DrivebyHaiku

Hey, Non-binary trans masc person in trades here.

I can tell you how I perceive different types of co-worker if it helps you want to dial in what it's like on the other side of the experience. There's layers to the whole situation and as non-binary folks we understand what we are asking for isn't automatically going to click and requires people to figure us out.

First up : Most of us end of day aren't going to rock the boat for anything less than fully agregious behaviour so calls to report other people for being mildly offensive are probably not actually going to go anywhere. Most of us are scared of being labelled "a problem" so we just take the hits when they come. If you are a boss and notice a non-binary person sticking closer to specific people and avoiding others there's a good chance that they've found the people who are safe and avoiding ones who aren't. A great accommodation that can invisibly help is just to recognize this strata and if a task nessesitates putting people together try and pair along these lines. A lot of co-workers wait until other people aren't around to let their nastier behaviour shine.

Now to co-worker types. Aside from the full on transphobe or problem persons there's a range of different stages of cool people.

The "I don't really get it" Co-worker pays lip service to the polite aspects of using pronouns. They are the type to introduce you to others by misgendering you and then flap their hands and go "Oh no sorry 'they'". We know they don't get it or don't really care. The misgendering still hurts but they are fairly benign. They make these accidents non maliciously and are afforded grace. If they step in it we basically disregard because they aren't really worth the effort of getting too comfortable around. We make these accommodations for strangers daily. Annoying but nessisary.

The "in training" co-worker is one whom is encountering their very first trans person. They want you to be their Obi wan and their enthusiasm is a bit of a double edged sword at times. It's tiring to teach people to dance when they keep stepping on your feet but the job needs doing. Some of us veiw this as our own brand of service to the cause of normalizing ourselves more widely. Some of us just don't want to be bothered. Either way, just wanting to learn is heaps better than ambivalence. If you fuck up something, don't make a big deal about it. It's not that you're a terrible person and should have known better. Our stuff takes practice and we know it's not intuitive.

The "A little too up in our shit" co-worker is excited to know the real you but looks at you as a beautiful creature in need of preservation. They might seek to advocate on your behalf or behind your back but the attempt is clumsy and often at odds with a non-binary person's desire to just get through the workday as a regular human and not make waves. Good enthusiasm sure, we're probably friends but for the love of God we're adults and we can sort out our own shit if need be.

The "Understands the Assignment" co-worker is just comfortable to be around. They don't have to be the most tuned in to all the nuance about our specific needs in ways we require more out of partners, family and friends but they treat our basic requirements as no big deal, maybe they occasionally ask questions to check in if they catch us struggling or reacting but aren't going to narc to the boss on our behalf. They either avoid all stereotypes associated with sex or in the case of trans mascs/trans femmes they treat us like one of the boys/girls. Gold standard.

Hey, enby here. While I definitely benefit from they being a default I have enough binary trans friends who have this experience. What the person you are replying to is giving you is something referred to as nuance. A solve put forward by a well meaning cis person doesn't automatically work just because it seems like it should to you. Sometimes it causes new problems and when someone tells you about them it's a good idea to not assume it's them trying to be a dick or difficult about something but actually explaining why that solve isn't always a good thing.

If your intention is to make a trans person actually comfortable instead of getting defensive then listening when these things come up instead of telling them they are trying to be trouble on purpose is the play.

Not everything works for every trans person and inside the trans community there is something sometimes referred to as "the coward's they". It's a well known phenomenon where a physical transition gets to a certain point the brain stops easily registering and sorting someone as being their birth sex because they seemlessly look and act as their gender so the automatic neurological system of assigning them a sex value flips fully to the new and desired setting. You see it on conservative media sometimes where they slip up and use the actual correct pronouns and have to correct themselves back over to using the wrong pronouns... Problem being is it causes the same mental redirect issues for a Conservative actively dodging the automatic reaction as learning to use Non-binary pronouns so as a compromise these people use "they" instead because it is easier to trick the sorter and strand themselves in the safe neutral ground where they can identify a person as "not actually a woman/man" without triggering their audience by using correct pronouns for a trans person.

When you use they/them pronouns for a binary trans person it's interpreted by the brain of the trans person as you seeing and reacting to all the aspects of their body that makes them visibly trans and your brain's automatic sex recognition system sorting them into this "not enough" category. It's effectively less hurtful than full misgendering... But it still pings the bit of the brain that is seeing their own body through your perception via your words. It causes they same dysphoric reaction where their mind picks over all the parts of their body that would cause you to react by misgendering or degendering them. The whole point of preferred pronouns is to help us stop that mental reaction from happening as much.

It is perfectly safe to use they/them pronouns for cis people who do not have dysphoric reactions at all and for non-binary people who actively use those pronouns but if someone rocks up looking like they are trying to project a full binary situation it's worth going for the full binary pronoun option because they are specifically putting in the work to be as obvious as possible so that people know that's what they want.

It's non-specific to queer culture. It's been around for ages as a sort of funny bar standby or joke drink.

I encounted them first about 20 years ago in Canada. Had one for my 19th birthday at a random bar long before I came out as trans. Most of the time it's a vehicle for the joke of someone saying they got you a blowjob for some kind of special occasion.

Have you ever been to a kid centric drag show? They are a blast! There's a lot of overlap with traditional clowning and kids love the silly Princesess and over the top characters. It's also a safe way to show kids that gender presentation can be playful. A lot of drag queens who do kids shows love the wholesome vibes of dancing, reading to kids and being silly with little chaos munchkins just like any other performer who works with children. It's the same reasons some folk become Clowns, Santa Clauses or Easter Bunnies.

