Disclaimer: I am not diagnosed autistic and don’t officially self identify. The following is just an attempt at understanding the lived experience. Nevertheless I relate to a lot of the experiences of the community and I am researching autism, as much as my energy and time allows for quite some time now. Also my doctor is telling me to look into autism as a possibility. This post is not describing my experience as a whole, but one aspect.
I have a question for people on the spectrum (especially that have masked very heavily) and I am trying to find people that relate to the following:
Did you have problems with your self esteem/ confidence, when it comes to decisions that may involve other people? E.g. you ask a lot if it is ok to do something, like putting your shoes in the hallway in front of my room (this is in a shared apartment). Afterwards I question if I have asked too much and if that was necessary, but also feel guilty, when I don’t ask.
How to make any good decisions if the mask is so ingrained in oneself? I feel like I will never be myself again. I can’t hide myself anymore and I can’t not, if that makes sense.
I wanted to explain more but I don’t have the energy rn. I hope someone understands this. I don’t even know if I’m asking for help or just getting things out of my head…
Edit: The reason I am writing this is because I feel like I don't have the energy anymore and am starting to relive more and more of the experiences that I had when I was younger and wasn't accepted most of the time.
Edit2: I didn't know if the post fits in this community. If it doesn't, I'll delete it and post someplace else.
Yeah, I can relate to that. Lots of little social rules aren't obvious to me. Since getting diagnosed, I'm much easier on myself about those struggles though. Before, it was lots of confusion for reasons I didn't know.
I also relate to "I can't hide myself and I can't not." Getting diagnosed and finding out I've been masking my whole life, is a big "well who am I then?" lol. But it's ok.. we're all wearing masks when it comes down to it. It's just that autists' are a bit more "manufactured" to fit in with social norms. So.... whether you dx/identify as ASD or not, go easy on yourself, and don't overthink what others think of you (because nobody's judging you as much as it feels like it).
I hope that relates to your question a little bit...