likely in response to my comments on the beehaw post, which i linked to (hopefully im doing this right?). apparently, calling people you dont know for the first time "they/them" before being told their pronouns is "misgendering". absurd. this kind of attitude threatens the larger LGBTQ community and is partially why cishets hate us after we won so much progress back in the 00s and 10s.
im a queer person. im neurodivergent. this shit is so goddamn fucking annoying, especially as an older queer who got physically assaulted on a near daily basis for being queer in the 90s. the kids today get their panties in a twist over being supposedly "misgendered" by someone calling them gender neutral pronouns before being corrected. narcissistic victimhood bullshit.
anyways, now banned from one of my favorite instances. meanwhile in the US theyre planning on hunting us. but yeah, lets ban fellow queers over their view that people who get mad about being "misgendered" when they arent (cis people are also referred to as "they/them" before further context in a conversation with a stranger) are just attention seeking brats that threaten the larger movement. its so obvious to me that the brats who find reason to be offended over innocent pronoun use never faced real adversity, like getting repeatedly physically beaten.
edit - the best part of all of this is i faced no moderation from beehaw and all of my comments are +1 or higher. power tripping oversensitive neurodivergent hating bastard of a mod over at blahaj IMO.
edit 2 - did this wrong. heres a link to the post i think got me banned from blahaj and a screenshot about it https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/37659465
Edit 3 - apparently I did nothing wrong until I made my thoughts known about how the pronoun police fucked over the larger LGBTQ community as our rights are backsliding in America. Yall are gonna whine about being misgendered to the concentration camp guards at the rate we’re going. God forbid I be angry that while queers were busy fighting over pronouns our adversaries stuffed the courts, stuffed the school boards, couped the government, and are installing a fascist dictatorship. When I say that these fucking toddlers are going to learn what real oppression tastes like, that’s what I mean. It’s not that I want us to be hurt or oppressed (as the dog piling idiots have interpreted), it’s that the younger generation is weak as hell and lost the fucking plot in the fight for our rights. I grew up getting beaten in the streets for being queer only for these kids to claim their pronouns not being mind-read is oppression!
I'm gonna ignore all of this and talk to you directly as an autistic to an autistic. There are so many times I asked a friend of mine "Hey, I forgot mutual friend X's gender, what were their pronouns again" but what they heard was "Oh no the trans-genders and the pronouns are so confusing, they should stick with what on their birth certificate" and then I wake up the next day with no friends because that friend told all their friends I was being a transphobe.
Now, let's think about this from their perspective. If you saw a friend of yours being a bigot to another one of your friends, would you still hang out with them? I wouldn't. If I heard one of my friends was homophobic or transphobic or racist or any other kind of bigot, I would instantly block and shun them. I do not want bigots of any kind around me or my friends. There is a reason that cults practice shunning, and that is because it fucking works.
Continuing this, lets say our hypothetical ex-friend had been accused of being transphobic to one of your trans friends. What would they need to do to be either forgiven or absolved of guilt? Even if they were in fact transphobic, they can admit they are wrong. And if the accusation was wrong, what proof would you need? What sort of behavior would you need to see from them to forgive them?
I am positive that you as an elder queer have had many, many, many experiences where someone you thought you could trust turned out to be a homophobe. It really hurts. After a while, you start only seeing the worst in people.
As an autistic, it was really rough learning what would come across as a microaggression. Can't ask to be reminded of the pronouns, because it might be interpreted as passive-aggressive transphobic whinging about pronouns. When I do fuck up, I can't give the big apology that I think misgendering someone deserves because my autistic RBF will make it come across as sarcastic. You just have to quickly correct yourself and move on without drawing attention to it. It feels like blowing a red light and hitting someone because I was just plopped behind the wheel of a car without being taught how to drive.
Your tantrum here was very cathartic for me, because it really is fucking terrible trying navigate a world full of traumatized people. I don't like accidentally triggering people. I want people to feel safe around me! But if I had thought I'd seen a person doing a microaggression, and then I saw them throwing a tantrum about how them getting shunned was because everyone else is a pee pee piss piss boy and this is why the cishets hate us, I would be inclined to think they were at least regressive, if not one of the republican gays who think that we need to chop off everything past the B in LGBTQ+.
Just to be clear, I don't think you're transphobic. I have experienced the same sort of things as you. It's rough restraining myself from flailing around in response to being accused of stuff. It is humiliating to prostrate myself and beg forgiveness of things I know I did not do. But we live in a fucking society full of bigots and people traumatized by those fucking bigots, and these are the rituals that keep our corner of society even a little bit sane.
