The Onion

SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this guy doing?” said resident Felicity Truesdale, admitting she was at a loss to explain the presence of an individual outdoors who was dressed in casual clothing and, instead of holding a DoorDash or Grubhub bag, was completely empty-handed. “I don’t understand why he doesn’t go inside. He’s heading down the sidewalk at an ordinary pace—where could he possibly be going? I should probably call the police just to let them know. I assume that’s against the law.” At press time, Truesdale had reportedly decided to play it safe by evoking her state’s “stand your ground” law and shooting the man dead where he stood.