/c/Vent: Vent about your life here

I'm about to start DoorDashing for more $$$ to buy things I don't need and also save for my apartment and I'm excited! I know I won't get thaaaaaat much but I need an excuse to ride around in this awesome weather! 🎉

I feel like everyone likes another fake personality instead of me. I'm a void. I'm nothing. Eventually they'll see that I'm nothing on the inside and I'd rather just disappear before that happens. I really give up. I think my boyfriend deserves a better woman but he's so set on me. I'm horrible. I hate that I love him. I deserve nothing. I should have just known my place and continued hiding myself from society. It's all so overwhelming.

I find myself alone now. Most of my family's dead, the ones who're alive are not the kind of people with whom I'd associate, my friends have turned out to be fool's gold, so all I have are my thoughts.

And I've realised that everyone I've ever met, except for two therapists, has tried to change me.

My family did their best to raise me as a soulless tool, existing solely for performance and to bolster my family's public image - I have been their greatest failure.

My friends have tried to shape me into what they wanted me to be, either a heartless dick, a thoughtless prick, or just a door mat. To them, I either feel too much, think too much, or just hold the wrong beliefs.

My exes have never tried to get to know the real me, not a single one. My latest ex started trying to change how I dress and see the world not even three months into dating.

And now I just can't bring myself to trust anyone. Every attempt at being open and vulnerable with people has ended up with them dragging mud all across my soul. I am terrified of people. I am terrified of even trying. And I'm terrified of this deep yearning for connection which has become a constant ache in my chest, because I've been around for thirty fucking years and I'm as alone as I've ever been.

Thanks for reading

I'm just done. I'm always going to be reduced to a disorder I don't have, and a skin color. I'll always be worse than every terrorist or extremist for wanting to be treated normally.

Everyone is against my fight for my own humanity. I give up on living in this society where my only purpose is to inspire all the people without disorders despite having no disorder, and to prove a point to racists who don't even know I exist that a black woman can accomplish things in the same world as all these black celebrities and successful people.

What more "proof" do they need, and why must I live a life of being used? There's no point in perpetually living like a "prestigious" child where every mundane accomplishment is broadcast to the world because I managed to do it despite being... what? Despite being what?

Literally saying a black person can't accomplish anything is racist, but being astonished and "inspired" when a black person accomplishes something isn't? Why is it so special if I accomplish something that wouldn't be noticed if a white person did it?

I give up on living as a circus animal to flaunt around for clout, for nothing in return. I give up on living.

I hate that one of them is interested in dating me and jokes often about me being his future wife. I like him a lot but I'm not good enough for him or worth anyone's time. I'm scum. I know he'd be sad if I died but I think he's better off without me. The others usually see me happy and would probably be shocked that I died. I probably shouldn't care since I wouldn't be there to see them sad. I don't know. Even though my life got much better 3 years ago, I don't see it improving any more than that. It'll go downhill if I don't cut my losses soon. I really give up on everything. I'll be a horrible wife and mother, worse than I already am as a friend and a person. I'm ruined beyond repair, end me

Another reason to kill myself. This shit is impossible to escape, like marijuana smoke and vape on a bus. Yeah I'm such a widdle pussy loser oh so sensitive to Adult Topics. I'm so sick of all adult media being death and porn, and everything else is cocomelon brainrot. Every fucking day living with FaMiLy is just constant screaming, choking, vomiting, crying, yelling, and all these sound effects to elicit anxiety 24/7. And at work some fucking tiktok addicted marijuana user wearing a leather jacket while working in a heated warehouse is playing the same stupid shit on a speaker when bone conduction headphones are permitted. Just fucking buy a pair of those for $20 instead of using a $100 brand name speaker to blast people pretending to die at everyone else. All TV and movies are just little kids stuff or watching people die. All user generated media is just cocomelon, porn, or gross "asmr" crap. All music is nursery rhymes or porn audiobooks. I'm sick of everything.

