this post was submitted on 15 Jul 2024
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Relationships

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Bad Habit Advice Needed (lemmy.world)
submitted 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) by [email protected] to c/relationships
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I have a really bad habit of getting into relationships with people ,who are nice at first then just stop caring . I listen to peoples feelings and am a very honest and open person . I know when to stop speaking and for some reason I don't know why I could work and also cook the next days meals the night before on my workdays and clean the mess I made while still cleaning my partners mess when I get home and it would never be enough . on my days off I dont have a pleasing people issue I just like lots of tasks it makes me happy and I still always have time for myself and my partner of course. I give my partner space and listen to their feelings as well as just being there for them . What am I doing wrong? I always just say if you need something or want something to be different just tell me and I can make it work if my partner says they want tondo something like helo cook or work or anything else I'm cool with it . I'm an easy to please respectful person I hold doors and have manners. I don't know I guess I just want some advice on what I should do after I heal from my breakup? I just am gonna take some time to myself and reflect and do some self improvement . Thanks,

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

As a long time single I am not really in a place to give advice but have you considered the option that you do too much of the workload in your relationships? I can not really gauge that, however it is important that both/all parties invest meaningful time and work into a relationship. If one party does not, it might damage their percieved "worth" of that relationship. So all i could say is to not allways go out of you way to make everything even out by yourself but to also be demanding at times. Sounds counterintuitive but we tend to more like the people we spent effort on.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 10 months ago

Thanks this actually helps alot I appreciate it very much . I'll take your advice and self reflect and do the small list of things you said to do . I guess I just needed someone to say it to notice my unconscious insecurities. Thank you

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago

Maybe you're problem is that you're going after highly attractive people. In my experience such people are more likely to me deficient in character, likely because they've been able to coast by with their looks rather than developing a worthwhile personality and work ethic. It's not an absolute of course. You could also just be super unlucky.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

There is a balance between give and take in every relationship. Even the best person in the world can become comfortable if you’re giving 20ft, while they only have to give 5.

The way you speak about YOU changing for them, and the overall tone of your (light on tangible details) post, points to some insecurities in yourself. The people you’ve dated might have been taking advantage of it, even if unconsciously.

I would take some time to really love yourself and stop questioning all of the beautiful things you do for your mate. Your love language is actions, similar to my spouse, but you can’t do all of the work.

You might find that drawing your boundaries comes a lot easier once you understand and truly accept that you’re worth it and valuable without having to bend over backwards. At that point you’ll likely stop attracting the wrong kind of person and your taste will become more discerning once you start to see the patterns of imbalance.

My advice: Really think about your principles and what you believe to be fair in a relationship. Write these down and repeat them. Example: 1. Housework should be split (not necessarily even) where your time is valued as much as theirs. 2. Your acts of affection need to be acknowledged, if not 100% reciprocated in kind. 3. I will not keep working harder on the relationship in an effort to hold onto someone who is distant.

Respect yourself, find someone who really appreciates you not just for what you do for them, but for how you are together. Don’t lose hope. You may have been unlucky in your selection (or unconsciously chose unavailable partners), but your future doesn’t have to repeat. There are good people out there. Good luck.