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[New End of the Year Update]: I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me (old.reddit.com)

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-01-07 05:04:11+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Free_River_3388

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRUs: 1, 2, 3. 4, 5, 6

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

[New Update]: I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me

Editor’s Note: Removed the older relevant comments for more space in this post.

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, past abuse, mention of abortion, deadbeat father, coercion, weaponization of legal system, financial threats

RECAP

Original Post: January 28, 2024

I (F, 26) had an affair with a married man (M, 42) a few years ago. I had no clue he was married when we first met and hooked up. I obviously looked him up on social media and while he did have photos of his kids on there, there was absolutely no mention or photos of a wife at all. I found out that he was married about a month after we first got together, but he told me it was just a marriage on paper and that they basically lived separate lives and agreed to remain married for practical purposes until the kids were older. They owned a business, which she really ran and he was just financially involved in.

I knew at the time that I probably shouldn’t believe him, but I convinced myself it was true. I was in my early 20s and so attracted to him and I guess almost infatuated with him. He made me feel so good. I know now that I should have ended it immediately, but I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I was addicted to all of the attention he gave me, the great sex, the places he’d take me. I felt special. I was so naive.

I got pregnant about a year into seeing him. I had always been so careful with preventing pregnancy, but during my relationship with him I took stupid risks. I was so high in lust with this guy, it’s embarrassing. The things he’d asked me to do…I’d say yes to almost anything, even when I knew it was a bad idea.

I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I hadn’t intentionally wanted to get pregnant. I would of course dream about being his wife and having a family but I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility while he had this arrangement with his actual wife. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose with any intention of him leaving her for me, even if I wished that we could be a real, normal couple. I was surprised by how excited I was to be pregnant with his baby. I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant. The thought of carrying this baby of the man I loved was so special to me, but I knew he probably wouldn’t feel the same.

I told him I was pregnant and he told me I couldn’t keep the baby. I expected his reaction, but I was devastated and it hurt me to my core that he didn’t feel the same way I did. He offered to pay, to make a whole weekend of it somewhere exciting (wtf?) and to buy me something special if I’d just please get rid of the baby. He explained that he didn’t want any more kids and that he couldn’t openly be a father to another kid when he and his wife were still pretending to be happily married to the outside world.

I agreed to do what he wanted and we made plans for him to pick me up and find somewhere out of town to go get it done. I was all packed the night he was going to pick me up, but I started to feel really scared and really unsafe about the whole thing. I took my bag and checked myself into a hotel to hide because I couldn’t go with him. I texted him to say I promised to never contact him again and to never name him as the father or go after child support if he’d promise to leave me alone.

At first he tried to sweet talk me into doing what he wanted. When I didn’t cave in, he said some very nasty things to me and that I essentially better never contact him again or show up at his door.

I have a 2 year old now. At times, it’s been difficult, but overall we are thriving as best we can. I have kept my word about not naming his as the father or requesting child support.

His wife contacted me on social media. Well, she’s his ex-wife now. She wants to talk to me. She found out about me and told me that she divorced him 6 months ago. She wants her children to know their sibling and for my child to know his siblings. That’s weird to me.

I haven’t responded back to her yet. I am unsure about how to approach this. How to I respond to this? I wonder if I’m being selfish by not exploring an option for my child to know his siblings, if she’s being genuine about that. If I was married and my husband fathered a child outside of our marriage I don’t think I’d feel the same that she does.

Update #1: February 18, 2024 (three weeks later)

I made a post 3 weeks ago and things have only gotten stranger. I had an affair with a married man a few years ago. I regret it and I will never do anything like that ever again. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning, but he captivated me. I was naive. I allowed myself to believe when he told me they were pretty much just married on paper for the sake of their kids. I got pregnant and while he tried to talk me into getting an abortion I ultimately decided to keep the baby. I have a 2 year old little boy now. I promised this man that I wouldn’t expose our affair and I wouldn’t formally identify him as the father or request child support. I did that because he was becoming very nasty about the whole thing and I felt like due to the mess that I had created and the way I felt by the end of it, a clean break with no involvement with him would be the best thing for everyone. I moved back to where my family is, hundreds of miles from where he and his family live.

About a month ago his ex-wife reached out to me via social media, claiming they had been divorced for 6 months and that she wanted our children to be able to know each other. Now, their kids are teenagers, so I didn’t really think they’d want anything to do with the toddler and the woman their father was having an affair with. It seemed odd to me. After posting here, I sort of decided that I wouldn’t respond to her. I’d just ignore it. She just sent me the one message, so it wasn’t as if she was badgering me about talking to me or meeting me.

On Friday night I decided to message her. I don’t really know why. I think it was really just for my sake so I could have the chance to apologize to her. I told her that I would be more comfortable speaking with her face to face since I couldn’t trust that it was really her. She said she understood. I was too nervous to meet her in person, but we did a video chat. I didn’t know what to expect, if this was all a ploy just to unleash her fury on me or what. I mean, I’d deserve that. She wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way.

