bradorsomething

(Washington D.C.) As cabinet and staff positions are filled in the new administration, emphasis is being taken to highlight how representative of America this cabinet is. But less emphasis has been given of late: the White House has been facing recent allegations that - while the major advisors do represent the diversity of America - the cabinet and staff might represent the wrong parts of America, and this realization is slowly settling on the largely, some would say mostly, white straight male truck owning voters that make up the core of the president’s support.

“Did I hear one of them is gay,” asked Leo Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Oklahoma. “I’m pretty sure someone said one of them was gay. I already got a lot of guys I know talking about how trump said they was gay, and buying up Bud Light like it was on sale, so I don’t like hearin’ about that gay guy.”

Sturbgetter refers to Richard Grinell, the experienced former acting director of the Department of National Intelligence and its newly appointed, homosexual Director. His concern was evident when the Director’s sexual preference was confirmed.

“It ain’t right,” he murmured. “It ain’t right.”

Leo’s concern has the attention of the White House, which has found its ability to laud the white male members limited. Republicans in the senate, asking not to be named, agree. “Rubio isn’t white… Noem, Stefanik and Gabbard are women… sure you can count Gaetz twice if you count his user name on Seeking.com, but that’s a lot of diversity right next to the president.”

Republicans, many convinced that diversity has damaged American’s reputation as a melting pot, call on the president to take charge and begin replacing cabinet members with people that look like them. “I know he can do better than Robert Kennedy,” said one trump voter. “First of all, Kennedy. The moon landing was fake. Second, he is trying to look red in all his photos, which is mocking the president’s orange. ROY G BIV… get back down the rainbow and choose a color that goes after our commander and chief.”

“Rainbow,” he muttered. “Man, it goes all the way to the top.”

But disjointed though the disturbed ranting of these voters may be, they still represent a strong part of the president’s base. Calls for increased representation are being heard, and beginning to be addressed. A special commission is being called by Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, to evaluate every straight white male in government, as potential candidates for filling any openings that become available.

Requests for comment on the excess diversity in the White House were not returned by Communications Director Cheung.

As trump completes his second week in office, new outlets continue to report on his bungled handling of a collision between a passenger jet and military Black Hawk. And this has America’s adversaries around the world nervous.

“I have to be missing someone we paid off,” said one Iranian official on condition of anonymity. “Do we have a speech guy, or a teleprompter guy? Do we need to send a bribe payment there?” The negative response from his staff left him disheartened. “Can we anyway,” he asked. “I’m getting a medal for this.”

This sentiment is reflected throughout America’s competitors around the globe, as intelligence agencies scramble to find out who they owe money for this flaming train wreck of ineptitude. A mid-level Chinese intelligence officer expressed his frustration. “They cut off all government grants,” he complained. “All of them. I have American researchers calling the Chinese government with papers ready to publish asking for funding.”

“I went to school for ten years learning espionage. This is like throwing babies into a shark tank. [ed. note - translation kept as appropriate]” he sighed. “Oh god, they’re starting a trade war with Columbia. I never thought I’d see my job outsourced to the US Government like this.”

And that’s a concern many former intelligence officers are noting. Much like the peace dividend of the fall of the Soviet Union decreased military spending in the West, there is the danger of a “stupid dividend” causing similar atrophy in America’s adversaries.

“I have guys in the office wearing “Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wound to America” tshirts at the office now,” said the Iranian Intelligence officer, “but they won’t be laughing when they lose their jobs.” He handed us all $10,000 each. “Here, keep reporting exactly what your government is doing to itself, but make it clear I told you to.”

The president could not be reached from his video golf game for comment.

(Washington, DC) It has been a lightning 10 days for the trump administration, as policy changes are rippling through government with a clear mandate to end what republicans view as preferential treatment of gays, transexuals, and minorities. And as these measures play out, a large number of shocked conservatives are finding that these measures, intended to hurt the groups they fear, are having immediate effects on them and their families.

“I’m 32, I work out every day, I have a wife and 3 kids,” said one midwestern man. “I drive a truck, and that tattoo right there is on installments. But I was employed 8 months at a federal job, and now I’m looking to be furloughed if not straight out fired. We were supposed to be hurting the gays. Am I gay? Is president trump telling me I’m gay? I’m confused, man.”

This confusion is becoming widespread, as virile men and strong women around the US come to terms with the challenging fact that policies they felt would hurt these specific groups are targeting them. “I suppose I could wear a dress,” said one North Dakota solar installer laid off due to proposed tariffs. “Maybe something that shows off my heels, assuming I wore heels. Man, this is confusing… I just can’t believe I’m gay. Maybe I can start in a flannel dress and go from there? When trump said he was going to start a movement, I kinda thought he just meant bigger mud flaps, not awakening things in me.”

But not all groups are despondent with the new changes. Baron Quaydal, a gay business owner in Cincinnati, sees some good in the changes. “There used to be a stigma about judging by sexual orientation, but the new administration took all this away. I’ve fired all my straight employees and a few of the bisexual low performers. Even Keith,” he sighed. “Man that’s one rehire I’d like to make, if you catch my meaning.”

