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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/Hour-Temporary-2406 on 2024-01-23 18:04:23+00:00.
This involves me, my friends “Aya” and “Zach.” We are all early 30s and have been friends since high school.
Aya was born in China. She was abandoned as a baby and nearly died in an orphanage before being adopted and raised by an American family. Aya considers herself American and is firm that due to her traumatic experience with China, she has no desire to “be Chinese” or explore the language and culture.
Zach is also Chinese and the son of wealthy business owners. He is very proud of his culture.
Background: A few years ago at dinner, Zach took Aya’s fork and knife and told her she needed to eat with chopsticks. I immediately stopped him and made him give her silverware back, wondering wtf that was about.
Later, Aya told me Zach had decided she needed to be “more Chinese” and was pressuring her to engage with Chinese language/culture. Zach apologized, Aya let it go.
Current situation: Aya asked me and Zach to help plan her wedding. Zach suggested Aya wear a qipao, have red as a wedding color, no white dress, serve Chinese food, etc.
I pulled Zach aside and told him Aya has been very clear she does not want a Chinese wedding, stop forcing it. Please just follow what Aya wants. Chinese culture is lovely, but this is not the time or place.
Aya was grateful and thanked me for reining Zach in, because she was having a hard time confronting him. Bridal party and most friends agreed.
However, Zach and some others are upset, saying Zach has the right to express his culture and make suggestions, Zach feels lonely and there are not a lot of other Chinese people around, Aya IS Chinese so not a big deal.
Now, I’m not anti-Chinese. Zach and I actually met in Chinese class and enjoy doing Chinese cultural things together. I am from a different culture myself. I know it’s hard. When Zach marries, I will support him having a Chinese wedding.
But Aya has trauma around her Chinese roots and considers herself American. She DOES NOT WANT Chinese traditions. I support Aya in having an American wedding.
I refused to apologize, and Zach is more upset. I understand Zach loves his culture but I don’t think he has the right to push it at Aya’s wedding. AITA?
EDIT: Sorry folks, I think I was unclear about it. Aya and Zach are not getting married to each other. Aya is marrying an American and Zach and I are just helping to plan the wedding.