I can't just get rid of the other one since I've become so attached to her. We've been through all my suffering at the same time. But she's everything I'm not, that I wish I could have been: white, tall, masculine, creative, talented, and unattractive. I envy that someone like her doesn't have weed addicts and random people begging for her number. Anyone who would be her friend would actually like her for who she is and not her appearance or some shallow reason.

I would bring her creations to life as they are pretty cool and could probably make a lot of money but I can't be a "talented black person" again. I'd rather drink piss out of a Colored Only fountain than be "black excellence" all over again. Every hobby I did was "excellence" and I had to be filmed and displayed like a circus animal for something no one would care if a white person did.

So I feel conflicted, having actually created stuff despite the past, and being this gross alien thing whose work is So Special. There's no way I'd escape that crap. If I pretend to be white, someone would find out and expose me, and everything I created would be popular because a black woman made it. All criticism is dismissed and censored because it's racist white boys angry a black woman exists. Everything will be 5 stars and 10/10, and my games would be game of the year, solely because I'm a black woman and not a random normal game developer.

I would hate to die before having the chance to share her creations with the world but I can't be a black person who made something. I can't go through it again. And even if I ignored it, I'd still be letting her down by having her fandom only exist to infantilize a black person so they don't look racist.

As I see it, these are the options we now have at this moment, November 2024.

I won't be talking in terms of nations, or organisations, or even political groupings when I will use "we" in the subsequent meltdown, I use it to refer to the entirety of this species. In addition, I'm coming at this with a very limited knowledge base, but a 100% open mind. Please do correct or clarify absolutely any subsequent element, and I genuinely thank you for the truth!

As it stands right now, the situation's grim. We just lost America, and while America isn't the entire world, it's big enough for Trump to be a major dent for all of us, especially for the Left's chances of turning this whole dumpster fire around. At this point, American siblings, these are the only options left to us.

I'm Balkan. We replaced Communism/Socialism with corruption of such profundity, that with the settling blanket of Fascism, the only sane and safe option is to start from scratch here as well. I'm not even going to mention the regressive state of social politics in most countries around here, and the situation's clear.

The EU is fighting back hard, but it's already started to lean farther and farther Right as the more powerful members shift Right. I don't see much hope for the EU to become a Socialist Bastion any more than I expect Putin to retreat and pay for all damages tomorrow.

Speaking of Putin, that's plenty said about Putin. I am reticent in saying Russia, because so many people in that country don't even have room to form an opinion about what's happening. But seeing mounted Riot Police units trampling peaceful protesters in the opening days made everything clear.

China is becoming very scary. Many cat owners will understand what I mean when I say China's giving off the same vibe as a cat who's really had enough of your attention and is mentally preparing to sink some claws in you.

I don't know much about where Japan's looking nowadays, I shamefully admit, but I hope you guys aren't having too rough a go at it.

South America is unfolding as the political mess seeded by the CIA, and things will most likely only get harder and harder there as Trump advances.

Canada ain't doing too hot, either, from what I've read about things.

The UK is doing an award-worthy cosplay of 1984, but with way more racism.

Africa is pretty much at war with itself, thanks, gunrunners!

And then there's the genocidal elephant in the room... I... I don't even want to expand upon that, we all know exactly what's going on there, and if anyone says otherwise, then you're way ahead of me on the "swallow it all down" path. Bet it tastes like shit, you go ahead and enjoy that, though.

And to top it all off, the planet continues to burn. Yay.

So, yeah... What else is there? How much worse does it have to get? And what the fuck are we going to do about it? Yes, I'm asking you, wherever you are, you, the one who understands exactly what I'm saying and wants to see fairer days for absolutely everyone and everything alive around here.

What can I do when everyone - and I mean EVERYONE around me just wants to drown it all out and go to bed, only admitting the situation in those brief moments of pure awareness right before falling asleep, wishing the world would collapse after their eyes are closed and spare us of the need to look at the mess.

