The Onion

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/26072485

Not a day goes by without a blow administered by Donald Trump to the terrible Wokist-Sorororist octopus! The White House leader today signed the decree officially switching the United States to the Cyrillic alphabet, ending the dark age of Latin script on America's sunny Gulf coasts.

"You know who uses Latin letters? Mexicans and Colombians, who bring us drugs. Why use a crackhead alphabet when there's a great one, absolutely wow, invented by two monks. The monks aren't druggies, they're not Mexicans, they don't eat dogs. That's it. From now on, anyone who writes in Latin eats cats. Canadians. You're effectively the last Canadians," Trump said, alluding to his earlier war against Mexicans who eat dogs and cats after marinating them overnight in a drug-laced, super-proven and verified drug bath.

Russian President Vladimir Putin welcomed Trump's upright gesture and sent him a gift of a set of colored pencils produced at the famous "Pobeda" stationery factory in Pasholnahuisk.