Holy shit theres some hilarious stuff in there!

Two days prior to this day, and with absolute faith in the infinite possibilities of science, I climbed the highest peak of the Ozarks in search of the aerie of a North American condor. Having located a particularly fearsome specimen, I engaged the patriotic beast in hand-to-hand combat atop its mountain fastness. I dispatched its mewling young with contemptible ease, but the enraged matron of the flock scored several brutal pecks to my hands and arms. Weakened by these expert exsanguinations, I grabbed the bird around its feathered neck and throttled it.

This dwarf specimen is only one tenth the girth of the creature I faced [drawing of condor]. During what I assumed to be the creature's last moments of life I was overcome with a natural and complete love of country. I could see bombs bursting red in the sky and singed flags flapping beneath a gently tooting bugle. In my patriotic fugue I unwittingly lessened my grip on the condor's gizzard, allowing it to slip free my grasp and begin anew its attack on my face. My love for the Union was so powerful that I became blinded by the tears streaming from my eyes.

Wonderful.

It's from SomethingAwful, an even older and possibly an even more wretched hive of scum and villainy than 4chan.

This is just more netlore at this point, but:

m00t made 4chan after either convincing a bunch of users of SA's hentai forum to come join his new cooler and better site without censorship on loli...

... or he just actually got banned from SA for posting too much loli, and thus was 4chan.

I can't actually source that last claim definitively, but I swear I've seen a video with LowTax stating such.

Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/4chan

The site was launched as 4chan.net on October 1, 2003, by Christopher Poole, a then-15-year-old student from New York City using the online handle "moot".[25] Poole had been a regular participant on Something Awful's subforum "Anime Death Tentacle Rape Whorehouse" (ADTRW), where many users were familiar with the Japanese imageboard format and Futaba Channel ("2chan.net").

Encyclopedia Dramatica:

https://edramatica.com/4chan

4chan got it's start from Something Awful moot a poster on ADTRW (The Anime Forum) and some other faggots needed a site that they could host their Child Porn Anime. Moot also had an obsession with 2Channel so he decided to download Futabally and translate it to English, then host it on a webserver. He originally sent it to 20 of his goon friends and eventually everyone in ADTRW and every other Something Awful board full of closet anime pedophiles (all of them) started to use 4chan and the Internet Hate Machine began.