I left my old city. Felt I had no connection to anything going on there, broke it off with most of my old friends because most of them turned out to be assholes who turned coat the instant I hit hard times and actually had to process some heavy stuff like grieving my mother's death, for fuck's sake... Had nothing left to do there. Spent an entire year almost exclusively locked in my apartment because... well, because there was nothing left to do outside...
A couple of old friends from the city in which I currently find myself kept telling me to move here as I had more here than I had left there. I've been mulling this over for almost three years, afraid to commit to such a major change, procrastinating by keeping myself sedated with weed, but one day shit got so bad at work that I ended up at a neurologist's - turns out my stress-based bruxism got so bad that it started affecting my inner ear and causing horrible vertigo attacks. That finally pushed me over the edge as it demonstrated that I needed to change things. So I moved.
It was as unplanned and hasty as anything ever has been in my entire life. Less than a week after the doctor's appointment I was on a train headed here. My friends insisted that I crash at their place, that they'd be glad to help in any way they could, that they were happy I was finally moving closer to them, saying that they considered me as much a part of their family as their parents. And so I did. I spent two weeks over at their place, two weeks during which I felt that I did nothing but get in their way. They're a married couple and they have a baby daughter. Surprisingly even to me, she wasn't the problem (I've never thought of myself as being good with kids). Her mother was obviously not enjoying my presence there, quite the contrary. Kept getting the feeling that the sooner I stopped being there, the better it would be. The dad, my oldest friend of the two, is a tired mess from having to deal with everything, so I honestly don't know what was bothering him the most, but I do know that our friendship has soured over time. He understands me less and less and has become more and more rigid in his thinking. Anyway, I wanted to get out of their hair as soon as possible.
Found rent in two weeks, two immensely stressful weeks, as I had to juggle the hunt, my work (yes, same job as I thought it would be easier to find something new once I'd settled down here), and the constant feeling of being a hindrance to the friends who were supposedly overjoyed to have me. The apartment I'm renting is... ok. I guess. It's not cheap, though, because the cheap ones were... horrid. Lots of small things wrong with it, the owner is a lazy-ass woman who'd rather not leave her own apartment, which is both a blessing and a curse. I've been sleeping on the couch as I've no bedding yet and have not had the time to pick up the rest of my stuff from the previous city. Eating microwaved hot-dogs and take-out because I've no kitchenware yet, and I'm basically living out of my travel bag still.
But that's not the biggest problem, if I'm honest. The problem is that I moved here hoping I'd get lost in the crowd (it's a much larger city than my previous one), yet I seem to stand out like the only sore fucking thumb in this place... Everyone keeps staring at me. On the street, on the subway, in malls, hell, even when I go out for a pack of smokes and to buy bread. Everyone looks at me like I'm an alien, like they can smell that I'm not from there, even though we're all from the same fucking country. I'm a bald 30-something, I don't dress like a maniac, I'm not aggressive, I'm not offensive, I'm, at worst, a business-casual goth without make-up or other such accoutrements.
And I can't even talk about this with my friends because they refuse to even try to look at this from my perspective. "Oh, but why wasn't this a problem when you were searching for rent," because I wasn't fucking living here yet! "Oh, I never consider people staring at me a problem," well I'm so fucking happy for you, wanna trade places?!
So now I'm stuck here. Breaking the rent contract would incur penalties I can't cover right now. My friends are... well, I don't even know what they are anymore, and this entire fucking city seems to already hate me. I don't even want to leave this apartment, again! And this time because I feel like a fucking alien. And all I can think of is that this fucking solitude was cheaper back in my old city.
If you have any, lay it on me. Please and thank you.
Well first off, I’m sorry about your mom. I can’t imagine that was easy. And when you said that everything scattered when things got tough, you reminded me of how my “friends” acted similarly when I was going through some stuff. They only seemed to see my struggles as an inconvenience to their own lives. Sometimes friends are only good in certain capacities; like some are good to hang out and some are better at support. These friends might just not have the capacity to support you in the way you are expecting.
And that’s pretty shitty that they offered help and then had a less than welcoming atmosphere. If they offered for you to stay there and then it seemed different when you got there, that’s not really on you. Your friend and his wife maybe have their own disagreements and you just found yourself near them.
I’m not sure if you ever read the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, but it uses the analogy of the “Disappointment Panda,” which goes around telling people the boring truth that no one wants to tell someone. I think that panda would tell you that if you moved cities and find yourself having similar challenges, there is probably something about yourself to change instead. And speaking from my own experience, weed was great for mellowing out, but the problem is over time anxiety can creep in without it. I found myself thinking everyone that was having a close conversation was talking about me, and thinking my friends thought I was mentally challenged because they seemed to treat me differently. Truth for me was that I was acting different because I was high, so it wasn’t them that were acting different, it was me. And people weren’t actually having conversations about me, I was anxious/paranoid because I wasn’t mellowed out.
So I guess the advice would be to recognize that you probably have some thoughts/feelings to explore about your mom passing. Take it one day at a time and try to set small goals; changes that stick will take a slow and steady approach. Take this time as an opportunity to really think about what you want to achieve, and what is most challenging. Try to find a counselor or someone to confide in, even like a free support group.
I hope any of this helps. I know it feels completely stuck, but if you get creative, you find more options than you thought. The first step is thinking things can change.
Thank you for taking the time to offer such an insightful reply!
You're right in that I still have a lot to parse related to my mother's death, as well as the weed slowly turning me into a turbo-recluse, which is precisely why I've been on a sort of detox for almost a year. I know spending that year primarily in my apartment hasn't helped things, either...
The move was also intended to help me process this stuff, my old city felt like a noose around my neck - moved there more for mum than anything else in the first place, so it wasn't exactly a choice made for my own wellbeing.
As for the anxiety, that one's centered more around life than social aspects. I tend to catastrophise and worry about potentialities, people don't really factor into that as I pretty much expect everyone to disappoint me in one way or another and it's a surprisingly effective equaliser. The downside to being noticed is not being self-conscious, it's more about not fulfilling my goal of being invisible for a while, if that makes sense. Just walk the streets with myself as company. Maybe it sounds weird, but I feel the need to lose myself in the world for a while, be alone in public and soak in the hum of a large city. The attention generated a sort of bitter frustration more than anything else as it caused a severe interruption of that process. Another case in point about not having expectations, I guess. Dunno if any of this makes sense, the grieving process has been... oddly specific.
But you're completey right otherwise. Decided to use this mandatory stay of sorts as a kind of time outside of time and just explore whatever there is to explore within the city itself, maybe a new purpose will reveal itself. As for my friends, I honestly can't and don't judge them, we all have our own internal struggles and I won't do them the disservice of assuming that I understand theirs. Again, more of a bitter frustration than anything else. Would've been nice if they could understand mine, but disappointment is universal, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. Just means we're all human.
As for the book, it's been on my (shamefully expansive and neglected) reading list, I'll bump it up to the top based on your recommendation! Sounds like it may come in handy now. Thank you!