this post was submitted on 04 Jul 2022

5 points (64.7% liked)

Asklemmy

49196 readers

412 users here now

A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions

Search asklemmy 🔍

If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!

Open-ended question
Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
An actual topic of discussion

Looking for support?

Looking for a community?

Lemmyverse: community search
sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
[email protected]: a community for finding communities

~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~

founded 6 years ago

MODERATORS

[email protected]

When do you miss your ex? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 3 years ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

32 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Me - when I'm lonely.

all 35 comments

sorted by: hot top controversial new old

[+] [email protected] 13 points 3 years ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

[deleted]

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 years ago (2 children)

idea of the person

Hey you actually noticed this too! In general, a lot of people love their idea of person the rather than the real person. Which i've been wondering about a lot lately. Any musing on how to tell if you're in love with your perception of a person rather than the actual person?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 years ago (2 children)

Any musing on how to tell if you’re in love with your perception of a person rather than the actual person?

Write down the specific things you miss, and then ask yourself whether you'd miss any person who did those things or had those traits.

I think it's entirely reasonable to miss both, and in fact very natural. In many cases you're grieving what's absent from your life now that they are gone - the presence they brought into your life, the people they introduced you to, the things you did together, the way they made you feel, etc.

Another good exercise is to look at what they brought to your life and ask yourself whether any of the rest of your social network can provide these things or currently does. This can be a good way to find out where you can strive to grow your life. If they were the only person you could go to with difficult feelings, you should probably branch out and look for other people who can fulfill the same role even if they don't fulfill it in exactly the same capacity. If you're monogamous there are things which only your partner will be able to provide, but you should try and abstract ideas like physical touch from sex because both are important and they potentiate each other.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Interesting story the other day, a male and female friend did something independently that I found cute. I didn't tell either of them that it's cute. For the male - didn't want to offend him by saying X was cute. For the female, didn't want her to think I'm hitting on her.

A few years ago I offended a male friend by saying something along those lines.

Honestly, feel slightly bad to have to check my speech and I def didn't check myself with the ex. I could try talking with these friends about this but uhh I don't know how to bring it up, specifically around the male.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 years ago

I typically ask people what words to use or avoid with them when complimenting and follow it up with "such as cute or handsome" because it tends to get the point across when it comes to gendered language. People have hangups for many valid reasons and I want people to receive language in the way they desire.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 years ago* (last edited 3 years ago) (1 children)

Write down the specific things you miss, and then ask yourself whether you’d miss any person who did those things or had those traits.

I knew I had no standards before but writing them out really emphasizes that feeling. I got: 1. just the company of having someone around even if we're not talking, 2. ample eye contact, 3. things like holding hands or even just sitting shoulder to shoulder.

I'm het dude and have been having a a good time with dudes, which I guess is because it's pretty easy to have 1 and 2 met.

Thinking about it, I think I've had better friendships with women. With men, I suspect some degree of machoism might make them do stuff like less eye contact? Which might explain my findings.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Have you considered seeking these kinds of behavior out from people whom you are not dating? I understand that the fact you are dating may make you feel differently about these particular acts, but getting regular bodily contact with people you enjoy spending time with may make it easier to deal with not having a partner and help you move on from your ex.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Have you considered seeking these kinds of behavior out from people whom you are not dating?

Yeah I'm open to that. But not sure where to begin with that that isn't what I'm already doing

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 years ago (1 children)

While it may seem weird to ask since you've never asked your friends about it before, you might want to start by asking them. Like if you feel compelled to sit next to someone you could ask if its okay to sit next to them. You could ask your friends if its okay to cuddle. I regularly ask people if I can lay my head down in their lap, because I enjoy that particular dynamic. I understand for societal and internalized reasons why you might not want to do this with people of certain genders, but I would ask you to challenge these assumptions with the people you know and love. However, if you're too uncomfortable with this idea to put it into practice with your existing friend group, you could seek out friends for which this is a dynamic you are looking for. You might be surprised how many people out there are explicitly okay with and seeking for this kind of behavior from their friends. It might help to explicitly seek out queer friend groups as they tend to be much more okay with and display this kind of affectionate behavior more often.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 years ago (1 children)

It might help to explicitly seek out queer friend groups as they tend to be much more okay with and display this kind of affectionate behavior more often.

