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Whatever the guys in MS Cloudstrike did today.

~~I write code for those who pay me money.~~

I delete code of people who don't pay me.

I’m a teacher, so I guess now I spread misinformation on social media for a living. 🤡

I think the exact opposite would turn me into a literal pirate; stealing money in a way that statistically increases the risks of maritime commercial ventures.

I make sure people don't talk to each other about what they're working on and hide important information they need to complete tasks. Sometimes I'll advise them to work on the wrong thing for a long time.

In my spare moments I delete the data in reports and unpivot tables.

I write good code now.

I fix software bugs

I am now loving my job.

I transition automated processes into manual labor

Software engineer here. I'd become the worst thing I can imagine... a user.

I write software that scours the internet for porn and other NSL content, then sends it to school kids.

I have a job! Woohoo!

Damn I feel like the polar opposite of my job is also my job. But if I try to make it bad, I'd say I would hurt and demotivate children and try to keep them stupid

I lock people out of their homes and break door hardware.

Aww geez, I'm a frat boy now

Now I cut features from software one by one

Break computers

~~I work in IT for a company that helps patients get medications they need.~~

I physically prevent people from getting the medications they need.

I am served and taken care of from the moment I wake up untill the moment I fall asleep. Someone makes me nutritious meals, and I only do activities that stimulate my brain. Once a year a small baby gets shoved up inside me

Black hat hacker, I break into people's servers and fuck up their shit

My job is having a job.

I guess I now beat people up?

I'm an anarcho-capitalist with a real hatred for the homeless.

Instead of talking to the customers and fixing issues I'm writing code and breaking things.

So apparently I work at Crowdstrike

I do research on technologies that make airplanes heavier, increase their fuel consumption and make them fall out of the sky more often. Oh and I spend time in the classroom making sure students have no idea how to reverse it.

Annihilate transportation infrastructure on a large scale.

CloudStrike has already put me out of business, it seems

Does that mean instead of cleaning up the place, I make it messy as fuck? 🤔 What's the opposite of a janitor?

Well, fuck, I'm now an engineer on day shift. (I'm night shift QA and most of my issues are caused by careless engineers.)

I ignore people with broken bones

If it were the opposite, I make sure planes come out of the sky

Instead of building homes, I destroy them... So same trade, different step.

Ill be hosting AA meetings.

Outbound inferiority

I make sure what I send is going to fail all the tasks. Nothing but the worst for my customers.

I find people who have been injured by corporations and greed, and rob them.

Cause brain damage? Idk how do you remove knowledge?

I reverse-engineer software.

Traumatise people.

Could be fun for a while!

I become a Asset Liability Mismanagement specialist.

My job is to devise an investment strategy and corresponding pension benefit structure that maximises the chance that the pension fund runs out of money before all pensions are paid, and does so as quickly as possible while taking as much risk as possible.

So basically what pension schemes did in the 80s and 90s.