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The original was posted on /r/amitheasshole by /u/throwawaybripart on 2024-01-23 00:45:43+00:00.
My son J (M25) is engaged to a woman D (F24/25). In D’s culture it’s traditional for the mother-in-law (me) to throw a party for the bride. J said to me that he’d really appreciate it if I did so and it would “make D feel like part of the family”. The issue I have with this is threefold. First of all, D’s mother is already throwing her a bridal shower. Throwing her a second one would just be repetitive. Second of all, J and I are not even part of D’s culture, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking part in activities like that for risk of offending or appropriating her culture. Third of all, and this is where I fear I’ll come across as an asshole, D isn’t part of the family, not until she and my son are wed. So it feels wrong to me to celebrate her as a family member when, let’s be honest, she isn’t.
I laid this all out to J, who had basically no reaction at first. He just sat and listened for my reasons. Afterwards he shrugged and went “alright then”. This conversation happened a couple weeks ago, and since then he’s been avoiding me. Even when we talk things are stiff. I figured he was upset about something I said during that talk so we talked about it last night. I asked him how he felt about what I said and whether I upset him. I’m paraphrasing he essentially said that he wasn’t surprised, but just disappointed.
He said that he wasn’t surprised because my husband and I never threw him parties, we never celebrated his achievements or anything and it was disappointing to hear that that extended to D as well. I was kind of struck dumb by this because yes, my husband and I are not celebratory people by nature, but we always showed him to the best of our ability that we loved him. To that end I said I’d be willing to compromise in a way, and said that after the wedding and their honeymoon I’d love to take D out to lunch or dinner with my friends and just get some girl time with her.
He was very upset by now and said that that wasn’t what this is about and stormed off. Whatever civility we’ve had before is gone now. I truly feel like I’ve extended an olive branch and he’s swatting it away. AITA for this?