There are many rules to friendship, and a good friend knows when they need to be broken.
this post was submitted on 04 Sep 2024
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The best way I've always heard this explained is:
- Everybody hears what you say.
- Friends listen to what thou say.
- True friends listen to what you don't say.
Yes.
Yes.
And sometimes both.
Both. Sometimes you have to be saved from yourself even if it disrespects a boundary. A real good friend will know when it's necessary and when to just respect your wishes.
Something in between.
Consent first. If you are particularly close and truly trust each other, I think this can be a false binary. But many codependent and possessive people confuse being entitled and controlling with helping. If someone's a real friend, then this needs to be a conversation where both people share their limits and needs and feelings about this sort of thing. It can be incredibly good to have someone catch you when you truly need it, but some people take advantage or feign concern for the power trip. People need to be able to TALK to their friends.
I think there's that fine line between being "that friend that's always there for me" and "that friend who won't take a hint and fuck off".
At the end of the day, you can only help as much as you're invited to. Anything beyond that comes across as overbearing, and sometimes someone doesn't need help, they just need a bit of space to decompress and the help comes later.
I guess the measure of a good friend is offering support if they need it, and being ready to offer support long afterwards if they feel they're doing just fine.
Some friends are one way, some another, most are in the middle: respecting boundaries but not without trying to help first.
Respect boundaries. Even more so if you're not a professional in how you want to help them, e.g. psychology, as you may do more harm than good.
I do nothing without question. I always ask. Do you need help dealing with your anatidaephobia? Yes to helping you? No to violating your boundaries? That's for you or your history with answering this question to tell me. Some people even like only certain people to help them depending on the situation.
Yes I believe they do.
I'll stop helping at a friend's boundary, but depending on the situation, I might be stubborn and tell them when I think they're wrong.
First to mind, a friend whose boyfriend was abusing her. She came to my place for help and I suggested we talk to some of the expert resources available for people being subjected to domestic violence. Neither of us really knew how to proceed safely, so my pitch was just talking to them would be a good start. She decided she just wanted to go home to him and that "it would probably be fine, she had just overreacted". Of course I didn't force her or call a DV hotline on her behalf, but I let her know going back to him was a bad idea and she could just stay at mine.
He beat the shit out of her. Again. And from that the cops got involved, whether she wanted them to or not. I wish she'd taken my suggestion, but I couldn't make that choice for her.
I err on the side of respecting boundaries no matter what unless I'm prepared to sacrifice the relationship because I think helping them in ways they aren't accepting of is necessary. And even then there are ways I think it's okay to do that, and ways I don't, but it's very contextutal.
It REALLY depends how well you know each other.
I've had a friend transfer me money when I said no, and my ego was wounded but I didn't go hungry.
I've also had people pick screaming fights on my behalf when I wanted defuse the situation, publicly blame others for a relapse I didn't want publicized, and refuse me any privacy when I was depressed, constantly telling people that I was about to kill myself. 😐
Notice I don't call them friends anymore, just people. They didn't know my situation well enough to know how to act on it, but they had to be heroes.