this post was submitted on 21 Apr 2025
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Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem fell victim to a thief while eating dinner at a downtown Washington, DC, restaurant Sunday night, two sources familiar with the incident, including a law enforcement source, told CNN.

The Secret Service, which provides security for Noem, reviewed security camera footage at the restaurant and saw an unknown white male wearing a medical mask steal her bag and leave the restaurant.

The thief got away with Noem’s driver’s license, medication, apartment keys, passport, DHS access badge, makeup bag, blank checks, and about $3,000 in cash, the law enforcement source said.

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[–] [email protected] 11 points 13 hours ago

From what I've heard about the secret service they were probably at the bar getting plastered. The thief probably had no idea who she was. Or....

This was an arranged dead drop to pass Intel off to Russia. This way the narrative is she was robbed, not just giving a package to some rando. No evidence to back that up, just wild internet speculation for your Tuesday morning.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 12 hours ago

I didn't see a video. I'm going to assume Noem pocketed the cash and there's no "man in the medical mask."

[–] [email protected] 49 points 1 day ago (1 children)

She has a Secret Service detail, and still managed to get robbed? I hope she feels real safe going out in public knowing that they can't even protect her purse.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago

Cojones on that thief though...

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Boy, she had a good night, that’s probably six guys.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 16 hours ago

Or three cheaper guys and an ounce of schneef.

[–] [email protected] 109 points 1 day ago (2 children)

$3k in cash? Her coke habit is expensive

[–] [email protected] 6 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago) (1 children)

It's a definite warning sign when a person has that much ready cash on them.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

i cannot think of why someone one at her level of government would need to hold $3000 on them

[–] [email protected] 5 points 12 hours ago (2 children)

I can't imagine why anyone, in this day and age, would have that much cash on them unless they're directly going to buy something or just sold something.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 12 hours ago

Even then she’s a cabinet secretary someone else should hold onto the cash unless no one else can know about it

[–] [email protected] 1 points 12 hours ago

I keep physical Euros these days. I don't trust the US to keep my life savings safe from hyperinflation.

Plus, it wouldn't surprise me if DOGE jerks get to 'inspect' bank servers and make withdrawals on our behalf. Far as Trump and friends are concerned, the public's money is theirs, just tangled up in a web of inconvenient obligations.

[–] [email protected] 46 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Seriously, who tf carries that much cash and is a govt employee without being up to something very sheisty

[–] [email protected] 24 points 1 day ago

She hasn't had a chance to deposit that bribe yet. After all, she had just received it there in the restaurant.

[–] [email protected] 135 points 1 day ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 121 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Also, according to our own laws, she was doing something unlawful because why would she need $3,000 in cash?! They'd civil forfeiture that shit if a normal person got caught with that much cash on them.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Yeah, when I served on a jury, the prosecutor was very clear that the only reason someone carried more than $100 in cash was for drugs or other illicit dealings.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Hope you voted to acquit.

Edit: ducking autocorrect.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 21 hours ago* (last edited 21 hours ago) (1 children)

I take cash out of an atm a few times a year to tip at restaurants and such and just pick $200 because that’s the highest one button click that shows up. $100 seems low to me. I think I got over $100 in my wallet more days of the year than not and I’m not into anything nefarious or even make much money, I just don’t use cash very often but often enough that having it available is handy. Theirs Girl Scouts, fire fighter donations at the grocery, neighborhood sports or band raffles, just random ass things that happen regular enough that having cash throughout the year makes it easier to feel part of the community.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 16 hours ago

I used to run the household finances on a cash basis for everything but periodic payments (so basically discretionary spending). It worked pretty well. You run out, you wait until the next payday. If you have an emergency, that's handled through reserves. Urgent non-emergencies get repaid by reducing next pay period's cash.

Now most transactions are just on a credit card. But the kids are grown, so there's much more predictability in our spending patterns.

[–] [email protected] 56 points 1 day ago

Sounds like it was taken via citizen’s civil forfeiture 😊

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 day ago

She runs the Department of Homeland Security, not Restaurantland Security.

[–] [email protected] 101 points 1 day ago (4 children)

I thought using cash like that was a sign of criminality?Or does that only apply to minorities? You better believe any cop out there would confiscate that shit from any of us faster than you can say civil asset forfeiture. It was certainly a point of contention for Fanni Willis during the Trump trial.

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[–] [email protected] 31 points 1 day ago

Damn. They just eating these opsec L’s

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 day ago

I've got $5 that says she just misplaced it.

[–] [email protected] 59 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (11 children)

Looks like drop off of state secrets to russian agent made to look like a theft. What better way than in plain sight and blame it on a thief.

[–] MadMadBunny 4 points 22 hours ago

Immediately thought of that. Drop off bribe.

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[–] [email protected] 54 points 1 day ago (9 children)

Why was she carrying around $3k? Nothing illegal about that but that is a little curious.

[–] [email protected] 22 points 1 day ago (2 children)

She claims she took out that money to celebrate Easter with family... for dinner, activities, and gifts.

I use a credit card for such things, but yeah.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 day ago (3 children)

I guess in her defense, if you're involved in the destruction of the U.S. economy, you never know when the economy might collapse and credit cards will no longer be accepted.

Still, you would think she would just carry around bars of solid gold or something.

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[–] [email protected] 29 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 24 points 1 day ago (4 children)

That’s where your mind goes?

It’s for coke

[–] [email protected] 1 points 12 hours ago

I believe this too.

3000$ is enough for lots of coke, but probably not enough to bribe a politician / bureaucrat at her level.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 day ago

That sounds more likely.

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[–] [email protected] 37 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Incoming federal ban on n95s

[–] [email protected] 1 points 12 hours ago

Now that you say it I'm surprised such a ban wasn't on the top of Trump's list. Republicans got really riled up about wearing masks in public

[–] [email protected] 25 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Good. She fascist trash & there literally aren't enough bad things in the world that can happen to her.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 day ago

A puppy killer too let's never forget. About as comic book villain as one can get.

[–] [email protected] 22 points 1 day ago

Lmfao what a fucking loser

[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 day ago

I give up trying to write satire. You just can't beat the real thing.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 day ago

Medication? Sounds like someone needs to attend a wellness farm to remove themselves from the teat of BiG pHaRmA

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 day ago (1 children)

The makeup alone has to weigh a ton. Strong thief.

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