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What is a fair way to split costs when my girlfriend moves in? (I own the apartment) (lemm.ee)

submitted 3 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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My girlfriend and I are planning to move in together in ~3 months.

I own a small apartment in Amsterdam, my mortgage, heating, water and electricity is about 2000 Euro a month, and I earn 30% more than she does.

Some context: Amsterdam is damn expensive and in an housing crisis, since living here she's been paying about 1000/m to rent a room. Both of us earn quite well and money isn't tight

What is a fair way to split costs? I've heard everything from she should live here for free because I was paying for everything anyway to we should split everything 50/50, and I'm not sure what is fair.

I don't think 50/50 is fair, because the way I see it, I'm going to get back a fair amount of the money I pay to my mortgage when I sell the apartment.

So what is fair? My gut feeling is something like we split the heating, electricity, groceries etc. 50/50. And she pays say 500 Euro a month for living here (less than half what she's used to paying in rent)

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 days ago (2 children)

A relationship is built on trust. You are not room mates. Invite her to move in with no expectations, and let her decide how she wants to contribute.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 days ago

I'd agree the sentiment that you're partners, not room mates, though even partners split (or share) things like costs, housework, etc. I'd suggest something like you pay your mortgage and both of you split utilities... or maybe you pay mortgage and she pays utilities, whatever seems fair to both of you. But I wouldn't have her pay me money directly, IDK why but it feels a bit off.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago (1 children)

So in a relationship the party that moves into the others home can decide how much they will contribute? What's the rationale here?

[–] howrar 3 points 3 days ago (1 children)

It gives you an early signal that the relationship won't work out if the other party decides to contribute nothing for no reason other than to have their cake and eat it too.

I'm of the belief that when it comes to relationships, if you're thinking about it transactionally, then you're doing things wrong. As long as being together is a net positive for both parties, then it doesn't matter if one contributes more than the other.

On a more pragmatic note, you can contribute a lot through non-financial means and these are difficult to quantify, so it's simply not worth the effort to do that kind of bean counting. If you don't feel that they're pulling their weight, then you talk about it and make some adjustments.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 days ago

I wouldn’t call them moving in and after a while realizing they are not contributing an early signal. You know what would be? Talking about it up front and coming to an agreement. Whether it be financial or otherwise.

And this has nothing to do with a relationship being transactional. In fact it’s the opposite because then the relationship will not be one person providing for two people and the other person providing a relationship in return.