Ask Lemmy

She's gonna think you're an asshole. Who cares what we think?

Just tell her you don't want to meet up and why. Save her the headache of thinking you're even remotely interested in being her friend.

Why waste time spending time with someone you don't care about?

If it was a friend, that'd be a different story. The kids aren't even a part of the decision here.

I'm not a fan of kids either. But hey...guess what? Not being willing to put on your big boy pants and suck it up for an hour is the very definition of "being a selfish asshole".

The fact that the first thing you talk about is how those kids are "going to be the focus of the occasion" (your words), shows that what you lack isn't "enthusiasm about catching up with someone". What you lack is basic human empathy.

One of the things that absolutely sucks donkey balls about being a new parent is that half your friends just totally ghost you and done want to deal with the complications of your kids, which it sounds like your friend is dealing with.

Definitely hanging out in a coffee shop with a bored toddler is not a recipe for a good time, which I guess your friend has not discovered hard enough yet. The other person suggesting hanging out at a park instead is on to something. Or just anywhere else where the kid has something to do besides sit down and shut up, which generally they won’t.

yeah

She's handling two kids under five years old?

You're not 'showing up for coffee' you're providing a needed mental health break.

You're not wrong for wanting to avoid a situation because of the potential of screaming children, but it's important to remember that, with parents, it's a package deal. To avoid overstimulation, try and go to a park for the first meeting. Like get coffee and go to a place with a playground where the toddler can run wild, and the 6 month can be in a stroller or rocker. Being outside vs bring in a building where screams can echo, makes a big difference.

Something that helps me hang-outs with my friends who have kids, is remembering that screaming children are inevitable... but most of the time, I'm not enjoying the company of my friends alongside the random, misbehaving ones. This time, you can make a friend.

You're fine. I used to think I hated kids until my friends had kids who were awesome and I realized that I hate bad parents. These kids are too young for anything to imprint. You're right that they'll dominate the conversation out of necessity. You don't want to put yourself in such a situation for someone on your periphery of interest and that's fine.

People complain that you're a bad person for not being terribly interested in her life, but she's not a part of yours and you're entertaining the idea that maybe you could have a nice time. As an introvert, I think you're doing a good job of remaining open to the possibility that there could be a solid friendship forming. Even if not that, at least it might be a nice time once.

Others are being assholes. You're fine.

I don't have advice for how to position that you only want to meet one on one, but I don't think you're a bad person for wanting that. It's not like I would want my buddy's 14yo kid to come to record night this weekend. He's a nice kid, but this is time for the middle-aged men to hang out.

You may not be an AH, but you don't sound that interested in being actual friends. Don't bother wasting her time.

Wow, a lot of salty parents in this thread

Yes you’re the AH. Even taking the kids out of the equation and you’re framing this as what you can get out of this meeting. That’s not a friend. Why not just say no.

She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years.

Yeah sod what the other party thinks s as long as you’re getting something out of it. I see this as wasting her time on someone who isn’t appreciative of it.

Also, why mention baby daddies?

Yes and you're not her friend.

You're an AH for this unnecessary detail in particular:

she's had two babies by two different guys.

Just admit you're not friends. That's fine and doesn't make you an AH. Getting all puritanical over something that does not impact your life does.

I don't think so, but I don't like kids. Like even a little bit; they're loud, annoying, and tend to give me headaches. Hell, I didn't like kids when I was one.

I think you'd be an asshole for accepting an invite to visit with someone you clearly don't care about anymore who also now has infant/children who you don't want to see.

In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys.

Flavor text, or judgemental? If you disapprove of her life choices possibly quite strongly, then yes please don't bother this woman.

Anyways, you won't an asshole if you just let that already dead friendship stay dead. I dislike children enough to seek out sterilization, so I get it.

Seek out like-minded friends instead and you'll be all good.

I can only keep up the charade around my niece and nephew for our bi-monthly supper visits. I'm a good uncle for ~6-12 hours a month lol that's my limit.

If the crying of a 6 month old baby is enough to ruin the reunion for you, then maybe you're both better off if you cancel this appointment.

No, but it means you're probably not really a friend anymore. If you're good with that, everything's jake.

A bit yeah.

I don’t think it makes you an asshole, it just means you’re not that interested in seeing her or really don’t like kids. Probably a combination of both. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those things.

If the kids are the dealbreaker then your options are 1. Decline and lie about why, 2. Decline and tell her why, 3. Just suck it up and do it to save face. Personally I think 1 sounds unnecessarily complicated and you should just do whichever you prefer of 2 or 3.