It was really her. She told me she discovered our affair when she found communications between the two of us, after our relationship had ended. She told me I’m one of many women he had affairs with over the years and she knew about somebody even before he met me, but she didn’t divorce him at the time. Finding out about my child was the final straw for her. I told her I was sorry for my relationship with her husband and admitted that I knew he was married. She graciously told me she forgives me and that while she harbored a lot of anger towards me initially, she ultimately blames her husband. I’m not blameless, but she chooses to not hate me, essentially. She said she couldn’t have said this 6 months ago or a year ago when she first found out about me, but she has moved past that. She still has anger toward him, in addition to many other emotions surrounding him. She started pouring out her heart to me about their 20+ year marriage and life together and it was very awkward because what do I even say?

Her kids know about me and my son. She says they’re very mad at their father. Somehow I don’t think they’re mad about the fact that he’s not involved with my son’s life. And why would they be mad about that? I would hate me if I were them.

I told her with my son being so little right now, I don’t really feel comfortable with him meeting her kids or being involved with their family. I feel unsure about it and it’s just not something I feel needs to happen right now.

Then she told me her ex husband was in a bad accident 2 months ago. He’s fine now, still not allowed to return to all his normal activities just yet, but will be fine. He is probably the most physically active person I’ve ever met, barely ever seems to sit down, so he must be terribly annoying to be around if he’s not allowed to go go go all the time. She told me he wants to meet my son. Apparently she moved back in with him temporarily when he first came home from the hospital. She said the accident really shook him up and he has been expressing a lot of regret about my son, not being involved, not providing for him.

So now it’s like was everything she said just a lie and he somehow got her to reach out ...

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[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

but only if it was completely genuine).

----NEW UPDATE---- End of Year Update + Everything is OK: December 22, 2024 (two months later)

I’m just posting a quick update because several people have reached out and expressed concern for me and my safety.

I’m fine. My son is fine. I appreciate that people were concerned. There just hasn’t been much change or reason to post an update since my last one, until very recently.

We continue to follow the same visitation schedule with my son’s father traveling here to visit. He hasn’t missed a visit, pays child support as ordered, and other than his pushiness things are going ok. My son is a lot more comfortable with him now and doesn’t hide behind me or stay silent the entire time, but I think it’s hard for him to grasp the concept of this guy being his dad. He’s just a nice guy who plays with him and brings him toys a few times a month.

Last weekend was one of his visitation weekends and he bought tickets for a Polar Express train ride. I had planned to do that when my son was maybe 4 or 5. I think 3 is a little young, but of course he’d already bought the tickets. The 3 of us went. I don’t really feel threatened by him but I also don’t feel comfortable letting him take my son somewhere alone yet. I didn’t have the best attitude going into it. I felt like I was kind of going against my will. We stayed in a nice hotel that was decked out for Christmas and part of a Poker Express package. I was worried he’d expect us all to share a room, but he got us separate rooms. The train ride was fun and my son enjoyed it. I don’t know that he cared about Santa, but he liked the cocoa, the jingle bell, and the pancake breakfast the next morning. He got cranky towards the end of the train ride but overall it was ok and I got a ton of really great pictures I’ll treasure forever.

Everything was going fine. It was a totally tolerable experience being there with my son’s father. I wasn’t focused on him. I was sort of able to ignore his presence to a degree. Then after we got back from the train ride he said he loved me and he’d give anything to be sleeping in the same bed as me that night. I told him I didn’t want to talk about that, that it’d ruin the entire weekend, and that we wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed. He said he doesn’t understand why I’m so resistant to him. I guess he thinks I can just easily forget the way he treated me and our son when I told him I wasn’t going to get an abortion. I told him I can’t get over what he said and did to me and he said “I didn’t mean it, that was years ago!” I refused to talk about it anymore, but I couldn’t resist asking him why he’s doing all of this. I still don’t understand why he decided to re-enter our lives. I do t buy that he suddenly had a totally non-selfish change of heart after he was in his accident. He said he just wants to be there for his son and I should be happy for our son to have a father. He also said he can give him so much and I selfishly want to prevent that because of my pride. He thinks the reason I won’t be with him again is because just because I’m stubborn and insist on resisting everything he could do to make my life better and happier.

So, the whole thing just ended in a sour note. We won’t see him again until January. He has really tried to talk to me since then. He has short, scheduled video calls with my son and he usually tries to get me to talk to him but he basically ignored me. I may just have my dad take my son for the next few visits. I know my dad won’t want to spend any time with my ex and my ex definitely won’t want to spend time with my dad, but I think it’d probably be for the best and would send a clear message.

Top Comment

Commenter: Thank you for the update! Here’s what I think, he is a charismatic man used to having what he wanted. He wanted you and his other life not disrupted. The day he threatened you.. was it a married man DDay syndrome? He was triggered by your pregnancy. The mask slipped, he would have said anything to “get you in line” to keep his perfect world intact, he was in a laser focused damage control, protect the bubble mode. What I don’t know about him, would it have escalated from just “say” anything.. to “do” anything (meaning physical harm) I don’t know. If the threats were to get over the immediate problem for him and in his mind knows they were words with no intention to actually harm but used just to get you in the car they will seem like no big deal to him, especially years later and since he lost his marriage anyway they’d mean even less to him. BUT my concern has always been even in best case scenario if that’s true, people move on and I believe he has one (or more) women in his life now. So is the interest in a physical relationship with you now genuine chemistry and residual from before or a first step in getting you (and more importantly his son) back to his State and his States court system where he has contacts to out lawyer you and keep your son in his State.

When you are with him are your feelings still there? I guess my advice would really depend on how you feel about him. We are all team River and little man.

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