“At least I know my taxes are going down,” he noted.

Social scholars, many now concerned for their jobs, have a wry - some would say sarcastic - take on the confusion. “Yep,” said one. “Gay gay gay. You’re all gay, and the sooner you catch on, the sooner you can say ‘I love president trump’ with your whole heart.”

(Washington DC) As trump enters the second week of office, issuing executive orders en masse that caused sweeping changes to the political landscape, republican leaders are becoming concerned that fear among their electorate is approaching lows not seen in four years. Lawmakers are apprehensive, as push button issues appear to be addressed by gross overreaches of power, greatly reducing the anxiety of republican voters.

“Last week,” said one aide who asked not to be named, “you could say DEI or immigrant drug pedophile, and have a turkey elected as governor of a red state. Now, although nothing has really changed, it appears to have changed… which is the worse thing we could possibly face.”

“I think we won,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Arkansas. “All that DEI is gone, trump said so. It even snowed last week. Take that, global warming.”

Signs of weakening in the power of fear are apparent in state politics, as Ron DeSantis faced pushback from his immigrant crisis special session of state government, which instead gabbled his session closed and discussed reasonable steps to meet immigrant issues in the state. “You wouldn’t see this under Biden,” the afore-mentioned aide stated. “Two weeks ago they would have barricaded the doors in case an immigrant might wander in during session. The tension is leaving the room, and with this, reasonable legislation might be a possibility.”

With paranoia that democrats would attempt to steal their idea of attacking the free transition of power fading, and an electorate so unaware how the legal process of overturning executive overreach works that they could not finish this sentence out loud, republicans are facing the worst possible circumstance as a party of opposition - the illusion of victory. “We won,” Loe Sturbgetter reiterated. “Soon eggs are gonna be cheaper than water at Walmart.”

“Republicans can only hope the democrats champion some issue soon that they can complain about,” said one legal scholar, “or there is a possibility the voting base may realize they’re been fooled. Championing the Second Amendment is only a successful strategy if the party is looking outside in fear, rather than inside in anger.”

The president could not be reached from his golf course for comment.

(Sevastopol, Ukraine) As the Fed watches carefully for signs of inflation and unions continue to fight for higher wages, the US economy has seen a new face on the hiring line - russian agents are actively calling for US workers in temporary positions, as many as 400,000.

Representatives for Worksource, Insight, ShortStaf, and many other hiring agencies around the US have been contacted to fill the order, and economists predict the pressure to fill these positions will be felt among competitors trying to fill minimum wage openings. Russia, not usually seen as a hiring choice in America, seems eager to fill positions (at minimum wage), offering free uniforms, short training periods before full employment, and lifetime health coverage for many positions. Fast food chains and other low wage employers are feeling the competition already.

“This is exciting,” said 63 year-old Peggy Bammer, of Tuscaloosa. “I’ve been stuck working at the Penny Mart for three years, I ain’t never had benefits. These russian guys say as long as I follow orders, I can probably work there the rest of my life. They were nice, they kind of laughed when I said I wasn’t used to seeing much snow [Ed. - referring to the Jan 2025 show storms in the SouthEast]. I can’t wait to see the front positions they keep referring to.”

Opposition is light among those normally hostile to russia in the US, too. As one policy expert stated, “I see this as a net win, as long as those who carefully examine the offer decide if they really want to take it. But if you believe this is for you, please go. This could lead to a strong demographic swing in the US… because these people will be so thoroughly taken care of, I mean.”

(Fort Worth, Texas) On a day where hundreds of criminals have been given a free pass, one imprisoned conservative law-breaker, Joe Exotic, is hoping to also cash in on the new president’s sweeping clemency with a request of his own. Exotic, who was convicted of multiple attempts of murder-for-hire against his fellow tiger “conservator” Carol Baskins, has a message for president trump: free me, and I will immediately attack the foundations of democracy.

The pledge is drawing mixed reviews from his fellow republicans. “I don’t think you can just promise to attack democracy and get a pass,” said Lowby Prucker, a self-proclaimed republican activist. “These men… and maybe women, I don’t keep track of that… they already stood up and said ‘no’ when America tried to follow the constitution [on January 6th]. They risked getting arrested and went to jail. Now that everybody knows there’s no consequences, of course some people will claim they’ll do it.”

“Maybe if he said he’d ride a tiger into congress,” he added. “That would be pretty sweet.”

That sentiment was shared by republican lawmakers as well. “Now that Lowby mentioned it on his podcast, I think a tiger on the capital steps would be awesome,” said one GOP lawmaker who requested not to be named. “Letting an out-of-control creature loose in government is very on-message for our plans for the next 4 years. However, I don’t think trump will go for it… I mean maybe if it chases Nancy Pelosi… but trump is as likely to pardon the tiger as Joe. Also, Joe Exotic and Joe Biden have the same first name. You have to be around trump to understand why that’s a bad thing.”

