out I didn’t order a veggie dog, she ditched me. Can’t win, so I guess I just walk into the sea now? How does this work?” [...]

If you’re a Swiftie, you no doubt have already heard the news: Taylor just posted that she is engaged, and eagle-eyed fans around the world are poring over the post for clues as to what this might mean. Here are three hidden easter eggs in her engagement post that prove she is planning on getting married. [...]

In an intense bout of insecurity and wariness toward his partner’s superficial focus, Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, 57, reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that the 23-year-old woman he was currently dating was only into him for his keen business acumen. “I’m trying not to let it get to me, but deep down I can’t help feeling she’s just like all the rest and only with me because she wants networking tips and access to my strong client base—a tale as old as time, really,” said the multimillionaire head of Summit Network Systems, expressing bitterness after dinner with the young office assistant, who he speculated was only seeing him as an excuse to pick his brain for financial advice and team leadership expertise. [...]

Despite losing the Democratic primary in June, Andrew Cuomo will be on the ballot this November as an independent candidate for New York City mayor. The Onion sat down with the former governor to discuss his campaign.

The Onion: How do you feel your campaign has been going so far?

Cuomo: I haven’t really been following it.

The Onion: What is your biggest political weakness?

Cuomo: Name recognition. [...]

Senior Republicans have finally thrown their weight behind gun reform after the latest school shooting was repositioned as 520-week enforced abortions.

Music critic Sophie McKennitt brutally lambasted her mother’s cooking during a recent visit home, according to stunned cousins.

“As a child who knew no better, I found my mother’s cooking to be adequate,” said McKennitt while downing kimchi in an effort to cleanse her palate. “It was utilitarian and bland, but served its purpose. However, after I moved out and got to experience all that global food culture had to offer, I was able to see my mom’s cooking for the tedious swill it is. Last night she made tuna noodle casserole, which was utterly pedestrian and uninspired. This woman thinks paprika is too adventurous. Her cooking fails to provide even the barest minimum in terms of flavor while contributing nothing to the greater culinary conversation. Do better, mom.” [...]

Tech industry billionaire Jared Banks recently dismissed fears over artificial intelligence disrupting the labor market by insisting that AI is "just a tool", while also himself being a massive tool. [...]

A seemingly harmless spider climbing up the wall of a local man’s apartment has been revealed to be a mini-boss with a massive health bar, arachnophobic sources confirm.

“I get spiders in my apartment from time to time, but never like this,” said apartment resident Shawn Johnson, 28. “I went to squash it with a flip-flop like usual, next thing I know I’m hearing Dark Orchestral music and seeing this big-ass health bar. I was even frozen in place for a second while it did a short, unskippable cinematic.” [...]

When Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his prison cell of an apparent suicide, it was a shocking security failure in many ways. One of the highest profile criminals in history had been left unattended by multiple guards while on suicide watch, security cameras covering his cell were shut off, and he was able to gather the materials in his cell to hang himself. But if you thought that was bad, wait until you hear this: Jeffrey Epstein has once again been discovered dead from yet another apparent suicide in his prison cell.

Once was bad enough, but letting this happen twice? Inexcusable. [...]

High-ranking officials in the Israeli Defense Force were alarmed by a report that the targeted bombing of a hospital killed 20, including five journalists, because they were under the impression they had already leveled every medical facility, sources confirmed.

“We thought we had taken care of all these hospitals months ago, I’m embarrassed that we allowed such a facility to stand for this long. To think that it was allowing people to deliver life-saving care to wounded individuals just makes me sick,” said IDF General Yaniv Salama. “I was hoping all the hospitals in the region would be reduced to rubble by now so we could focus our attention on primary schools, open-air markets, and places we labeled as ‘Designated Safe Zones.’ Thankfully we have plenty more artillery coming our way and the United States won’t let anyone stop us, so within the next few days you can expect the shelling to intensify so we can get that hospital count down to zero.” [...]

Approaching cautiously after waiting for an opportune moment to pose his question, Vice President JD Vance reportedly asked a National Guardsman patrolling the nation’s capital Monday if he could touch the man’s service rifle. “Sorry to bother you, sir—is that thing real?” Vance said to a newly armed member of the Ohio National Guard on a D.C. street corner, adding that he was “a little scared,” but if it wasn’t any trouble, he would also love to feel the weight of the private’s M4 rifle in his hands for a couple seconds. [...]

Singer/songwriter Belinda Carlisle officially retracted the eponymous claim of her 1987 hit “Heaven Is a Place on Earth” due to the myriad of current events that show the horrors of the world, sources report.

“I was young and naive when I wrote that song almost four decades ago,” Carlisle admitted. “Now that I’ve grown older and wiser, I of course have come to the conclusion that humanity has turned this planet into a completely irredeemable shithole. I mean, how could I not? Just this morning I walked past a man masturbating on the subway shortly after watching members of ICE tackle an 80-year-old woman as she was trying to enter a church, then I got home and saw a news report about how the world was on the brink of an irreversible climate disaster. How fucking stupid would I have to be to think heaven exists on this worthless rock?” [...]

Local ICE agent Mitch Holsen admitted he wept a few tears of joy after receiving an emotional letter from a kindergartner detailing how Holsen and other ICE agents destroyed her family and ruined her life, sources confirmed.

“Terrorizing marginalized communities is often a thankless job. There are a lot of elements to this job that most people don’t see. Every day I go back to the hotel I have to put ice on my knuckles to treat the swelling because I punched someone in the head the wrong way, and a lot of times the pepper spray I use to subdue an agua fresca street vendor sprays back in my face, and that shit hurts,” said Holsen. “But then I get a letter like this from a young girl named Maria who tells me how she misses her dad, and how her mom cries herself to sleep every single night and it makes me remember why I signed up for this job. I love to know that I’m making a difference and making the lives of people I’ve never met infinitely more nightmarish.” [...]

A mechanical engineer at SpaceX spontaneously exploded while quietly working on a CAD drawing, according to blood-spattered sources.

“The noise and spray of blood startled me a bit, but you get used to things blowing up when you’ve been here long enough,” said coworker Eileen Fletcher over several loud bangs in the background. “When I first started, my colleagues warned me that things around SpaceX have a tendency to just blow apart. Sure enough, in the first week, my stapler exploded. Then the coffee maker in our break room blew up. And then there are the rockets, of course—everyone’s used to seeing those go up in flames. This was the first time I’ve seen an actual person explode, but I guess it’s just par for the course around here. Now I barely even flinch.” [...]

Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. “That’s it. Tomorrow I’m buying a digital scale, and from now on I’m only using on weekends or after work if it was a super hard day,” said York, explaining that the close call had provided him with the clarity to realize he needed to do the hard work of finding a more trustworthy dealer instead of shooting up whatever sketchy back-alley stuff he could score. [...]

Popular rideshare app Uber announced a new feature that would match intoxicated riders with intoxicated drivers, confirmed sources who were already five beers deep.

“Our research has shown that what people truly want from a ridesharing app is a drinking buddy,” began market analyst Lauren Campos. [...]