If you don't want to bring kids to a drag act that is your choice. Walk on by. Nobody is forcing anyone to bring their kid to a drag act, quite frankly nobody wants a sourpuss in the audience...but the issue is that a lot of parents and religious people who "don't want kids around drag queens" are taking that choice away from parents who want their kids to try that experience. They aren't making that decision for their kids they are taking that experience away from everyone by making those events unsafe or cancelling them through interference.

Nobody is throwing tantrums that some parents don't want that experience for their kids. Nobody cares. It doesn't impact them in the least if they just don't participate. It's like the same level of don't care if you told them you are not going to a jazz festival or something. They might say "well you are missing out on a good time' but it's not like it really matters.

Yeah as a bottom with a large partner with delayed ejaculation I can say that while people seem to value length and stamina/lasting power in porn... the reality is there's advantages to not accidentally knocking the absolute stuffing out of your partner and tiring them to the bone whenever you do the deed.

Aight, so whomever needs to hear this. The average vaginal canal is only about 3-4 inches long and might lengthen to about 5 inches if relaxed. Despite what bad porn anatomy might tell you it can hurt to go deeper than that. All of the nerve endings are clustered at the opening.

The prostate is two inches deep. Virtually all the same mechanics apply.

Your penis is fine.

I think you are placing the bar for facism a bit high friend. You don't have to be in government or influential in any way to be a fascist. You can be a homeless person who hasn't spoken to another person in a year and still be a fascist. You can also be a fascist without believing that you are..

Fascism is both a set of beliefs taken to an extreme and actions wittingly or not done that furthers the power or reach of an organized group who holds those beliefs. More or less it means facism can be something you do rather than something you believe strongly in. Your rank and file facist is tricked into the position.

Joe Rogan is either a facist or a puppet/ tool of facists that serves as a algorithm kidnapper into their pipeline to normalize their veiw points. Whether Rogan himself holds these beliefs personally is kind of irrelevant. It is the use to which he has been put and the damage is done.

Haven't we all just been living under constant nuclear threat since we were basically born? It's kind of hard to be anxious about it since it's basically the background radiation we've been told not to prioritize or think too much about since we were kids but I would wager each one of us has a nebulous and ill defined "in case of bomb" plan.

Women who are like that usually change their mind after a couple of years buckled into the yoke. There's currently a whole group of women stuck in golden handcuffs in the trad wife influencer community who are miserable in their relationships but making too much ad money to consider stopping.

Absolutely. I belong to a non cheating group. It's just seems completely unfathomable that it could happen. Most of us are in 15+ year relationships and are friends with everyone. It's not just a "the women are friends with the women, the men are friends with the men" situation. We got a blend of genders all participating in the same hobbies. There would be so much social cost to cheating it would be kind of insane.

Where I work though there's a decent amount of drama in that regard though and I have noticed that one common factor is that the relationships are atomized. They either keep their old friends going in and there's almost zero expectation of their partners integrating into each other's friendships or there's just this expectation that men and women are fundamentally different creatures. That whole men are from Mars women from Venus shtick. From the outside it seems like emotional distance where people look at each other like they aren't targets of empathy - more like they play by a book as if they can just put the right inputs in they will get the desired outputs.

I know this is entirely anedotal and that anybody could theoretically cheat for any number of reasons... It's just something that I noticed about the groups of cheats that I am aware of.

Okay so... I am a trans person so this is coming from the other side and mostly from friends who are both not married and who do pass better but one of the things I have noticed about some gay men is that they do not want us in their spaces. If they decide you are cute and come over... Well at some point if the flirtation progresses past a point we as trans people have a consent problem on our hands because anybody who gets with us shouldn't be surprised about what downstairs situation we got going and when during an interaction to have that conversation is kind of... Never great. Some gay guys react to trans men with the same volitile disgust straight guys do towards trans women. It's a reaction like we cheated them by wasting their effort.

Also a lot of gay guys, hate to say it, are kind of misogynistic. They get treated as 'not man enough' by straights and turn that around on other targets. I am very lucky to have gay buddies who if the club doesn't want me there will just pick a different club but we've definitely been spooked out of some places.

Okay... There's a whole issue with setting yourself in between someone's expression of frustration at something sucky they experience and the problem itself. One of the things that helps is learning to temporarily shelve your priorities. Listen to people as if you were a complete outsider. Someone is telling you about their feelings and that often isn't intended to be in competition with your feelings... Until somebody makes it a competition. The minute you try and make it a competition you have demonstrated to that person that you aren't listening to their concerns. In doing that you make everything about your own priorities and that person who was frustrated isn't in a place where they have reserves of energy to be kind and you just stepped inside the radius of a problem that you yourself were before only tangential to because you shut them down. Effectively you've said "Whatever, let's talk about my needs."

This move intended or not sucks all the oxygen in the room that could be devoted to making things better into addressing your problem if some one is empathetic to you or as an extention of the inertia behind addressing problem. Neither is good.

Let's take an example. Say I go to my boss with a problem. Say it's a matter of policy and it's impacting my life negatively. Now my boss maybe didn't write the rule which created the problem but they've enforced it in the past. As I am expressing how this policy effects me the boss starts acting huffy and going "Oh you must think I'm such a bad boss. How could you think that? Don't you know how much I care about the people in my employ?" All of a sudden as an employee I now have a whole new problem to deal with because this person isn't going to address my problem, they just became a new problem for me to deal with. Now you have a frustrated employee who isn't in a position to solve the policy problem either having to console their boss or try and correct them back on course to realizing that the policy problem... Hasn't changed. Nobody in a place to do better has acknowledged it even exists.

What would you think about the actions of that boss in the employee's shoes?