That's it. Can't elaborate.

I'm removing rust above the windshield and on both sides where the roof panel and side panels meet. I was hoping to finish in one day, but I spent all of yesterday on it, and I've been working since 7 AM today with still more to do tomorrow.

• Taking off the roof rack was a pain, and putting it back is going to be just as bad.
• The seam sealer on both sides was an absolute nightmare to grind off.
• I went through four rounds of grinding, applying rust converter, wiping it off, and repeating the process—yet there are still small spots of rust left, and I just can't be bothered anymore.
• It's near freezing, so I'm running a 3kW electric heater, which is going to cost a fortune.
• I didn’t do enough sanding, so now the line between the old and new paint is going to be visible.
• The antenna would've been a huge pain to remove, so I didn't and that’s probably where new rust will show up in a year or two.
• I also did a poor job masking before applying the zinc primer, so now I've made a mess I have to clean up.

I just hate it when you try to do a good job, but everything seems to go wrong. You get frustrated, start rushing, and make more mistakes, and in the end, you’re left with a sub-par finish that you'll probably have to redo in a few years because you didn’t do it properly the first time.

Am I sick or am I weak am I a prick or a dick maybe I'm a little bit of shit, with lots of treats are they sweet nah but they lit and I eat while I fit on my sabotage kit and lots of hits..goofies.

I think except for some all other mental illnesses were made up basing them on brain chemistry not stating the fact that they are normal mostly to make a business from the weak who would rather lie to themselves than accept they just lying.

Just deleted my Reddit account because of a couple reasons. One, I barely used it after the API pricing protests, and two, Reddit is allowing users' posts to be used as AI training data, which I find reprehensible for obvious reasons. I will admit that I feel pretty sad about it, though, because I made my account back before Reddit completely went down the shitter and was actually kinda decent. I hope more people use Lemmy or Kbin because it's feeling pretty lonely here in the Fediverse. Sorry this vent isn't particularly sad. I'm just kinda bummed about this is all.

P.S. obligatory fuck u/spez lololololol

When you post shit like this, you're damaging your own credibility, not his. You have $$$ and a staff! Do better!

https://lincolnproject.us/trumps-unhinged-press-conference/

Not all of your weird old shit is mid century modern. We all know you wrote that to get a click! Shut up!

This is my first time here. Is that how I'm supposed to vent?

I've got a 3 week-old newborn. During the day there are plenty of adorable moments and easy times. But it's the middle of the fucking night, he strategically waited until I was switching diapers to piss on me and all over, then was flailing his arms and pushing the bottle out of his mouth even though he was very hungry, then shit his GODDAMN BRAINS OUT while eating, then after I burped him and cleaned him up and got him in new clothes and swaddled and put him down, he fucking screamed until I picked him up again.

Like, I've given him everything his tiny little brain and body could need. That coupled with the strategic shitting and pissing to require the absolute maximum amount of work from me.

The vent here, I guess, is that I fucking hate this. I loved my life with my wife and now we have next to zero intimacy(not sex, obviously, but even our normal physical touch). We have zero time for each other, one is tending the baby, while the other is desperately trying to keep up with cleaning bottles and keeping the house passably clean and there is no time for anything.

I would never let any of what I just said affect how I interact with the baby, but I'm fucking sick of having literally zero independence and I miss my wife (her being in the same bed and next to me most of the day makes it worse somehow).

Fuck.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Check out The Oatmeal, they've got a comic about having kids that's painfully applicable.