Yeah i have noticed this! One gay male acquintance would say uhh compliments / excessively nice statements to me (read: strange to hetero culture over here) I didn't really know what was going on and just assumed the guy thought i was good looking or smthg but i didn't mind since he wasn't sleezy about it.

You could ask your friends if its okay to cuddle.

Similarly, 2 bi acquintances said they'd cuddle naked and shower and stuff and I had absolutely 0 idea what they were going on about, bc apparently they weren't interested in the other and that 404 errorred me so probably just nodded my head and maybe threw out an active listening statement. Personally, that'd be way to much for me circa 2022.

Female friends did wayyy more affectionate stuff with each other then us lads. I always felt it was lame af of us lads. Like my exgf would dance with a male friend's gf, leaving us with, uhh, nothing to do for like a few mins. When the gfs would initiate dancing with each other, i'd sorta look over at the dude and try to feel out if he wanted to dance together or something, but nada.

I regularly ask people if I can lay my head down in their lap, because I enjoy that particular dynamic.

Wow crazy, this would have Never had crossed my mind! What gender and sexuality are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm cishetman.

I've noticed with a few males i suspected were gay that they'd be less friendly with het males then women. I figured they were concerned i'm douchbag or had worse experiences with het men so i didn't mind much. But doesn't exactly make it easy for me to talk to them.

Now that i'm a poor adult, i don't even know how to meet people my age outside of like work. Which is largely due to poverty and my time away from work is spent trying to save money to afford rent. Ex having to walk everywhere takes a while. (Okay, i do know how to meet people... I mett some cool people now and then but very rarely get a chance to follow up on it)

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Personally, that’d be way to much for me circa 2022.

That's totally okay, sometimes it can take a long time to undo what we've internalized from the experiences we've had and the culture we grew up in. For most people who grow up in male society, not being physically close with others is reinforced many, many ways. The old thought was that this kind of behavior was 'gay' and thus ostracized. Today many are embracing (quite literally) the idea that it's healthy and okay, but it's a very slow change and surrounding yourself with people who have a different set of values which reflect addressing your needs can help to accelerate your comfort with this kind of behavior.

i’d sorta look over at the dude and try to feel out if he wanted to dance together or something, but nada.

He probably grew up in a very similar environment to you. How often do you see two men dancing with each other at the club? More today than 10 years ago, certainly, but much less often than two women. This is the power of societal reinforcement. Unfortunately it means many other men may be unwilling to participate in physical bonding (well, at least in this case... physical bonding seems to be a lot more common when it comes to sports - celebrating scoring points and good plays, slapping each other's asses, etc.) and you may need to turn your attention to queer spaces which are more affectionate in this manner or towards women who are okay with this. Unfortunately many women will not be physically affectionate with men because many men misread this sign or see this as an opening to be a sexual predator.

What gender and sexuality are you if you don’t mind me asking? I’m cishetman.

Non-binary pansexual

I figured they were concerned i’m douchbag or had worse experiences with het men so i didn’t mind much. But doesn’t exactly make it easy for me to talk to them.

Many people have their guard up for many good reasons. Being upfront, honest, and vulnerable can help to break down these barriers. Sharing thoughts about your feelings - the wants and needs, and the troubles you're experiencing is generally speaking not a very cishetman thing to do and can help to show the vulnerability and desire to connect with another. It might not be the magic bullet 100% of the time, but I think it can help for you to form deeper bonds.

