-4
Context:
My(31) Girlfriend(27) moved in with me ~2 months ago, we live in a tiny 47^m apartment, space is very limited, but we're in a housing crisis so it is what it is.
During the move, I convinced her to let go of her full length mirror (an IKEA cupboard door https://www.ikea.com/nl/en/p/aheim-door-mirror-glass-80410055/) because we don't have space to put it, and the cupboards we have in the bedroom literally have 3 of those as the doors.
Yesterday we got into a bit of an argument because she's upset that she gave away her mirror, and is eluding to wanting me to buy a new one.
Anyway, here is our conversation
Boyfriend: I'd also really love to go to Greece
Girlfriend: Awesome me too haha
Girlfriend: Pita gyros 😍😍😍😍
Boyfriend: Yeeees 😍
Girlfriend: I miss having a selfie mirror :(
Girlfriend: It’s not the same
Girlfriend: I wish Steve didn’t have my mirror
Girlfriend: I want to buy a new one
Girlfriend: I feel in my element with taking cute outfit pics 😍
Girlfriend: {selfieOfHerInCuteOutfitInfrontOfFullLengthMirror.jpg }
Boyfriend: I'm sorry love ❤️ let's get you one back xx ❤️
Could also think about it in the remodel
Boyfriend: Cute I love it ❤️❤️
Girlfriend: I’d love that ❤️
Girlfriend: That would honestly mean a lot 🥹 We could pick a nice one. I remember letting go of my old one even though I wanted to keep it 😅 So if you wanted to get one, it would feel like a sweet loving full-circle moment 🪞❤️
Boyfriend: We just need to find a spot for it, then we're good xx ❤️
Boyfriend: I'm in Brussels now, going to take a bus soon.
I'll get home so late 🙉
Girlfriend: Ok love ❤️
Girlfriend: Let’s look for one
Girlfriend: Oh shame and on a Sunday 😅❤️
Boyfriend: Sure but let's first figure out where we put it ❤️
Boyfriend: Yea damn 😅🙉
Boyfriend: How was your weekend love? ❤️
Girlfriend: I think between the couch and bedroom door ❤️
Girlfriend: My weekend was fun, I really enjoy Copenhagen so far. thanks :D how was yours? ❤️
Girlfriend: Hey love can I ask you something? When you said ‘let’s get you one,’ did you mean we’d pick one together and you’d get it for me or that we’d pick one together and we’d buy it? I’d just love to know what you meant❤️
Boyfriend: Maybe yes, might it fit in the bedroom somewhere? It might look a bit out of place in the living room
Boyfriend: Nice happy to hear ❤️
Boyfriend: Mine was good, I'm just dead haha it's been a hectic week
Boyfriend: I averaged like 12k steps a day this week
Boyfriend: I just meant lets try to arrange that you have one, I didn't have specifics in mind
Boyfriend: *I didn't think about the details
Girlfriend: It’s too tight in the bedroom. The background matters so the mirror wouldn’t really work there.
I don’t think it would look out of place in the living room because it’s kind of a vibe there, many cool living rooms have cool mirrors
Girlfriend: Haha nice
❤️
Boyfriend: 🤔 Hmmm ok let's think what might work, idk how a full length mirror might look in the living room
❤️
Girlfriend: Ah okay I think I felt a bit weird because ‘let’s get you one’ sounded like a gift, and part of me really hoped it would be.
I remember saying I wanted to keep my old mirror, and while I didn’t push super hard, I did feel like I got gradually talked out of it with things like where it would go, whether we had space, or if other mirrors were enough. So even though I gave up in the end, I didn’t really feel like my preference had space.
Getting one from you now would honestly feel really thoughtful like something small but meaningful being repaired in a loving way ❤️
Boyfriend: Sorry I didn't intend for it to sound like a gift, I wouldn't have used those words if I meant it like that.
Boyfriend: I'm sorry Steve took your door mirror when you didn't want to let it go, do you maybe want to speak to him about getting it back?
