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The media's portrayal of an insatiable sex drive for all men has negatively impacted some of my relationships (Women-only trans-inclusive community!) (piefed.blahaj.zone)

submitted 4 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I have had the experience that men are very often portrayed in western media as having an insatiable sex drive. Contrary to women in media who seem to make up excuses such as having a migraine to avoid sexual contact. This often creates imbalances in these fictional straight relationships.

Now I've had the other problem in the past. I've found that I've initiated sex quite often but I've also often been declined. Having this image in my head that men are the ones who should always be up for sex, this definitely used to affect my self-worth a lot. I thought I was the problem, that I was not attractive enough. Over the years I had struggled with adjusting my expectations.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I though it might be nice to see if others had a similar experience

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[–] [email protected] 18 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

I've been reading the book Come As You Are, and I really recommend it. The author explains that there are really two systems at work in sexual desire, essentially the accelerator and the brake. Things like seeing someone who is physically attractive, reading erotic fiction, or a nice, romantic dinner might press the accelerator, while performance anxiety, feeling like you or your partner needs a shower, feeling unsafe, etc. might press on the brake.

Furthermore, different people's accelerator and brake respond to different stimuli, and they respond with different sensitivity. So some people respond more strongly to brakes than accelerator, some respond more strongly to accelerator than brakes, and lots of people (about half) are somewhere close to the middle on both.

I personally have an accelerator a good bit more sensitive than my brakes, which sometimes makes me feel like my sex drive is careening out of control. My partner, comparatively, has more sensitive brakes, and their experience is often that they WANT to be aroused but aren't.

For me, just having a clearer picture of what is going on is empowering. I'm looking forward to reading more of the book, but it's already helped me understand that I'm not broken for wanting "too much" sex, and my partner's lack of arousal isn't because they aren't attracted to me.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago

That does sound like a very interesting perspective, I'll have to look into that book. Thanks!