Confessions

Hey I know this might not be the right place but I'm banned on Reddit for no reason and just need to vent. if you can give me your thoughts and opinions as I could really use some outside words from people who don't know me.

I (20m) want to lose my V-card. I want to know what 'coitus' feels like but I'm too scared to because of how important the first time is. my friends are all in relationships or are out playing the fields doing what I wish I could while I'm stuck using my hand in my room. I'm fantasizing about killing the people I consider friends just to stop seeing their amazing dates and just to stop having plans canceled to deal with their partners. Yet at the same time there's part of me that's too logical. that part of me always reminds me about the arguments that they go through over dumbest things, the times they were scared they might've made a baby or caught an STD. it reminds me that a partner will just distract me and that studies will set me up for a future where I could do anything including having a partner. also rushing towards romantic relationship wont help me, it'll just being doing something that will fall flat instead of what I want, and what for? for the approval of others who already keep me at a distance? for my family who don't give a shit and love me all the same?

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I cant argue with the negative parts of what sex entails but the jealousy is ruining my relationship with my siblings and friends since I'm pulling away and they are noticing.

Thank you for any thoughts and opinions you all leave or just for reading my little vent of emotionss