this post was submitted on 17 May 2025
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The Onion

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The Onion

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WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from serving in combat roles.

The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits male personnel with clearly feminine names like Jamie, Sandy, and Alexis from serving in all artillery, infantry, and armored units. According to a Defense Department memo, the military is less effective as a fighting force when it deploys men named Francis, Sloan, Carol, or Loren in active conflict zones.

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[–] [email protected] 95 points 1 month ago (3 children)

You got me. It's just so plausible at this point, I ate it.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I know, right? If it's insane, it might actually come from El Trump.

Remember ths time a persident could be impeached for having his c0ck sucked by an intern.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

I mean, Trump has been impeached and just like with Clinton, it doesn't matter.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago

At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if they're getting their policy ideas from The Onion.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It wasn't until I saw your comment that I realised I ate the onion

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

It's a good one, I really thought it happened.

[–] [email protected] 51 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Sponsored by Lindsey Graham.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago

What you expect him to go by a different name? The teacher will have to report this to the parents.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago
[–] [email protected] 30 points 1 month ago (3 children)
[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Same. It's just too real.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago

hate how possible onion articles are nowadays.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago
[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 month ago

I ate it. It tasted like... fascism.

[–] ininewcrow 21 points 1 month ago

Well, my daddy left home when I was three
Didn't leave very much to my mom and me
Except this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze
Now I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that my daddy ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me Sue

[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 month ago (1 children)

So… if I want my son to be spared from the draft all I have to do is give him a traditionally masculine name like Kelly, Courtney or Ashley?

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

if I want my son to be spared from the draft

Or Donald Trump.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

Whats hilarious about this is that senior commanders would be more likely to have “girls” names considering names tend to flip back and forth gender-wise. Any young Lindsay you meet today will likely be a girl, meanwhile you have old dudes like Lindsay Graham in the senate

Leslie is another one

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Mitch McConnell’s actual first name is Addison.

[–] WizardofFrobozz 6 points 1 month ago

J.D. Vance’s first name is Jethica

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 month ago

Seeing a batshit insane headline actually coming from TheOnion is really refreshing

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago

"what kind of name is Lindsey for a man? Ash! Get this pansy out of here."

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

Sorry Stacy, pack your shit!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

We're looking at you Terry

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Or Francis. Or Max (because it could be Maximilian or Maxine) or Sam (because it could be Samuel or Samantha), and if they have a French name, Mich (for either Michel or Michelle) or any number of other names.

EDIT: oh fuck it's an onion article! Thank goodness!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

Fascists suck at war

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

I had to double check if this was The Onion or Not The Onion lol

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

There's gotta be a Jody joke in there somewhere

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago

Are you the guys on the beach who hate everything?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

always been last name or shithead. 🤷‍♂️

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

Going to be so defenseless real soon.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Are hegseth and trump vying to see who can be the stupidest fucker alive?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It’s satire from The Onion.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

And that changes my comment... how?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

Jody your out. Now here's your separation documents and a list of the home addresses of all your battle buddies so you can keep in touch. Dismissed!