Also, I think it's not a bad idea to bring things like this up with the person if you want to form a deeper bond with them. I would never be offended if someone came to me and said something along the lines of "hey, I just wanted you to know that I really value you as a friend and I want to get to know you better but I feel like you have your guard up around me. I don't know if this is a result of how you've been treated in the past or if it's just in my head but I want you to know that I value our relationship and really enjoy spending time with you"

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 years ago* (last edited 3 years ago) (1 children)

Unfortunately many women will not be physically affectionate with men because many men misread this sign

I think it's mostly due to societal expectation. Ex even me, for the most part, I have very little understanding of being close emotionally or physically with someone and not dating them. Like I can theorize about it, but it's just theories in my head, since i have basically no real experience of this. Sounds like the life you've lived/other ppl in the same community would be an interesting work of fiction. Aliens in like avengers movies are pretty much just typical society copy and pasted by with a skin change.

I would never be offended if someone came to me and said something along the lines of

I dig it. But in my life, both men and women would be offended if i said this to them haha. But i'll ponder on this for a while and see if i can come up with a modification i could use.

Sharing thoughts about your feelings - the wants and needs, and the troubles you’re experiencing is generally speaking not a very cishetman thing to do and can help to show the vulnerability and desire to connect with another.

It's genuinely a risky approach to do this, bc it's not uncommon to be called a pussy (or similar) for sharing the vulnerabilities. Last happened to me 2 weeks ago. Though it was a (likely) cishetWoman, but she seems pretty conservative, so got black swaned there. But yeah, if i can correctly read a person isn't gonna be offended by 'i can feel pain', then it's probably helpful.

Also, you blog about this kind of thing anywhere? I wanna read more about the world you've live lol

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Ex even me, for the most part, I have very little understanding of being close emotionally or physically with someone and not dating them.

So this is important to recognize when it comes to internalizations - this is what society has been teaching you as a male, is normal. Women do not have this problem, because women are allowed to be physically close with other women. However, they will learn, quite quickly, that this makes them prey to sexual assault and unwanted sexual attention from men and will learn to avoid this behavior.

But in my life, both men and women would be offended if i said this to them

Some may, but many will not. I understand, however, that you may not be willing to test this given what you said next:

It’s genuinely a risky approach to do this, bc it’s not uncommon to be called a pussy (or similar) for sharing the vulnerabilities.

I find it sad you live in a society which treats you like this. As I mentioned earlier, seeking out explicitly queer spaces might help to avoid this kind of toxic behavior. Moving somewhere a bit less conservative might help as well. I understand that neither of these may be accessible to you and I'm sad that many people are stuck in positions like this and unable to healthily connect with others.

Also, you blog about this kind of thing anywhere? I wanna read more about the world you’ve live lol

I do not. I live in one of the gayest cities in the world (San Francisco), but this isn't exactly new behavior for me either. I lived similarly even in much less gay cities. It's really about who you seek out and surround yourself with.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 years ago (1 children)

blog

Any blogs or content creators that you know off that share similar kinds of stories? I figure this would be another way to learn about this kind of thing.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 years ago (1 children)

I really can't think of anyone who does, but I've also never sought out this kind of content. Sorry!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 years ago

nw, thanks for the talk!

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Never. Can't miss ex's if you don't have em.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Too much emacs for this guy

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 years ago (1 children)

I've only been using Emacs for a couple months. I've been lonely my entire life.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Sorry, it was a bad joke

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 years ago (1 children)

No need to apologize, I'm only lonely because I'm gay in the American South.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 years ago

So being gay is still difficult there? Everyone is hetero and they look at you as kinda weird for being gay?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 years ago

Never

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 years ago (2 children)

Fucking never dude. You need to move on.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 years ago

I think it's normal to miss people that once were in your life. Shouldn't be missed every day, but on a sad day I can get quite some nostalgia as well.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 years ago (1 children)

Grief is normal. This comment is dismissive.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 years ago

Correct on both counts.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 years ago

I sure miss the good times, but not to forget there were plenty of bad times, too

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 years ago (1 children)

When you don't aim carefully enough.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 years ago

Lmao bruh

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 years ago

Never, I accepted they belonged to the past. They are a beautiful part of the past, but still I don't regret it. We grew up from the relation and we are better elsewhere