It seems more to me like the TQ wants to rid themselves of the LGB with their pronoun tirades and temper tantrums.
And yeah, I have few real friends. Luckily none lost because of homophobia, but more so because I’m not fucking poly and I’m tired of everyone in the LGBTQ community (at least by me) seeming to be poly. (And they really like to claim “ethical” non monogamy when they’re full of shit about their so called “ethical” behavior) So I’ve been used and abused by quite a few of my fellow queers I thought were my friends but weren’t.
I live in an extremely lonely rural area, but it’s better than living in a city and feeling just as lonely.
I’ve come to a point in my life where I might as well reject the queer community since I’m already rejected by them.
Woah, hey, what the fuck? Here I thought you were having a sincere overreaction but no, this is all just transphobia, and possibly homophobia. You're basically ranting about the whole community being non-monogamous? Sexually deviant?
"Terminally online whiny piss babies"? You want to reject the community? You think they've all just had it easy? You live a "lonely rural life" and think you can talk about how people have had it easy? Paint the whole community red like that but it's okay if you say "(at least by me)"?
Transgender people have had it easy?
Absolutely not with this shit, I do not give you any more benefits of the doubt or good faith. You are hitting all the bigot talking points regardless of what you identify as.
You do not get to divide the community at a time like this. Trying to stir shit up and turn LGB on TQ and vice versa, yeah, you need to GTFO.
No, I’m ranting about the whole community being overtaken with “poly” views, which I don’t have to agree with or accept as a monogamous person whos been used and abused and lied to by so called “ethically” non monogamous people. They can all fuck each other for all I care, but I’m not going to stand for being fucked over.
I used to live in a city. Doesn’t matter where I live, the queer community is only accepting of a certain kind of queer. Which I’m not.
Of the three trans people I know IRL, all of them are in a (from the outside) stable, monogamous relationship. The only poly people I know are cis-het.
Let's consider that bias influences what we see and want to see.
I’m a women who dates AFAB women. They’re all fucking poly in this area. And dishonest.
That’s the LGTBQ community in vermont. Note ALL the letters. A giant poly cesspool of people who have zero desire for a traditional committed relationship. But they’ll lead you on and tell you otherwise!
I’m allowed to not like it or agree with it. I find it emotionally dangerous and ive been traumatized numerous times by these people.
You do not get to paint the whole community like this. The community is only accepting of a certain kind of person: the kind of person that accepts and supports the community.
You're not doing that. You're stirring shit up, acting like some members of the community haven't earned their place, and throwing around some extremely inappropriate stereotypes like your alleged experience is indicative of the community as a whole.
You want to be homophobic and stereotype people like this, and you want to be transphobic and dismiss their struggles up to now as "having it too easy"?
And you fucking come around saying they deserve to be oppressed? They "have it coming" because they "wouldn't listen to their elders"? You want them to be oppressed?
Then you're absolutely right. You're not the kind of person the community accepts. Get the fuck out.
Calling a queer person homophobic and transphobic because they don’t agree with absurd pronoun policing or polyamory. Classic.
Sorry I’m not one of the cool kids.
You don't get to use your identity as a defense against being called an asshole. Anyone can be a bigot. You talk about people who you claim to identify with like they're deviant, lesser, and worthy of oppression. It's not about fucking pronouns and you know it. You openly admit you want these people to suffer.
You're a bigoted asshole and don't belong in any community that relies on inclusion. Goodbye.
It’s not that I want them to suffer, it’s that they want to be oppressed so bad maybe they should get a taste of what real oppression looks like.
Oh... Wow. With all due politeness I request that you please cool it with this rhetoric. It is dangerous. The community needs to band together right now. I'm sympathetic for you but this makes you seem hostile and jaded.
Hostile because it’s the TQ busy being the pronoun police. Their tirades are threatening us all.
The entire trans and queer community (which by your word choice elsewhere in the thread you are ostensibly a part of)? The ENTIRETY of it? I say this with respect and with your best interests at heart: get a grip. Take a breather. Scream into a pillow. But don't be like that.
Girl. Read your comment again. Please. It reads like a grandma in the nursing home ranting about how all the kids these days are all premarital hand-holding and being publicly indecent.
Look, I'm poly. I'm in a monogamous relationship, but just because I'm not currenly performing poly-ness doesn't mean I don't think and see the world like a poly person. My wife-to-be isn't poly and I'm not gonna push her. I'm sorry that your friends seem to have pushed you, and I can sympathize since so many poly people seem to use it as a crutch for being a bad partner, but you don't get to be a dick about it.
