The Internet in Ancient Times
Welcome to the stone age... or the bronze age... or the iron age... heck, anything with an 'age' is welcome, except our modern age or any ages to come.
This is about what the internet was like thousands of years ago back when it all started. Like when Darius the Great hired mercenaries via Craigslist or when Egypt invented emojis.
CODE OF LAWS
1 - Be civil. No name calling, no fighting, keep your flint hand axes inside your leather pouches at all times.
2 - Keep the AI stuff to a minimum. It gets annoying and old fashioned memes are more fun for everyone.
3 - None of this newfangled modern 21st century nonsense. We don't even know what "21st century" means.
4 - No porn/explicit content. The king is sensitive about these things.
5 - No lemmy.world TOS violations will be tolerated. So there.
6 - There is no ~~rule~~ law 6.
Laws of justice which Hammurabi, the wise king, established. A righteous law, and pious statute did he teach the land. Hammurabi, the protecting king am I. I have not withdrawn myself from the men, whom Bel gave to me, the rule over whom Marduk gave to me, I was not negligent, but I made them a peaceful abiding-place. I expounded all great difficulties, I made the light shine upon them. With the mighty weapons which Zamama and Ishtar entrusted to me, with the keen vision with which Ea endowed me, with the wisdom that Marduk gave me, I have uprooted the enemy above and below (in north and south), subdued the earth, brought prosperity to the land, guaranteed security to the inhabitants in their homes; a disturber was not permitted. The great gods have called me, I am the salvation-bearing shepherd, whose staff is straight, the good shadow that is spread over my city; on my breast I cherish the inhabitants of the land of Sumer and Akkad; in my shelter I have let them repose in peace; in my deep wisdom have I enclosed them. That the strong might not injure the weak, in order to protect the widows and orphans, I have in Babylon the city where Anu and Bel raise high their head, in E-Sagil, the Temple, whose foundations stand firm as heaven and earth, in order to bespeak justice in the land, to settle all disputes, and heal all injuries, set up these my precious words, written upon my memorial stone, before the image of me, as king of righteousness.
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I think the problem is that serfs don't understand just how hard it is to round them all up and march them to war against our neighbors who so disgustingly eat a different staple animal than we do and so should obviously be destroyed. And then there's all the work of trying to breed sons who'll live long enough to carry on the war. It's exhausting. You'd think they'd be grateful for all of the justice dispensing - I mean, we all agree it's so boring, but are they happy when we come up with creative solutions like cutting their children in half?? Of course not!
They just don't realize how good they have it. They don't have to constantly watch out for Grand Vizier Al Rashid, that slimey worm, constantly trying to poison my dates. I've gone through 8 food tasters this year alone! They don't have to deal with their nephew Bin Al Hazam scheming and plotting to take the throne, the little shit. I should just have him beheaded and be done with it, but then I'll never hear the end of it from my sister; kid's father's probably a barbarian, anyway.
I mean, seriously. All they have to worry about is rising before dawn, hand-plowing the fields until dusk, and maybe losing a kid to a lion. Which is actually a bonus because then we get to have a lion hunt! But no, it's all "wah, wah, who will now guide the plow while my wife and I pull?"
Hey, I've been meaning to ask - you up for another war? My economy's been a little in the slumps lately, and some pillage and rapine does wonders for moral.
I knew you'd understand. I can't go to war this weekend, I have to attend a few trials and executions (sigh), and you know how long it takes to draw-and-quarter someone or burn a witch at the stake, and a tax haul on Thursday, so Monday-Wednesday would make for a nice small war. Burn down a few huts, take some livestock, maybe even some treasure.
Tell me about it. So. Much. Work. Keeping society running is nonstop. Do you have a problem with peasant poachers in your Royal woods, too? That's, like, half my beheadings right there! And then the Church is always whining about all of the heretics that need to be burned; I swear, if I wasn't able to take wood from the serfs, I'd have no fires in my fireplaces this winter with all the witch burnings!
LOL if you think I've left the serfs any money to pillage, but - and you didn't hear this from me - the Abby in St. Saintsburgh has some really nice candlesticks - solid gold, I'm told. I'd have them myself if the Bishop weren't so popular. They've got a nice crop of pretty novices this year too, if you know what I mean.
I hear that Baron over on the South border has been giving you grief; how about I lay siege to his castle while you're "busy" at the Abby? Set us up for a good excuse for next time, get rid of some thorns, restock the royal treasuries, and plausible deniability to keep the nobles & church quiet? Win-win!
M-W looks good on my calendar. Wife's due to give birth that week, but even odds she won't survive it anyway so I don't need to be here.
Yeah, all they need is a tiny fire to keep their huts warm, they'll never understand how hard it is to keep the entire castle warmed up. Your plan sounds pretty good, and may your next child be a son. If she dies, my eldest daughter is still whining that I haven't arranged her marriage yet, so maybe I might finally get her off my back.
Sounds good. If it's a boy, we can marry them in about 5 years.
What's her dowry look like?
Well, I'm not really set on the dowry yet, but I've got a few spare farms (serfs included), plenty of cattle, and the rest we can discuss on Wednesday after a good day of war.