Law scholars agree that with this being a Federal conviction, the ball rests squarely in trump’s hands. But as of Wednesday, Exotic remains caged like a… man that likes tigers.

(Helsinki, Finland) It has been a banner year for evil corporations slowly squeezing humanity for every last drop of profit. With trains derailing, ships hitting critical infrastructure, oil spills and fires, global warfare, and ongoing opioid problems, the dramatic end to a functioning society seems closer every day, as every facet of life seeks monetization. And every year, one industry stands out more evil than them all, and this year, oil execs say, it is going to them.

“We’ve definitely seen the attention healthcare is getting,” said one oil executive, slipping into his baby-sea-otter-skinned jacked before a gala. “You have to admit, everyone hates health care… even we in petroleum. But while they are evil… who isn’t… oil has a deep-seated hatred in the world’s psyche that deserves recognition.”

The ‘Most Hated Industry’ Awards, or “the Haties” (not to be confused with the country destroyed by poverty), is recognition that one sector is out-crushing everyone when it comes to weighing down the human soul. Oil, a perennial favorite, feels this is their time again, and they’re not afraid to brag. “We’ve had several tankers sink this year, and spill, some in the last few months. Oh sure, people don’t cry as much when each bird covered with oil dies, now a day, but we’re making it up with volume. Do you like the price you pay at the pump? Too bad. I did this, not some peasant in the White House. Our private ballroom is called Club Baby Seal. You can’t deny true hatred.”

But some experts disagree that oil is the black spot in people’s heart it used to be. Researchers at the Nestle Institute of Greater Evil find that Health Insurance and Big Pharma are the most often loathed in recent polls. “We know people would gladly shoot at oil executives if they had the chance, but you can tell from recent events that maybe oil is slipping, pardon the pun, behind other aspects of life that make it feel dull and meaningless.”

Oil executives, of course, disagree. “We don’t like to brag, but some pretty big chunks of ice are falling into the ocean right now. Sure, maybe we convinced republicans that climate change isn’t real, but that knowledge among liberals should double their hate of us, if not more.” He laughed nervously, “as long as they vote!”

(Wilmington, Delaware) - After a hard two weeks of soul-searching, American Healthcare Executives say they have learned from recent events, and they’re ready to make changes.

“This is horrible,” said one executive who asked not to be named. “Not only was a man killed in the streets - a father - but the reaction of many people was excitement and jokes about his death.” This sounds a common sentiment among healthcare executives in American following the recent shooting: they are ready to make a change.

“We are already rolling out new policies, to respond to some of the concerns we are hearing in this national conversation,” wrote another executive in an email who wishes to go unnamed. “We are changing how we look at healthcare, and we are excited to reduce the amount of evil we bring to the world by three… and sometimes up to six percent… in order to no longer be shot in the streets like dogs.”

Policy changes will begin immediately. “In some cases, we used to deny cancer treatment for a mother of six over a certain cost threshold,” said an anonymous claims adjuster. “That has totally ended. In most cases now we will only deny a mother of three, or four if they seem like a pushover, and in most cases even then we will start treatment if they’re persistent, within 3 years.”

“Of course the father is still toast,” she added.

Changes like these are not going over well on Wall Street, where earnings numbers play a large part in the value of health stocks. Numbers were mixed as traders sought to determine how less evil might impact their portfolios.

But some in the industry are concerned what turning over a new leaf could mean in the longer turn. “Mike,” a security consultant who did now want to give his last name, worries if Americans will see through what experts call ‘just enough pandering to not be insulting,’ and the effect it will have on his career. “I just got a $30,000 raise, and a $10,000 bonus. The CEO looked me in the eye and shook my hand, and his wife took all our wives for spa treatments. I’m getting sniper rifle training, we all are.”

“If that fear goes away, what happens to the benefits I receive from other people being denied them? I know I’m not the boss here, but I am important, and I would hope they remember not to treat their security staff like they would a customer.”

I was thinking about crazy optimizations today and I’m surprised we don’t hear more people talk about this combo. A cleric that can cast lvl 3 spells can concentrate on spirit guardians and wild shape, and by becoming a large creature you can create a 40 ft field of fast moving justice taking the dodge action - that include spider forms, which allows ceiling walking to create the disco ball of death moving around a room out of melee reach.

I’m surprised I’ve never seen this build being abused.

I play with a group where we love to help out the DM with adventures; this is a batch of dragonoids I’m printing for our combats in a 5e Dragonlance campaign.

I print them, another player paints them, we all benefit from adding to the realism with 3D models. As a DM I love it when players help add to the realism of the game, and our DM trusts us not to push too much but to help if asked.

Just wanted to throw out this slice of gaming life in case it sparks ideas for anyone. Printing minis, building terrain, helping with play lists.. this can all help make the DM job easier and make a better game experience for everyone.

Or buy pizza. No one minds if you buy pizza.