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The original was posted on /r/cfs by /u/Majestic-Property762 on 2025-01-22 14:57:45+00:00.
I’ve had ME for 6 years, and for the last 3, it’s been severe. I spend 24/7 in a dark room, only able to watch TV for a couple hours a day. I just recently moved into a new apartment and have been progressing pretty badly the last several months.
In a moment of poor judgment last summer, I decided to go on a date with someone. I fell for them quickly and we’ve been pretty serious since then. He’s been spending the night with me once a week, but this last week I went way beyond my energy envelope (even more so than usual) and am in the midst of the worst crash I’ve ever had.
Before we started dating, I was only showering once a month (sometimes even longer), and I’ve been showering once a week before he comes over, despite how awful it makes me feel.
So you can see just how much I’ve been over exerting. I hope you can learn from me that we must be completely honest with ourselves and with others about our limitations, and stick to them. Don’t let the self gaslighting push you into severe like it did to me. This shit is so serious.
I can hardly walk. It feels as if my muscles are being dissolved in acid. Mentally, I’m a wreck. I’ve been sobbing as soon as I open my eyes each morning and I realize the difficult decision I have to make. I’ve been putting it off because I’m so crashed I don’t think I could talk to him on the phone, and it feels so wrong to do it through text.
It’s become obvious to me my relationship isn’t sustainable. I’ve been cosplaying normalcy around him for months, so I’m afraid when I tell him what has happened it might come as a shock.
He’s been completely understanding about my illness and even researched it to try to understand more. I’m devastated, it seems my only option is to break things off. The idea of losing him feels absolutely crushing. But this last crash has really been a wake-up call for me. I was playing with fire, being reckless with him and ignoring my limits. And I’m terrified by how much worse things are.
He’s the best thing that has happened to me in years and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him. I also feel so, so guilty that I have to break things off when we’ve only been together such a short time. I just wish I had more time with him. I know he will likely be very understanding, I just hate the idea of letting him down.
When I was healthy, I was the type to give a lot of myself in romantic relationships… so to be so limited in how I can show up for him has been extremely difficult for me. I also struggle with anxious/avoidant attachment issues which is compounding everything.
I keep second guessing whether my decision is actually due to my illness or if i’m just being avoidant. I will admit my relationship anxiety has been intense. But I’m too ill even for therapy via telehealth, so there seems to be no solution other than letting him go.
I could really use some words of support or comfort, and would love to hear if any of you have been through something similar. I’ve been in tears every day trying to cope with this enormous loss, on top of my declining function and the physical agony. I feel so very alone.
TL;DR: I’m breaking things off with the love of my life because I’m too severe. Would love words of encouragement
PS sorry for the novel, you can tell i’m an anxious wreck