Skyscraper (1996)
A review on The Action Elite brought to my attention the Anna Nicole Smith vehicle (apparently, yes, there was such a thing), Skyscraper (1996), from the defunct 90s straight-to-video action studio PM Entertainment, of previous B Movie Bonanza posts like Inferno and The Silencers.
The PM Entertainment Podcast mentioned in the review (no episode on Skyscraper yet):
Another podcast, about Skyscraper
Info on Skyscraper
Remember the cliché elevator pitch for movies? "It's Die Hard meets [X]." Well, Skyscraper is "Die Hard meets a Playboy model". It stars Anna Nicole Smith and... no one else. Seriously, I've seen far too many movies and I didn't recognize a single other actor in this one. And if you weren't around in the 90s, it wasn't acting ability that Smith was renowned for.
Trailer
Full movie
Tubi (geographical availability varies, uncut)
Fawesome (geographical availability varies, works for me in Mexico, in English and uncut)
YouTube (has cuts)
From 'Full Action Movie RA' (a YouTube channel that claims to be licensed to show films. Unfortunately, a rather large 'RA' watermark in the corner, and occasional "like and subscribe" graphics. A somewhat 'off' scan, maybe a 4:3 source not only cropped but perhaps also a teensy bit stretched to fit the screen.)
This seems to be a "safe for work" edit. No nudity and certain violence removed. The trailer includes multiple scenes I didn't see in the film, including a clip that cleared up a mystery of how a certain bad guy got injured.
spoiler
- She stabs Leather Daddy in the crotch.
But the other versions on YouTube have even shorter run times, so I guess they're cut even more.
Just Watch (adjust for your country, may not be right, e.g. it didn't show me that Skyscraper can be seen in Mexico on Fawesome)
Victim count (supercut of all the death & injury scenes, in Spanish)
Skyscraper (1996) - fan appreciation supercut - Anna Nicole Smith saves the day
My minimal experience with 'watch parties' like #Monsterdon has proven I just can't keep up with all the comments coming thick and fast AND watch the movie without pausing. But I like the idea of riffing on the movie and made my own "live log" as I watched, which I've posted below. If you don't want to sit through the whole film, maybe just try the log; or read it after watching. (Loads of spoilers, obviously.)
LOG
Anna Nicole Smith as a totally believable helicopter pilot, because of course 2-inch-long fingernails wouldn't interfere with controlling the joystick or collective at all.
Never mind, she doesn't even pretend to have her other hand on the collective, it's just resting on her lap.
"Heliscort". Because she's an escort who arrives by helicopter?
Nefarious secret government agents go to a nefarious secret meeting... in a car with plates that tell everyone it's a government car.
Attack by Male Models Incorporated!
Now a female model, too!
Man, they did not skimp on the Flaming Vehicle budget.
Baddie can hit and shoot apart a handcuff chain at 10 metres, dayum!
[Lingerie scene] Girl is thick ... Oh my god, Smith can't even say lines. I mean, I wasn't expecting Meryl Streep-level delivery, but this! This. Is. Terrible.
Same shot of her two-inch nails on the joystick and her other hand not even pretending to hold the collective.
The bad guys' disguise as a work crew is a tad undermined by them openly carrying machine pistols on the street in broad daylight.
Spine punch!!! And again!
Oh man, is the chief baddie gonna be theatrically reciting Shakespeare quotations the whole damned film?
"Sure, you recognize Henry IV, Anna Nicole."
Flaming vehicle... and human. Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing.
Is the baddie hammy? He's an entire leg of jamón serrano ibérico. [Henceforth, to be referred to as Hamalot.]
Alan Rickman must be spinning in his grave over how bad these German accents are. Oh no, you don't even want to hear the ¿Jamaican? accent. Jar Jar Janitor.
Tiny tot security guard is a reject both from the police academy and Police Academy. No wonder Jar Jar's giving him shit.
Male Models Incorporated on the attack again!
Did the bad guy with the long blonde hair and Euro accent who's totally not a rip off of Karl in Die Hard just climax when garroting someone???
That's a looong gaze at Leather Daddy Terrorist Male Model's arse. Equal opportunity objectification?
Rival baddy to Hamalot: "Oh jeez, you're still doing that Shakespeare crap." Yes, yes he is.
The last piece of the McGuffin is now in place. Let the havoc commence! Fabio Wannabe Terrorist Male Model goes pew pew. He and Future's So Bright Gotta Wear Shades Terrorist Male Model chase the McGuffin.
Helicopter pilot Anna Nicole, now with the McGuffin, decides to escape by... leaving the perfectly good helicopter and running to the edge of the skyscraper's roof???
Future's So Bright finally takes off his shades to spine punch some hapless maintenance guys that he could have easily subdued just by threatening them with his gun. Never let a chance to needlessly spine punch someone pass you by!
Fabio Wannabe demonstrates his callous disregard for human life and the fabulous results of his hair care regimen.