People say lemmy isnt as toxic as reddit and while i feel thats partially true i also feel its partially not

if you have the best of intentions but the group or user circles dont think so then you are turned away

I recently shared a video in a post that in my opinion contains feedback that could be beneficial to open source, met with mostly hostility on that post when i only wanted to share that video to help open source

and then there is the toxicity of some groups on lemmy, im left wing because i think everyone should be equal and the world should be free from bigotry and intolerance but some of the left wing comments on lemmy read as toxic and i feel like I'm a person who wants better in the world but I'm excluded from other left wing people because of the toxicity

it makes me feel i have the be careful on lemmy with what i say and cant give good intentioned feedback or criticism to other users because it'll just be met with hostility if the group / user circle/s doesn't like it or be misinterpreted as an attack

all of that can feel very unwelcoming me at times

sorry if this doesn't come across as clear, its just that i suck at writing "high quality posts / comments" and i wanted to get emotion to text and vent

Firstly: I'm reasonably sure these women are just kvetching. I often say 'I'd rather drink piss' to express that I don't like something. Obviously I'm not actually going to drink piss.

Secondly...I do agree it's a bit much to compare men to a deadly 1200 pound predator. I would be a bit fed up of hearing that too if I were a guy.

Thirdly...that said...I understand WHY women say that even if it's a bit ridiculous. I've had a male friend completely turn on a dime and send me rape threats while drunk. I pleaded and tried to reason with him for about 20 minutes before I completely snapped and threatened to do things to him with a hunting knife that I won't detail because there's no need to make people vomit. Only then did he back off and switch to making excuses and blaming his autism. It was terrifying because there was no reasoning with him. He LIKED that I was frightened and freaked out. It gave him a pleasurable power rush. The only reason he backed off was the threat of said hunting knife.

A bear isn't malicious. A bear just wants to eat. A bear can be redirected or avoided. You can do things such as wear a bell or carry mace or put up an electric fence around a tent. A man isn't necessarily malicious but IF he is...those precautions won't do jack poopsies because he consciously knows the woman doesn't want it and LIKES the act of stomping on boundaries.

Yes it's currently 2024 but some memories resurface in my head sometimes and I finally want to write them down.

A quick refresher for you regarding the Bill Cosby scandal:

In the 1970s & 1980s he had a secret hobby of drugging & raping unwitting women, and it wasn't widely known about /prosecuted until 40-ish years later.

Now, before his scandal was discovered, you might recall he had a successful, much-loved, long-running sitcom on TV, the Cosby Show, in which he appointed his own character's profession as gynecologist, Doctor Huxtable.

In hindsight now, we can surmise that if Bill Cosby hadn't been an actor, his dream job would've been probing women's vaginas all day for a living.

(That's my first resurfaced latent memory, that his character Dr Huxtable was a gynecologist in that show, meanwhile IRL in his free time he was drugging & raping women)

Furthermore, several of his Cosby Show episodes showed that Dr Huxtable had a gynecology office IN HIS HOUSE, IN HIS BASEMENT where he would invite his gynecology patients into his house 😱

(That's my second resurfaced latent memory on this topic.)

Ladies, how inappropriate would it feel to have a gynecologist appointment AT YOUR GYNECOLOGIST'S HOUSE, and IN HIS BASEMENT??

And your gynecologist is BILL COSBY who drugs & rapes women⁉️

OML I just can't even.

Do you hear me? Literally during the years he was IRL drugging & raping unwitting women, he assigned himself a Hollywood role as a GYNECOLOGIST who had a gynecology office IN HIS HOUSE BASEMENT.

🤦‍♀️

One more detail while we're on this topic, In my own life in 1989 I was a 14-year old little girl, and in 1989 The Cosby Show was at the height of its popularity and everything seemed to be going fine in the Cosby Show realm.

Meanwhile, in Long Beach California I was scheduled for a surgical procedure and I opted for general anesthesia because the idea of being awake during my surgery was not appealing to me,

so as I was going under, my anesthesiologist was checking in with me to determine the moment I went unconscious, you know how they engage you in conversation so they can ascertain your level of consciousness. Well the last thing my anesthesiologist asked me before I went under was

"Do you like Bill Cosby?"

I had enough time to process the question while I was laying there about to be gassed, but not enough time to respond before I literally went under.

