The Onion

(Cut and Shoot, Texas) As locals grieve and rescuers continue to recovery bodies, FEMA acting Director David Richardson told reporters this morning that he is deploying 600,000 prayers to the region, some sourced directly from local communities around the flood.

“We grieve with the residents of Texas, as the nation grieves. These prayers are a sign of our commitment, to letting the region recover on their own strength, without the meddlesome interference of the federal government.”

Richardson displayed a table of special votive candles created specifically for the event, depicting hundreds of crosses along a swollen river. “Those aren’t free,” he admonished a bystander who examined one. “These candles are a part of the recovery effort, and the president’s office assures me these are “the best candles, the very best,” and that a portion of the proceeds from each candle will go to reliefs efforts. They also clip onto a body bag, which is helpful given the tragedy we experienced this week.”

When asked when a permanent Director would be appointed to FEMA, given that we are one month into hurricane season, Richardson was optimistic. “Yesterday, the president tweeted my first name and said I was amazing, so I feel confident I will be confirmed before hurricane season ends.” He showed reporters the tweet, noting, “see that’s my name, and he mentions Texas. Anyway, who wants a candle?”

Ted Cruz could not be reached in Greece for comment.