Boyfriend: And where would we put it?
Boyfriend: I want to help and make things as good as possible ❤️ not sure what the solution is
Girlfriend: I’ve tried to express something that mattered to me not to fight, but because it left a mark. I wasn’t looking for a practical solution or to rehash the past, just a moment of care and accountability.
To be honest, getting a mirror from you would still feel really meaningful. Not because I can’t get one myself, but because it would show me that my feelings and experience mattered to you that you wanted to make something right in a loving way. That’s the kind of connection I want ❤️
Boyfriend: Your feelings and experience does matter ❤️
I am trying to make something right in a loving and caring way by helping you have a mirror again, I'm not sure where the miscommunication happened
Girlfriend: It doesn’t seem like you’re in a place to really take accountability or make the repair 😔❤️
Boyfriend: Love I'm sorry that Steve took your mirror when you would have liked to keep it, and I'm sorry I didn't realise that you wanted to keep it ❤️
Girlfriend: Thank you for saying that ❤️ What still sits with me, though, is that I did say I wanted to keep it, and I felt gradually talked out of it with comments about space and other mirrors. That made it feel like my preference wasn’t really considered even though it was my mirror.
I don’t want to be the one to talk to Steve, because it doesn’t feel fair that I’d have to deal with something that came from a situation where my desire for my own property wasn’t taken seriously and that same property was offered by you to him instead. And now that it’s glued to his wall, it could be awkward too. If that’s the route you want to take, I’d leave that to you.
I’d really appreciate you stepping up to repair this connection rupture in a loving way whether that’s getting a new one or speaking to him yourself❤️
Boyfriend: I did talk you out of keeping it yes, but it's okay to convince someone of something right?
I don't feel I didn't consider your feelings when we were discussing what to do with the mirror.
Boyfriend: If you still had the mirror, what would you do with it?
Girlfriend: Convincing someone of something is different from respecting that they said no especially when it’s about their own property and preference. I wasn’t asking to be debated, I was asking to be heard.
And even if you thought you were considering my feelings, the truth is I didn’t feel considered. That’s the part that needs repair not explanation
Girlfriend: I appreciate you acknowledging that you talked me out of it
Boyfriend: I don't see the issue with talking someone out-of/into something, it's part of life.
Like if you talk me into buying Green shirt but I'm not comfortable with the colour.
And I agree, and then buy it.
I could be happy with the colour once I try it, or I could hate it. But it's still okay to convince someone of something right? (assuming you have their best interest in mind)
Boyfriend: Could you answer this please "If you still had the mirror, what would you do with it?"
Girlfriend: I get what you’re trying to say but this wasn’t a fun debate or a clothing suggestion. It was my property, and I said I wanted to keep it.
Convincing someone against their own preference, then giving away their thing, is not the same as nudging someone to try a new brand.
It didn’t feel like care. It felt like override.
What I needed wasn’t to be proven wrong it was to be heard and valued. That’s the part that still feels unresolved
Girlfriend: I would take cute outfit pics that make me happy feel good about myself
Boyfriend: Love you're making it sound like I took your thing and gave it away. That's not what happened, we were deciding what to do with thigs if you wanted to keep it you could have kept it
Girlfriend: I’m not saying you physically grabbed it and handed it to Steve
I’m saying I expressed wanting to keep it, and in response, you pushed back repeatedly with different arguments and eventually after many back and forths I gave in and while I was busy movigg you started making plans with Steve about where it would go
So yes, I could’ve insisted louder. But the point is: I shouldn’t have had to. My preference was clear. It just didn’t have space
Girlfriend: In the living room
Boyfriend: We don't have space and that matters.
I understand your preference, I would have loved if there was a nice solution.
=================
Sorry about the wall of text, after this things just spiralled and it became a huge fight, with neither of us being able to see eye to eye.
Am I the asshole for convincing her to give away her mirror?