The way I mentally processed it before I had time to respond was, "well that's a random question but sure, Bill Cosby is a great guy, great show, upstanding citizen, on his TV show he portrays a good wholesome father and a professional doctor, Bill Cosby is also a stand-up comedian and he's written a couple books and my dad even has one of his books on his bookshelf, a birthday gift from one of his brothers, what's not to love? sure yeah I like Bill Cosby."

But that question that came out of left field from my anesthesiologist as I'm vulnerably trustingly laying on the table about to go unconscious, " Do you like Bill Cosby?" 

in retrospect has not only endured as a rather creepy vivid memory to me, but also leads me to speculate that my anesthesiologist may have been somehow aware of what Bill Cosby was up to in his free time even in the current year 1989,

and you know anesthesiologists have access to drugs that make people unconscious. and how vulnerable patients are when unconscious and completely in the care and at the mercy of their doctors.

It's all just very creepy to me in retrospect.

No, I'm not speculating that I was abused at any point during that process, there were many doctors there and I was in good care

but just the things I mentioned earlier are creepy enough.

TW: Homophobia, abuse

I work at a children's foster care organization that specializes in caring for kids who have experienced significant trauma. I'm somewhat acclimated to terrible parents.

As I walked by the front desk late this morning, the receptionist disgustedly thrust the phone towards me. On the other end was a woman asking if we are an orphanage, and if we can take her son. (This is not an unheard-of situation... Most of the time it's a stressed out parent using us as a threat to put their kid back on the straight and narrow.)

I answered as I usually do, giving her the referral hotline for social services. She immediately went ballistic, screaming and jostling the phone so that I could only hear every third word. But it was clear that the reason she was so upset is that she just found out her son is gay. She kept using the f****t word.

I had the receptionist, a resident, and a social worker all standing around watching, so I couldn't say what I wanted to. I was also in a bit of an adrenaline shock and nearly froze, but I gave the only answer I could muster... "Since you've chosen to use abusive language, I'm going to disconnect the call."

My vent is this: it's so easy to not be an abusive asshole. I hate living in a world where this person's vote counts the same as mine. I hate living in a world where people can be this hateful and aren't completely shunned from society.

My secondary vent is this: I wish I had a brain that didn't short circuit under stress, and that I would have thought to "play along" so that I could gather this woman's contact info and at least tried to help that poor boy.

Thank you for letting me vent. I don't feel better, but at least I feel like I've shared.

F***ing morons in the world! Everyone is so damn impatient that now when I am at at four way stop and turning and my ass end is still in the intersection the other car going straight already decides to take off instead of waiting a micro-second for the intersection to be clear. All sorts of scenarios can happen...a pedestrian could appear causing me to brake and then you would crash into the rear of my car. Stop being a moron and think! What the hell are you gonna' do when you get home a nano-second earlier?

I have been in and out of college several times and I've failed physics twice already. My entire life has been on hold for the past 10 years because I have most of a degree except for physics. So here I fucking am, taking physics as an older and more mature adult. Surely I'll be able to make it work just this once. But no. The lab professor is the biggest hardass I've ever seen and I'm not even completing the non-lab homework at a sustainable rate because they're being hardcore about that too. At a community college this time of all places.

If I had a time machine I would go back in time and tell myself to never go to college ever under any circumstances. Even going to las vegas and gambling all my money away would have been a better choice. Even throwing fistfuls of $100 bills out of an airplane would have been a smarter financial decision. Even working at Walmart where those 15 cent raises eventually add up over the course of 10 years would have been a more lucrative career path.

Tl;dr fuck society

I was trying to help a male friend with his depression and the entire conversation quickly switched over into him ranting about how awful women are and how we won't give him sex and how we just use men to provide things.

I tried sympathizing and he went on and on about how we're just ice cold harpies who don't care about men.

He complained that his cortisol was high and it was all caused by being single and women were killing him.

I lost it and said 'scoop your adrenal glands out with a spoon then'.

Ooooooops. I could have handled that a lot better.