Cops still clueless about skyscraper hostage situation despite Leather Daddy unloading 200 rounds all over busy downtown LA when trying to shoot Anna Nicole doing her "McClane-on-a-firehose from Die Hard" impression.
Time for a horny pic-a-nic flashback... and it suddenly fades away! Is this the TV/airplane edit? I was told there would be boobs.
"There's only 11 spots you can land a helicopter in Los Angeles." Uhh, I don't think so, mate. I mean, I can see at least 5 buildings topped with helipads on screen as you're saying that.
Unaffiliated "cracker" (short for "crappy hacker") does his "Harry the Cokehead from Die Hard thinks he can make a deal with the terrorists" impression.
Jar Jar Janitor does his "Argyle from Die Hard" impression, listening to his Walkman and oblivious to the hostage situation.
Kid on Big Wheel does his "Danny from The Shining" impression.
"Zarkov, Zarkov". Flash, Flash?
"We need a place to hide." Unprovokedly leaves hiding place after literally 12 seconds.
Anna Nicole vs Fabio Wannabe gun battle. I can't tell whose hair is more glorious. Police Academy Reject saves the day! Bye bye, Fabio Wannabe.
Police Academy Reject: "Be careful out there." Maybe he's a Hill Street Blues reject, too.
Cracker gets his well-telegraphed just desserts, naturally. Bye bye.
Fire brigade, completely flummoxed by a rattly, loose locked door. Because, you know, they have no training, experience or equipment for that sort of thing.
While Leather Daddy threatens to "play" with a captured Anna Nicole, the others are completing the Die Hard rip-off by rigging the place to blow.
Flaming vehicle! (Well, if you include the ladder extending from a fire engine.) It's been a while.
Why does Hamalot's detonator look like a massive hypodermic for injecting horses?
"Awww, they're blowing up a cute widdle teeny tiny model of the skyscraper."
Responding to cop's query on how to breach the building, the software developer of the building's OS delivers his in-depth technobabble assessment: "Well, basically, you're fucked." :D
Hamalot does his "Hans Gruber reading about them in Time magazine from Die Hard" impression. And Totally-Not-Karl-from-Die-Hard also serves double duty as Totally-Not-Theo-from-Die-Hard, too, hacking the building's computer system.
Bye bye, Leather Daddy. Did she shoot him in the dick??? That'll teach him to get rapey. [Trailer shows a cut scene where she stabbed him in the crotch with something like a letter opener.]
Big gun battle in a storage room of shelves of production video tapes. "Did... did they just film this in the PM Entertainment offices?"
Bye bye, Jar Jar Janitor. Unlike Totally-Not-Karl+Theo-from-Die-Hard, Future's So Bright doesn't climax when he garrotes someone.
Bye bye, Future's So Bright. You should have got your rocks off when you had the chance.
The Damsel saves her Knight in Shining Armour. Anna Nicole keeps calling her husband "Gordy" despite the fact he's clearly not a Canadian ice hockey player from the 70s.
Bye bye, Totally-Not-Karl+Theo-from-Die-Hard. Poor bastard, going out having to hear yet another Shakespeare quote from Hamalot.
Bye bye, Female Model Terrorist. Man, Anna Nicole ain't fucking about, no quarter offered.
Uh oh, Big Wheel Kid still in play... and, of course, Hamalot grabs him.
Final showdown between Anna Nicole and Hamalot... and he's so hammy now he sounds like Matt Berry at his mostest.
And after yet another Shakespeare quote, and a roundhouse kick off the top of the skyscraper from Anna Nicole, it's bye bye, Hamalot. Just about the only thing they didn't copy from Die Hard is the downward POV close-up of Hans Gruber's demise, instead just a long shot from below of a stuntman waggling his limbs on the way down.
Epilogue: where'd all the explosion damage to the building go? Oh that's right, they only blew up a miniature.
Fuel gauge? Check. Hydraulic reservoirs? Check. Two-inch fingernails? Check!
As her left hand is just sitting on her lap, what's she using to control the throttle and rotor pitch? The power of her mind?
Flame on !
Pew pew
Gun to Anna Nicole's head for the 5th? 6th? time.
~~Hamalot~~ Charles S. Huber demonstrates how to give a typically understated performance.
EDIT: I added links for the movie on Tubi (thanks, Sergio) and Fawesome.
Per Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tubi#Global_availability
I remember watching Death Race 2000 and some others on Tubi here in MX before it supposedly launched here, so I guess they weren't geoblocking back then. Unfortunately since the official launch, geoblocked to Tubi México only, with all films dubbed into Spanish and a different selection of available media compared to other countries.
I just remembered that there's now more overlap? interchange? between Tubi and Fawesome (both part of Fox), and the Fawesome website has Skyscraper in English and uncut, and doesn't geoblock me.
PS I've added the links for the movie on Tubi and Fawesome to the OP.