Back when I used to live in the rust belt, I had a lesbian coworker who was a big trump supporter as well as a born-again Christian who thinks that gay and trans people are all going to hell. She only does couple stuff with her wife (how she got a wife I will never know) behind closed doors because she doesn't want to "indoctrinate the children". That's our real enemy, if you can call it that: gay people oppressing themselves and dragging each other down with them.
I was a daycare teacher for a while. You know what I do when a kid throws a temper tantrum? I leave them alone until they calm down, and then I treat them like the tantrum didn't happen. Sometimes they want to tell me what made them upset after, and we can fix it. Sometimes they just need it out of their system. I'm of the opinion that adults are just toddlers with manners. Let the tantrum happen, don't judge them for it, move tf on.
People can be poly all they want, it’s not for me. At all. It’s emotionally harmful, traumatizing and makes me feel unsafe. I refuse to date anyone poly which shrinks an already small number of people in my rural area. Claiming I’m a “grandma” is fucking offensive. I need emotional trust in a partner to have sex, and for damn good reasons I do not trust poly people. Ethical they are not. Not in my numerous experiences. They’re delusional about their emotional intelligence. Not just me! I have queer friends with similar bad experiences.
Comparing me to your born again Christian friend is also offensive. I don’t hide who I am. I don’t think queer people should hide who they are. I am not nor have I ever been Christian, not raised in that religion at all.
Demanding emotional trust in a romantic relationship and only finding that trust in naturally monogamous people is not oppression, it’s protecting myself from harm.
I think I came across as angrier than I intended. My personal experience with poly people, for one, lines up pretty well with yours. There is many reasons I'm an ethical monogamist now, and all of them are people I've dated. I was only a little offended at the jab towards poly people. The main reasons I am angry are just that there's so much else that wrong out there.
I also did not intend to compare you to my Christian friend. I meant to use her as a human example of the other problems out there. Tbh I think it undermined my intended point, which was that we should not be direction anger into our own community when I know you can see how shit it is out there for gays. It's much better than back when you were a baby gay, that's for sure, but there are so many bigots out there trying to shove us back in the closet. Why waste you energy on stuff that doesn't matter?
I also just want to be clear I don't think you are homophobic or anything like that, and I think we agree on pretty much everything. That's why I am talking to you. I just think you are wasting your energy on stuff that doesn't matter. Forgiveness takes energy. Our community is full of traumatized people who have big complexes about bullshit that doesn't matter and will lash out over microaggressions they've been conditioned to expect but aren't actually there. Baby gays don't know how to deal with their own trauma yet. Hopefully they will get better about it as they get older and more experienced.
I think a little more relevant example for forgiveness is this one time I had a kid in my class who was a Ukranian refugee. He was 3, so he was old enough to talk but not old enough to think through his actions before he does them. Very smart kid, but he had no way to deal with the trauma of being a refugee, and was definitely either autistic or something similar. He was quite prone to tantrums. How else was he supposed to deal with it? He has, at various points, bit me, stabbed me with pencils, screamed in my ear, broken my glasses, tried to rip my ears off my head, and many other things. I always made it clear thst i forgave him, and he always said sorry to me after. He got better over time. I know this isn't a perfect metaphor, because it's not acceptable for an adult to react to misgendering by stabbing the misgenderer with a pencil and breaking their glasses, but I think you see what I'm talking about. Most importantly, I have to forgive this child. What's the alternative? Holding a grudge against this 3-year-old? Caving his face in? No! That doesn't make sense! Giving forgiveness doesn't mean "I absolve this child of guilt for stabbing me and breaking my glasses", it means making an effort to let go of your own pain so you can heal and move on without your life.
Edit: wow, that was a wall of text. I think I needed a reason to get that off my chest. Thanks, I guess
What is ethical monogamist if not a typical committed monogamous relationship where you don’t fuck each other over emotionally?
This is why I’m so heated about the pronoun police finding things to be mad about. It’s in bad faith.
Ethical monogamy is basically when a poly person who has chosen to be in a monogamous relationship. More specifically, it is distinguished from "normal" monogamy in two ways:
So yeah, it's just basic decency imho
Don’t take this personally but I don’t trust poly people “choosing” to be mono. That’s a situation I was in.
I believe, like sexuality, it is hardwired. Either you are or you aren’t, and if you’re in your unnatural state for long enough you’ll resent it and go back to your natural state. Whichever it is, I think it goes both ways for poly and mono.
As for point 2 I always discuss this with partners and I’m not poly at all. Better for everyone to be on the same page about expectations.